My trip to Guangzhou, China

[LesCanadiens]

If you saw someone standing in the middle of railroad tracks with a train speeding towards him at 200 km/h, wouldn't you, at least, shout at him "HEY! GET OUT OF THE WAY! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE KILLED!" even if he wasn't your friend?

I'll take a step back for now, and all I'll say is this: a lot of the characteristics of your relationship, Bamspeedy, bear the hallmarks of a marriage scam. You'd do yourself well by taking a step back from the whole thing, and even calling it off. I know you're frustrated at all the failed relationships you've had, and you just want something to work out for once, but this isn't it. I'm certain that you're going to come out of this in terrible shape emotionally and financially. If you really want to marry this woman, you need to move to China for a year or two, and have a real relationship with her, and stop shopping through what amounts to a mail order bride catalogue. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither can your marriage be. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's frank, honest advice. I don't believe in having absolutely no judgement on personal behaviours; when someone is doing something self-destructive, I will tell them as such.

 

[Merkinball]

Who said I had 'physical contact' with her? By this I assume you mean sex, right? Is it a sin to give her a back massage and for her to clip my fingernails (which I didn't ask her to do and kind of annoyed me), or to hold hands, hug and kiss? - BamSpeedy

No, by phsyical contact, I didn't even the simplest of physical embraces. I simply meant, physically being in the same spot as someone. Sitting face to face. Seeing her actually smile. Learning about her smells and idiosynchrosies. Actual human communication.

I can only guess that you assumed this because I said we found we were compatible. - BamSpeedy

No, not at all. In fact, I think the idea that you believe you can conclusively know that you are compatible through internet conversation, and a few days in China, is incredibly naive. These are the types of things that 14 year olds believe. They go out on four dates and hold hands in the hallway at school and believe they are compatatible. This isn't the type of rhetoric that comes out of full grown adults. I mean, I'll be honest, when I met Miss Merkinball, I honestly believed that I was 100% meant to have found her. But after knowing her almost THREE YEARS now, there are still doubts about compatibility that exist between us. You are dealing with someone from a far different culture, and bringing her to America, and assuming that nothing will change, let alone that you actually think you know her. I gaurantee you, there will be something about her that will just tick you off. That's human beings are. And you're just pretending like those things don't even exist. It's remarkable.

I knew the process would take awhile, and that would add to the amount of time I have known her before she steps on American soil. But I realize now that as far as ICE is concerned they will only be considering the time from when I met her to the time I started the process. - BamSpeedy

This is absolutely not true. Because as the process drags on, and on, and on. They will continue to check up and make sure the relationship is continuing. I have a strong feeling (if they don't just immediately reject you for obvious reasons) that this is how they will bone you. You will be here, she will be there, you'll have internet conversation as your only proof of continuing relationship, no pictures of you together, and they will say, "I'm sorry, but we need better evidence that relationship is still ongoing."

 

[ohcrapitsnico]

I can't see the love between two people who don't speak the same language. In all seriousness Bamspeedy, do you really want to marry her? Is she really worth the hassle? What is so special about her?

Frankly if it all works out, it will be the cultural difference that prevents this from being a happy marriage.

Let me give you my experience in this category. When I was young my mom took me over to the states because she met an american who she loved in university. Well both of us got citizenship and several years later they divorced. Frankly neither spent enough time to learn to live with each other even though they knew each other for several years. They were opposites and learned to hate each other. Please Bamspeedy spend at least 2 years living with her before you bring her to the states.

 

[Shaihulud]

I do know of a few acquaintances who married Chinese brides, under similar circumstances and as quickly. One even decided to shift his family to China instead, they are mostly happily married for many years so i don't find it utterly unbelievable. Of course China is replete with stories of women who scam their husbands, heh! We call them little Dragon girls, but usually the operation is smoother and the girl prettier. I wish Bamspeedy goodluck with his decision, whatever they may be.

 

[sirdanilot]

Let's look at this through a different prism. Yes, it is nice to wellwish Bamspeedy, and hope that they have many years together. Make no mistake about it, Les and I would love to see it happen.

The problem though, is that there are lofty goals here. And it's just...very large odds against it all going well.

Even if that is so, what do you have to do with it?

Tell me, sirdanilot. What about your own personal friends. In real life. If they were in this scenario, what would you tell them? If you were doing something like this, would you simply expect them to wellwish for you?

