[C3C] Celts - Emperor - Random Tech

705 AD

Learn Music Theory. Mollified somewhat by rolling Banking next, which, while not warlike enough for my tastes, at least is related to my second favorite interest, money. Actually, third favorite. Or like twelfth favorite if you count all the positions of my second favorite interest separately...


710 AD

Enact a law to punish anyone caught Music Theorizing. Distracts the citizenry from practicing warfare, building roads to China, or having fruitful baseball games with each other.

The Spanish don't find it very valuable either, and I reject their offer of 7 GPT.

However, Gandhi sees things differently, and pays 95 gold and 75 GPT for music lessons, which his nation's teenagers are reminded of daily by their parents.
715 AD

Accidentally move a worker onto Chinese territory and Mao, who has begun wearing a professor's mortarboard on his head despite being a technological know-nothing, has a conniption fit.
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My war-hungry people, thinking the invasion has commenced, expand my palace anyway.
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720 AD

Gilgamesh contacts me in a panic.
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Me: Wait, which city did you say the Hittites razed?

Gilgamesh: Der.

Me: I can't hear you very well. Can you repeat that?

Gilgamesh: Der! Der!! DERRR!

Me: :lmao:

Abandon Stockholm. Console its citizens that once they are able to extricate themselves from the rubble of their old homes, they will be assigned new ones in "Cinderace," which I am told, is "a fire-type Pokemon from 'Sword and Shield' that knows 'Pyro Ball' and 'Double Kick'"
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Found "Pedro is Ledro" over top of the Furs colony. I am even more dumbfounded by the name of this city, but Brennus Jr - who despite having over 4000 years to prepare, still seems a bit too simple-minded and immature to take over the throne - insisted.

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730 AD

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Siege engines reach Glanum, only two turns from the Chinese border. Four turns remain on the deal where we give them 141 GPT and five on a deal where they give us 36 GPT, so it seems more worthwhile to wait, and preserve my reputation rather than my pocketbook.

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The Barfinder begins the exploration of the last unknown area of the other continent. Excitement at finally meeting the legendary Babylon and unlocking its ineffable mysteries tantalizes Celtic imaginations.



The imagination of the ship's crew also runs wild, though in more prurient directions





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740 AD

Find ourselves behind in tech, down both Astronomy and Chemistry to the Spanish and Chinese.

Can get either from the Spanish for Music Theory, Silks, and Horses, but I don't want to give them Horses.

Can get Astronomy and 77 gold from the Chinese for Music Theory and Silks, but I don't want to Welch, or as we call it, Mayan on a trade deal.

Settle on getting Astronomy from the Spanish for Music Theory, Silks, and 140 gold, the 217 gold surcharge a result of Isabella being furious with me, a situation that is not ameliorated by any amount of innuendo about the number of "S's" in the technology, or my plans to focus a telescope on her back door.

Me: ...the back door of your palace. What did you think I meant?


Turn around (no pun intended) and sell it to the Indians, who love spending money on dumb educational stuff, for 71 gold and 50 GPT.

Trebuchets have reached Buttsville.
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Found Iceberg Falls in the north.
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Brennus Jr demands that I change the name of Piedras Negras, insisting that it is "offensive".

Me: How is it offensive? Did your sister put you up to this?

Brennus Jr: It means "Black Peters" in Spanish.

Me: So? Half our towns are named after butts... Fine. What do you want to call it?

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745 AD

Palace expands again, adding a tasteful Greco-Roman platform on the eastern side to reduce the defenestration mortality rate, but I am dismayed to discover that if the economic advisor du jour is not propelled with sufficient velocity, they'll fall in the gap with predictably lethal results.

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My Gallic Swordsman positioned on the lone neutral tile between Trondheim and Copenhagen frustrates the Japanese and Spanish.

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750 AD

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With a lifetime war record of 80-6, I see no need to micromanage, and appoint Cactus Jack and Vincent Torix to be in charge of the war effort vs. the Chinese.

Besides, I am too busy supervising the carving of tasteful Greco-Roman statues for my palace.


The Barfinder discovers the Indian city of Pune, the hometown of one of my RL colleagues.
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Me: See? See? I'm going to kill all the people and move it over onto the spices so it gets the whale.

Nitesh: It's pronounced "Poon-ay"... What's so funny?
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760 AD
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Trebuchets reach Jaen, the headquarters of both armies, as the main push will be south towards Ningpo after eliminating the Chinese standing on the hills around it.

Defenses in Pepsiman and Arausio have been strengthened, and an additional force of 8,000 or so await in Deva to bolster the Glevum garrison now that the roads have been reopened.

