In my own self-examination i have divided the periods of my life, up to now, to three general periods, with some smaller, intermediate ones as well, and moreover with one non-examined period, that predates the earliest examined one.
Those are the early emelentary to start of puberty period (8-12,5), puberty to mid-highschool (12,7 to 15,5, with 12,5-12,7 being a seperate, intermediate period) and then, after a larger intermediate period, which breaks up to various smaller ones, the university years to now (18,5-27).
In my diary i have examined those three periods, mostly focusing on the second of them up to now. Ofcourse the examination of even one day can never end, since one can just keep on examining the same day over and over, from different perspectives, and taking different mental routes. However the end of the examination is what determines the value of each individual method followed.
My own ends have been many, but one of the most important ones has been to be able to negate some very negative emotions, which in the past had led to a stabilised severe depression, with symptoms of BDD.
Following many notes it has become clearer that the origin of the symptoms was to be found in the first examined period (although ofcourse it can go beyong it, to the not yet examined period of 8,5-0 years, and indeed since i can recall memories from when i was around 6 years old, i can notice some unpleasant experiences then as well).
Of those probable points of origin of the negative emotions i have been focusing rrecently mostly on the impression that my mother had made on me, since i used to be seing her as a very dark figure when i was very young (below 8 years old), but it seems that this was not the only significant factor for my sadness and horror in following years.
The idea of violence had interested me very much in my first period. Since i was always trying to examine how the other children acted, and why they acted as they did, i had developed various theories, which although were lacking in more scientific insight, they were quite complicated. But violence seemed to me to be a very important aspect of life.
In Dostoevsky's 'crime and punishment', Raskolnikov is of the view that a 'superior person' can kill, and this can go unpunished. My own view when i was 10 was that to kill someone would mean at any rate that it would be proven that there is no law in the world, apart from that of deterence, and that law would not be logical since it wouldnt be based on an analysis of why one should not be violent or even destructive. Definately my background was that, on the other hand, there was indeed a law, that of good and evil, but of a pure good and a pure evil, which were being personified everywhere around me (as is ussual with very young children). However the dependence of a form which seemed to be good, on the individual's emotions at the time, negated the idea that pure good or pure evil existed by themeselves, or were distinct places where one could be placed on a parallel world, from which world his form was being projected back into this one. My self-examination in that period was one where the outside forms (my own, in the mirror, or that of other people) were being seen as revelations of their inner state, and although this view was later on dismissed, its foundation (the split image of the mother) was not carefully examined.
Violence, something which i detested in other kids, and something which i was very much afraid of (i can remember thinking at that age that other children might hurt someone seriously, due to their recklessness; for example they could poke his eyes out, without meaning to do any such harm) became a minor fixation, but due to my other fixation with the image of good and evil.
My own anxiety was about whether or not my own form was good, or bad (bad and evil can be seen as similar, however bad can also be seen as something completely different from evil) and then if i was evil or good. Due to several goings-on in my vhildhood in that first era, i finally reached the conclusion that my form could be seen as good (not ethically) but that i was evil, or at least aspiring to be that.
This didnt mean that i wanted to be cruel or damaging. In my view being evil was just another development of character, and it seemed for many reasons more appealing than being good. Definately on the outside i didnt at all betray this view, and was acting as if i was "the good child" (this also is common).
However being evil meant that my own form was to be seen in such a way too, something which on the one hand wasnt as difficult, since i had already stabilised seing myself in a sort of dark way in the mirror, but on the other hand meant that i had to be near that impression every time i was looking at me, or else i was loosing the feal of being something known to me.
At the end of the first period, that is in the final year in elementary school, still before puberty, i had more or less managed to be consistently of the view that my form was pleasant, and had some evil qualities, which possibly couldnt be noticed by others, something which could be explained in a myriad ways, although i had been busy also trying to calculate the various different ways in which other people might be looking at me (what they were actually seing; how they were understanding it; what scales of categorizing of impressions of forms they had etc). I also had managed to have considerably more friends than i used to, and this also made me feel more at ease, relatively, than in the past.
But the idea of commiting an act of violence, not while enraged (i never got enraged, due to my calculative character) but after examination of what it might mean to me, was again present, and even more so now.
I am examining this exact period these days, so it isnt very clear already what i might have done, if i at all did anything. It is certain though that at one time i had been left alone with an infant nephew of mine (its parents were my cousins, but they were a lot older than me) and was thinking of hurting the child, since no one would be able to notice, and only i would have been aware of what had been done. Definately at that age, at little below 12 years old, i was not aware of the concept of psychological trauma, so my view was that the infant could recall in some way its past experience, but not in one which would be possible for me to calculate (this was true ofcourse), and still i considered it probable that the impact of violence might change it in the way that it could recall a notion of being attacked by another being, in a strange room. This, afterall, was not a mistake, since it most definately would, although it would still be impossible to calculate from the start what that recolection would cause, or how it would be formed inside the infant's mind, and how it would be linked to other experiences as the infant slowly grew.
