Have you heard about the dinner speaker who was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth?
"Oh, no" he said, turning to the man next to him, "I forgot my teeth."
"Don't worry," the man replied, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pair of false teeth, "Try these."
The speaker tried them. "They're too loose," he said.
"Here, I have another pair - try these."
"Too tight," the speaker said after trying them out.
The hospitable man was not taken back at all.
"Well, I have one more pair-why don't you try them?"
"Why, these fit perfectly," The speaker said, with much relief.
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to talk with the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:
"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.
Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Finally he got to the food.
"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."
And then he paused.
The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.
Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quite rest.
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.
So my sister's friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
Do you know what a woman is called who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
She's called a widow!
My minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However," he said, "If you're over 65 the price will only be $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice spoke up...
"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
Did you hear about the man who was looking for a job? He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days.
He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla.
They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree.
That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts.
"Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door.
He panicked. There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!"
The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, "Will you be quiet! You're going to get both of us fired!"
Have you heard the story about the new Colonel?
Having just moved into his new office (and feeling quite proud about it), the new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
"Oh, no" he said, turning to the man next to him, "I forgot my teeth."
"Don't worry," the man replied, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pair of false teeth, "Try these."
The speaker tried them. "They're too loose," he said.
"Here, I have another pair - try these."
"Too tight," the speaker said after trying them out.
The hospitable man was not taken back at all.
"Well, I have one more pair-why don't you try them?"
"Why, these fit perfectly," The speaker said, with much relief.
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to talk with the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:
"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.
Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Finally he got to the food.
"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."
And then he paused.
The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.
Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quite rest.
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.
So my sister's friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
Do you know what a woman is called who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
She's called a widow!
My minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However," he said, "If you're over 65 the price will only be $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice spoke up...
"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
Did you hear about the man who was looking for a job? He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days.
He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla.
They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree.
That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts.
"Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door.
He panicked. There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!"
The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, "Will you be quiet! You're going to get both of us fired!"
Have you heard the story about the new Colonel?
Having just moved into his new office (and feeling quite proud about it), the new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
..oh i mean..
