Gigamesh's Court

[Flouzemaker]

2400 BC
After crossing the French territory, our Sumerian Warrior makes contact with the Dutch. The Visual Phone rings.

I am honored to meet you, Gilgamesh. I hope that our two nations will be able to live in peace and friendship.
Sure they will, Willem! As a token of my friendship, let me give you my most sincere condoleances.
Uh...
Who died?
No one died.
What's up with the funeral clothes, then?
I don't follow.
Come on, dude! You look like a bird of prey disguised as a funeral attending clown! Frilly collar, red nose, black clothes... it's all there!
And you look like a goat. What's your point?
My point is... Uh. How about a piece of peace?
I'm listening...
And a little dose of Open Borders on the side so I can take a good look at your lands?
And I'll do the same in yours.
You don't even know where my territory is.
Something tells me it's somewhere to the west.
Lucky guess.
Not a lucky one, no.
Why do you say that?
Oh, you'll see soon enough. Bye!
Toodles!

 

[Flouzemaker]

2200 BC
Sire, we are done researching Mysticism, Polytheism, and Priesthood.
Groovy. Now let's focus our attention towards...
Monotheism! Founding our own religion, Judaism for example, could greatly bolster our culture, divine leader.
I concur. It would also generate additional scientific and economic opportunities.
What about your plan to let Ramesses convert us to her religion?
If Hinduism starts spreading quickly, we can convert to that faith. If not, we could convert to our own Judaism and convert the rest of the world. It's a win – win situation, sire.
It does sound tempting. Let's go for it.


2160 BC
The City of Kish is founded



Score!!!
Can we start building a military, now?
You bet! As soon as we finish those Barracks and mine that Bronze!
Good enough for me, my lord.
Sire. Please note that we are currently losing four gold per decade. We must also address this economic situation as soon as possible.
Good point. Have Kish build a Ziggurat. That should help a bit. Just let me make a quick call. It's important...


Yes?
In your face, Kubie! In your face!
What?
I got there first, beatch!
Where? Oh. That Kish City, huh? Well I didn't even want to go there. I totally have better place in sight!
No you don't. Bye!

 

[Flouzemaker]

2080 BC
The Visual Phone rings.

Sumerian Evil Priest Relocation Services, how may I be of service?
Two can play this game, Gilgamesh!
You settled somewhere nice?
No. I want you quit that incessant trading with Ramesses this instant!
Why?
Seems I made a faux-pas and he got uppity and all mad at me. So I don't like him.
Obviously! That's because Ramesses is a woman, buddy!
Good one, I'll remember that one for future use. So you're canceling your trades with him, then?
No.
What? You like Egypt better than Mongolia, is that it?
No.
Then stop that irresponsible trading. You could hurt yourself.
If I stop trading with her, my Warrior won't be able to come home!
Come on, it's just a warrior! My advisers say you have Bronze Working. Warriors are yesterday's news.
I use him to explore and stuff so no.
Well, I don't like you any more, then.
Just for that?
See my face? Well, that's my annoyed face. So long, loser!

That went well. ~rolls eyes~

 

[Flouzemaker]

2040 BC
The Visual Phone rings anew

Secret Confessions of the Sumerian kind, how can I help you?
Stop trading with Rammy the Tranny!
Geez! What is up with you people! Can't you all just get along?
But Ram-
Look, I'll keep trading with Egypt until my Warrior is back West, OK? Got it? Clear enough?
You suck, then! You're still taking my little red book, right?
Yeah, yeah.
You're still kinda OK, then.
You and me both. Ciao!



Sire!
Yeah?
Look at the map our Warrior sent us from Dutch lands. It appears our continent ends at Amsterdam.
Crud.
But we can alos see the next continent, and the lime green nation that lives there. See?


Lime Green... I wonder what kind of psychopath that could be... Oh! Look at the Dutch coast. Amsterdam sure has a lot of Crabs.
Indeed, sire.
I guess that's what you get when you legalize prostitution, huh? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Was that a jest, sire?
Apparently a bad one, yeah.

 

[Ksim3000]

Funny! Love the diagrams, they reminds of a couple of AAR's they did back on Paradox where someone drew diagrams for the AAR. I mean story.

Anyway, keep it going!

 

[Flouzemaker]

2000 BC
A worker is trained in Eridu, and the City begins the production of a Ziggurat. The Worker heads towards a field of Corn to optimize crop yields with farms.




