Civ4 humor

Alright class please turn to page 67 in your history books, today we are looking at the reasons, and end result of the great war. A war which cost millions of lives, and billions of dollars and saw the redrawing of all the world maps.

It's of course common knowledge that the war began when Montezuma demanded a fish from our mighty nation. Of course Hannibal could have given him it since we have many, but instead our wise leader gave him the finger which many historians cite as the spark that lit the flames of war.
 
Lol this is great stuff.
 
The Englo-Native Empire of Africa, Conquerors of Greece, Korea, Vikings and many other useless midgets, desend upon us! They have big horses with guns! All we have is the power of our workers! Raise your hammers! Chisels! Charge into them as our warriors hold them up! We are the only one who is the champion of the free peoples! This is MONGOLIA!!! Then, they charged the cavalry and slaughtered them all.

What happened is that I killed off all of africa except our vassal Inca, Japan in NIle and Russia in Somalia. When I and my sister manuvered our 50 Cavalry army against Monols, who are in Cartharge, they sent a warrior and a worker into a wooded hill right on my rail road between two mountains, mad that they took up the fastest way to get in, I charged. I watched as they slaughtered the warrior with one left but then the workers popped up and threw the axes they are using to cut the tree there for foward something. One hit each of the horses and the last warrior killed off the last Cavalry. Damn I was pissed!
 
I LOVE IT! the worst part its true! Its like hammering cows to death, and discovering you had an unknown deposit of pigs! I know they are not bugs, but there slip ups which are hilarious. Well, u made them hilarious!
 
"The Malians did WHAT?!?!" screamed President Khan, his face bright red.
"Erm... a group of s-seventeen t-tanks are poised outside O-Old Sarai sir...", stammered Bob, his chief military advisor.
"TANKS?!?! IT'S 1250! 1250!!! WE BUILT THE ORACLE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!", Khan screeched, his voice shattering no less than 120 windows in the surrounding city of Karakorum.
"I recommend moving the 1st-13th Spearmen battalions out of New Sarai, s-sir."
"Spearmen?!? Versus Tanks?!?! Yeah, right. Who ever heard of a Spearman killing a tank?!?! That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! Why would anyone think a Spearman could kill a Tank?!?"
"D-do y-y-you h-have a-a-any b-b-b-b-better i-ideas?", whimpered Bob, attempting not to wet himself.
"...Do it. And I want my Science Advisor hung," The Khan sighed. Bob breathed a sigh of relief, and went home to change his pants.

***​

"W-we lost lost N-New S-Sarai, s-s-sir," reported Bob three days later, "they suffered one casuaty, and t-that was because a tank d-driver suffocated while he laughing at us."
Khan roared, and yelled, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THAT!"
Bob quietly wet himself again, and whispered, "We should probably take move all our troops into Beshbalik and Karakorum, sir."
"I WASN'T DONE INSULTING YOU YET! YOU IGNORANT, STUPID, HOMOSEXUAL OAF!!!11!one! I'VE SEEN MANLIER PEOPLE AT MY DAUGHTER'S BEAUTY PAGEN-"
":( I quit."
"What?"
"I quit. I don't like you being mean to me. It hurts my feelings," explained Bob. The Khan's manic smile dropped ff his face, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"W-What?!? I need you! You complete me!"
"Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Khany."
"I'm not even sure what you did anymore. Cause the deaths of 5,000,000 people or something?"
"Something like that."

The two men embraced in an incredibly manly hug, and sobbed into eachother's sholders.

