jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
 
The Pope is walking in the Vatican gardens when he bumps into God. God apologises for trespassing, and agrees to answer three questions.

"Lord, will the Church ever find unity with the Protestants?"
"Not in your lifetime, my son."

"Lord, will the Church ever permit female priests?"
"Not in your lifetime, my son."

"And Lord, will there be another Polish Pope?"
"Not in my lifetime, my son!"

***************************************************

The Archbishop of Canterbury is driving in the fog on a narrow country road, when he crashes into another car driven by the Chief Rabbi. The two clergymen step shakily out of their cars and stagger towards one another. When they recognise one another, the Chief Rabbi reaches into his pocket and takes out a flask.

"Here," he says, "Have a drink of brandy to settle your nerves. Gratefully, the Archbishop takes a deep drink and hands back the flask. To his surprise, the Rabbi puts it back in his pocket.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" asks the Archbishop.

"No," replies the Rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after we've reported the accident to the police."

****************************************************

A house was on fire, and a woman who had been in the shower staggered out onto the street before collapsing from the effects of the smoke. She is lying naked on her back on the pavement, and a passing motorcyclist thinks it is shameful that she is exposed where anyone can see her. Unfortunately all he has available to cover her is his helmet, so he places it over her crotch to give her a little bit of modesty.

A few minutes later, the fire brigade arrives. They are about to start putting out the fire when the chief spots the woman.

"The fire can wait," he calls to his men. "Someone for pity's sake get that cop out of there first!"

****************************************************

Finally, if you're easily offended don't read this one:


What's red and sits in the corner?


A blind man reading the cheesegrater.
 
A man walks into a bar with a large, grotesque frog on the top of his head.
The barman says "Yack!! where on earth did you get that?"
To which the frog replies "Would you believe it started out as a wart on my bum?!!"
 
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various
brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each
day's conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we
make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters,
mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew
the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all -
gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Becks, ze real King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please".

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement
written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness,
Paddy?" Paddy replies "Well, if you f***'n pansies aren't drinkin',
then neither am I".
 
Q: Why isn't Jesus an Italian?

A: They couldn't find two wise men and a virgin in Italy!

No offense to the Italians here. The joke can really be applied to any race...:mischief:
 
@cgannon: When I was stationed in southern Italy, they told this one on themselves:

Q: How do you know Jesus is from southern Italy?

A: Because he didn't leave home until he was 30, and he believed his mother was a virgin.

(I don't mean to offend Italians either. But they told me the joke! ;) )
 
Copy-paste :)


WHAT KIND OF SEX DO YOU HAVE?



SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
 
A little CFC humor.

Q. Why did the CFC member get a different lunch?

A. Because the Moder-Ate-Her's
 
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
 
Here's one my brother just sent me:

The U.N. Secretary General privately asked Secretary of State Colin Powell,

"What real proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"



Powell whispered, "We kept the receipts."
 
Originally posted by Turner_727
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

I heard a similer one but not a plane but a rollercoaster.
 
you want to see differents positions of sex?
:evil:

scroll down




























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Washington, DC. February 14, 2003

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of
President Bush.

Both of his books have been lost. The president is
devastated, for he had not finished coloring the second one.
 
Hi, I'm AoA's Avatar... ;)

--\./ \./
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The Commander called down to Motor Maintenance.

A sleepy voice answered, "Hullo."

The Commander said, "How many vehicles in the motor pool?"

The sleepy voice said, "Hold on."

After a few minutes, he came back on and said, "There's 7 Fords, 3 Chevys, and 2 Front-line pool cars for the fat-ass exempts."

The Commander was upset by this and said, "Do you know who this is?"

Sleepy voice said, "No."

The Commander said, "This is The Commander!"

Dead silence for about 5 seconds.

Then the sleepy voice asked, "Do you know who this is?"

The Commander says, "No."

Sleepy voice replies, "Goodbye, Fat-ass!!"
 
Indians

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collectfirewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
 
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