THE STATE OF THE KNOWN WORLD!!!

Score: 222 – Gilgamesh of Sumeria
At the present time, Sumeria controls ressources like Sheep and Horses, but will soon add Corn and Bronze to their Trade Network. Stone, Porc, Silver, Ivory and Furs should follow shortly thereafter.
Seems to me like we already have three decent cities. Kish might not become a production powerhouse, but Uruk and Eridu will do a good job of that.
However, our Empire maintains a steady deficit of 4 gold per decade. Our coffers are still filled with barbarian gold, but it's still advisable to correct the situation as soon as we can.
While our divine leader's Creativity culturally inspires our settlements, I recommend we consider building a Great Wonder. Soon, Stone will be available to us...
But, my lord, building a military becomes increasingly urgent. Who knows when barbarians could attack while all we have are two puny warriors – and one of them is on leave in Amsterdam. We are weak, and could become easy prey for other civilizations.
Our diplomatic situation is not particularly enviable, sire. All know civilizations regard us with caution, except for Kublai Khan's Mongols who are already annoyed by our mere presence. We should consider being nicer, sire.


Score: 195 – Kublai Khan of Mongolia.
It's still too early to say with certainty how advanced the Mongols are, sire.
Kublai definitely has access to Horses, so sooner or later, his Keshiks will cause trouble. Not only should we train some Vultures, we should also make sure we have an adequate number of spearmen to defend our lands from Mongol raiders.
Kublai Khan is already getting increasingly annoyed at us, and as he's our closest neighbor, it is most worrisome indeed. Ramesses dislikes Kublai Khan, but he's on the good side of all other leaders.
On the positive side, divine leader, it appears Mongolian culture is unimpressive and non-threatening.
In short, Kublai Khan is a turdling.


Score: 169 – Louis XIV of France.
Louis XIV has had access to Bronze for quite a few decades, now. He should already have quite a few Axemen patrolling his lands. Thankfully, his lands remain far from ours, though that still wouldn't prevent war.
Again, sire, it is too early to fully evaluate Frances scientific performance. It does appear adequate, though.
Kublai Khan and Mao Zedong seem to love the man, and it appears no one dislikes the French, as surprising as that may sound.
France's cultural borders don't impact us directly, but we know for a fact that Louis XIV is Industrious and has access to Stone as well. He could easily build a few Wonders of World. Worse yet, Wonders that we too covet.
Still, he's been a straight-up guy so far.


Score: 168 – Ramesses II of Egypt.
I'm not sure if Ramesses has access to horses or not, my lord. If so, I stress the importance of having a few spearmen on hand to defend our territory from potential raiders.
I can't say much for now, other that it seems clear Ramesses has either not bothered researching Meditation yet, or he has yet to build a Monastery to help spread his religion.
It is indeed a noteworthy fact, sire. This means that so far, Judaism, should we found it, would be just as strong as his Hinduism. Also note that both Kublai Khan and Mao Zedong strongly dislike him, for some reason.
Thanks to his religion however, it's a safe bet that Thebes produces strong culture.
But Ramesses is such an ugly woman she makes me wish Victoria was here so I could feast my eyes on her sagging flesh!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Score: 159 – Willem Van Oranje of the Netherlands.
I do not believe Willem to be a threat at this point, my lord.
Because he has access to Fish and two Crabs in Amsterdam's Fat Cross, I would wager that despite his low score, Willem Van Oranje is Scientifically strong, sire. Willem also has a reputation of being a savvy technology trader. When one of us has Alphabet, we'll have to make sure we can profit as well.
Surprisingly, Willem has only met Louis XIV and yourself, sire, and he is cautious towards both. It is also safe to assume that he has already made contact with that mysterious psychopathic lime green civilization on the easternmost continent.
Be wary of Willem's science. It could allow him to build some wonders well before anyone else can.
Hmm. I do expect Willem to be lurching around for a long time. He very well could end up being an important ally as well as provide very strong scientific competition.


Score: 128 – Joao II of Portugal.
There is too little known about the Portuguese, most notably their location. For all we know, we could eventually share a border with him, and a good general should always be weary of his neighbors, my lord.
Too little is known, sire.
Save for Willem, Joao has met everyone we have, and he is viewed with caution by all.
I know nothing of Portuguese culture, divine leader.
He hasn't annoyed me in anyway yet, so he's OK in my book. From where we met his own exploring warrior, I would surmise that his territory lies somewhere to the North-west of Mongolia.


