Notes for the reader : 1) Brennus hailed from a far northern Celtic clan. 2) For Brennus's wise advice on settlement, just skip to the last paragraph.
The Saga of Brennus Mac Brennus, Chapter 1
The fifth consecutive night of cold, driving drizzle was the last straw. Brennus MacBrennus, King of the Celts, had reached breaking point. Och aye, Doris, this accursed weather is truly the last straw! he bellowed at his wife from their sodden sleeping mat.
Is it, Brennie darling ? she replied. Doris MacBrennus, wife of the ferocious and foul-tempered chieftain, was by necessity a placid and even-tempered woman. Have ye lost your other straws already ? I did'nae ken ye had any in the first place. I could cast aboot for them tomorrow if ye like.
Ach nae woman. I mean tae say that ... I've had a right belly full of ... ach it dinnae matter none. Muttering curses at whichever sadistic God chose a cold and wet climate for this game, Brennus subsided into a fitful and rather damp sleep.
Brennuss sour mood made him particularly receptive to the Celts Gods influences. His usual dreams that night of joyful pillage and slaughter were interrupted a divine inspiration. Brennus dreamed a grand vision, seeing himself enthroned in a magnificent palace and surrounded by a mighty army of his fierce Celtic tribesmen. Overflowing chests of rich booty lay at his feet. His palace walls and temple gates were festooned with the severed heads of hundreds of his enemies, and the streets of his city were paved with the crushed skulls of thousands of defeated warriors. Lakes and ponds were strategically placed throughout the city, each stuffed to the brim with captured weaponry. It was truly a Celt's paradise.
The next morn, Brennus awoke with a thoughtful expression on his face and a radical new idea to mull over. Doris ... he called. Aye Brennie ? she called back from the doorway of their hut, I hav' nae found your lost straws yet. But I'm still looking for 'em for ye though. Brennus blinked and shook his head in disbelief. Doris, there are nae any blasted straws he shouted to her. Come inside now an' hear out my new idea. Doris may not have been the sharpest knife in the armoury, however her years of expertly managing her ill-tempered husband had given her a keen political astuteness that Brennus relied upon time and time again.
I've had me a vision from the Gods in mae dreams. I ken that we must tae build ourselves a settlement. Brennus explained. I see now that our arms and our treasure cannae truly grow strong whilst we wander about pillaging and looting, and camping in these accursed leaky, freezing huts. An besides, I ken that Ill soon need a lot more wall space ter decorate wi the heads of mae former enemies.
Aye Brennus she replied, that I would like. A little cottage that does'nae leak, a vegetable garden, a comfortable bed, and all those awful rotting heads well outside ... aahhh. She dreamed of the prospect for a moment, then snapped back to reality. They'll never agree, y'know Brennie she said, thinking of the clan chiefs. At the start, at least, that is ... not unless ye market the concept properly she continued. What'd ye mean, lassie ? Eh ? Market ? Brennus growled at her.
Doris knew that Brennus's mastery of subtlety and diplomacy was about as profound as his knowledge of sub-atomic quantum physics. Tell ye lads that they are not so much as settling, but more building a storehouse for their booty and tae keep their spears from rustin overnight. They'll nae ken they are nae longer living in animal hide huts until much later. Brennus slowly nodded, and then gave her his trademark evil grin as he chuckled to himself. Aye lassie - I'll do just that. Ye always were the clever one of us two.
The Celt clan chiefs were all accustomed to hearing Brennus's strange ideas, and more accustomed to doubting them. Just last year they heard his brilliant idea of fitting out his warriors in short skirts instead of their traditional bear skins and leather trousers. We can call them 'kilts' he explained to his sceptical chiefs. They will strike terror into the hearts of our enemies, and we will master them in battle he continued. Aye, we will defeat them more easy one replied, As they roll aboot the field laughin their guts up we can lop off their heads wi' relative ease one replied, Ye've got tae be jokin Brennus, ye daft loon.
Nae, it will work, I tell ye Brennus shouted back. I seen it in a dream ! The great chieftain Mel Gibson were there ! An his army o' Celts in kilts, standing at the top of the hill overlooking the battlefield, turnin as one and bendin' over, liftin' their kilts at the enemy below. They ran in terror at the sight o' their tattooed backsi.... Brennus was drowned out by the gales of laughter that echoed around the meeting. More like it'll be our own lads that'll be overcome with shock if'n ye're there leadin' the display came the reply. Dinnae go there Brennus, I ken it aint' a pretty sight fer neither man nor beast alike!
But this time, however, the chiefs listened intently to his proposal. Brennus carefully explained further Our neighbours are building towns and cities of their own. They grow fat, and gods forbid they may even grow stronger! We cannae continue tae freely avail ourselves o' their gold and their cattle unless we grow stronger as well. The chiefs frowned, but nodded agreement. Brennus continued Our destiny, mae lads, is tae be masters o' all that we ken. But we have tae get wi the times! There'll still be blood aplenty, I promise ye, an' lootin an' pillaging enough tae satisfy even the worst o' ye. I swear tae the Gods that the name o Brennus Mac Brennus will strike terror in tae the hearts o all th kings o the world. Its jest that well also have comfortable beds an hot runnin water tae come home tae of an evenin. One by one, the clan chiefs gave their assent to Brennuss plan.
Thus King Brennus MacBrennus led his Celtic people to build a permanent settlement, and so to found his feared Celtic nation. We will build our homes just over there a little ways he declared to his gathered people, pointing one tile off in a vague north-north-westerly direction. Beside th two hills fer production, th lake fer commerce an th rich grasslands there when mined will serve us well. The keen-sighted of ye may perhaps ken some forest away in the distance Im nae sure aboot that. Och aye, that place will make our capital right powerful he explained. Not a single one of his people had the foggiest idea of what Brennus was talking about, but they were well accustomed to that. Besides, he certainly sounded convincing. A short march then backpacks doon, build some wee houses, an then we break out the whiskey mae lads he concluded.
.. to be continued.
Bye now.
Good luck to everyone- I'm off to discover the salinity of that body of water nearby!