I can't believe I just wrote that. *Barfs*
 
BakingTheArt said:
"The Malians did WHAT?!?!" screamed President Khan, his face bright red.
"Erm... a group of s-seventeen t-tanks are poised outside O-Old Sarai sir...", stammered Bob, his chief military advisor.
"TANKS?!?! IT'S 1250! 1250!!! WE BUILT THE ORACLE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!", Khan screeched, his voice shattering no less than 120 windows in the surrounding city of Karakorum.
"I recommend moving the 1st-13th Spearmen battalions out of New Sarai, s-sir."
"Spearmen?!? Versus Tanks?!?! Yeah, right. Who ever heard of a Spearman killing a tank?!?! That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! Why would anyone think a Spearman could kill a Tank?!?"
"D-do y-y-you h-have a-a-any b-b-b-b-better i-ideas?", whimpered Bob, attempting not to wet himself.
"...Do it. And I want my Science Advisor hung," The Khan sighed. Bob breathed a sigh of relief, and went home to change his pants.

***​

"W-we lost lost N-New S-Sarai, s-s-sir," reported Bob three days later, "they suffered one casuaty, and t-that was because a tank d-driver suffocated while he laughing at us."
Khan roared, and yelled, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THAT!"
Bob quietly wet himself again, and whispered, "We should probably take move all our troops into Beshbalik and Karakorum, sir."
"I WASN'T DONE INSULTING YOU YET! YOU IGNORANT, STUPID, HOMOSEXUAL OAF!!!11!one! I'VE SEEN MANLIER PEOPLE AT MY DAUGHTER'S BEAUTY PAGEN-"
":( I quit."
"What?"
"I quit. I don't like you being mean to me. It hurts my feelings," explained Bob. The Khan's manic smile dropped ff his face, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"W-What?!? I need you! You complete me!"
"Oh, I could never stay mad at you, Khany."
"I'm not even sure what you did anymore. Cause the deaths of 5,000,000 people or something?"
"Something like that."

The two men embraced in an incredibly manly hug, and sobbed into eachother's sholders.

I can't believe I just wrote that. *Barfs*
Click to expand...

lol :lol: that's classic!
 
The Year 1400 AD:

"Sir!" A sentry ran towards the Captain of the Guards, atop the great walls of Mecca. "Khmer forces have been sighted south of Baghdad! They will be here within a day!"

"A day?!" The Captain's face drained of blood. "But...their cavalry would be dead of exhaustion! It's the desert, for Allah's sake!"

"Our spies report their usage of large metallic creatures, each with a massive hollow cylinder that shoots flame from the top! Within each creature is three men! Not to mention other metallic creatures that have the power of 20 Trebuchets!" The sentry gasped for air after the run and announcement. The Captain grimaced. What foul manner of beasts were these? Chinese, maybe? Indian? The Khmer had conquered them a hundred years before, and many ethnic Indians were gearing for a fight...

"Fine. Bring the city to full alert! Evacuate all civilians across the Red Sea and to Moqadishu!" His eyes scanned the horizon...within a day it would be filled with smoke and fire and the screams of the wounded on both sides.

"We can't!" A pause.
"WHAT?! WHY IN HELL NOT?!"
"Uhhh....their ships have blockaded all ports.."
"Dammit. Fine. Send the civilians south to found a new city!"
"Sir, we're in the middle of a war here!"
"I DON'T CARE! WE NEED AS MANY CITIES AS POSSIBLE! NOW HOP TO IT!"
"SIR YES SIR!"

Two days later....

"Sir!" The same sentry ran towards the same Captain of the Guards, atop the dirt dugouts of Damascus. "Khmer forces have been sighted! They will be here within a day!"

"Dammit! Again?!" The captain thought for a bit. "Our liege refuses to capitulate, no? Maybe....maybe we could sue for peace!" Suddenly, trumpets sounded all around the city...nay, the Empire.

"PEACE! PEACE AT LAST! WE FINALLY HAVE PEACE!!!!" The Captain sounded jubilant. "Wait...how do we know those Khmer troops know?!"

2 hours later...

A guard ran to the Khmer King.

"Master! We have amazing news! In the last day of the war, our forces have captured the southern city of Damascus!"
 
Gooblah said:
The Year 1400 AD:

"Sir!" A sentry ran towards the Captain of the Guards, atop the great walls of Mecca. "Khmer forces have been sighted south of Baghdad! They will be here within a day!"

