Funny Email

[Apollo]

Here is a funny email that I received a while back. I have no idea to its authenticity, but its funny nonetheless.

---------------------------------------------------------------

From a little book called “Disorder in the Birmingham Court.”
Quotes people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight of thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world…

Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Lawyer: Male semen?
Witness: That’s the only kind I know of.

Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: It was covered?
Witness: Yes. Bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on, what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Clerk: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty God…”
Witness: “I swear by Almighty God.”
Clerk: “That the evidence that I give…”
Witness: That’s right.
Clerk: Repeat it.
Witness: “Repeat it”.
Clerk: No! Repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Clerk: “That the evidence that I give…”
Witness: “That the evidence that I give.”
Clerk: “Shall be the truth and…”
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and…”
Witness: I’m not a scholar, you know.
Clerk: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and…”
Witness: “Shall be the truth and.”
Clerk: Say: “Nothing…”
Witness: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
Clerk: No! Don’t say nothing. Say: “Nothing but the truth…”
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Can’t you say: “Nothing but the truth…”?
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Well? Do so.
Witness: You’re confusing me.
Clerk: Just say: “Nothing but the truth…”
Witness: Is that all?
Clerk: Yes.
Witness: Okay. I understand.
Clerk: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Clerk: “Nothing but the truth…”
Witness: But I do! That’s just it.
Clerk: You must say: “Nothing but the truth…”
Witness: I will say nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat these four words: “Nothing”, “But”, “The”, “Truth”.
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Clerk: Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”
Clerk: Thank you.
Witness: I’m just not a scholar.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

More to come! Also, feel free to post your own.

 

[damunzy]

The last was the best IMO. I also like the practicing law with out a brain one

 

[Wolfe Tone]

OK i understand that some of them MIGHT be true but seriously alot of these are BS right. There aren't people in this world that dumb are there.
Oh wait there about laywers........ Nevermind

 

[Apollo]

Ok, here's another funny email. I found this while cleaning out my inbox. I originally got it over a year ago, so it was written well before 9/11/01, and if you can put those events aside is very funny.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately. For once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too ... actually, it is the best part!

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name: ................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ..................................
Password: ............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:..................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .....................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./......
4. Serial Number:.........................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iran
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division.


IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this mail, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm dissapointed that nobody else has posted any. Am I the onle one who gets these great emails?

 

[muppet]

Memo From The IT Dept.....

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you e-mail with high importance delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a p uzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all sixty eight printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it , would you?

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People in the executive area like to keep abreast of what's going on.

31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

 

[muppet]

I hope this one doesn't get censored. It would lose all the humor.

Do you need any training?

Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give each employee more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our specially skilled managers will make sure that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted,they don't have to S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L..S.H.I.T.)

Those that are on B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intense Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) .

Thank you,

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[Sixchan]

Okay, here's some.

> >
> >>> For those who take life too seriously.....
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
> >>>
> >>> 2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
> >>>
> >>> 3. On the other hand...you have different fingers.
> >>>
> >>> 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> >>>
> >>> 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> >>>
> >>> 6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
> >>>
> >>> 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
> >>>
> >>> 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> >>>
> >>> 9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> >>>
> >>> 10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
> >> cheese.
> >>>
> >>> 11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
> >>>
> >>> 12. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
> >>>
> >>> 13. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> >>>
> >>> 14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
> >>>
> >>> 15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
> >>>
> >>> 16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
> >going
> >>> the wrong way.
> >>>
> >>> 17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> >>>
> >>> 18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
> >>>
> >>> 19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
> >>>
> >>> 20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
> >>>
> >>> 21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
> >>>
> >>> 22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
> >>>
> >>> 23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> >>>
> >>> 24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> >>>
> >>> 25. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
> >>>
> >>> 26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
> >>>
> >>> 27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
> >>>
> >>> 28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
> >>>
> >>> 29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
> >>>
> >>> 30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
> >>>

 

[Apollo]

>
> ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
>
> Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start
> Own Clubs
>
> Beijing (SatireWire.com) Bitter after being snubbed for membership in
> the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had
> formed
the
> "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that
stupid
> Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the
> Union address.
>
> Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having,
> for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in
> their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
> knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
>
> Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although
> they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
>
> "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
> "An
Axis
> can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
> Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II
> you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only
> have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
>
> THE AXIS PANDEMIC
>
> International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
> as within minutes, France surrendered.
>
> Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what
> became a game of geopolitical musical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia
> said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to
> join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while
> Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much
> Evil Really As
Just
> Generally Disagreeable.
>
> With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs
> filling
up,
> Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
> Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host
> the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations
> That
Are
> Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America,
> while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of
> Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not
> a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish
> Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
>
> While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
> making
fun
> of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he
rejected
> the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay,"
> accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials
> from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
>
> Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately,
> world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
>

 

[Sixchan]

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

Well perhaps Jack likes it but Most scots would be part of:

Axis of countries that eat pastry-coated sheep meat at sports venues.


Okay, here's the Irish joke of the week:

>Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
>and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
> >
> >The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
> four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
> >
> >The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
> birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of
> the Conor Pass.
> >
> >At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis
> looks like a grand place."
> >
> >He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
> off the cliff.
> >
> >Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
> stone dead.
> >
> >Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
> says, "Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fudging' dangerous for me!"
> >
> >PART TWO:
> >Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet
> shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag
> in onehand and a shotgun in the other.
> >
> >"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
> throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way
> down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to
> plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in
> his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
> parrotshooting either!"
> >
> >PART THREE:
> >Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean Og
> appears.
> >
> >He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which
> he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
> disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
> >
> >Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Feck that Lads. First der was Gerry
> with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og is
> fudging' hengliding!"

 

[allhailIndia]

This has to be the most funniest thread in all of Civfanatics . I nearly pissed in my pants laffing and almost got a cramp from rolling on the floor. I shall try to contribute soon.

 

[knowltok2]

Originally posted by allhailIndia
This has to be the most funniest thread in all of Civfanatics . I nearly pissed in my pants laffing and almost got a cramp from rolling on the floor. I shall try to contribute soon.

So true, so true. There should be a warning that if you read this stuff at work people will look at you funny since you no longer have the abilty to control yourself. Good stuff!

 

[knowltok2]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage,  hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins!!!



You can insert 'social', 'political', or even 'American foriegn' in place of company if it makes you happier.

 

[Apollo]

Understanding Engineers - Take One


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
-----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters
who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called
on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the
past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where
your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put
it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
------------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get
some work done."
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[philippe]

i dont get it

 

[Dell19]

What don't you get?

The first few posts were repeats but some of the stories were new and were funny.

 

[Zwelgje]

I especially like understanding engineers take one. A few of my friends are engineers and this really sums up what they are like.