Funny One Liners

[warmwaffles]

All right here are some funny one liners I found and changed up some:

• Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• You cant fire me...slaves have to be sold!
• If you lend someone twenty dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• There are two types of people...mac haters and pc lovers
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
• Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Please add to them if you come across some I dont have

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

I'm not lost. I just know where I'm not.

 

[warmwaffles]

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

EDIT: just found these
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family. Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men. and the sheep are scared!

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

"Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians"

That's why when I lead my army across the border I'm going through Montana.

 

[warmwaffles]

Go ahead and take montana...no ones using it

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

How about I take Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Idaho, and Utah too?

 

[sligo]

These are great. I love 'em! Oh, and I have no problem if Canada takes those states. Shoot, you can have Indiana, too. That way we might actually get a real hockey team.

- Sligo

 

[Irish Caesar]

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Apparently, natives of Georgia tell us visitors that "at least we're not Alabama." They say that it's okay to say this; it doesn't really bother the Alabamans, because "at least they're not Mississippi."