Television Quotes

[MrPresident]

A shockingly original idea, you post quotes that you find funny. However instead of coming from movies they should come from television shows. I'll start with a NewsRadio one:

Dave: I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does.
Bill: A complaint about the complaint box, delicious.
[Reading cards from the complaint box.]
Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe: Hey!
Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave: Oh. Refrigem---oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT!
Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

 

[Cunobelin]

"No, no dig up stupid"

"Mmmm thats good adultery"

 

[MrPresident]

West Wing:

"Why are you a Republican?"
"I hate poor people."

Leo: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong. ...You're spelling his name wrong. ...What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive missle strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
C.J.: Leo!
Leo: They hang up on me every time!

Josh: Where are you going?
Bartlet: A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?
Josh: Fishing tackle?
Bartlet: Funny boy.

Leo: How are you doing Ainsley?
Ainsley Hayes: [nervous to meet president] I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
Leo: Ok, well, now I am too.
Ainsley Hayes: Can I use your bathroom?
Leo: Sure
(she goes into the closet instead)
President: Where is she?
Sam: In the closet
President: Come on out Ainsley...what were you doing in the closet?
Ainsley Hayes: I had to pee
President: They wont let me smoke inside, but you can pee in Leo's closet!