Enlist In The Army Now!

[nixon]

U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Dynamic Cow]

hmmm, its a little overkill...

 

[nixon]

People like ye can serve in the Air Force!

U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________

 

[Simon Darkshade]

Most amusing. I shudder to think of what the Navy and the Marines will have...

 

[nixon]

Ah Simon, ye can have command of the BBs!

NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________


One will join the Marines!

U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

 

[Simon Darkshade]

How very quaint, particularly the one for 'Lady Green and Her Killing Machine'. Do check out one's thread on Sub Simulation before it disappears.

 

[Padma]

Ahh, yes, and I have seen prime examples of each of these during my years of service.

Reminds me of a saying we used to have about the differences between the services:

The Marines run 3 miles every day.
The Army runs 1 mile.
The Navy runs 1/4 mile.
The Air Force flies.

 

[HotDog Fish]

Surprsingly enough this thread is hillarious! Do you have one about the Reserves?

 

[nixon]

Nah, what do you need 'em for?

Now ye are talking, one would wonder if the Reserves had a different Oath of Enlistment than the rest of the armed forces...Padma?

Here's another one,

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge."

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."

 

[Cloudyvortex]

Be all you can't possibly be in the army.

 

[Perfection]

We need the coast Guard oath too!!!

 

[Fr8monkey]

I went into the AiForce. There the Officers get shot at!

 

[Simon Darkshade]

Politically Correct Navy

based on the new correspondence manual you'll want to be non-gender specific:

Seaman is now seaperson
Man the rails is now people the rails
Man Aloft is now just working aloft
Mannheim Steamroller is now Personheim Steamrollit
Manning battle stations is now just populating critical need stations. (Battle has such strong male connotations...).
The Gangway shall become group causeway so as not to offend the sensibilities of, well, gangs.
A ship can no longer be referred to as "she." Example: "Look at the lines on that frigate--she really rides well, huh?!"

becomes: "Notice the lines on that vessel--it is very seaworthy isn't it?"

The reproduction machine will hence be the duplicate purveyor.

No more breast line.

PETA has asked that we stop hurting camels during mooring.

DCPOs will stop using the MHC designation. Now they'll simply be Covers With Lots of Bolts (CWLB)

No more screwdrivers--regular or special.

Man Overboard is history. Just say "Someone fell over the side!" Say it loudly and often--make it become second nature. Say it now in your workspace to accustom others to the loud guffaws it brought here.

Mess b-!-t-c-h and mess c-r-a-n-k are no longer correct. Just say Food Utensil Cleanliness Ass't. (FUCA). Example:
"Hey FUCA, we're outta milk again!"


Locating a Submarine

High on the Navy's list of priority problems is that of AntiSubmarine Warfare (ASW). The detection and localization of a submarine has proven to be a very difficult problem, indeed. The following methods are a few that have been advanced to help in this area.
1) The Physicist's Method: Irradiate the ocean with high-energy neutrons so that H2O becomes 4H2O. Submarines will become excessively buoyant and cannot submerge. Their disposition can then be undertaken with leisure.

2) The Chemist's Method: Place in the ocean large quantities of lysergic acid. The fish population becomes terrified at the prospect of loneliness and clusters about submarines in a frenzy of affection and admiration, thereby constricting the movement of submarines to a level of difficulty.

3) The Engineer's Method: Construct a large filter system having a mesh of about eight meters and pump ocean water through it at the rate of 15 million liters a day. This will recirculate the oceans daily. Because of the mesh filter, only submarines will be trapped.

4) The Mathematician's Method: Construct a large Klein bottle that can contain the necessary numbers of submarines. Note that the submarines are initially outside this bottle. However, the outside of a Klein bottle is also its inside. Therefore, the submarines are inside this bottle. (Two dimensional submarines may be disposed of by a suitable Mobius strip)

5) The Ballistician's Method: Equip all surface ASW ships with green paint. On detecting a submarine, spread the paint over the sea surface and remain quiet. The submarine rises to investigate, but its periscope becomes covered with green paint. It, therefore, believes itself to be underwater and continues to rise. When it reaches a convenient altitude, shoot it down with Anti-Aircraft Fire.

6) The Economist's Method: Induce the United States of America to use seawater rather than gold to support its currency. The French will immediately start to sequester it in their vaults in such quantities that by the time supply and demand curves cross, the submarines will either be (A) aground, or (B) locked up in French safe-deposit boxes.

Marines Farewell Salute

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.

I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 United States Marines in full dress, with M-16s, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing President.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.



Every last one of them missed.....

Marine Corps Entrance Exam

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: __________________________________________
Carter: _________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify

* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.

 

[nixon]

Here's a little one,

An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest?

The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.

Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".

The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The Army General then says "Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."


The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.


The Genertal turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY."

 

[nixon]

Couldn't resist from posting this one,


Dear China,

We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.

We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.

Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.

Sincerely,

The People of the United States of America

 

[Simon Darkshade]

An F-16 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.

Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them.

The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back and took a leak."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

 

[Raijer]

You guys are hilarious... this stuff is brilliant.