jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

[GenghisK]

Reasons Why It Is So Great
To Be A GUY!!

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.



You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.

You can kill your own food.



Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.



You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours
without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.



You almost never have strap problems in public.

Wrinkles are non-existent in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

 

[Bifrost]

NASA vs Russia


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

 

[G-Man]

Originally posted by Bifrost
NASA vs Russia

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Wouldn't using pencils in space cause pieces of lead to fly around, and the astronauts might inhale them? I don't know about Russia, but in the US NASA would probably be forced to pay much more than $12 million to astronauts that'll get cancer from breathing lead...

 

[Bose]

Ha ha Torrasque, very good! Keep em' coming!

The bit about throwing the Aussie out of the boat... very rich! We have more Kiwis here than there arew over there!

Watch this spot for my reply...

 

[Bose]

Kiwi Bob was sitting at the bar at the Coogee Bay Hotel in Sydney (like every other bloody Kiwi does) when this gay bloke walks in and turns to Kiwi Bob and says "Do you want a headjob gorgeous?".
When he hears this, Kiwi Bob gets up, grabs the gay bloke by the head, and throws him into the wall, knocking him out.
The bartender asks "I've never seen you react like that Kiwi Bob, what did he say that was so bad?"
"Dunno, something about a job"

 

[Bose]

(similar to an earlier post)

A Kiwi glamour (good looking chick), an Aussie glamour, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy all jumped off a cliff at the same time. Who hit the ground first?

The Aussie glamour... the other three are ficticious characters

 

[GenghisK]

What is 13 inches and is white?

Nothing. If it's 13 inches then it's black...

 

[Bose]

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Lefty Scaevola]

Cursed_wolf banned (after prior warning) for explict language.

 

[Bose]

How bad are these jokes allowed to get LS?

Here's an oldie...

What's the difference between Courtney Love & Wayne Gretzky?

At least Gretzky has a shower after 3 periods

 

[History_Buff]

Originally posted by G-Man


Wouldn't using pencils in space cause pieces of lead to fly around, and the astronauts might inhale them? I don't know about Russia, but in the US NASA would probably be forced to pay much more than $12 million to astronauts that'll get cancer from breathing lead...

Pencils use graphite

Two blondes are walking through the forest, and they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says:

"wow, those are deer tracks. But I hear they are pretty common."

The second blonde replies: "No you idiot! those are moose tracks. Those are too big to be deer tracks!"

(Scroll down for punch line)



























then they got hit by a train

 

[Bose]

A pair of jumper-leads walk into a bar, the bar tender looks at them and says "Don't start anything"

 

[GenghisK]

Actual Car Accident Statements
The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

Here are some examples .......

Woman Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.
Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.
Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the otherside of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

 

[GenghisK]

The following is a list of recently discovered new computer viruses:
The AL GORE virus
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
The CLINTON virus
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
The BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
The LEWINSKY virus
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
The RONALD REAGAN virus
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
The MIKE TYSON virus
(Quits after two bytes)
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus
(Deletes all old files)
The ELLEN DEGENERES virus
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
The PROZAC virus
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus
(Only attacks minor files)
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files and leaves, but will be back)
The LORENA BOBBITT virus
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

 

[xerxes_thegreat]

This guy has a gorilla in a tree in his backyard, so he calls animal control.

“Listen, there’s a gorilla in a tree in my back yard! Can you help me?”

“Okay, here’s the plan. We’re going to need a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. I’m going to climb up in the tree. Then, I’ll poke the gorilla with the stick, causing it to lose its balance and fall out of the tree.

Now this Chihuahua is trained to attack anything that falls to the ground, heading specifically for the crotch. That gorilla will naturally protect itself by crossing its arms over that region. That’s when you slap on the cuffs.”

“All right, sounds good, but one more thing; why do we need the shotgun?”

“That’s in case I fall out of the tree, you shoot the d*** Chihuahua.”

 

[Alex the Great]

If you are easily offended do not read any more.

A nun is walking down the street at night with a drunk guy coming towards her. A scuffel insues and the nun is beaten on the ground. The drunk says: "Not so tough tonight, aye Batman?"

 

[Bose]

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar, to which the bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

[Bose]

As of Wednesday, 19th March, all K-Marts in Iraq will permanently close. They will all become Targets.

 

[De Lorimier]

Good one Alex

 

[G-Man]

Originally posted by History_Buff
Pencils use graphite

Why did I say lead really? Probably because they're similar words in hebrew.