I need some laughter in my life!

[puglover]

A duck walks into a store and says, "Got any grapes?" The cashier says, "No. Sorry."

The duck comes back the next day and says, "Got any grapes?" The man says, "I told you no!"

The duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?" The man replies, "NO!!! AND IF YOU COME BACK AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!"

The duck returns saying, "Got any nails?" The man says, "Nope. Sorry" The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

 

[Zcylen]

good joke pug!

 

[Bose]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Can i have a drink and a mop"

 

[Perfection]

Originally posted by Narz
gettin' close there perfection

Really, or are you just going to egg me on with that, I'm on to you Narz, you maybe nice on the outside but the inside, pure evil!

 

[Narz]

Really, or are you just going to egg me on with that, I'm on to you Narz, you maybe nice on the outside but the inside, pure evil!

I thought the love of money was the root of all evil

Seriously though, I am being sincere about this, the person with the most perseverence (or perhaps who just catches me at a good moment) will reap the rewards.

By the way, pug, that was funny, I didn't get it at first but then I did. I almost chuckled when I pictured that smart aleck duck.

- Narz

 

[Knowze Gungk]

Two men walk into a bar.

Well, you'd think the second one'd duck, wouldn't you.

 

[K-Man]

Persistence, eh?

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html

There you go, it's a link to the really funny section, the Strong Bad e-mails, provided for your convenience if you haven't checked it out already. I'd list my favourites, but almost all of them made me laugh.

Enjoy.

 

[Narz]

Yeah, those were all pretty amusing K-Man (I haven't watched every single one yet but the ones I've seen). The only one that wasn't really funny was the "current status" one. The one where The Cheat gets pissed off drew the left side of my mouth up a bit into a grin but no 's yet...

 

[K-Man]

I'll stop beating a dead horse in a second, but just wanted to post one more thing. Have you seen the "50th e-mail" one yet? It was probably one of the first ones I laughed at, especially at the end when he is making up e-mails to himself. Also, when the cake comes on at the very end, click on the cake (or the candle, I can't remember which) and it takes you to a whole new cartoon, in black and white, set in the past. It features Strong Bad with a huge mustache, and his partner the Sneak! ("I gave him what for!!!"). Hilarious.

On that note as well, if you are looking through some of the newer ones, often times they have something extra at the end, just move the cursor around the final words (or the last room, depending on how it ends) and it should change cursors to the hand.

Okay, dead horse has been beaten enough.

 

[MrPresident]

There were three rabbits, Foot, Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot. One day Foot-Foot-Foot said to Foot-Foot and Foot, "I'm feeling rather hungry." Foot-Foot and Foot both agreed that they were feeling hunrgy too. So Foot-Foot-Foot suggested one of them goes into the farmer's field and dugs up a carrot. None of the rabbits wanted to do this though because the farmer had a shotgun and wasn't afraid to use it. However Foot-Foot-Foot said that Foot should do it since he was the youngest and therefore quickest. Foot-Foot agreed and Foot was out-voted 2 to 1. So Foot made his way into the field and began to dig up a carrot. Finally after much work he succeed however as he did the farmer came out of his house and saw what Foot was doing. He pulled out his shotgun and start firing at Foot. Luckily Foot managed to escape from the field with the carrot and without being shot. Foot-Foot-Foot, Foot-Foot and Foot ate the carrot and stop feeling hungry. The next day Foot-Foot-Foot said to Foot-Foot and Foot, "I'm feeling rather hungry." Foot-Foot and Foot both agreed that they were feeling hunrgy too. So Foot-Foot-Foot suggested one of them goes into the farmer's field and dugs up a carrot. He said that Foot should do it since he was the youngest and therefore quickest. Foot-Foot agreed and Foot was out-voted 2 to 1. So Foot made his way into the field and began to dig up a carrot. Finally after much work he succeed however as he did the farmer came out of his house and saw what Foot was doing. He pulled out his shotgun and start firing at Foot. Luckily Foot managed to escape from the field with the carrot and without being shot. Foot-Foot-Foot, Foot-Foot and Foot ate the carrot and stop feeling hungry. The next day Foot-Foot-Foot said to Foot-Foot and Foot, "I'm feeling rather hungry." Foot-Foot and Foot both agreed that they were feeling hunrgy too. So Foot-Foot-Foot suggested one of them goes into the farmer's field and dugs up a carrot. He said that Foot should do it since he was the youngest and therefore quickest. Foot-Foot agreed and Foot was out-voted 2 to 1. So Foot made his way into the field and began to dig up a carrot. Finally after much work he succeed however as he did the farmer came out of his house and saw what Foot was doing. He pulled out his shotgun and start firing at Foot. Unfortunately this time Foot's luck had run out and he was killed. The The next day Foot-Foot-Foot said to Foot-Foot and Foot, "I'm feeling rather hungry." Foot-Foot agreed that he was feeling hungry too. So Foot-Foot-Foot suggested one of them goes into the farmer's field and dugs up a carrot. However Foot-Foot did not think this was a good idea. He said to Foot-Foot-Foot, "I don't think we should do that, we already have one Foot in the grave."

 

[Narz]

Hmm, that was an awful lot of reading for that punchline Prez!

 

[Perfection]

So Narz, do I get the money by check or is it a cash?

 

[Narz]

I admire you efforts Perfection but you don't get anything as of yet. The winner gets a check though of course, you think I'd trust the USPS with cash?

 

[Strider]

Things not to say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

--------------

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

---------------

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

----------------

Fun things to do at Wal-Mart:

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

--------------------

A phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood."

"This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

------------------

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

"What catch?" he asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

-------------------

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

 

[china444]

ULTIMATE YO MOMMA JOKE!

Yo mommas hairpits are so hairy it looks like shes got buckwheat in a headlock!

 

[andrewgprv]

I know Your feeling down but just remeber

 

[DiamondzAndGunz]

Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's inside your damn cat

----------------------------------------------------------

Handy Work-Related Phrases

1. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

----------------------------------------------------------

Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.

Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse (i-klips'): What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes (\hee'-rhos): What a guy in a boat does.

Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.

Paradox (par'-u-doks): Two physicians.

Parasites (par'-uh-sites): What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): A helper on the farm.

Primate (pri'-mat): Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief (ree-leef'): What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress (seem'-stres): Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish (sel'-fish): What the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): Bringing litigation against the government.

----------------------------------------------------------

Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the ****oo clock started, and ****ooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I ****ooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she told me that we needed a new ****oo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it ****ooed 3 times, ****ooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, ****ooed another 3 times, farted, then ****ooed twice more and started giggling."

 

[Turner]

One of the funniest things I've ever read. . . .

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/wbam.shtml


WBAM FM Chicago - Mate Match


On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

----

Edit: Found another one. . .Actually, I've seen these both quite a bit, but they still get me lmao.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/speeding.shtml


How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

 

[MrPresident]

Hmm, that was an awful lot of reading for that punchline Prez!

That is why I love the joke so much. It builds and builds and builds and then there is a really rubbish punchline. It's just brilliant.

Things not to say to a cop

Is it true that you lot are all racist, drug-planting, incompetent fools who couldn't catch a real criminal if he walked into the police station with a big sandwich board with neon-flashing words saying 'I am a real criminal. Arrest me you fools!' and spend all your time either sitting around eating high-fat foods or beating hand-cuffed inmates to death?

Or...

I'm sorry I didn't stop early Officer but I thought I could out-run you.

 

[animepornstar]

a kitten has fun:
http://www.knapo.prv.pl/files/kotki