Civ4 humor

I assume this oddity has been dealt with, but I'll have a go:

Governors Palace, New York.

"Well, Howdy folks, Ahm glad to make yer acquaintance"

"Oh, I am sorry my good man, I was expecting to meet with the city governor, not his interpreter"

"Ah am the governor, pal".

"But you speak English! I am surprised, not to say a bit suspicious, to find a gentleman such as yourself to be so familar with what I imagine to be a tongue not heard in these realms too often before this auspicious day"

"No, ah don't know whart this 'Inglish' is that y'all be talkin of. Ah speak American. As do y'all, even if yah do speak it peculiar like".

"Hmm. Well then, what about this fine city. I come from a place called York, and yet this claims to be New York. I'm afraid there is nothing at all similar with York about it, my good man. I should advise that you drop that appelation forthwith".

"Now you look here sunshine, this is mah burg, and ah don't know what y'all be babbling about this here naht bein Noo Yahrk, but ah jes wanna ber makin it cleeah that it most assuredly is, and ah'll thank y'all to not be so goddam arrogant".

"Well I never! In that case I shall making my way back to our Prime Minister, Queen Elizabeth -"

"Now jus hang on there one goddam minute! How can your Prahm Ministah be a Queen? Whaht kind a' show ah you runnin'?"

"How DARE you, you ... you bounder! I have never been so insulted -, In fact, this .. this EXCUSE for a diplomatic meeting is OVER. Good day to you sir!'

* clomp clomp clomp clomp ... SLAM! *

"Well, Ah wonder what wahs his problem? Hey Randy, yer better tell the President tah rustle up some more of them swordsmen. Trouble brewin'".
 
Speakers of Japanese will understand this...

The Hispano-Japanese war bred many great swordsmen, the greatest of whom made his name echo throughout the land when he single-handedly won the battle of Seville. His name fit his extreme bravery: MITSUMARI! (三毬)
 
Warrior 1: Crap A Tank!

Warrior 2: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WERE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! ;_;_;_;

Warrior 3: I call upon you Sid, Give us your Advice!

Sid's Tips: Snacks are good in moderation.

Warrior 3: ...WEEEEEEEEEEEERE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Warrior 1: NOT YET! *Throws Cheese Puff at the Tank, Blowing it to bits*. You didn't have it in Moderation fools!
 
Have you ever read hitch hikers guide to the galaxy because the writing style is very similar, well made, very funny all credit to you
 
Spearman: Oh crap a Tank!
Spearman 2: Don't worry, I heard a story where a Spearman could beat a tank!
Spearman: Really!?
Spearman 2: Yeah, you see, a Tank just like that one came rolling down towards a Spearman, and then the Spearman, cowering in fear stabs the Tank with the spear. The Tank was left in a smoking wreck!
Spearman: WOW! Really? So if I stab the tank, then it'll blow up?
Spearman 2: Sure it will, sure! Go ahead, try it, I'll stand over here...

-Spearman stabs the tank-
-nothing happens-
Tank: Idiot -runs over Spearman-
Spearman 2: Sucker... Oh crap! Now I'm vulnerable!
-Tank fires-
-Spearman 2 dies-
Gunship: Well that was stupid of him! Looks like it's up to me again! Always me... being a Gunship and all...
 
"You know, this is really upsetting. There are all these enemies with jet planes and tanks after us, but there is no military presence here. I think I and amout 3,000 of my buddies are going to refuse to work because of this."

"No wait, it's okay! A bunch of guys in loincloths with clubs just showed up in town."

"Oh, that's a relief. Back to work then."
 
One very nice day in Mecca, Saladin and Isabella, two very attractive young lovebirds, have decided to eat lunch atop the Pyramids.

"Ohh, Saladin...Would you like some of my crabs?"

"Wait...You have Crabs?!"
 
advisor-"Our glorious nation has just completed its first ICBM"
me-"Ok..."
me-"let's see the big picture"
advisor"there is no bigger picture, you never researched paper, so we have to carve the image on a slate"
me-"don't we have computers"
advisor-"YEAH, WELL... SHUT UP! Anyway, why don't we try and keep the peace for now"
5 turns later
Monty-give us 1000 helicopters and 1 dollar, or you will die from my jaguars
Me-you know you only have 1 city from my tanks from earlier, right? And we have nukes
Monty-A perfect target(declares war)

Not that funny, but oh well

ANYWAY on an unrelated game
Catherine- fool, prepare to die
luckily i had already declared that I was rubber and she was glue:goodjob:
 
"Sir. The final assessment on Incan military capabilities." The aide handed over a folder stuffed to the brim with papers.