The Spanish border now juts into Lake Brennus between Pamplona and Lezoux, causing passing workers and soldiers to be hassled by border guards. However, little action can be taken beyond the building of some combat libraries.
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Speaking of annoying hassling, the Dutch attempt some sort of naval blockade by the German/Indian border, but the Barfinder manuevers around it, into the dangerous open sea.

I fret momentarily until Admiral Barfind reassures me that his ship is newly equipped with the latest Astronomical gadgetry, including "some super-fine sextants we picked up all over the world"




765 AD

Outbid every other nation in the world and create a wondrous Workshop for the illustrious inventor Leonardo DaVinci.

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Leonardo: What masterpiece of technology, what scientific innovation, what work of genius shall I craft at your behest to repay your generous patronage, sire?

Me: So we've got four companies of Archers in Deva. Can you make their bows slightly longer?

Leonardo: This seems hardly worthy of a mind as magnificent as mine.

Me: Well, there is one additional challenge...

Leonardo (eagerly): Yes? Perhaps you would like exploding arrows? A ballista? An arrow-launching gyrocopter?

Me: I want you to do it for half price!!
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770 AD

A relief force under the command of Vincent Torix moves towards Glevum, where Celtic citizens are being oppressed by having to have Chinese people living nearby.
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Assuage the pain I feel for their suffering by admiring the power graph. The only one who scores more than me is Gilgamesh, which sounds about right, but I don't have to pay for it.
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Found New Alesia in the north to get access to more gold and more lava, which, in a city this far from our capital, have approximately equal value.
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The Barfinder discovers the city of Stuttgart ("Guardian of Stuts"), and is hassled by customs, but the good Admiral reminds the Germans that we have a Right of Passage with their nation and therefore are entitled to as many Stuts as he can fit on the boat.
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Silks deal with the Chinese ends. To prevent smuggling, I order all Chinese women crossing the border to have their garments searched to ensure they are not of Celtic origins.


775 AD

Discover Banking and roll... Economics.
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"Wonderful," I mutter. "We could have Cavalry by now. Instead we're going to learn about mutual funds."

Naturally, my latest Economic advisor can barely contain his glee.

"We could build..."

"Yes, yes. Adam Smith's. Thrilling. Get out."

"No, I was going to suggest Banks in at least five cities. Then when we learn Corporation, we build Stock Markets in those cities. Then we build Wall Street. The magic of compounding interest is truly the eighth wonder of the world."

780 AD
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The Barfinder discovers the city of Lahore, and somewhat unsurprisingly, Prince William, who, even more unsurprisingly, is light of cash.




However, due to his recent seclusion in various fetid grottoes, he is unaware that we've completed Leonardo's and is willing to fork over 34 gold for Invention, which will at least restring a few more bows.
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Tensions at the Chinese border continue to be tense. Fortuitously I notice a company of Medieval infantry fortified on our side of the line whom I plan to frame for an atrocity when the time is right.
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775 AD
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The Sumerians and Hittites sign a peace deal. Nobody cares except the inhabitants of a few border towns with names like Ugmarit and Agana-lak-lak that may or may not have switched nationalities during the long conflict. I order Admiral Barfind to return all the Sumerian refugees he rescued and their descendants to their rightful Hittite pimps or their lawful heirs.

790 AD
During a high-level discussion about the deteriorating situation on our southern border, I learn that Silk comes from worms and not mines as I believed for the last five millennia.
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Once this is confirmed by my scientists, I pardon Trade Advisor for "spreading Chinese propaganda," and "being gross".
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Decide to put this unsavory information to good use and demand that suspicious Chinese border-crossers receive body-cavity searches to ensure they are not attempting to smuggle out our precious worms.

Mao, on his way home from a conference on potential Scandinavian sanctions, is Furious to discover his status as "head of state" does not preclude his "end of state" from being ruthlessly examined, though I reassure him that his selection was completely random, and as he is aware, randomness is something we Celts take quite seriously.

My generals shuffle units around, moving the bulk of the troops to Glevum under Vincent Torix, and leaving Cactus Jack with a small force to deal with Ningpo. Due to the diplomatic kerfuffle, I fail to notice a company of Crusaders and a dozen trebuchets left fortified on a mountain.
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800 AD

Me: How's your southern border, and by southern border, I mean your butt?

Mao: I -

Me: Couldn't be helped, just trying to prevent opium smuggling.

Mao: Your border guard said silk worms...

Me: Well you know how you Chinese are. Always putting something sinister in your hindquarters -

Mao: Really, I must object to this...

Me (interrupts with rude buzzing noise): Overruled, you genocidal, green-toothed mongoloid. Speaking of objections, how about you get your troops off my tile before I poop in your professor hat.

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Immediately form a coalition of civilized nations to confront his barbarous aggression. Buy in the Mayans with Chemistry, the Japanese with Silks and 10 GPT, and the Spanish for 10 GPT (and get a 14 gold rebate). Pay for the war by selling the Indians Banking for 29 GPT and 50 gold.