It is also very probable that i was of the view that such an impact could liken the infant to me, in a way, which goes on to show how miserable my own state was due to estrangement. But i cannot really remember that night vividly, although i will try to in the future.
Apart from such thoughts however, there possibly were also thoughts about pure violence, and not supposedly beneficial one (the supposedly beneficial one would be more like a religious ceremony, where one could be lifting the child up suddently, or placing it under the bed, in the shadows). Pure violence would be more about a real hit. This i too do not remember of practising.
The reason why my notes here are so vague is because i trully have no more distinct recollection of them. My intention with writing this was to ask what other people's views of violence in such pre-puberty ages were, although i do not request to read such views because i am basing my own on them. It is very probable that a group of people, for their own reasons which are many and different, and have variations, regard violence in such phases of life as anathema. Such a position is based on emotion, but one has to keep in mind that emotion is formed due to one's own mental background, and is not caused by the other person whose actions one does not really understand more than vaguely. Others note that children are selfish, and in those ages will never trully care for another person.
My own position was one where i could understand that to harm someone would cause pain, but then again this pain would in a way flow to a nameless pit in the world, and wouldnt really be felt as something which continued to exist outside my own world of thought. Definately i could tell that an infant would be in pain if i had tried to hit it, but an infant, a person which i had never talked to, someone who was not yet even a person in a way, someone who in those years was seperated from me by almost 9/10 of the years i had lived, whereas in school even a difference in one year seemed to guarantee eternal gaps inside two people, seemed to be fading away in the distance, after he would have had again left that room in my house.
Certainly i would have to examine more carefully what (if anything) happened in that night, before making more specific observations about my own behaviour, but i am of the view that such issues should not be taboo, since in reality nothing is best kept silent.
Also i hope that you will not be carried away by the semi-storylike narration; i am used to writing literature so i am writing this in a similar way as well.
(pls do not post any spam)
Those are the early emelentary to start of puberty period (8-12,5), puberty to mid-highschool (12,7 to 15,5, with 12,5-12,7 being a seperate, intermediate period) and then, after a larger intermediate period, which breaks up to various smaller ones, the university years to now (18,5-27).
In my diary i have examined those three periods, mostly focusing on the second of them up to now. Ofcourse the examination of even one day can never end, since one can just keep on examining the same day over and over, from different perspectives, and taking different mental routes. However the end of the examination is what determines the value of each individual method followed.
My own ends have been many, but one of the most important ones has been to be able to negate some very negative emotions, which in the past had led to a stabilised severe depression, with symptoms of BDD.
Following many notes it has become clearer that the origin of the symptoms was to be found in the first examined period (although ofcourse it can go beyong it, to the not yet examined period of 8,5-0 years, and indeed since i can recall memories from when i was around 6 years old, i can notice some unpleasant experiences then as well).
Of those probable points of origin of the negative emotions i have been focusing rrecently mostly on the impression that my mother had made on me, since i used to be seing her as a very dark figure when i was very young (below 8 years old), but it seems that this was not the only significant factor for my sadness and horror in following years.
The idea of violence had interested me very much in my first period. Since i was always trying to examine how the other children acted, and why they acted as they did, i had developed various theories, which although were lacking in more scientific insight, they were quite complicated. But violence seemed to me to be a very important aspect of life.
In Dostoevsky's 'crime and punishment', Raskolnikov is of the view that a 'superior person' can kill, and this can go unpunished. My own view when i was 10 was that to kill someone would mean at any rate that it would be proven that there is no law in the world, apart from that of deterence, and that law would not be logical since it wouldnt be based on an analysis of why one should not be violent or even destructive. Definately my background was that, on the other hand, there was indeed a law, that of good and evil, but of a pure good and a pure evil, which were being personified everywhere around me (as is ussual with very young children). However the dependence of a form which seemed to be good, on the individual's emotions at the time, negated the idea that pure good or pure evil existed by themeselves, or were distinct places where one could be placed on a parallel world, from which world his form was being projected back into this one. My self-examination in that period was one where the outside forms (my own, in the mirror, or that of other people) were being seen as revelations of their inner state, and although this view was later on dismissed, its foundation (the split image of the mother) was not carefully examined.
