Famous insults

[onejayhawk]

Borrowing from MrPrez in another thread:
Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

Churchill was also known for his verbal duels with playwrite G B Shaw. On one occasion Shaw sent him tickets for the opening of his new play.

Shaw: Winnie. Here are two tickets for opening night. Bring a friend if you have one.
Churhill: I cannot make opening night. I will come to the second night, if there is one.

And of course, Groucho Marx: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception

J

 

[napoleon526]

In his personal letters to his wife, General George McClellan frequently referred to President Lincoln as "The Gorilla."

 

[TrailblazingScot]

And I like your face, if it is a face


Groucho Marx take-offs...I used it a debate when asked if I'd take a point of information.

"Yes, because I like your face...if it is a face". Perfect. It didn't really then matter what his point was

 

[Lord_Vetinari]

I don't remember the exact wording, but it goes something like this. Some British lady says to Winston:
"Winston, you're drunk!!
"Yes. And you are ugly. But tomorrow I will be sober"

 

[Heffalump]

Another Churchill insult-

President Truman comments to ex-Prime Minister Churchill that the Labour Prime Minister who followed him "is a modest fellow".

Churchill retorts: "He has a lot to be modest about".

 

[Pillager]

The Duke of Wellington, at his wedding, on seeing his bride-to-be after an absence of several years:

"She's grown ugly, by Jove!"

Churchill on Atlee (?):

"He's a sheep in sheep's clothing"

 

[MrPresident]

Borrowing from MrPrez in another thread:

Well if you have to copy then it is better to copy from the best.

Another Churchill one this time directed at Lord Charles Beresford, "He can best be described as one of those orators who, before they get up, do not know what they are going to say; and when they are speaking do not know what they are saying; and when they have sat down, do not know what they have said."

Got to love a good America-bashing quote.
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." - Oscar Wilde

"We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" - Milton Berle

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." - Groucho Marx

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." - Hunter S. Thompson

"I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork." - Irving Brecher

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest." - Steven Pearl

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Groucho Marx

"So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name." - Alan Bennett

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." - Groucho Marx

 

[gr8ful wes]

Yogi Berra was once told that he looked cool ona particularly hot day. He replied to the woman by telling her that she didnt look too hot herself.

 

[napoleon526]

Originally posted by gr8ful wes
Yogi Berra was once told that he looked cool ona particularly hot day. He replied to the woman by telling her that she didnt look too hot herself.

This doesn't really count as an insult. Yogi wasn't deliberately trying to insult the woman, he just inadvertently spouted out one of his trademark malapropisms.

 

[Simon Darkshade]

The 3rd Lord Moynihan, who has died in Manila, aged 55, provided, through his character and career, ample ammunition for critics of the hereditary principle."
-- "Daily Telegraph", Obituary
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"Lampooning is unnecessary with many people. Quoting is sufficient."
-- Robert Neumann

"The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature."
-- Dorothy Parker

"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
-- Charles Pierce

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox!"
"That, my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress!"
-- John Wilkes to The Earl of Sandwich, Parliament, November 1763

"I would've been your father but the guy behind me had exact change."

"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."

"Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again..."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"

"I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."

"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me."

"I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."

"You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject."

"This plumber is trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen. 'Listen madam', he says to her, 'Crying only makes it worse'.

 

[gr8ful wes]

Originally posted by napoleon526

This doesn't really count as an insult. Yogi wasn't deliberately trying to insult the woman, he just inadvertently spouted out one of his trademark malapropisms.

Yeah I know, but it was pretty funny.

 

[Sith^]

I fart in your general direction! now go away, before I shall taunt you a second time!

-A French Soldier.

 

[onejayhawk]

Just because your head comes to a point, doesn't mean that you're sharp. My adoring mother.

J

 

[Cantankerous]

While not really an insult, this is a quote that I had always heard was attributed to the 17th Century French philosopher La Rochefoucauld,

"It is not merely good enough to succeed, one's friends must fail."

 

[napoleon526]

Former Republican Senator Bob Dornan once called openly gay Representative Barney Frank "Barney Fag." Later, while apologizing for the remark, he accidently referred to Frank as "Barney Fife."

 

[cgannon64]

Originally posted by Sith^
I fart in your general direction! now go away, before I shall taunt you a second time!

-A French Soldier.

(That was mine!) "Your mother was a hamster, and your father was a strawberry!", or something like that.

CG

 

[Serutan]

From Benjamin Disraeli:
"Now I will tell you the difference between a tragedy and a
catastrophe. If Gladstone fell in the Thames, it would be a tragedy. If someone fished him out, it would be a catastrophe".

Churchill on Atlee : "An empty cab pulled up, and Atlee got out".

 

[anarchywrksbest]

Well Sir Raleigh stole Spanish gold jewllery from a ship and gave them to Elizabeth I. Who then in turn wore them to a meeting with the Spanish ambassador. Now thats insultings

 

[SKILORD]

Originally posted by cgannon64


(That was mine!) "Your mother was a hamster, and your father was a strawberry!", or something like that.

CG

AHHHHH! This borders on heretical!


"You're Mother was a Hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries"

If you're going to spout nonsense at least spout it correctly.

 

[Ado]

"Anyone who likes cryptic crosswords is a dickhead. That’s not an anagram – it’s the top of a penis." - Sam Kekovich