Important survival lessons from the movies

[Stefan Haertel]

Here are some rules I learned from extensive movie watching. If you want to live, follow them!

- Just to avoid looking stupid: If you figure out that the person you're shooting at is not harmed by the bullets of your gun, don't fire all your bullets at him. And, most importantly, don't throw your gun at him afterwards. (various "Superman" films)

- If it is dark and raining, you are trapped in a car, and a fifteen-metre high dinosaur is standing beside your car, don't turn on the flashlight, and for heaven's sake, don't point the light directly into his eye. ("Jurassic Park"-what else?)

- If you want to live a long life, please, don't go to the toilet. Virtually everyone who used a toilet in a film was killed sooner or later. ("Psycho", "Pulp Fiction" and many others)

- If you crash through a glass window, you will not be harmed. But a blade of a knife, or a pair of scissors that isn't longer than about 5 cm will kill you instantly. ("Universal Soldier", "Blade Runner", "Dial M For Murder" & some bad german TV film)

- If you're a bad guy and you're shot anywhere at your body, you will die immediately. If you're a good guy, you will have enough time for some last words, no matter how many bullets have gone through your body. (any action movie)

- If you see a Scotsman, run like hell! You do not want to know what he will do with you. If you can't run, and he makes a demand, fulfil it, without questioning it! Only chance of survival will be if you're a pretty French woman. Scotsmen are especially brutal towards Englishmen and Germans. ("Braveheart", "Highlander")

 

[WillJ]

Thanks for the tips! And here's another one:

-If you're standing around, doing nothing, then look up to see that something extremely heavy is coming down and is about to hit you, run away instead of staring at it. (too many movies to name)

 

[Dominix]

One that kinda bugs me all the time, see it a lot in cartoons.

-If you are trying to avoid something that is going to crash on you (ie a tree), don't run away in the direction the object is falling, just step sideways (or however far you need to go).

 

[CivCube]

- When the megalomaniac villain is telling you all his plans to kill you and rule the world, be sure to take notes.

- You're doomed if you're the fat, black, or Asian guy on any expedition/mission (just look at Star Wars or Jurassic Park).

 

[Stefan Haertel]

Two further ones:

- If you're part of a special task force of an elite unit on a special mission into a secret bunker, where an unknown gas has supposedly killed everybody, you encounter somebody, he doesn't answer to your calls, attacks you and isn't harmed by any bullets, don't stand around and wonder. It is a zombie. It is out to kill you. Run as fast as you can, or quickly develop a strategy to kill him. ("Resident Evil", but also some others)

- Don't make any plans for your future, especially if you're a soldier or policeman in action. The more plans you make for your future, the more likely it is that you're going to die very soon. ("Hunt For Red October" and many others, mainly action)

Keep 'em coming!

 

[Judge_Deadd]

- If a train is moving towards you, don't run away on the tracks, but step off the tracks. (Wille E. Coyote and Road Runner)

 

[RoddyVR]

- if you are fraimed by a secret organization or the government, never give the one tape/paper/disk that proves your inocence to a reporter, a coworker or a realy good friend. the friend will get killed, the reporter will accidentaly give whatever it is to the wrong people and the coworker will turn out to be in on it.

- if you're trying to jump over a ravine that is way to big for your feeble abilities to jump over, do NOT look down when you reach the midpoint.

 

[ETO_Peregrine]

-If you're a policeman, MP, security guard, or disposable bad guy and you see or hear something out of the ordinary, call every colleague you can and wait in a safe place until they arrive. Investigating strange sights or noises alone is a definate not-do.

-Automatic weapons were designed to make up for poor aim with lots of bullets. If you are alone in an abandoned structure and there is some fearsome creature set on consuming you, forget gun safety. If you suspect said creature is around, schelack the bugger if you don't want to be an alien treat.

-Forget the above if the background music is obviously tense and/or there has just been a scene of terrible violence. Then any noise or fleeting sight around you will be a random cat or a moron friend who is trying to get shot.

-Try screaming for help before the monster has you in its jaws.

-Humans can not outrun cars. Cars can not climb. Do the math.

-If you "kill" a really bad guy with one gunshot, unload the rest of the clip into his body and reload. Gives you peace of mind and one more bullet in the gun for next time.