Slaughter thousands of Chinese troops in the open but fail to take either Canton or Ningpo. It's fine, next turn our siege engines will be in position. Most of them will, anyway - Cactus Jack and Vincent Torix each blame the other for the Crusaders and trebuchets left sleeping in the mountains.
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805 AD
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Chinese troops, showing none of the lethargy and peacefulness expected from opium or silkworm addicts, swarm across the border.

Cowardly Riders, in their effeminate pink vestments and white horses, treacherously avoid direct confrontation with troops in well-fortified positions and instead barbarously chase wounded Celtic knights who are unable to Chivalrously retreat from the onslaught.


An Army of Riders attacks Glevum, which Vincent Torix left defended by only two companies of Gallic Swordsmen. They defend valiantly, but are slaughtered to the last, and the Chinese raze the city, killing 300,000 civilians.
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The international community is shocked by this senseless, unprovoked slaughter, and though the Celtic people seem oddly unperturbed about it, I swear vengeance.

810 AD

Our knights overcome the defenses of Canton. Still angry, I order the city of 360,000 burnt to the ground. It doesn't make up for Glevum, but it helps.

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815 AD

The Germans complete JS Bach's Cathedral. I was building that in Richborough and Copernicus in Entremont. Now I have to switch Richborough to Copernicus, wasting 157 shields. Switch Entremont to a regular University. Got a little wonder greedy/foolish. Would have rather had Bach's than Leo's and Copernicus's combined and now even capturing it won't do much good because it's on the wrong continent.

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The Rider army assaults Deva, which is also only garrisoned by two companies. The world holds its breath... But fortunately, they used up all but one of their moves reaching the city, and Deva holds, a moment which hopefully represents the high-water mark of the Chinese war effort.
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820 AD

I travel south to take charge of the war effort. The army of Vincent Torix, at 9/14 its full strength, is stuck in the wasteland between where Glevum and Canton used to be, with 15 trebuchets, a battered company medieval infantry and some wounded longbowmen. They need to get to safety, but can't fire the trebuchets if they're going to move.
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Meanwhile, Cactus Jack's men are riddled with musketballs and turned back from Ningpo. Fortunately, they can make it back to Jaen to heal, but the wounded 1 move units have to stay outside the city gates being bombarded by a huge herd of Chinese defensive units and siege engines until I can secure a tile for them to retreat to.

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825 AD

Copernicus is nonplussed by his new observatory, which was converted from a cathedral at the last minute. I'm grumpy at having to settle for double the science output of Richborough instead of double the happiness of the country. And our interview gets off to an embarassing start as my handlers give me the wrong set of notes.

Me: So tell me more about this amusing anecdote I heard where you called some musician a "Zippel Fagottist".

Copernicus: I believe that was Bach, sire.

Me: Really? I never would have suspected him of being a homophonist - he's got like fifteen kids. What about you, you're not into homocentric spheres or Protestantism are you?

Copernicus: Certainly not. Is there a way to move this telescope? It seems to be focused on...

Me: It's a feature, not a bug. Never mind all that planetary eccentricity. Now make yourself useful and develop us some cannons - the kind with two N's.

The Chinese batter our troops outside Ningpo with catapults.
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830 AD

Copernicus writes a manuscript, Locationes mansorum desertorum (Locations of Deserted Fiefs), with a view to populating these fiefs with industrious farmers.
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I take his advice, though I reject "Warmia" as inappropriate for a tundra village.

The Spanish learn Printing Press, and we get it, 8 GPT and 14 gold for all our contacts.

The Scandinavians give us 10 gold, 7 GPT (out of what, 9?) and Contact with the Babylonians for Music Theory. Poor Radbach must be going out of his mind with boredom on that iceberg.

Discover that Babylon has no gold, is still in the Ancient Age, and worst of all, is led by this guy.
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Create an embassy and find that it's on an island just off the west coast of Spain.
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They have Walls, LMFAO
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In war news, not much progress, but at least we destroy that Rider Army
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Cactus Jack heals and returns to the fray, preparing for next turn when he no doubt will sacrifice thousands more of his Gallic Swordsmen to wound a musketman.

Further south, Vincent Torix lugs the trebuchets one square closer to safety.

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840 AD

Give the Indians contact with the Babylonians and the Sumerians (lazy - they're the biggest civ on their own continent) for 9 GPT and 27 gold.

