Ask A Girl IV: Boundless Questions

[Abaddon]

I should have kissed her gets 16m hits for me, vs 90m for I shouldn't have kissed her. (No quotes.)

shoooosh, im trying to pep talk the kiddies into having some backbone!

 

[azzaman333]

Why would she stop talking to you altogether?

People do a lot of things that make no sense to me.

If she stops talking to you and is also in that sort of situation with you she's an immature lemon and not worth your time. People who can't see beyond that are ridiculous because they're hindering themselves and others work because of too much pride. It might be awkward for a bit, but if she's a nice enough girl she'll just get on with it and not think twice. DOOOO IT DO IT DO IT! I was reading my old diary from aged 14 last night and the number of times I've written, 'I like this boy but I don't know if he likes me' is ridiculous (I was super cool).

I realise this is stupid, but because I have absolutely no experience with stuff like this, I always convince myself it's not the right time, or some other excuse. It'd be so much easier if I could just say it over facebook or via text message, but that's probably not a good idea in general.

shoooosh, im trying to pep talk the kiddies into having some backbone!

Kiddie? I'm not that young!

 

[Boundless]

I realise this is stupid, but because I have absolutely no experience with stuff like this, I always convince myself it's not the right time, or some other excuse. It'd be so much easier if I could just say it over facebook or via text message, but that's probably not a good idea in general.

Oh no don't do it over facebook - that's like the msn years...
You could text her I suppose? But a text message like that out of the blue might be a bit weird, and she might not reply and then you'll just be in AGONY for hours and hours and hours. Best do it face to face and you can get an outright answer straight away...surely?

 

[azzaman333]

Oh no don't do it over facebook - that's like the msn years...
You could text her I suppose? But a text message like that out of the blue might be a bit weird, and she might not reply and then you'll just be in AGONY for hours and hours and hours. Best do it face to face and you can get an outright answer straight away...surely?

Well yeah, that's my dilemma. I want to do it face to face, but I can't find the courage to actually do it face to face when I have the opportunity.

 

[Boundless]

Well yeah, that's my dilemma. I want to do it face to face, but I can't find the courage to actually do it face to face when I have the opportunity.

Just take her aside after one of your university lectures or seminars or whatever n ask if she wants to go for a drink sometime? That's perfectly simple and doesn't take THAT much courage, a drink is a drink

 

[azzaman333]

Just take her aside after one of your university lectures or seminars or whatever n ask if she wants to go for a drink sometime? That's perfectly simple and doesn't take THAT much courage, a drink is a drink

It'd be easier if we didn't live an hour away from uni and an hour (at best) away from each other.

Yeah, I'm bad at this. That's why I'm talking about it on a forum about a video game on which I have over 18,000 posts.

 

[Boundless]

It'd be easier if we didn't live an hour away from uni and an hour (at best) away from each other.

Yeah, I'm bad at this. That's why I'm talking about it on a forum about a video game on which I have over 18,000 posts.

Take her for a drink at uni! I assume your university has bars right...? (I hope so, or I'm concerned...) Just take her for a drink after a lecture. Simples!
...and that's not an excuse, Abaddon has nearly 30,000 posts and he's managed it

 

[Abaddon]

Kiddie? I'm not that young!

Sorry, wasn't meaning you directly. There are a heck of a lot of readers/lurkers I am also talking to

 

[Abaddon]

Just take her aside after one of your university lectures or seminars or whatever n ask if she wants to go for a drink sometime? That's perfectly simple and doesn't take THAT much courage, a drink is a drink

No, it is impossible to get a girl aside and then not bottle it. Far too much pressure.

Get a group of people going to the pub, then invite her along.. then is safe, no "date" pressure. After that, then you can invite her to drinks on your own.

 

[Peter Harris]

It'd be easier if we didn't live an hour away from uni and an hour (at best) away from each other.

Yeah, I'm bad at this. That's why I'm talking about it on a forum about a video game on which I have over 18,000 posts.

You are both at the Uni at the same time with a bar close by. If all goes well perhaps neither of will see the hour as a problem? Yep, just look her in the eye and say "Let's go to the bar for a drink",

 

[Greizer85]

Spoiler :

I think if you lost all human contact you'd lose the inspiration to write about people - even if you do despise them.

I know. I didn't say so, but it's one more reason. When you're lonely enough, all things tend to lose their shine a little bit. Although loneliness and even the occasional despair is more useful artistically than all but the most intense happiness, it's gotten to the point where it impairs my working ability more than it helps it. (This is part of the problem, too: when you're thirsty enough, you will drink poison, and not ask whether you're allowed to drink it. Girls hate nothing more than the clingy sort.)

