G-Man
A One Man's War
What's the best one?
jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!
- Thread starter andyo
- Start date
GenghisK
...
No idea, I meant I laughed much more on many other jokes... 
Bose
Antipodean
Why did the man have a cabbage on the end of a leash?
He thought it was a collie
He thought it was a collie
smalltalk
monkey business
Why don't ants go to church?
Because they are in sects.
Because they are in sects.
Zcylen
Moonlight Rambler
very good one
Bose
Antipodean
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms
She had no arms
Bose
Antipodean
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a loaf of bread
The pilot was a loaf of bread
smalltalk
monkey business
Two statisticians board a plane from Paris to NY.
After on hour of flight, the captain annouces: 'One of our engines went out, but this no problem, the plane will fly easily with the remaining two engines. We only will need 12 hours instead of 8.'
Some time later, there is another annoucement: 'Our second engine just broke down, but the aircraft will fly with the remaining one. We only will need 20 hours instead of 12.'
Says one statistician to the other: 'Oh I hope the last engine won't brake, or else we will have to stay up here forever.'
After on hour of flight, the captain annouces: 'One of our engines went out, but this no problem, the plane will fly easily with the remaining two engines. We only will need 12 hours instead of 8.'
Some time later, there is another annoucement: 'Our second engine just broke down, but the aircraft will fly with the remaining one. We only will need 20 hours instead of 12.'
Says one statistician to the other: 'Oh I hope the last engine won't brake, or else we will have to stay up here forever.'
Bose
Antipodean
Why couldn't Brian ride his bike?
Brian was a fish
Brian was a fish
GerrardCapashen
Benalish Master-at-Arms
Bose, if you're not going to post jokes that make sense don't post at all.
Perfection
The Great Head.
Hey, I love that joke, goodjob bose 
Bose
Antipodean
Thanx perfection, at least someone has a sense of humour.
@GerrardCapashen, not everyone has the same sense of humour. Just cause you don't like those types of jokes, doesn't mean noone else does. At least i put something that resembles a joke on here. Stop spamming this thread.
What did one farmer say to the other farmer?
How's your farm
@GerrardCapashen, not everyone has the same sense of humour. Just cause you don't like those types of jokes, doesn't mean noone else does. At least i put something that resembles a joke on here. Stop spamming this thread.
What did one farmer say to the other farmer?
How's your farm
torrasque
COMMIE!
You know you're addicted to coffee when...
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an
earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.
-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-You channel surf faster without a remote.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-You short out motion detectors.
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
-You help your dog chase its tail.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
hookup.
-You ski uphill.
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You answer the door before people knock.
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an
earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.
-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
-People get dizzy just watching you.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
-You channel surf faster without a remote.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
-You short out motion detectors.
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
-You help your dog chase its tail.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
hookup.
-You ski uphill.
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
-You answer the door before people knock.
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Bose
Antipodean
Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a handful of nails on the bar and says to the bartender "Can you put me up for the night?"
nickmandler
L'utilisateur du site web
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one: A lawyer can screw anything!
Only one: A lawyer can screw anything!
GenghisK
...
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well..
Kiss your ass good-bye.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well..
Kiss your ass good-bye.
torrasque
COMMIE!
SOME COMMON COMPUTER ACRONYMS (and what they really mean)
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- DOS: Defective Operating System
- DOS-II: Same as above, but we tried to fix it and the new version doesn't work any better than the old one.
- BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- CD-ROM: Consumer Device--Rendered Obsolete in Months
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- WWW: World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
- LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- DOT-COM: Definitely Over Time--Completely Out of Money.
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- DOS: Defective Operating System
- DOS-II: Same as above, but we tried to fix it and the new version doesn't work any better than the old one.
- BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- CD-ROM: Consumer Device--Rendered Obsolete in Months
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- WWW: World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
- LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- DOT-COM: Definitely Over Time--Completely Out of Money.
Bose
Antipodean
What do you throw a Kiwi if he's drowning?
The rest of his family
The rest of his family
torrasque
COMMIE!
Whats the difference between an Aussie and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What's the worst thing about Australia?
It's above sea level
Four men (a Cuban, a Scot, a Kiwi and an Australian) were travelling across the Sahara Desert by train, and were discussing the various merits of their countries to pass the time.
The Cuban leaned back in his seat and took an enourmous Havana cigar from his shirt pocket, lit it, puffed on it once or twice, then threw it out the window.
'What are you doing, man!' cried the others. 'Havan cigars are the best in the world!'
The Cuban waved his hands disparagingly. 'This stuff is like s*** in my country,' he said. 'We have plenty of it.'
The Scot, not to be outdone, opened his suitcase and took out a bottle of Scotch, screwed off the lid, took two swigs and then threw it out the window.
'Hey!' the others cried. "What are you doing? That's the best whisky available!'
'Och,' the Scot replied, 'this? It's like s*** in my country - we have plenty of it.'
'Well,' thought the New Zealander, 'what am I going to do?' Then he picked up the Aussie and threw him out the window.
