Never been able to establish if this is genuine or not, but its certainly well in character.
Message from Sir Arthur Wellesley, Earl of Wellington, to the British
Foreign Office in London, written in Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position, which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently
complying with your requests, which have been sent by H.M. ship from
London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen
of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible
carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are
war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe
that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I
shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