The President took the folder, and placed its contents carefully on the desk before him. He had faced difficult decisions before, but none like this: his Staff of generals and top aides had requested that a nuclear weapon be dropped on the Incan capital of Cuzco. However, the data before him suggested that using the ultimate weapon would result in catastrophic loss of life, and the enmity of the most of the world leaders. On the other hand, an invasion of the capital was estimated to cost 30,000 American lives, and the loss of billions of dollars' worth of infrastructure. His hand curled into a fist, then let go. The aide left the office. Sighing heavily, his hand began to waver over the Red Line on his desk. Hesitating for the slightest of moments, he grabbed the phone.

"General Casey? The sun sets on Cuzco today." He dropped the phone, his hands shaking with tremors. What had he done?

At 2:03 pm that day, a second sun appeared on the horizon over Cuzco.

At 5:00 pm that day, a team of officials entered the Oval Office.

"Mr President, sir?" A wirey man spoke up.
"Yes?" The President had appeared to age five years in the few hours between the call and the explosion. Wrinkles on his forehead were more pronounced then ever.
"We analyzed the explosion," A senior staffer dropped an envelope on the desk. "Only about half the soldiers present in Cuzco died, and the civilian population fell by a quarter. Most of the buildings survived the blast. The land in a 2 mile radius has been infected by Fallout and is unusable, and the rest is controlled by our men. However, the city shows no signs of falling."
"It...is our suggestion that the troops be sent in."
"WHAT?!" The President shot up in his chair. "You're telling me I agonized for two hours over dropping a doomsday device on another capital, only to find out that it was ineffective and unnecessary, since we still have to invade!?"
"Uh....yes sir. That's correct."
"GODDAMMIT!" The President stood up in rage. "GET OUT! NOW!" The team almost sprinted out of the Office. He pressed the button on his desk.
"Yes, Mr President?" A secretary spoke.
"Get me the Pentagon. Tell 'em to invade."

Spoiler :
Not exceedingly funny. At all. Just my rationalization of the rage I feel when I drop an ICBM on a city to find its dropped from Size 20 to Size 15, two units are dead, and only five are injured. Goddammit, the city should be an empty Size 1 City with no buildings or Wonders, period!
 
Fallout shelters and hidden forcefield domes. :lol:

That's how it worked. Even though you were not playing Next War, the cities ALWAYS have a hidden forcefield dome. ALWAYS
 
Once upon a time, in a faraway Civ game, there was a: RFC. There was a great man named Bismarck, who was surrounded by friends such as Louis XIV, Elizabeth, Suileiman, Wilem van Orange, and Catherine. And one day, an strange event happened: Catherine asked for 1000 gold, nothing in return. Bismarck declined. Catherine delcared war with her vassal, Joao II. Bismarck, in a flurry of confusion, wasted no time in trying to recruit allies. Suileiman, who Bismarck had helped with in his war against Arabia, declined. The French, who Bismarck had helped, declined. Everyone declined.

And so Catherine released the ultimate weapon: Joao's single horse archer. Bismarck's Cuirassiers tried to stop this weapon of doom, but to no avail. The Pikeman tried to stop it, but to no avail. Bismarck, so fed up with this madness, looked for Sparta and found it wasn't there, and decided to use the god-powers of World Builder. Against all odds, the mighty Modern Armor failed. :eek: It was unstopable! Finnaly, Joao's horse archer attacked the city-fortress of Ludwig, and was halted by a mere axeman. The war continued on, Bismarck unable to take on Russia because of the invisible but deadly General Winter, and unable to take on Portugal because of a stuipd Frenchman in a wig won't open borders. Boats take too long, and Worldbuilder takes the fun out of it. And they all lived happily ever after!

Not ment to be that funny, just an example of how bad things can go.
 
A raggedy group of hippies were gathered outside the city's army recruitment office. The war between the Native American Empire and the Byzantine Empire had been waging for 20 years, and the citizens were starting to get fed up.

The hippies were in full protest mode, with songs of "War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing" bursting out from the crowd.

Hippie Ujurak shouted, "Gawd, we hate you military guys! Get out of here!"

Hippie Shikoba joined, "Yeah, lousy fake Roman killers! Why can't we just live in a free society without guns!?"

Army Recruiter Sgt. Aucaman Ahtahkakoop poked his head out of the recruitment office and addressed the protesters. "Whaddya talkin about? Byzantium declared war on us, remember!? You can't be annoyed at a defensive war!"

But the crowd only shouted back in chorus "War! What is it good for!? Absolutely nothing!"

Sgt. Aucaman Ahtahkakoop "Well, whatever. Ujurak, you're being drafted into a Mechanized Infantry. Get in here!"

Ujurak, "Ok." And he did.

But this only put the crowd into an uproar, "Hell no! We won't go! Hell no! We won't go! Hell no! We won't go!" as they burnt their draft cards and stuff.

