Bar Jokes

[Plexus]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

 

[Dell19]

Wouldn't he be giving the drinks away for free? In fact he should be paying people to drink it...

 

[dannyevilcat]

These are stupid old bar jokes I've heard:


A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender sees this, and asks:"Hey, buddy, that's neat. where'd you get it?"

The parrot replies:"Who, this guy? In Africa, they're everywhere".




A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Pit Bull are waiting in the vet's office with their owners, when the Chihuahua strikes up a conversation.

"So why are you here?" he asks the Doberman.

"Well, I thought there was a burglar in the house, so I mauled her. It turns out the poor woman was my owner's mother, so he's getting me put down. How about you, you getting put down too?"

The Chihuahua looks really sad. "Yeah. He says I never shut up, and no one else wants to take me, so he's got to do it."

The Chihuahua looks over at the Pit Bull: "So what's your story?"

The Pit Bull nods to his owner, a stunningly beautiful blond, and explains: "Well, one night my owner was sitting on the couch watching a dirty movie, when she started masturbating. I don't know what came over me, but for some reason, I just jumped up and started mounting her."

"That's disgusting! I can't blame her for having you put to sleep!"

"What? No, she's getting my nails clipped."

 

[K-Man]

You want stupid bar jokes...


A guy walks into a bar and says Ouch!

Two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks!



I know they were stupid, but you can't say I didn't warn you.

 

[History_Buff]

I wonder how many of us are actually smart enough to be the third guy.

 

[BCLG100]

this has to be the worst bar joke ever

2 guys walk into a bar

thay both say

can i have a pint

 

[Rodgers]

In the same vein.....

A dog walks into a bar and says "a pint of lager please" and the barman replies "bloody hell!! a talking dog!"

Sorry.

 

[col]

A termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Dell19]

Two men walk into a bar.

Well you would have thought one of them would have seen it.

 

[joespaniel]

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says "sorry, we dont serve food".

 

[Lt. 'Killer' M.]

A very un-pc one....

This Chinese man walks into a bar and tells the black bartender: "A beel, please"

The black dude goes: "What? A beel? That's BeeRRRRRR you slit-eeyes mouse!"

"Well, yes a beel, please!"
"BeeRRRRRRR!!!!"
"Beel!"

Frustrated, the bartender says: "Ok, how about we switch places and I show you how to oreder a beeRRRRRR properly....."

Done.

"One BeeRRRR, please!"

"We don't serve Nigg*ls hele!"

 

[Pliny The Elder]

This big brown ugly bear walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
Bartender says, "We don't serve big brown ugly bears beer in this bar".
Bear growls at him, says, barkeep, i wanna beer!
bartender says, i'm sorry, we don't serve big brown ugly bears beer in this bar.
bear growls, shows his teeth, and shouts, i'm thirsty! give me a damned beer!
bartender says calmly, i'm sorry, sir, we don't serve big brown ugly bears beer in this bar.
the bear shouts, barkeep, you see that blond sittin at the end of the bar? well, if you don't give me a beer, i'm gonna eat'er, clothes and all!
barkeep says, i'm sorry, we can't serve big brown ugly bears beer in this bar, it's against the law.

so, the bear goes to the end of the bar, and eats the blond. clothes and all, i mean, he licks up the blood, ain't nothin left, but her purse.

bear walks back to the barkeep, and says, well? you gonna give me a beer now?
bartender just shakes his head, says, i'm sorry, mr. bear, we can't serve big brown ugly sleepy bears beer in this bar, it's against the law.

the bear cocks his head, looks at the barkeep, and says, what do you mean, sleepy? i'm not sleepy!

bartender says, oh, you will be in a minute. that was a BAR ***** YOU ATE.....

 

[Pliny The Elder]

hmm, i got censored...

 

[sabo]

you have to spell it bich

 

[Pliny The Elder]

Ah. My bad.

edit: but I've even heard the term on prime-time TV. Hmm.

 

[BCLG100]

or you can put ' in the middle

 

[Pliny The Elder]

Did anyone find it funny, even?? That's one of my all-time favorites...

 

[BCLG100]

it was quite funny not a ROFL but still a little lol

 

[Supernaut]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says 'Is this some kind of joke?'

An Afghan, an Italian and a homosexual walk into a bar. What a marvellous example of an integrated multi-cultural society.

I thank yew.

 

[The Overlord]

Originally posted by Dell19
Wouldn't he be giving the drinks away for free? In fact he should be paying people to drink it...

Well he may just keep the money as compensation for the thing with his wife I know it's not much but hey we don't know the abilities of his wife