An Irishman built a long pier in the middle of the Nullarbor Plain - right slap bang in the middle of the desert. All the local people turned out to laugh at him.
'Only an Irishman would build a pier in the middle of the desert!' they jeered.
'Ah yes,' he replied, jingling the coins in his pocket and pointing to the figure sitting at the far end of the pier, 'but only an Australian would pay to be allowed to fish off the end of it!'
What do you call 500 Aussies at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
What do you have when an Aussie is up to his neck in concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Why was Jesus not born in Australia?
You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!
What do you call a field of Australians?
A vacant lot
An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander wew in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump.
The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, 'I'm doing this for my country...'
The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words.
Then the Kiwi ripped the parachute off the Aussie, pushed him out the plane and cried, 'I'm doing this for my country...'
The Aussie was woken by the phone ringing in the middle of the night, so he got out of bed to answer it.
'Hello?' said the caller. 'Is this seven-five-double-two-double-two?'
'No,' said the Aussie, 'this is seven-five-two-two-two-two.'
'Oh. Sorry to have disturbed you,' said the caller.
'That's OK,' he said. 'I had to get up anyway. The phone was ringing.'
How do you define 144 Aussies?
Gross stupidity.
Three men had been sentenced to death by guillotine while travelling through a very religious country.
The first man placed his head on the block, the blade came crashing down - and stopped halfway.
'Praise be to Allah!' cried the watching crowd. 'The man is blessed, he is not to die!'
The second man placed his head on the block - and the same thing happened. The blade stuck halfway, and the crowd demanded his freedom.
The third man was an Aussie. As he placed his head on the block, he looked up and noticed that the blade was catching on a rusty bolt.
'Hey,' he said. 'Your problem's right there!'
Did you know the New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries?
Be warned! There are more where these come from!
(This is in response to the unprovoked attack on my country by Bose. You can replace Kiwi and New Zealander with, say Canadian, and Aussie and Australia with, I don't know, maybe Yank and American if you want. It isn't really too hard to customise these - even an Aussie should manage to do it after a few days of thought!)
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
What's the worst thing about Australia?
It's above sea level
Four men (a Cuban, a Scot, a Kiwi and an Australian) were travelling across the Sahara Desert by train, and were discussing the various merits of their countries to pass the time.
The Cuban leaned back in his seat and took an enourmous Havana cigar from his shirt pocket, lit it, puffed on it once or twice, then threw it out the window.
'What are you doing, man!' cried the others. 'Havan cigars are the best in the world!'
The Cuban waved his hands disparagingly. 'This stuff is like s*** in my country,' he said. 'We have plenty of it.'
The Scot, not to be outdone, opened his suitcase and took out a bottle of Scotch, screwed off the lid, took two swigs and then threw it out the window.
'Hey!' the others cried. "What are you doing? That's the best whisky available!'
'Och,' the Scot replied, 'this? It's like s*** in my country - we have plenty of it.'
'Well,' thought the New Zealander, 'what am I going to do?' Then he picked up the Aussie and threw him out the window.
An Irishman built a long pier in the middle of the Nullarbor Plain - right slap bang in the middle of the desert. All the local people turned out to laugh at him.
'Only an Irishman would build a pier in the middle of the desert!' they jeered.
'Ah yes,' he replied, jingling the coins in his pocket and pointing to the figure sitting at the far end of the pier, 'but only an Australian would pay to be allowed to fish off the end of it!'
What do you call 500 Aussies at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
What do you have when an Aussie is up to his neck in concrete?
Not enough concrete.
Why was Jesus not born in Australia?
You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!
What do you call a field of Australians?
A vacant lot
An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander wew in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump.
The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, 'I'm doing this for my country...'
The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words.
Then the Kiwi ripped the parachute off the Aussie, pushed him out the plane and cried, 'I'm doing this for my country...'
The Aussie was woken by the phone ringing in the middle of the night, so he got out of bed to answer it.
'Hello?' said the caller. 'Is this seven-five-double-two-double-two?'
'No,' said the Aussie, 'this is seven-five-two-two-two-two.'
'Oh. Sorry to have disturbed you,' said the caller.
'That's OK,' he said. 'I had to get up anyway. The phone was ringing.'
How do you define 144 Aussies?
Gross stupidity.
Three men had been sentenced to death by guillotine while travelling through a very religious country.
The first man placed his head on the block, the blade came crashing down - and stopped halfway.
'Praise be to Allah!' cried the watching crowd. 'The man is blessed, he is not to die!'
The second man placed his head on the block - and the same thing happened. The blade stuck halfway, and the crowd demanded his freedom.
The third man was an Aussie. As he placed his head on the block, he looked up and noticed that the blade was catching on a rusty bolt.
'Hey,' he said. 'Your problem's right there!'
Did you know the New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries?
Be warned! There are more where these come from!
(This is in response to the unprovoked attack on my country by Bose. You can replace Kiwi and New Zealander with, say Canadian, and Aussie and Australia with, I don't know, maybe Yank and American if you want. It isn't really too hard to customise these - even an Aussie should manage to do it after a few days of thought!)
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