Give the Hittites Music Theory for 16 GPT


In war news, Oregon Bill's Army joins Cactus Jack at the gates of Ningpo. We now have 2 gallic armies, 2 crusaders, 7 gallic swordsmen, 1 longbow, 4 med inf, 1 musket, 10 trebuchets, and 4 workers. The workers and crusaders, who are wounded, are fortifying, because this could be a long siege. 6 knights and a gallic swordsman have made it back to Jaen to heal. Inside the city of Ningpo, there's a handful of pikemen and wounded muskets and sundry other units. One would think that the Chinese stack (5 cats, 4 trebs, 9 musketmen, 1 longbow) would be better in the city proper, but I can't really talk trash until I kill them.
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Vincent Torix, his 3 wounded companies, and their 15 trebuchets can't push north to the safety of Deva because of the muskets on the mountain, so they move a square east, next to Macao.
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The Japanese are sending some troops southwards. They are still at war with the Mayans, and took Cuello about 100 years ago.
845 AD

My troops are now bombarded by trebuchets from inside Ningpo as well as from the adjacent hill.

850 AD

Make absolutely no progress, though now Vincent Torix's wounded army that's stuck outside Macao is protected by twenty thousand reinforcements - most of who are also wounded. At least we won't lose the trebuchets.
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Check with Mao and he won't even give Ningpo for peace, not that I was seriously asking. Haha, betray my allies and ruin my reputation by signing a spurious peace treaty to save my own ass long enough to regroup? Nosiree, not me, nope, never.

Contact Admiral Barfinder intending to tell him to scuttle his galley, but he sounds so hopeful about finding Babylon any day now that I hate to crush his spirits to save a paltry 1 GPT.
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Ring up ol' Smoke Jaguar, who, despite our past differences, recognizes when a military ally is having a bad day, and offers me some badly-needed Wines in exchange for Printing Press and contact with the Babylonians, who I assure him are a "highly-advanced civilization with a really cool leader who definitely doesn't wear rubber bands in his beard".
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855 AD

With Wine, everything is better: Tokugawa and Smoke J sign a purple-splotched peace treaty, and a host of Pikeman and siege engines enters Chinese territory with Samurais rapidly closing the distance.
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Learn Economics and hear the ninnies celebrating and toasting one another in the hallways. Manage to lift my head off the desk and bellow "METALLURGY". Hear breaking glass, indicating that I'm effective at inspiring fear at range, but alas, they roll Navigation and I'm too sodden to chase after them.

860 AD

More of the same in the war zone. They bombard us. We bombard them. They build Riders and immediately hurl them at us to die.
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Isabella, who, due to my lofty promises of Chinese plunder, is now only Annoyed with me, offers a staggering 123 GPT and 15 gold for Economics. She must have gotten hold of some Wines herself, but, badly in need of the cash, I hold my tongue.
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The Barfinder completes circumnavigation of the other continent, and fresh off the Spanish windfall, I send orders for it to return to the nearest Celtic harbor to be upgraded to a less embarrassingly outdated vessel.
865 AD

More bombardment. Troops on the mountains south of Deva hold their positions though, and the Japanese, with whom we have an ROP, advance a stack of 4 pikemen and 4 trebs into Chinese territory.
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The Spanish also make their first appearance in the warzone: 4 pikes and 2 of their tiny trebuchets.
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The Mayans will no doubt also appear on the scene in a few hundred years.

870 AD

Our fortunes begin to turn. After our trebuchets punish Macao, Vincent Torix's battered army storms the walls and it is now in Celtic hands.

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Admiral Barfind contacts me with tragic news: His crew unexpectedly mutinied, and threw him overboard. Fortunately, he assures me that at the time they were near Karpepe, and he was able to bravely wade ashore and seek refuge at one of that resort town's many brothels.

His crew, it seems, felt immediately remorseful and also flung themselves into the sea. Many of them, in fact, could be heard in the background, loudly lamenting their wickedness. With no one to pilot it, the galley drifted into deeper waters where it was immediately consumed whole by a "giant sea monster"
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(Okay it's been a month, my HOF turns are taking forever, I started playing the CotM (fun, highly recommend), and I have also been playing LotM, the middle earth mod (Angmar) and another Demigod game (Maya and struggling in the late medieval from a Dutch backstab). If I wait until I'm done with all that, I'd never post again. I have to put my important responsibilities first... so I quit my job and left my family. The next few posts might be a little lacking in quality as I get back into the feel of the story.)

875 AD
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Macao riots and loses all productivity, much like I did when Starbucks said I couldn't sit in there any longer without buying anything and forced me to resettle in the McDonalds parking lot. A little starvation will fix things. For Macao, that is. As for me, it's making it kinda hard to concentrate, especially being so close to where they dump the fryer oil..

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My living quarters are expanded both ingame and in RL, though adding a restroom to my pickup truck via the discovery of an empty Gatorade bottle is admittedly not as impressive as adding a wing to my palace.

880 AD

The Siege of Ningpo drags on. However the stack on the hill is down to four Chinese musketmen, all wounded, and some trebuchets/catapults.
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