Score: 120 – Mao Zedong of China.
Ignore his current score, he could be playing possum. Mao's reputation precedes him: you can never fully trust him. And since we don't know where his territory is, we should make sure our cities and resources are well protected.
Mao's science is nothing to write to your mother about, sire.
Louis and Kublai are rather fond of Mao, while he only regards us with caution. Thankfully, Egypt attracts his ire for the time being.
We need to know much, much more about the Chinese Culture, divine leader.
Don't trust Mao too much? You have to be kidding, guys! He looks like he couldn't harm a fly! He can't even afford decent clothes for crying out loud!
It wouldn't hurt to put yourself in his good books, but remain weary of him.
Possum, my lord, possum.




... to be continued...

 

[ono-neko]

Excellent story and presentation! I am in love with this thread now

 

[Warning Sign]

An hilarious story so far, and I'm really digging the drawings too. I think you may want to incorporate a fervent nationwide worshiping of Gilgamesh's beard-dreads into your next post.

 

[Killroyan]

Man, if you can keep this up. This is a great laugh so far and interesting story. Love the pics of all the main characters. Keep it coming.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Thanks!
You can't really write a story about Gilgamesh without mentioning his elaborate beard... I'm just waiting for the right moment. It doesn't "feel" right, yet.



1960 BC
Judaism is founded in Eridu.

WOO! Are we good or what?
We seem to be doing alright, sire.
What next... Know what? Research Hunting for me. It's not glorious, but we'll be able to fully benefit from Ivory and furs.
Good idea, sire.
My lord! We have finally built our Barracks in Uruk!
Yeah, but our Bronze mine isn't finished yet. Let's build a third worker. It'll be done in five turns, just in time to start churning out some Vultures.
Thank you, my lord. You won't regret it.
I'm such a good divine-leader, I know.
Can I take the time to underscore the fact that one of our Warriors has slain a pack of wolves, gaining a promotion in the process?
Guess you just did, pal. I mean, good for him, but it's just a Warrior. We're already making way for our Vultures by now.
Still, my outdated little guy made me proud, my lord.


1840 BC
Uruk builds a worker and the Bronze mine STILL isn't completed.


Guys, I have a plan.
Is it an evil plan?
Very well could be, son. Council, lend me your ears: With our newly built worker, and the worker that will soon finish building the mine near Kish, we will chop a few of the forests surrounding Uruk. We will use the hammer yield to produce a Great Wonder, one we can't build with Stone.
A Great Wonder? Oh, joy! Which one, divine-leader?
At this point, The Oracle looks very good to me. Should we complete it, we could acquire knowledge of Theology.
Wonderful, sire!
The Oracle's religious element will help us generate a Great Prophet to maximize the religious profits of Judaism – or possibly Christianity if it seems better. Gaining Theology for free would be great and so would founding a new religion. But here's the second aspect of the plan: In Eridu, which seems to produce good amounts of Shields, I'll attempt to erect The Pyramids, The Hanging Gardens as well as The Hagia Sophia, obtained from Theology.
I love it.
Um... My lord. I thought we had agreed that we would create a military... ~grumble, grumble~

 

[Flouzemaker]

1520 BC
Louis XIV unwisely converts to Hinduism. Meanwhile, south-west of France, one of Warrior teaches a Barbarian a lesson.

Much time has passed, sire, and we have now learned the secrets of Hunting, Pottery, and Meditation. If you want to successfully complete the second phase of your plan, I highly recommend researching Mathematics.
I totally agree, wise one.
My lord. We still have only two puny Warriors. The situation is becoming pathetically shameful.
We'll build troops in Uruk and Kish when they respectively build the Oracle and Barracks, buddy. It'll come.
No offense, but you've been saying they would come for a very, very long time now. And we still have no offense.
Was that a joke?
I'm very serious, my lord.
Oh. I thought you were going for a weak “no offense,” pun, there, for a second.
No, my lord.


