Book-A-Minute

[aimeeandbeatles]

Pretty hilarious

http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/

 

[Narz]

http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/b/steinbeck.ofmice.shtml

Spoiler Of Mice and Men :

George

Lennie, this is our big chance. Don't be stupid.

Lennie

I love petting purdy things.

Funny & horrible.

 

[Cutlass]

I, Robot
By Isaac Asimov
Ultra-Condensed by Geoffrey Brent


Isaac Asimov

Here's a logic puzzle thinly disguised as a story.

Reader

Hurray!



THE END

 

[mechaerik]

Dune
by Frank Herbert


Frank Herbert
I'm lots smarter than you are. I challenge you to understand even one of my paragraphs!
Reader
Gee, Frank Herbert is smart. I can't even find the plot.

 

[cardgame]

Dune
by Frank Herbert


Frank Herbert
I'm lots smarter than you are. I challenge you to understand even one of my paragraphs!
Reader
Gee, Frank Herbert is smart. I can't even find the plot.

That's a WIN, those books were so boring...

 

[SG-17]

OMFG this one is hilarious.

The Canterbury Tales
By Geoffrey Chaucer
Ultra-Condensed by Brandon Sumner

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a voyage long,
Of pilgrims headed 'cross the land,
Nine and twenty strong.

The Knight was a most distinguished man,
The Skipper brave and sure,
The Doctor had a love for gold,
The Franklin was a whore.
The Franklin was a whore.

The travellers, they found an inn,
The Tabard was its name;
If not for the segues of the Host,
The story would be lame.
The story would be lame.

The pilgrims set out on their course,
St. Christopher they sought;
With the Wife of Bath,
The Miller too,
The Summoner,
And the Reeve,
The Pardoner, and the rest,
To Canterbury they go!


THE END


This one also sums up pretty well for those who get it.

City On the Edge of Forever
By Harlan Ellison
Ultra-Condensed by Jim Sabo


Harlan Ellison

I am the greatest writer in the world. Roddenberry stinks. I worked myself into such a lather over the past thirty years that I can't even write coherently. I even threw in gratuitous profanity to prove I am really mad.



THE END

 

[Bartleby]

Narrator

Bartleby, do what I tell you.

Bartleby

I would prefer not to.

(Humanity is DOOMED.)



THE END

I had to post the above, but Billy Budd is marginally funnier.

 

[classical_hero]

http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/b/orwell.animalfarm.shtml

There are two version, so they will be in spoilers since one is long.

Spoiler snobby version :

Animal Farm
(snobby version)
By George Orwell
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Old Major, the Pig

Let us overthrow the depraved czar, Farmer Jones, a symbol of a feudalist government that falls into moral ruin by its own excess and corruption. (dies)

Napoleon, the Pig

Yes, let us indeed overthrow the human oligarchy as Karl Ma--uh, Friedrich Enge--uh, Wladimir Iljitsch Leni--uh, Old Major said.

Snowball, the Pig

Yes. I'll lead the defense, unwary that you, like the other Napoleon, are pulling a strategic Stalinesque maneuver by using our revolution as a means to set up your own cruel totalitarian empire. I'm a regular Leo Dawidowitsch Trotzky!

(Napoleon sicks his pack of secret police dogs on Snowball, and they EXILE him.)

Sheep

See how easily we, the blind followers of our leaders, ignore the facts and are swayed into loyalty by the pushing of emotional buttons? Four legs good. Two legs baaaad.

Rats and Rabbits

Can we, the Menscheviki, be comrades too?

Moses, the Raven

Take comfort in what I, a symbol of the Orthodox Church, say. When you die, you'll go to the glorious Sugarcandy Mountain. So there's no need for revolution after all.

Squealer, the Pig

Go away, opiate of the people. Like Goebbels, the German minister of propaganda, I have a much greater hold on the people than you do.

Pigeons

Let's be the message carriers of communism and spread the doctrine of the revolution far beyond the physical boundaries of our regime.

Boxer, the Horse

Napoleon is always right. Like the Russian working class, I am convinced of the necessity of our revolution, firmly devoted to its cause, and work hard for my leaders.

Napoleon, the Pig

Good horse, Boxer. We need more animals like you.

Boxer, the Horse

I'm old now. At long last, I have reached retirement age. Now I can rest peacefully while Napoleon takes care of me.

Napoleon, the Pig

Think again, you lazy oaf. (sells Boxer for glue)

(The animals destroy the windmill in an action symbolic of the failure of the Five Year Economic Plan. Then the pigs turn into humans. Thus ends this dystopian fable on totalitarianism.)



THE END

Spoiler stupid version :

Animal Farm
(stupid version)
By George Orwell
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.



THE END

 

[choxorn]

Romeo and Juliet
by William Shakespeare

Romeo
Oh, Juliet!

Juliet
Oh, Romeo!

Romeo
Oh, Juliet!

Juliet
Oh, Romeo!

Romeo
Oh, Juliet! (dies)

Juliet
Oh, Romeo!......Romeo?......Dammit.




THE END

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Darkness At Noon
By Arthur Koestler
Ultra-Condensed by Patrick Masterson

Ivanov and Gletkin
How about confessing to crimes?

Rubashov
How about I didn't do them?

Ivanov and Gletkin
How about you think that over in prison some more?

Rubashov
It's like I'm Nikolai Bukharin or something. (dies)

THE END