If this was one of my friends, and believe me, I delt with lots of irrational guys overseas who did this, I would tell it to them like it is. A brief relationship is not love. Let alone worthy of marraige. Such instances achieve success at astronomically low numbers. So...why aimlessly wellwish?

It's good to give him advice, but not in this way. You should always keep a certain degree of distance and objectivity, especially as this is just the internet. You can make him aware of the risks, but what Lescanadien was doing went way too far. Bamspeedy is fully capable of deciding himself if his relationship is ready for a marriage or not.

Myself, if I do something stupid, or irrational. If I make a life changing decision that poses a serious threat to my wellbeing, I do not expect the loved ones in my life, or my close friends, to just wellwish my irrational decisions because I'm a friend, or a relative. I don't expect them to be PC about it, because "it's his life, not mine, we have no business judging."

It's my humble opinion, that this sort of thought is utterly destructive the human fabric. To sit on the sidelines, while people make irrational decisions that have a propensity to wreck lives. To sit on the sidelines and watch people self-destruct, for whatever reason. That's just abhorrently wrong in my opinion.

It would be wrong for me to sit here, knowing what one of my best friends went through, and sit here and allow BamSpeedy to live in some surrealistic fantasy where he is instantly granted a visa for his lover. The same goes with Les. Why should he sit here, and wellwish like everyone else. I mean, in my opinion, it's like turning a blind eye to reality. And to what end? To make BamSpeedy feel good, and more confident about the irrational decision that he's made? To...on a Wal*Mart salary, fly to China and meet some chick that he's never met before, and commit to MARRYING HER after just a few short days.

If I did such a thing, I would wholeheartedly expect to recieve criticism for those decisions. I wouldn't expect my mom, my dad, my sisters, or my friends to assume a posture that would allow me to ignore potential negative consequences and DESTROY MY LIFE!

It's called tough love. And the world needs a lot more of it, and less of a "it's his life, let him do what he wants and encourage him" sort of attitude.

Okay, but you already made your point to him that you think it's not wise to marry her. But after you made your point, you forgot to stop. Especially lescanadien took it way too far.

 

[LesCanadiens]

How exactly did I take it too far?

 

[Bamspeedy]

One last response to Les in this thread....

How exactly did I take it too far?

Go back and look at your posts that you got warnings for.

It's one thing to say that there are warning signs of her showing signs of having a green card motive, but you took it much farther than that by acting like you know what she has done for a living in her past. And the only thing I've seen you say that is a warning sign about her past, rather than a green card motive, is her age.

If there are more warning signs you haven't mentioned yet that points towards your 'theory' about her past, send me a PM if you really feel you need me to know about it. Any more talk about that in this thread will probably be reported.

I made the mistake of revealing too much personal info about her already (like why she divorced), that I am not saying anymore info about her in this thread.

 

[Winner]

Just out of curiosity, Bamspeedy, why China? I mean, why didn't you look for a girlfriend in the US?

Don't answer if it's too personal.

 

[sourboy]

Just out of curiosity, Bamspeedy, why China? I mean, why didn't you look for a girlfriend in the US?

Don't answer if it's too personal.

I second this. I also wonder why seek someone who doesn't even speak English (yes, I read she's taking classes, but let's face it -- relationships are hard enough as it is, why add the obstacles of distance, foreign living, and language into the mix)?

 

[Bamspeedy]

I'm 32, you don't think I've tried the US yet? Yeah, I won't argue with you if you say it is too early to give up on the US entirely...

It's not just my past relationships, it is also the many other ones I've seen happen to my friends.

I love the US, but I don't like the dating scene in the US. Just "Hanging out together" now means having sex to more and more people. One joke I've heard that seems to be becoming more and more realistic is that a woman will have oral sex with a guy before she decides if she likes him enough to make him her boyfriend. Too many of them are smoking pot, messing around with their pot buddies or dealers.

People here will too often change relationships over relatively minor things, like they found someone else who is just a little bit funnier, or just a little bit richer, is in just a little bit better shape, etc.

I don't give too much importance to appearances, but obesity (a few pounds overweight doesn't bother me) is a huge turnoff and I won't even consider it. If I fall in love with a woman and THEN she gains alot of weight it will be different, but I just can't get a relationship started if they are that big.

American women that aren't obese, and haven't 'been around the block' several times, materialistic, dumb potheads or religious fanatics either won't consider me (usually just by looking at my picture and think "he is too skinny", and yes I have tried to gain weight), are out of my league to begin with, really ugly, or have 5 kids or something.