Violence, something which i detested in other kids, and something which i was very much afraid of (i can remember thinking at that age that other children might hurt someone seriously, due to their recklessness; for example they could poke his eyes out, without meaning to do any such harm) became a minor fixation, but due to my other fixation with the image of good and evil.
My own anxiety was about whether or not my own form was good, or bad (bad and evil can be seen as similar, however bad can also be seen as something completely different from evil) and then if i was evil or good. Due to several goings-on in my vhildhood in that first era, i finally reached the conclusion that my form could be seen as good (not ethically) but that i was evil, or at least aspiring to be that.
This didnt mean that i wanted to be cruel or damaging. In my view being evil was just another development of character, and it seemed for many reasons more appealing than being good. Definately on the outside i didnt at all betray this view, and was acting as if i was "the good child" (this also is common).
However being evil meant that my own form was to be seen in such a way too, something which on the one hand wasnt as difficult, since i had already stabilised seing myself in a sort of dark way in the mirror, but on the other hand meant that i had to be near that impression every time i was looking at me, or else i was loosing the feal of being something known to me.
At the end of the first period, that is in the final year in elementary school, still before puberty, i had more or less managed to be consistently of the view that my form was pleasant, and had some evil qualities, which possibly couldnt be noticed by others, something which could be explained in a myriad ways, although i had been busy also trying to calculate the various different ways in which other people might be looking at me (what they were actually seing; how they were understanding it; what scales of categorizing of impressions of forms they had etc). I also had managed to have considerably more friends than i used to, and this also made me feel more at ease, relatively, than in the past.
But the idea of commiting an act of violence, not while enraged (i never got enraged, due to my calculative character) but after examination of what it might mean to me, was again present, and even more so now.
I am examining this exact period these days, so it isnt very clear already what i might have done, if i at all did anything. It is certain though that at one time i had been left alone with an infant nephew of mine (its parents were my cousins, but they were a lot older than me) and was thinking of hurting the child, since no one would be able to notice, and only i would have been aware of what had been done. Definately at that age, at little below 12 years old, i was not aware of the concept of psychological trauma, so my view was that the infant could recall in some way its past experience, but not in one which would be possible for me to calculate (this was true ofcourse), and still i considered it probable that the impact of violence might change it in the way that it could recall a notion of being attacked by another being, in a strange room. This, afterall, was not a mistake, since it most definately would, although it would still be impossible to calculate from the start what that recolection would cause, or how it would be formed inside the infant's mind, and how it would be linked to other experiences as the infant slowly grew.
It is also very probable that i was of the view that such an impact could liken the infant to me, in a way, which goes on to show how miserable my own state was due to estrangement. But i cannot really remember that night vividly, although i will try to in the future.
Apart from such thoughts however, there possibly were also thoughts about pure violence, and not supposedly beneficial one (the supposedly beneficial one would be more like a religious ceremony, where one could be lifting the child up suddently, or placing it under the bed, in the shadows). Pure violence would be more about a real hit. This i too do not remember of practising.
The reason why my notes here are so vague is because i trully have no more distinct recollection of them. My intention with writing this was to ask what other people's views of violence in such pre-puberty ages were, although i do not request to read such views because i am basing my own on them. It is very probable that a group of people, for their own reasons which are many and different, and have variations, regard violence in such phases of life as anathema. Such a position is based on emotion, but one has to keep in mind that emotion is formed due to one's own mental background, and is not caused by the other person whose actions one does not really understand more than vaguely. Others note that children are selfish, and in those ages will never trully care for another person.
My own position was one where i could understand that to harm someone would cause pain, but then again this pain would in a way flow to a nameless pit in the world, and wouldnt really be felt as something which continued to exist outside my own world of thought. Definately i could tell that an infant would be in pain if i had tried to hit it, but an infant, a person which i had never talked to, someone who was not yet even a person in a way, someone who in those years was seperated from me by almost 9/10 of the years i had lived, whereas in school even a difference in one year seemed to guarantee eternal gaps inside two people, seemed to be fading away in the distance, after he would have had again left that room in my house.
Certainly i would have to examine more carefully what (if anything) happened in that night, before making more specific observations about my own behaviour, but i am of the view that such issues should not be taboo, since in reality nothing is best kept silent.
Also i hope that you will not be carried away by the semi-storylike narration; i am used to writing literature so i am writing this in a similar way as well.
(pls do not post any spam)
Infact he probably is quite enthousiastic about life, and i am exagerating. What interests me more is my own state at the time, and also if other people had similar experiences in their own childhood 
) i would like to say that everyone had violent urges as a pre-adolescent. Not supressing them would mean a lot more violence in that age. Also i do not view myself as "messed up in the head". I simply have more ability to examine my thoughts in the past and today 
)
