Amusing Sketches

[Simon Darkshade]

Headmaster: Well now, Mr.Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that you're a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

Mr Perkins: No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble, then I'd like to nip it in the bud.

Headmaster: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.

Mr Perkins: Dear.

Headmaster: He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. He refuses to muck in at the sports field. And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

Mr Perkins: Oh, dear me.

Headmaster: Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

Mr Perkins: I beg your pardon?

Headmaster: Yes, EXPELLED! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear!

Mr Perkins: You mean he's dead?

Headmaster: Yes... He's lying up there in sick bay now, stiff as a board and bright green, and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see, the boy has no sense of moderation: one moment he's flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable. And beginning to smell.

Mr Perkins: Well, how did he die?!

Headmaster: Well, is that important?

Mr Perkins: Why, yes, I think so!

Headmaster: Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see. We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught, so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system...

Mr Perkins: I'm sorry...

Headmaster: ...was...

Mr Perkins: You beat my son to death?

Headmaster: Yes, yes, so it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced...

Mr Perkins: Well, exactly what happened?

Headmaster: Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!

Mr Perkins: No, during the beating!

Headmaster: Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er...

Mr Perkins: Dead?

Headmaster: Mmm... deadish! ... Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude! And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.

Mr Perkins: Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!

Headmaster: Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. I wondered then, as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier.

Mr Perkins: Are you mad!?

Headmaster: I'm FURIOUS! In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

Mr Perkins: This is preposterous!

Headmaster: Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be...if it were true.

Mr Perkins: ...What?

Headmaster: I've been joking, Mr Perkins. Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg.

Mr Perkins: Oh, thank God!

Headmaster: I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little s**t!

 

[Simon Darkshade]

The Schoolmaster Sketch

Right. Quiet.

Ainsley.
Babcock.
Bland.
Carthorse.
Dint.
Ellsworth-Beast-Major.
Ellsworth-Beast-Minor.
Fiat.
German.
Hemoglobin.
Have-a-nut.
Jones, M.
Jones, N.
Kosygin.
Loud-hailer.
Mattock.
Nancyboy-Possum.
Nibble. Come on, settle down.
Orifice.
Plectrum.
Poinse.
Sediment.
Soda.
Te. Te?
Undermanager.
Wicket.
Williams-Wicket?
Williams-Witcheley.
Witcheley-Wicket.
Witcheley-Williams.
And Witcheley-Williams-Wocket.
Zob. Absent.

All right, your essays.
"Discuss the contention that Cleopatra had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck."
Oxford and Cambridge board O Level paper 1976.
Don't fidget, Bland.
The answer: yes.
Jones, M, Orifice, Sediment and Undermanager, see me afterwards.
Most of you of course didn't write nearly enough.
Dint, your answer was unreadable.
Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you.
Do you have a solicitor, Plectrum? You're lying, Plectrum, so I shall tweak you anyway. See me afterwards to be tweaked.
Yes, isn't life tragic! Don't sulk, boy, for God's sake. Has matron seen those boils?
Horrid little twerp.

Bland, German, Nancyboy, Potter, Undermanager, Cribbing.

Undermanager: answer upside down.
Do you do it deliberately, Undermanager?
You're a moron, Undermanager. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity.
Don't snigger Babcock! It's not funny.
Antony and Cleopatra is not a funny play. If Shakespeare had meant it to be funny, he would have put a joke in it.
There is no joke in Antony and Cleopatra, you'd know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Babcock. Pest!
What play of Shakespear's does have a joke in it?
Anyone?
The Comedy of Errors, for God's sake. The Comedy of Errors has the joke of two people looking like each other.
Twice. It's not that funny, German.
And the other Shakespearean joke is? Nibble?
NIBBLE! Leave Orifice alone!
What a lot.

Right, for the rest of this period you will right about Eanabarbis. Undermanager, just try and write Eanabarbis.
Either way a boil, a boil.
Usual conditions, no conferring, no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib, if possible. You may use dividers, but not on each other.
Kosygin, you're in charge.

 

[Simon Darkshade]

Two versions of this most amusing sketch

The Devil

Hello, nice to see you all again.

Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions? Yes?

Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets... if you'd read your Bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then, I believe that's the idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me still?
CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

All right, off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and bank managers...

Fornicators, if you could step forward - my God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

Okay...

Americans, are you here? Look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for about nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists! Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Okay, and Christians! Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Okay, Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Python's "Life of Brian" - I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing. We're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will travel up and have a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes ... and the chains, and electrodes.

I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the circumstances, I think. It goes something like this:

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Death.

Death wh...!

A Warm Welcome

Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is Hell. And I am the Devil (good evening), but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal in here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time.

Now, you're all here for... eternity! Ooh! Which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time, so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going to have to split you up in groups. WILL YOU STOP SCREAMING! Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them, and lawyers, you're in that lot too.

Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner.

Em... the French, are you here? If you could just like to come down here with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits. Never mind. And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you would come down here, that would be really fine.

Okay! Right, well, are there any questions? Yes?

No, I'm afraid there aren't any toilets. If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was damnation without relief, so if you did not go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then I believe that's the idea.

Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! And I'll catch you all later at the barbecue. Bye!

 

[.:KNAS:.]

i didnt bother reading the last two, but the first one was funny as hell