Things I learned about the science of warfare through Civilization IV

[NoPeace]

In Civ IV, ancient tribal villagers know more about the open sea than the civilized people do.

 

[EsaKo]

I'm sorry if this has been already mentioned (I haven't read the whole thread because I'm busy at the moment):

Settlers, workers, missionaries, corporate executives, great people, scouts, explorers, cavalry, tanks, mechanized infantry units and for some reason, French musketeers and Zulu spearmen, are loaded on trains that go twice as fast as the standard model used.

Indian workers have their own set of trains, three times as fast than the regular ones. They may occasionally let another unit board if the other group includes a great general cheering them up.

Gunships, instead of flying, prefer using trains that are incredibly four times as fast than the standard model but reserved for them only. Amiable great generals kick in here as well, as they may arrange an experimental supertrain, five times faster, to a single gunship.

All trains however share a few peculiar traits. They are invisible, feature shrinking and resizing beam for transporting next-to-infinite amount of troops at the same time, and create a holographic projection of natural size ("natural" meaning gigantic here) of the passengers running.

Of course the trains have an added feature of making additional metals appear at the mines and better-quality wood at lumbermills. If you think that's weird, let me tell you they do stranger things all the time.

 

[NoPeace]

In Civ IV, people get kicked out of the country faster if Open Borders was cancelled than if they walked out peacefully.

Obviously, hatred is a better fuel source than gasoline. Therefore, if we were to apply this statement to our present-day world, we wouldn't have air pollution in the first place.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

Gah, this thread. I know it's humor, but it still bothers me. There was one guy complaining about being able to use rockets without oil. Last time I checked, hydrazine wasn't petroleum.

 

[cardgame]

Trebuchets didn't actually fling rocks; Instead, they acted as enormous maces that only swung vertically. They were most effective against melee units.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

Or they were just effective at bombarding melee infantry moving in for a counterattack.

 

[hsy]

Spies change sex upon entering the industrial age.

 

[EsaKo]

Spies change sex upon entering the industrial age.

And instead of trying to blend with the crowd, they wear tight black suits that make one go "Oh boy, another of those femme fatales"...

 

[Bostock]

Well we all know that Nico was a commie.

 

[hsy]

And instead of trying to blend with the crowd, they wear tight black suits that make one go "Oh boy, another of those femme fatales"...

Those weird spy traditions when it comes to celebrating the coming of the industrial age, first self-castration, then this......

 

[Absolute Zero]

Trebuchets didn't actually fling rocks; Instead, they acted as enormous maces that only swung vertically. They were most effective against melee units.

And they magically move around and attack by themselves without any people required to operate them.

 

[EsaKo]

A footman on a train moves five times faster than a horse rider on flatland, while in Westerns, cowboys can catch trains with ease! I'm confused - which is the real world?

 

[ICNP]

A footman on a train moves five times faster than a horse rider on flatland, while in Westerns, cowboys can catch trains with ease! I'm confused - which is the real world?

The horse can beat the train in a sprint, but in a long drawn out race across America, the train wins.

 

[georgjorge]

A ship can be built into a totally different ship while on the open sea with no problems, as long as the builders hear the songs of your poets and can read your novels. In fact, ships can be completely rebuilt on open sea even if they happen to carry, say, three tanks at the moment, because it'll be easy to find some empty drawer or something to put them in during the reconstruction.

 

[EsaKo]

Nuclear weapons are the reason behind global warming.

 

[Absolute Zero]

Nuclear weapons are the reason behind global warming.

And every few years, this peculiar global warming turns lush, fertile grassland and plains into inhospitable desert.

 

[CivIVMonger]

This thread just won't die. lol

 

[hewhoknowsall]

A modern day helicopter cannot fly farther than the length of 3 cities in an entire year.
It takes a modern infantry regiment a year to cross a single city's length.
Riflemen have a bonus against mounted units presumably due to their rifles, yet modern infantry do not.
Archers due to their ranged attacks get the chance to attack their enemies before the enemies get close, yet when they first received guns they decided that this was dishonorable.
Battle fronts do not exist. Instead, modern day armies move around in clumps like stacks that bring doom.
A stealth bomber cannot destroy a wooden boat.
Civilians require food and may starve, but when drafted or volunteer for the army they no longer require food or water, aren't bothered by the weather and live forever.
A bunch of guys with wooden clubs can enter New York City and raze it to the ground, effortlessly defeating the police, civilians (many armed with guns or at least knives), bodyguards, civilians in trucks/cars/other big vehicles, and burn concrete/steel reinforced skyscrapers many of which are designed to withstand earthquakes to the ground.

 

[EsaKo]

French musketeers used steroids.

 

[NoPeace]

In Civ IV, it's would be impossible to bomb another nation by flying over the North Pole.