1320 BC
Shortly after chopping down a second forest near Uruk, The Oracle is built in the Capital.



YEAH, BABY! Who has a free tech?
We do! We do!
And what is it?
A new religion! A new religion!
Oh. Whoopee.
Don't be such a killjoy, this is awesome! I so love giving birth to Christ long before his actual birth. Watch this:



Ha! Ha! Are we awesome or what? Let's build our first Vulture in Uruk.
FINALLY! My lord.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1240 BC


GILGAMESH!
Who the heck are you?
I am Sid Mei- Err... I am the Spirit of Random Events, Gilgamesh.
Are you part of my staff or something?
No, no, no. I'm the Spirit of Random Events. Fate, Karma, Chance, whatever you want to call it.
So I'm not paying you.
Um no.
Good, 'cause you're not hired. Now scamper off.
That's not how things work, Gilgamesh. You can't avoid Random Events.
Unless you turn them off before starting a game.
Right. But you didn't.
Fine. What do you want then? Let's get this ordeal over with quickly.
I, the Spirit of Random Events, ask that you complete the Quest of CLASSIC LITERATUREtureture!
Was that echo?
Neat isn't it?
As far as unavoidable auditive irritants go, it was super neat. So what's the low-down on your Quest of CLASSIC LITERATURE, ture, ture?
If you build five Libraries before you reach the Renaissance era, you'll earn a Science bonus. If you build your five Libraries and control the Great Library, you'll get an even sweeter Science bonus.
And what happens if I don't complete said Quest before the renaissance?
Probably nothing.
OMG! That's positively awful! I must complete this quest right away!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Council of Advisers! I was visited by Sid – I mean the Spirit of Random Events!
Who gives an F word, my lord?
We all do! Lookit here:



That is excellent news, sire.
Think of all the additional culture this quest will bring us!
Think of all the military units we won't be building because of this inane waste of time!
Must I assume that your plan of building The Pyramids, The Hanging Gardens and The Hagia Sophia in Eridu goes out the window?
No, we're still doing that. I'm stubborn that way.
Yeah, I know what goes out the window. My military, as usual.
No, we need stay on track with the military. We'll need at least five Vultures and a few spearmen. And we'll get them.
But we also have to research Mathematics and Literature, sire.
We will, we will.
So what are we not doing, then?
We're doing all of it!!
That's pretty optimistic.
Come on, guys! Trust me! There's a slight chance I actually know what I'm doing, here. It's not like we were attempting this on Deity. We actually have a chance if we only try!
At the very least, it'll give us some extra culture. I'm all for it.
Count me in.
Let's get to work, then!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1120 BC

Divine Leader!
What? We're building the Pyramids in Eridu, researching Mathematics and churning out Vultures in Uruk. What's the problem.
I just wanted to mention that Louis XIV has just built the Great Wall of France.
Good for him. Now get back to the task at hand!


1000 BC

Sire, we have discovered Mathematics.
It was about time! Feels like we've been researching that one forever!
Shall I work on Aesthetics then Literature, sire?
Please do that, adviser.
My Lord! It's so beautiful I can scarcely believe it!
What?
Uruk has trained our first Vultures!
That took longer than I thought. My plan already reveals itself as flawed. Our unit production is too slow for my tastes. Have Eridu delay the construction of The Pyramids so it can build its own Barracks and one or two Vultures.
Thank you, my Lord! Thank you!
I'm confident our military can wait, my Lord. Think of the culture the Pyramids could bring us!
Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
Sire. I forgot to mention that Kish has finally finished its Ziggurat. Should we build a Library there now?
Oooh! Purty please, divine-leader!
Alright. Let's do that.
Yay!

 

[Flouzemaker]

900 BC

GILGAMESH!
GHAAH!
It is I, the Spirit of Random Events!
Don't sneak up on me like that, dude! I wasn't expecting it!
If you expected it, it wouldn't be random, now would it?
Guess not. Well, I'm not done with your Classic Literature quest, so you can go back to wherever you popped out from.
That's not what I'm here for, Gilgamesh. It's something else, look:



You're kidding me! They did? They did that?
They sure did, Gilgamesh.
Hmm. Maybe Mongolians aren't total scum after all. But this baffles me, Spirit.
Altruism? Never underestimate the A.I. I know a thing or two about that!
That ain't it. Usually, this random event pops up multiple times per game, see? But it's the first time that I have the starving populace.
If it always happened the same way, then it wouldn't be -
... Random. Yeah, I get it. You can get lost, now, as I am forced to contemplate Kublai Khan under a new light...
That's the whole point, Gilgamesh!
Bugger off, you!

