The lamest jokes you can think of....... II

[Uncle Sparky]

Why is it you can tune a piano, but you cannot tuna fish?

 

[GoodSarmatian]

The obstetrician's wife found out about his affair with his assistant. Now he's having a midwife crisis.

 

[GoodSarmatian]

The Yalta Conference was supposed to last only two hours, but the Soviet representative was stalling.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

A kid was flying in a plane, sitting in a seat behind his parents who were asleep. Next to him sat an older man.
The kid was on his phone and was eating a chocolate bar, then another, and one more...
The old man said, "Do you know eating so much chocolate is bad for your health?"
To which the kid replied: "...and did you know my grandad lived over 100 years?"
"Why? Is it because he ate so much chocolate?"
"No, because he minded his own <snip> business"

Moderator Action: Infractible language removed. ~ Arakhor
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Well, to be frank

Spoiler :

...I'd have to change my name.

 

[PhroX]

On a similar note....

Ted finds an old lamp, rubs it, and, as is customary, out pops a genie.
Genie: I am the genie of the lamp, for freeing me, I shall grant you two wishes
Ted: Great, I wanna be rich.
Genie: Your wish is granted, what is your second wish.
Rich: Can you give me loads of money?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD... apparently I have Gary Busey.

 

[Ziggy Stardust]

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I like my women like I like my moon... obscured within mist and worshipped by wolves.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I have a German friend that is a roadie for a band... I have a Czech one too... Czech one too... Czech one...

 

[Danai Gurira]

Why was the stadium so cold? Because there were a lot of fans.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Every year, hundreds of children are sent to mime schools... and are never heard from again.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for all ground crew to be dressed as apes to greet returning space shuttles.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

From Facebook: "Do not accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked."

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "Did you know you have 5 penguins in your back seat?"
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - you should take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.

A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing? I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"

 

[shadowplay]

What kind of dress does an envelope wear? An address.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Every time a Trump staffer quits or is fired, Oompa Loompas should appear and sing a song about consequences of bad behavior...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I try to get my exercise while I sleep... it's called 'active dreaming'.

 

[Ferocitus]

When I asked the librarian where I could find books about paranoia, she said,
"They're right behind you."