Sgt. Ahtahkakoop finally had enough. "Alright! Okay! Have it your way! You don't want the army in your town, fine! Pack it all up guys, we're outta here! Stupid leader building universities, anyway."

As the unit packed everything including goarmy.com signs in their camo truck, the hippie group cheered in celebration at their victory. They were waving goodbye, throwing flowers, and passing joints as the army vehicles departed the city for good when suddenly a look of rage spread over every hippie face. "Wait! We fear for our safety!! We demand military protection!!!"
 
I've got one.

Strategoi Alexander XLVII of Greece sighed. This was the 20th time today an Incan Scout had run through Athens. This same scouting party had been going through since about 3500 BC, and it was 30 AD. Finally, he opened up a window, looked at the large nomadic village of Incan scouts, and yelled at them, "GO AWAY!!!!!! HAVEN"T YOU SCOUTED OUT MY LANDS ENOUGH! I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN EVERY SQUARE INCH OF MY LANDS BY NOW! GO BUG BOME!" The chief scout called up to him, "We can't! Inca doesn't have open borders with anyone but you, and we're all that's left, because the Gods have required a complete kill before a civilization falls on this plane of being! So we can't go anywhere!"

Alexander slapped his face. He pressed a red button. A man in a loincloth popped up near them. "Alright. It's war!" The man started beating the chief incan with a large wooden stick. THe others cried out, "Let us be Greek!" "Allright."

THE INCAN CIVILIZATION HAS BEEN DESTROYED.



Based on a game I played where I had set "Require Complete Kills." I beat the Inca, then let their scouts roam around just for fun, until I realized they couldn't get out.
 
America and Spain had been at war for decades now. It had all started hundreds of years ago when Spain ordered America to convert to Buddism, their state religion. When America refused it sparked a war that has lasted into the industrial age. Recently the Spanish city of Barcelona was captured and Prime Minister Washington has come to inspect its defences for the imminent Spanish counter-attack

While peering out the window of Airforce 1 Washington could see Gunships circling Barcelona. "Excellent," he thought. These gunships would help soften up the spanish tanks so his mechanized infatry and his own tanks could crush the spanish invasion force. When airforce one prepared to land he spotted several artillery divisions surrounding the city "Also good," he thought. The artillery can also be used to soften up the Spanish Invasion force.

When the plane landed Washington noticed several infantry divisions marching by several battalions of tanks. "This is superb!" Washington thought. Spain didn't stand a chance now. Washington and his entourage then went to the barracks to visit General Rommel, the man who was so dedicated in commanding the army at Barcelona (does anyone else see the irony in this). Anyway Washington walked up to the General and commended him with his superb job defending the city and that the Spanish didn't stand a chance.

However when Washington told him what he had seen so far, Rommel remarked "But sir, you haven't seen our secret weapon yet." "oh," said Washington. "Show me this 'Secret Weapon' you speak of". The General then lead him to a courtyard in a separate barracks where Washington beheld hundreds of spearmen drilling for combat. "These are SPEARMEN!!!" he shouted. "They won't stand a chance against the spanish forces!!!". The general replied, "Actually our spys say that the Spanish counter attack force will consists mainly of tanks and everyone knows a spearmen can beat a tank." "ARE YOU CRAZY" Washington shouted. How can these guys with their spears beat a tank, who told you that rediculous story anyway!!!" "It was a prophecy ,ade by the oracle sir"
"The oracle is out of date"
"Thats a matter of opinion sir"
"Fine I'll bet you half of my salary that these spearmen will be utterly destroyed by the Spanish tanks"
"Fine by me sir"
Washington then left thinking about all the lovely ways he could use the money he would most sureely win in this bet.

Several days later a report from his spys came in. Washington was shoched to discover that: :spear::spear::spear:

A few minutes later an aid popped his head in the door.
"Sir there's a General Rommel on line 1 demanding his money"
"Tell him to hold on a second"
"Washington then ordered his bombers to destroy all the phone lines connecting Washington City to Barcelona"
The aid returned
"Sir its that General Rommel fellow again, he's sent you an email demanding his money"
Washington then decided that in retrospect the internet had not been a good idea. He ordered All emails from Rommel to be automatically sent to the "spam filter".
The aid returned
"Sir, dozens of carrier pigeons are sitting on the windows all carrying letters from Rommel demanding his money
Washington decided he'd take a nice long vacation

Oh, and BTW: Just to prove that a 99% chance of victory dosn't actually mean a 100% chance of vicotry, I've actually lost a battle with a 99.9% chance (chariot vs. warrior), in addition I tend to win more battles with a 30-39% chance then a 70-79% chance
 
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