The lamest jokes you can think of....... II

[Uncle Sparky]

Always carry a knife with you... you never know when a cake might attack you!

 

[Uncle Sparky]

If seagulls fly over seas, what flies over bays?
Bagels.

I've noticed cooked meat jokes are rare around here...

 

[Arakhor]

Do you hear about the dolphin who died penniless? It was given a porpoise funeral.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Guns don't kill people, giant props of guns kill people. #MarilynManson

 

[Arakhor]

Did you hear about the spy film set in an optician's store? It's called For Four Eyes Only.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Hedgehogs - Why don't they share the hedge?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Do you realize one half of Canada is 'a', eh?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

And in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints on the beach. I asked the Lord, "Why?", and He replied that sand people walk single file to hide their numbers.... it really wasn’t the answer I was looking for.....

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Midwife jokes - where the punch line is less important than the delivery...

 

[Lexicus]

 

[shadowplay]

I had a life changing experience, but then I had another one and it changed back.

 

[Arakhor]

There was once an umpire so brutal even his wife and children would not go near him. When he wanted his son to sit on his knee to pose for a photo, the child ran away.

Let this be a cautionary tale that the son never sets on the brutish umpire.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

My dad died last year when our family couldn't remember his blood type for an emergency transfusion.
He kept saying, "Be positive", but it's been difficult without him.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I went to a tea shop today. The server handed me a cup of hot water and a tea bag. I asked her to bring me a proper pot of tea. She said that will be $30 extra... I said that's a steep price.

I was told the fancy French restaurant had a "No shoes, no service" policy... so I brought two cabbages with me.

 

[Arakhor]

A fishmonger was so popular in his local town, that when he died, even the fish were gutted.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I bought tickets this afternoon for a weekend performance of Handel's X-mas oratorio... I thought maybe I was name dropping a bit when I told the box office staff, "I'm here to pick up two tickets for The Messiah."

 

[Uncle Sparky]

What is a dinosaur's least favourite reindeer?
Comet!









Too soon?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

The local police were at a daycare today where a three year old was resisting a rest. They also suspect they witnessed a kid napping.

 

[GoodSarmatian]

I was sued for sexual harassment. I asked my lawyer if she can get me off.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

To close off this thread...

Donald Trump, a blue-collar worker and an immigrant are sitting at a table with 20 cookies on it.
The Donald takes 19 cookies and sais to the worker, "Look out for the immigrant - he wants to take your cookie!"