"A day?!" The Captain's face drained of blood. "But...their cavalry would be dead of exhaustion! It's the desert, for Allah's sake!"

"Our spies report their usage of large metallic creatures, each with a massive hollow cylinder that shoots flame from the top! Within each creature is three men! Not to mention other metallic creatures that have the power of 20 Trebuchets!" The sentry gasped for air after the run and announcement. The Captain grimaced. What foul manner of beasts were these? Chinese, maybe? Indian? The Khmer had conquered them a hundred years before, and many ethnic Indians were gearing for a fight...

"Fine. Bring the city to full alert! Evacuate all civilians across the Red Sea and to Moqadishu!" His eyes scanned the horizon...within a day it would be filled with smoke and fire and the screams of the wounded on both sides.

"We can't!" A pause.
"WHAT?! WHY IN HELL NOT?!"
"Uhhh....their ships have blockaded all ports.."
"Dammit. Fine. Send the civilians south to found a new city!"
"Sir, we're in the middle of a war here!"
"I DON'T CARE! WE NEED AS MANY CITIES AS POSSIBLE! NOW HOP TO IT!"
"SIR YES SIR!"

Two days later....

"Sir!" The same sentry ran towards the same Captain of the Guards, atop the dirt dugouts of Damascus. "Khmer forces have been sighted! They will be here within a day!"

"Dammit! Again?!" The captain thought for a bit. "Our liege refuses to capitulate, no? Maybe....maybe we could sue for peace!" Suddenly, trumpets sounded all around the city...nay, the Empire.

"PEACE! PEACE AT LAST! WE FINALLY HAVE PEACE!!!!" The Captain sounded jubilant. "Wait...how do we know those Khmer troops know?!"

2 hours later...

A guard ran to the Khmer King.

"Master! We have amazing news! In the last day of the war, our forces have captured the southern city of Damascus!"
Click to expand...

:confused:
 
Typical civ 4: Capture the city and THEN sign peace treaties. (Last turn/ day of war)
 
Adviser: a message from mao, sir,(see attachment) it appears he wants us to help him destroy china:confused:

Me: hmmm, they have many spears, which get an infinite combat bonus against tanks, lets not
 

Attachments

  • Civ4ScreenShot0005.JPG
    Civ4ScreenShot0005.JPG
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Lt. Fodder: Sir our army is ready to launch its assualt into the heart of the evil empire of the Second German Republic, give the order and we shall attack.

General Hendricks: Good, with this we shall destroy our long time enemy once and for all, just so were clear we still control Ethiopia and the Natives as a puppet right?

Lt. Fodder: Uh which one Monty or Sitting Bull?

General Hendricks: It really doesn't matter, both are just crappy vassals.

Lt. Fodder: True enough but will they really be enough to tip the balance in our favor?

General Hendricks: Of course, our plan relies on Ethiopia's army pinning them down long enough for our divisions to seize Berlin.

Lt. Fodder: Can't argue with that. I'll give the order

The next day

General Hendricks: It cost 3/4 of our strength, but the grand city of Goth is once again ours, gone is the humiliation of our last war.

Lt Fodder: Aren't you a little bit worried that they have infantry against our Cuirrasseurs, and that we only destroyed 1/20 of their army.

General Hendricks: Uh no, we just need to do to them what we did to these buggers.

*Shouting in the distance*

Lt Fodder: What is... COUNTER ATTACK!

An artillery shell smashes into him

General Hendricks: Oh... That explains his name, but why didn't the mighty Ethiopian swordsmen army slow them down?
 
From the diaries of Montezuma, leader of the Aztecs:

"My people were growing rapidly - so rapidly that they cried out in unhappiness that their beautiful city was too crowded. The ingrates!

So I whipped them until their bodies piled high and made a sacrificial altar.

They're not complaining about the overcrowding any longer..."
 
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