Someone posted a link that suggests using a private detective when marrying a foreigner... American women need it just as often. I already knew the trick of coming home early from work and used it on an American woman and caught her.

Sites like Yahoo personals and others are loaded with people who are looking for 'a good time' instead of real marriage (despite what they may say in their profile). Before meeting someone on a dating site in the US, check out the adult dating sites that are designed just for people to meet and have sex and see if they are also on that site. Check out multiple sites and see if the person is also on them and if they give completely different personality profile on those sites.

Sites like eharmony that do personality tests tell me I have no matches. My ex told me "Well that's because everyone is lying, you gotta lie a little bit, just like everyone else is doing". No thanks, that's not my style when it comes to finding a partner.

Quote from an anonymous poster-
"They're also far more honest and dependable wives and there's never a shortage of conversation as you describe your culture to the other."

To an extent, everyone is the same everywhere, so there is no guarantees in anything, whether I find a girl in China, the US or any other country. I am quite aware of this.

To make everyone feel a little better (and for my family and friends to feel better about it too, even though after the initial worries they have been far more supportive about it), I am not starting the marriage process until I go to see her at least one more time. I'm going to call her more often (anyone have any experiences with Pennytalk or any of those other phone plans?)

 

[Masquerouge]

I'm going to call her more often (anyone have any experiences with Pennytalk or any of those other phone plans?)

If she has access to a computer and the internet, the best would probably be skype, or any other VOIP services.

If she does not, I think you'd still be paying a lot less using Skype on your end and calling her landline or cell phone (same price) with it. Hard to beat $ 0.024 a minute.
http://www.skype.com/intl/en/prices/callrates/#listing-C

 

[amadeus]

"They're also far more honest and dependable wives and there's never a shortage of conversation as you describe your culture to the other."

Hah!

It's funny the first couple of times, but when you have to explain everything, it gets incredibly tedious.

 

[sourboy]

Well, good luck. At least you're thinking it thru.

 

[The Yankee]

The talk of the possible risks have been beaten to a bloody pulp already and there really isn't anything more to add to it other than more bitter arguing, so I won't even try to manage that minefield.

But, hopefully Bamspeedy will gain something very valuable for his life to share with another. And if things don't work out for whatever the reason, at least he had what seems like a great experience during his time over there. All the best!

 

[Ansar]

Bamspeedy, are you learning Mandarin?

 

[Bamspeedy]

Bamspeedy, are you learning Mandarin?

Only a little bit. She taught me a couple phrases. My neighbor's son knows it and is going to teach in China next summer, so maybe he can teach me some more before he leaves.

 

[Oerdin]

I wish him luck and hope the homely Chinese chick makes him happy. Now, if she does turn out to be money grubbing scam artist I hope he has the balls to post a thread here about it.

 

[plarq]

I guess he should learn Cantonese instead.

 

[Winner]

I'm 32, you don't think I've tried the US yet? Yeah, I won't argue with you if you say it is too early to give up on the US entirely...

It's not just my past relationships, it is also the many other ones I've seen happen to my friends.

I love the US, but I don't like the dating scene in the US. Just "Hanging out together" now means having sex to more and more people. One joke I've heard that seems to be becoming more and more realistic is that a woman will have oral sex with a guy before she decides if she likes him enough to make him her boyfriend. Too many of them are smoking pot, messing around with their pot buddies or dealers.

People here will too often change relationships over relatively minor things, like they found someone else who is just a little bit funnier, or just a little bit richer, is in just a little bit better shape, etc.

I don't give too much importance to appearances, but obesity (a few pounds overweight doesn't bother me) is a huge turnoff and I won't even consider it. If I fall in love with a woman and THEN she gains alot of weight it will be different, but I just can't get a relationship started if they are that big.

American women that aren't obese, and haven't 'been around the block' several times, materialistic, dumb potheads or religious fanatics either won't consider me (usually just by looking at my picture and think "he is too skinny", and yes I have tried to gain weight), are out of my league to begin with, really ugly, or have 5 kids or something.

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. I think I understand your motivation now and I can't say I disagree.

I just admire the courage to take such risk. I wish you good luck.

 

[plarq]

Obstacle Listed:

1.Language. She can't speak English well, which should be a big problem if she wants to work in US. One year or two is the limit for her to improve English.
2.Green Card. It is very important for her to get a green card, or at least a visa.
3.Long-term relationship. It should be clear that a woman like her won't look for other "better" men and leave you when she finally lands in US. That means both of you are more or less "adequate" in social/economic/career status.