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WickedSmurf

WickedSmurf

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Got this from a Canadian friend... Whether it's true or not I dare not say... :D

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.


1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.


2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .


4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.


5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.


6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you Send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?


7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.


8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.


12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?


14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.


16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.


18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


19. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
 
That's great... I love countries with a sense of humor.
 
Originally posted by WickedSmurf
2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Click to expand...

:lol: This one is the best.

Another one I saw while taking a day trip to Banff is:

21. Q: How do you get your lakes so blue?
A:We drain them in the winter and paint the lakebed.
 
Originally posted by Al Zan
lol is some of the suff true?
Click to expand...

It could easily be true. Just watch Rick Mercer's "Talking to Americans" That show shows just how sad international knowledge of Canada is.
 
Here's a related piece, also from a website, on the Australian travel scene:

AUSTRALIAN TRAVEL ITINERARY

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour

You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter"

You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears"

You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo

You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays"

This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!

Your loyal employees.
Click to expand...
 
Top Ten things to know about tourism in India:
10. Do not drive on Indian roads, unless qualified medical examiner gives a certificate on your complete and total insanity. Lack of this certificate won't prevent you from driving, but will give us a good excuse not to imprive traffic situation.

9. Do not assume every well built male wearing a turban and a beard is a cab driver.

8. Visit India in summer when hell is a little too cool for your tastes.

7. Rear view shots of an elephant come best when photographer is standing 4-5 feet away from the elephant...that is how far an unexpected spurt of elephant dung can travel.

6. When hiring a taxi, flag him down, give precise instructions to place where you are travelling ( language does'nt matter), call family and friends, prepare a will, blindfold yourself, say a prayer to the Almighty and get in .

5. If you intend to travel in an autorickshaw, repeat above, but don't forget suicide note.

4. Curry is hot. Be sure to dip a straw or inflammable spoon first into curry before actually tasting it. If part of the straw or spoon does not come out, re-order instantly.

3. When visting marriages, refrain from kissing bride. You may find yourself at the recieving end of a shotgun or worse, an autorickshaw ride.

2. To men: When wearing a traditional dhoti, it will be unwise to attempt vigorous activies if you are not wearing proper underwear.

1. Poisonous snakes in India are not found everywhere, only in the deep jungles and in Parliament.
 
This is a list of advices for the average foreign tourist going to Germany (the sad thing is, I didn't make most of these up, these derive from things that have actually been told to me or I experienced myself):

1. Toasters exist in Germany, and you don't need to explain how they are used to a native.

2. The only places you will find an array of people in "traditional German dressing" is a tourist-orientated beer house in Munich

3. Bayreuth is not Beirut. It is perfectly safe to travel to Bayreuth.

4. Hitler is dead. His party has been disbanded for nearly sixty years.

5. The emperor/Kaiser is also dead. There is no new one.

6. Yes, the tiny cardboard boxes you occasionally see on roads are cars. They are called Trabis. They were built in former East Germany, which...

7. ...doesn't exist anymore.

8. If you are looking for the wall in front of the Brandenburg gate of which there is such a nice picture in your tourist guide, you'd better check the date of that guide. The wall was torn down nearly 15 years ago.

9. Not all Germans drive German cars.

10. Not all Germans drink German beer. In fact, some Germans don't drink beer at all.

11. You can say what you think. Germany is a western democracy.

12. The SS doesn't exist anymore. There is a normal police.

13. The towering mountains in the south are not the Himalayans. They are called the Alps.

14. You can talk about nazi Germany. You will never beat a native German talking about it. You can even do your imitation of Hitler in central Berlin if you want to. Nobody would care about it.

15. By the way, Hitlers first name was Adolf, not Adolph, and definately not Heil.

16. If you want to get photographed with your typical blonde, tall German, reassure yourself that he is not a Frenchman (this happened to a French pal of mine once). By the way, not all Germans are blonde and tall.

17. Germans have no problem with John Wayne being dubbed into German on TV. In fact, they prefer it to original English with German subtitles.

18. Yes, "Deutsch" is the German word for German.

19. There is a difference to "burg" and "berg", as well as there is a difference to "ie" and "ei". For example, you can't choose to write "Nuremberg" or "Nuremburg", and you can't choose to write "Einstein" or "Einstien".

20. Presenting swastikas in the public for non-educatorial purposes is forbidden. Just in case.

21. Oktoberfest starts in September.
 
To add to allhailIndia's list:

11. While driving and having to brake suddenly when cattle block the road, it is quite appropriate to exclaim, "Holy Cow!".
 
I go to Germany almost every year and I have never been in such a situation. But that doesn't mean others don't get into them...:lol:
Such things really make me wonder if people occasionally forget to pack their brains before going abroad. [No, I don't need my brain, I'm going abroad!][Oh sh*t, I forgot my brain!]

BTW, the Canadian ones were great too. I'll keep them in mind if I ever travel to Canada (especially the ones about the hippo show and the polar bears).

And the required smilies:
:lol::rotfl:
:lol::rotfl:
 
11. Do not be alarmed by animals on the roads; they often have better road sense than most humans.

12. For women: When attempting to wear a Sari, self help is not always the best help, if you want to avoid VERY embarassing situations.
 
That too, but you did'nt include, dogs, cats, buffaloes, goats, sheep, horses, donkeys, mules, elephants(most often with their mahouts),snakes( Yes, I have had to brake to let a spectacled cobra cross the road near my home) and sometimes, even politicians.
 
Originally posted by WickedSmurf
Got this from a Canadian friend... Whether it's true or not I dare not say... :D

8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Click to expand...


Those two are wonderful. And a lot of Americans likely wouldn't
get 8; 20 is a bit too close to the truth, but still funny.
 
Originally posted by allhailIndia
That too, but you did'nt include, dogs, cats, buffaloes, goats, sheep, horses, donkeys, mules, elephants(most often with their mahouts),snakes( Yes, I have had to brake to let a spectacled cobra cross the road near my home) and sometimes, even politicians.
Click to expand...
I was merely humbly asking that the contribution be counted as number 11 in your list :)
 
Stefan, is burg or berg correct then?
Click to expand...

Depends on the context. "Burg" means "castle" and can be found in many city names. "Berg" means "mountain" and can also be found in a number of city names. It depends on what the place is called.
 
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