Alexander the Great: The E True Hollywood Story

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Alexander the Great​

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS TRACE AMOUNTS OF ACTUAL HISTORY.

Chapter 1: His rise to the throne​

Back in an ity-bity kingdom just above greece, based mostly on the southernmore region of Thessaly. This place was the kingdom of Macedon.

Their King, claimed to have had decendant of Heracles (Hercules for you Latin-lovers) had taken a wife of an equally glorious family: Olimpias of Illyria, blood of Achilles. By their marriage, Illyria was joined into Macedon and renamed "Epiro". To rule this land, the Macedonian King Phillip left Olimpias' brother, Alexander of Epiro.

Olimpias was unhappy in their marriage because she saw it unfit that her husband have other women. But most importantly, because she was treated as a barbarian just for being foreign.

Alas, greatness was bound for when the bloods of Heracles and Achilles bond, only absolute glory of legendary proportions could be born. And it was in July 356 BC, in Pella, the old Macedonian capital where Megas Alexandros (Alexander the Great) would be born.

The baby Alexandros would constantly be witness to their parent's fierce arguements, but he developed to take his mother's side, angering his father.

His father, who for long had begun conquest of Greece enrolled Alexander into school with the brightest mind of the time: Aristotle.

Phillip wanted his kingdom to be in similarity to a Hellenic (Greek) one, and he wanted his son to be as greek as possible. Alexander made a great pupil, who had a capability for mastering even the most complex and abstract materials at incredible speeds. Still, he watched his father conquer Greece and felt a need to live up to that kind of glory.

"His only worry is that by the time he is done with academy, he won't have any lands to conquer" Aristotle.

After the academy, Alexander and his father were taken into a theatre. Here there was a man trying to ride a crazed horse. Phillip said to kill the horse, for he was impossible to tame. At this moment, Alexander asked his father if he could buy the horse for him. The horse being too expensive, Alexander made him a bet: If he could tame it, his father would buy it. If he could not, he would buy it himself.

As Alexander watched the horse, he noticed it was afraid of its own shadow. Positioning him infront of the sun, he cured his horse's fear. He named this horse "Bucephalus" meaning "ox-headed" which meant at its time to be stubborn but strong. Bucephalus would be his stalion in combat for the rest of his life.

With him he faught his first battle, the battle of Keronea, where the Thebans an the Athenians joined to strike down Phillip. Alexander was put in charge of a Hetairoi (companion cavalry) squadron called "The Spear". This squadron was the elite of the Hetairoi's and they were composed of Alexander and his noble friends (Seleucus, Philotas, Leonato, Hephistion, Tolomeus, Perdicus, Lisimacus and Craterus. Clitus, Parmenion and Atalo where of his father's gaurd.). Here, Alexander proved to be ready for any more oncomming chalenges.

Olimpias and Phillip had another daughter named "Cleopatra". Alexander and Cleopatra got along incredibly well. At the submission of Greek states and the announcing of his future conquests of Asia, Phillip held a dinner party in his palace where a Greek called Alexander of "half-blood". Alexander drew his sword and told the Greek to take it back. Phillip, furious at his boy for threatning his guests got up and said to put it down or he would kill him. However, Phillip was so drunk that when he began to chase Alexander, he fell down. Alexander said: "This be the man who shall take us to Asia? He cannot even take himself from one couch to the next". Now Phillip was angry. So angry he exclaimed: "No child of mine shall strike my honor again! You are banned Alexander! You are dead to me! I have no son!".

Exiled, he seeked his mother. The two of them ran away together to Alexander of Epiro's palace. On the way he discovered his mom belong to a really creepy cult of Dionysus extremist. Big woop.

With Alexander of Epiro, Alexander of Macedon told him of a dream he had. Where Alexander of Epiro would set out to conquer Italy and all the way to the Pillars of Heracles and Alexander of Macedon to reach the Ganges river (both being the extremities of the earth, were the world ended and gave into ocean). He said: "And a beautiful dream it was, Alexander riding east and Alexander riding west. Alexander as the setting sun and Alexander as the sun which rises.".

His father sent him a letter to make peace which clearly said:
"I am sorry Alexander for the offense I have caused you. Please return to Pella so that we may reconciliate in our greatness.

Love, your father.

Alexander, if you try again what you did, next time I shall kill you."