 

[Flouzemaker]

700 BC
The Visual Phone rings once.
One! Ha! Ha! Ha!

The Visual Phone rings a second time.
Two! Ha! Ha! Ha!

The Visual Phone rings a third time.
Tree! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hello! Ze Count speaking?
Who?
Thanks for all the food, Kublai Khan!
Mongolia can always help a wimp now and then, it prolongs the pleasure.
Figured as much. What's up?
You seem to know your way around numbers, Gilgamesh.
'Course I do! I'm Sumerian, ain't I?
Well, I want Mathematics. Of course, I could give you Iron Working for it.
You're truly an altruist, Kublai Khan.
Was that sarcasm?
And perceptive as well... Listen. That didn't sound like a fair trade to me, buddy. But I can give you Mathematics and Mysticism for your Alphabet.
Done.
Score!



My respect for you is on the rise again, Kublai Khan. It's not often I can negotiate a fair trade.
Good for you. Well, if you need me, I'll be in Karaokum building the Hanging Gardens. Bye!
Hey! Wait! Dang it! You don't even have any Stone! Hey!! I want the Hanging Gardens! They don't just hang around, they guard as well!


That does it! It's time to put my plan into action!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Council of Advisers! Watch this map carefully and tell me your thoughts.



Very nice map, sire. I didn't know you were so handy with a crayon.
Not that! Still, thank you. I'll take them when I can. Observe, minions: City 1 shall be Lagash – On a river, coastal and possessing Jewels, Marble, and Incense. Theoretically, it should fare well scientifically. Thoughts?
It looks like a good idea, sire. We do need five cities if we hope to build five libraries. Though, if it pleases you, we're still losing three gold per turn. Adding two more cities might throw our Empire down the financial drain.
He who risks nothing gains nothing.
That must explain the "risk it all by not having any military" philosophy you seem to cherish, my Lord.
If it helps you to sleep at night to think that, sure. City 2 shall be dubbed Ur. A two letter city name will surely promote literacy throughout the Empire. It'll have access to Clams, Cows and Spices, but will most assuredly suck at producing anything.
It could make a pretty penny or two one of these days, though.
But, Ô divine-leader, what about culture?
Well, now that Eridu is almost done training it's Vultures, I figure it could resume it's work on the Pyramids.
Surprise, surprise.
Grand news, divine-leader!
Your shoelaces are untied, grease ball.
My shoes can't be untied, they don't have laces. They're blue and made of suede.
Very manly.
Sire, while I have your ear, I'd like to congratulate you or your latest dealings with Kublai Khan. He is now merely cautious towards us, and we gained valuable technology in the process.
Ain't it a ball? I'd high-five the lot of you in a celebratory gesture, but I'm afraid I'd clobber you silly with my hooves.

 

[Flouzemaker]

550 BC

Ah! Excellent! Lagash is founded. It shall begin work on it's very own library this instant!
And there was much rejoicing, sire.
And I'm filled with glee to know you've already sent a worker to quarry that Marble. Building the Great Library in Uruk will be a breeze.
Right... building the Great Library. A conundrum. Uruk is already pretty busy building Vultures and Settlers... Let's have Kish build it. There are two good forests we can chop if we have to...


500 BC

GILGAMESH!
Ghaah! Really, dude, you have to stop that! No, I'm not done with the Literacy Drive.
Again, you mistake my intentions, Gilgamesh. Thanks to my spiritual randomness, your Sumerian people have developped a new art form in the tundra near Kish.
Art form.
Yeah. They make gizmos with blocks of ice or some such thing.
You bothered me for that?
It does give Kish one hundred extra Culture points.
Really? For blocks of Ice? I guess the ices of Kish make more than just refreshingly cool beverages.
Like water?
That's all we have, isn't it?
Later, Gilgamesh!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Are You Hot or Not Sumerian Chapterhouse, Gilgamesh speaking, how may I help?
The universe is truly without joy, Gilgamesh, but we can still trade.
Erm, I guess so. Whatchoogot?
How about I give you my Sailing for your Monotheism?
Done deal, Willem!
I'd say it was a pleasure dealing with you, Gilgamesh, but I'd be lying. Pleasure does not exist.
You're in a sour mood.
If you looked like me, you'd feel the same way.
Look at the silver-lining, Willem. At least, you don't have golden anvils attatched to your needlessly long and braided beard! Bye!