Note that I don't despise people I don't have to meet, no matter what they're like (well, nazis and fritzls excluded). I find people fascinating and wish I could observe them without being seen myself. A ghost's existence would be ideal for me, in many ways - if I could find a cute ghost girl to share my observations with.

I can honestly say, and I've said this to many boyfriends, I adore romantic gestures but I don't want them all the time. What you wrote is beautiful, but it's not beautiful anymore if you have it on tap. I believe that the definition of beauty is partially down to it being rare, special and sometimes out of reach. If you have it all the time it becomes simplified and something to expect, and beauty isn't that. You can't praise something if you have it all the time.

Let us think analogies. I have lived in this town for four years now; when I got here, every street was new and filled with excitement (as much as a Finnish town can be). Now I detest the place; I've already seen everything, and there's not that much of it. While I lived in another town, smaller but full of young students, there was plenty pleasure in watching the people's constant milling about on the street (that town had one street with all the shops etc on it, so it didn't feel small at all). I'm not saying cities and women are entirely comparable; but I've met one woman whom I praised for two years, off and on, and knew I could've kept going for the rest of my life. She liked it too - all of it - but she'd already fixed her radar on a guitarist (leading source of bitterness for poets worldwide! ). Some people have more in them than others; some like earthly pleasures and others more refined ones. There's nothing wrong with the modern way of life - shags & parties & laughs etc - I love shallow things as much as deep ones, although I don't indulge myself - so long as the people involved are the deep sort (at least somewhat). The girl I courted for two years had a soul of pure lust, if I had to fix it in one sentence. Lust for beauty and everything else. She simply had someone else in her life already, and it took me ages to get that through to my heart. I don't resent her for taking my songs with pleasure, while giving me the cold shoulder - after all, I'd never have made them if not for her inspiration!

Anyway, are sunsets any less beautiful when you've seen thousands of them? I know my work can never match such beauty, but I've a long way to go if I can't keep people still for even one day. Who knows - maybe the girl I gave my song to had simply had some bad experiences with poets!

I'm not saying stop writing; I think it would be a wasted talent for you and evidently if it's something that gives you that much pleasure you should keep doing it. But if you are writing for someone else, write for them but not give it to them. It's still a way of expressing how you feel, and occasionally it will get the praise it deserves.

I guess that's an idea worth thinking about. I have very bad self-esteem and do need the occasional praise myself in order to keep going, but perhaps I could only show some of my works. Most of them are not as good as that song, anyway.

Beautiful women don't think little of beauty, I'd argue that a beautiful woman can't even see it in herself most of the time which is part of that beauty. And any physically beautiful woman who does think little of it isn't so beautiful in my eyes.

Not thinking at all is not thinking little of it? Baudelaire said something similar, iirc. Perhaps it is kind of like with my city example. They've been pretty all their lives, so they don't notice it. It's just as well, come to think of it: if I was a beautiful woman, I'd stare in the mirror 'til it melted or I starved! Thank you for the redeeming thought.

The pain and grief that two people feel when they lose each other to me is not a suggestion of a lost soul or pieces missing. To me that's having to let go of memories which you don't want to accept aren't going to happen anymore. I don't like to believe in fate, but if they were meant to be and that connection was truly something that was meant to last forever, it would do. When you're grieving years feel like they're wasted because you know you can't have them anymore and you're sour. It would be foolish to say that years loving someone is wasted because you've learnt so much and experienced something that is so precious and beautiful.

Feelings are irrational, though. Ofc it's senseless to mull on things you can't change now, or wouldn't have at the time, even if you'd known the consequences. I've always been bad at controlling my feelings, and wouldn't really want to be any other way. It has more benefits than drawbacks, imo.

Perhaps it also has to do with how you part. Love always breaks a heart, someone said somewhere. I do know that I feel like I've wasted the last 15 years I spent with my best friend; I abandoned him two years ago on fairly frivolous reasons (there was one good one, but I'm not going to go into it here). Every time a happy memory of him comes into my head, I think of my foolish traitorship that ended it all. Joys are the saplings of sorrows (sounds better in Finnish ); when you know you've forever lost that person, due to your own antics, the sorrow and regret are overwhelming to the point that the bygone joys become torments. For me, anyway. I tend to dwell on my mistakes for decades (and that's saying something since I'm only 25), while my joys are usually forgotten in three seconds flat.

Why do you say that there would never be more humans if everyone was sensible about love?

Having children is one of the most senseless things I can think about. There are already enough people around. They tie you down for the rest of your life (limiting free agency). You will not have so much as a 'thank you' for spending most of your time and hundreds of thousands of euros on them - nor should you expect it. This genetic & pheromonic folly is the epitome of voluntary slavery; it is hard for even intelligent people to resist, and the great masses ofc breed liberally.

Sure, there are the many happy memories. I'll have mine without screaming brats, thank you. Also, should your child be murdered or die of disease or some accident, you will never get over it. Such people's souls are indeed eternally affected, it's clear from one look in their eyes.