Returning home, Phillip got married to a young woman named Eurydice. She gave birth to a child who threatned Alexander for ownership of the throne. (Eurydice was of noble Macedonian blood, Olimpias was Illyrian). This would not stand.

In the mean time, Parmenion and Atalo where fighting in Asia. Phillip, quickly began worried about the outcome of the invasion of Asia. He decided to attack at this momment, for the Persian courts could not decide who to crown king. Doubtful, he went to visit the oracle of Delphos, dressed as a peasant. When everybody noticed that he was the king, he went and asked to speak to the Pitia directly. (One usually doesn' t do that because when they get possessed by Apollo, they are said to gain a high-pitched screech for a voice) There, the Pitia told him the following: "The Bull has been crowned, The end dire close, The sacrificer ready. They though the "Bull" was the king of Persia (Persepolis's symbol is a winged bull). They thought his end was near because Phillip was his sacrificer. What they did not know was that to his men in his cavalry, Phillip was refered to as the "Bull". (The message meaning that he was going to be killed.)

To strengthen the bond with Alexander of Epiro, Phillip gave him his daughter Cleopatra as wife. (Cleopatra was to marry her uncle) Durring her glorious wedding, Phillip was murdered in the center where everyone could see by a man named Pausanias. Some people believe it was an independant act, others think it was Olimpias. Along with Phillip, Eurydice and her baby died too.

Alexander was furious at this act. More furious was he at the fact that the Thessalian's had taken this chance to rebel. They hoped that Macedonia would be weak to find a new heir, and that Alexander would not be able to group a force in time. He slaughtered the rebels in Larisa by carving a staircase (called "Alexander's Stairs") and attacking them from behind. It was 336 BC by now, and no one would defy his rule again.

Don't miss the next episode:

Chapter 2: The War of the Dunes​

 

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thanks it took me like an hour to write the whole things and check my facts

 

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Chapter 2: The War of the Dunes​

Prologue:
On this chapter, Alexander the Great annexes Anatolia, then he sets out to the city of Gordion where he splits the Gorgodian Knot.

Now that his kingdom had been completely unified, he was ready to complete his fathers dream: to conquer all of Persia.

Alexander left his generals Antipatro and Atalo back in Macedonia and Greece to maintain the peace.

In Anatolia, he decided to first liberate the Greek states the Persian empire had conquered. Within these liberations, the cities gave no trouble to Alexander. They were happy that they were under his command.

Darius, the Persian king was not. He rounded up a massive force and hired the finest mercenary of his time: Memnon the Greek.

Memnon and his wife, Barsine and his two children for long had been maintained by the Persian empire, who employed Memnon.

Anywho, the Persians had stationed in the river Granicus, and Alexander on the opposite side. Just minutes before sunrise, Alexander sent his army to cross the river, and his cavalry to charge first. The persians realized this and in haste attempted to counter-attack. Still, the greatest fighters in Anatolia where the mercenaries of Memnon, who before the battle said:

"Men, we are sold swords. But a sword in coins is not excuse for disonorful battle. We are men without a nation. But our flag is our spear, and our honor is our bread. We fight not for gold, but for this code we live by."

Alexander had a great victory, ensuring his domain over Anatolia. Memnon managed to escape with his life, though. Oh, and if you saw the Oliver Stone movie, where Clitus cuts the arm of a guy in Gaugamela. Yeah, that never happened, Clitus cut the satrap of Anatolia's arm in Granicus when he attempted to kill Alexander.

In a city near to the site of ancient Troy (Alexander read the Illiad too many times) he discovered a Temple of Apollo. Here he found the armor of Achilles and those of Hector. He took them, and for the rest of his career he would wear the Achillian armor and Hepheistion (his best friend) would wear that of Hector. (BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION: Alexander wore the funny lion-shaped helment on in the begining of his career. He then wore Achilles)

From there, he went to Gordion, where they presented him witht the gorgodian knot. He who could untie the knot, would rule all of Asia. Alexander saw the knot and he attempted to untie it (he was in front of his troops at the time). When he realized the knot would not budge, he drew his sword and cut it. His men cheered, and this was the origin of the term "Alexandrian Solution" (when brain fails you, use the muscle you got).

He was now convinced that he would conquer Persia, and his men convinced that he was invulnerable.

Don't miss the next episode:

Chapter 3: At the Gates of Amnon​