-Nuke the place from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

 

[puglover]

- NEVER go into a train tunnel (many Wile E. Coyote cartoons)

- Don't hold more than 7 balloons at once or you'll soon be in orbit. (numerous comedies and cartoons)

- If you are a bad guy with a non-automatic weapon, don't shoot the good guy. You'll always miss. (Every action movie)

- In a tornado, grab something immediately. (Twister)

- Nazis get killed by bullets faster than Americans. (Any movie with a Nazi)

 

[napoleon526]

If you are a soldier fighting in a war, DO NOT tell your comrades about the girl you left back at home. DO NOT emphasize that once you get out of the army, you're going back home to marry that girl. If you are already married and have an infant son or daughter that you've never seen before, DO NOT show a picture of the child to your fellow soldiers.

If you perform any of these actions, you will be killed or fatally wounded by enemy fire within seconds.

 

[Judge_Deadd]

If you're on an icicle on high mountain, look around on the background. If one portion of icicle/rock is apparently divised from others, prepare for a long fall.

If you're climbing a high rope/walking through a high bridge and someone tells you not to look down, NEVER look down.

 

[Turner]

If you need to hack into a mainframe, network, or any alien technology, just grab an Apple Powerbook. It obviously is the superior machine for hacking into and communicating with alien technology.

Any virus will work on said system.

Helicopters that have been shot in the gas tank will loose enough fuel to make you land, and keep enough fuel for the spectacular explosion right after you land.

Cars doors are great for hiding behind during a shoot out.

If you're part of the away team, and you're wearing a red shirt, call in sick that day.

If a tornado is bearing down on your, any truck will outrun it. Or, if you're trying to get in front of it (Why!!?!?!) any truck will suffice.

 

[Stuck_as_a_Mac]

If you are suddenly running off a cliff, do not avert your gaze from anywhere but ahead. If you keep looking forewards, you will be able to run to wherever you need to go. If you look down, however, you will suddenly slow down and hear a "weeeeeooooooooo" noise and be plumeted downward, while waving bye-bye.

 

[Crowpocalyptic1]

If it is your day off, and your boss calls you in to work, DO NOT ACCEPT! Especially if you have a hockey game at 2. (Clerks)

If a woman challenges your libido in an elevator, make sweet sweet love to her right there. It'll work. (Mallrats)

Lesbians CAN fall in love with guys. (Chasing Amy)

If you're going to attack a demon, do so with an instrument of God. (Dogma)

If someone claims to be the 13th apostle, a muse, etc. BELIEVE them... it'll save you some time. (Dogma)

Never pleasure a nun orally for in exchange for hitching a ride. (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back)

 

[Alex the Great]

If your a cop NEVER say that your only one week, day, or hour away from retirement. You will get killed within a minute (anything with a policeman)

 

[Suppersalmon]

Never tell James Bond your plan otherwise he will break out and stop you

 

[napoleon526]

All nuclear bombs have their timers prominently displayed in a convienient location. Defusing the bomb requires only one step, like pushing a button or removing some integral part.

If you are trying to defuse a nuclear bomb, always wait until there's only 2 or 3 seconds left on the timer before stopping the bomb.

 

[Beserker]

If you hear strange noises, DO NOT go to investigate, call for help first or at least investigate with a gun. (Various horror books, e.g Goosbumps, Stephen King)

If you are the bad guy, and you have captured the good guy, just shoot the good guy! dont point the gun at him and not shoot or he will ruin all your plans. (james Bond, Austin Powers, and other similare things).

If you are the main guy, you always SOMEHOW live no matter how deadly the situation, (JAMES BOND and other spy movies)

 

[Gingerbread Man]

Cars will explode if they roll over, even if they land on their roof. Three gunshots is enough to incinerate a car.

However, any car will survive jumping bridges or dropping a storey.

They will never spin out. If you are the hero, your car can receive 100's of shots, but the driver will never get hit.

The same goes for air vents. I have not seen a single movie where a person hiding in the air vents gets killed.

 

[nihilistic]

A long time ago, somebody actually compiled a list of things you "should not" do if you become an Evil Overlord.