Love alone makes one vulnerable enough. Here's Neil Gaiman on it:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

Falling in love has very little to do with the properties of the 'terrorist'. You fall in love head-on and then you rationalize it. In retrospect, I'm lucky to have fallen
for the woman I did, knowing now with a clearer head that she would have satisfied me intellectually as well as instinctually. I had no choice in the matter at the time, however.

You say, 'I enter into any relationship with a view to its end'. I can honestly say you'll never find the perfect woman if you take everything as pessimistic. Granted I've done the same, and heck I've put myself in situations I KNOW can't last forever because of situation, but I truly believe in the time you have together with someone you make it the best it can be, and at the end of it you can either walk away and see what an amazing time it was retrospectively, or realise situation is irrelevant if you care enough. The perfect woman for you isn't necessarily going to be the one who makes you 'see the light' and not view something with end because I truly believe nothing lasts forever, but the perfect woman will make you realise your pessimism was foolish. That's what I believe anyway.

Keep writing though, you're talented in my opinion. I write my own short stories, although not for any sort of recognition or praise, just to get words on a page really. I think it's important. Maybe just do it for your own peace of mind rather than for someone else to be read. I think the joy of writing can be in wondering what reaction it would get.

Although I do like it and need it occasionally, I do not write for praise either (well, sometimes maybe, but then the results are always horrible). I do it because I'm compelled to, and because I enjoy the process itself.

The real trouble may be that I'm a just warehouse for ideas, really. A collection of quotes and sentences, brewing in anticipation of future combinations. A poet is the most uninteresting thing in the world, said Keats, iirc. Without my work, I'd be a very sorry thing indeed; I probably wouldn't exist anymore. Entertainment is not enough to sustain me, and I find losing agency for any reason horrific, so I do not drink or do drugs (other than psychedelics for the insights). I never go to bars etc, as I'm terrified of the aggressive, mindless crowds. Just your average pretentious wimp* [damned autocensor... Think synonym for cat here.], yeah. That's the modern way of looking at it. I just wish my kind still existed somewhere. Most pretentious people are pretentious even about their pretentiousness (if that makes sense). There was a woman in Paris in the 1920s that enjoyed starvation for its aesthetic qualities; she also belonged in a secret club where the aim was to find an executor to chop off the members' heads, in order for them to experience the perfect death. That's too rough (or refined?) a trip even for me, but I'm at loss to find anyone with aesthetic ideals in the first place. Well, anyone who isn't 50 and fond of red wine, that is.

Thank you for your advice (and complements), Boundless. While you didn't give the answers I wanted, perhaps I needed some of them - and you made me ask the right questions of myself. Do I want to be alone forever? Can I do it? Enjoying the moment is something I haven't been able to do but very sporadically since I was about 12. I need to either stop thinking so much or find someone who cannot stop thinking herself. There has been a lull in my search thanks to creeping bitterness and schoolwork, but this summer I aim to get a kiss at the least.

Spoilered my gigantic post... For the modern dullards with their bar tips that abound.

 

[Abaddon]

Would this work?

 

[Boundless]

Would this work?

Totally depends on whether she tries to find the book on Amazon and realises it was all a 'clever' ploy or not. I would definitely want to know what advice they'd give a man with this issue. I think it would concern me that they wanted help - suggesting this giant penis maybe caused problems in the past . But it would definitely catch my interest anyhow, as does anyone reading a book in a coffee shop - I get nosey!

 

[classical_hero]

Surely a guy with a book with a title of "Living with your Giant Penis" is an obvious ploy of a guy who has a tiny penis. It is just so obvious that he is insecure and trying to feel better about himself. So what does the say about Abaddon? I'm sure Boundless know and I don't really want to know.

 

[Thoughtful Thug]

Wow. Boundless has some useful knowledge on Facebook etiquette when dealing with past and potential romances. I give her an apple.

 

[Mise]

Would this work?

Also, "How to Disappoint a Woman, GUARANTEED."

 

[Boundless]

Wow. Boundless has some useful knowledge on Facebook etiquette when dealing with past and potential romances. I give her an apple.

What colour is said apple? Glad my advice is of some use!

 

[Abaddon]

Surely a guy with a book with a title of "Living with your Giant Penis" is an obvious ploy of a guy who has a tiny penis. It is just so obvious that he is insecure and trying to feel better about himself. So what does the say about Abaddon? I'm sure Boundless know and I don't really want to know.

I saw the cartoon on someone's blog, I thought it was suitable for this thread. Since I already have Boundless, I won't be needing to try such a ploy..

 

[Boundless]

Failing all else boys, you can always try this angle...

 

[Bill3000]

What the hell is a lemon?