Offended Plutonians Respond by Saying Earth Isn’t a Planet
Deeply angered by the International Astronomical Union’s recent redefinition of the word “planet,” in which Pluto is no longer considered a planet, residents of Pluto have decided to respond in kind. “We have no choice but to no longer consider Earth a planet,” says Osbdjdf Erzonpferowjr, President of the Plutonian Society of Astronomers.
“I’m sick and tired of Earthlings thinking they’re so much better than us,” says Erzonpferowjr. He continued in a mockingly whiny voice, “
Ooooh, look at me, I have opposable thumbs! Ooooh! Yeah, like I give a damn, with my thirty-two opposable organs.”
Earthling astronomers defend their redefinition. “I quite frankly don’t care what the Plutonians say or do,” says Julio Fernández, the scientist chiefly responsible for the new definition. “The fact of the matter is, Pluto is not a planet. Yes, it orbits a star, and yes, it is massive enough for its gravity to balance its pressure gradient force and reach hydrostatic equilibrium, thereby forming a round shape. And yes, it even has intelligent life. But it has not swept away the other objects in its gravitational pull, namely those objects in the Kuiper belt. We cannot consider such an object a planet, lest we start calling fifty-something other bodies in our solar system planets and completely debase the currency of the word ‘planet.’”
Fernández admitted that there being fifty or so planets in the solar system would have little consequence in the astronomical community, but stammered, “Damn-it, I’ve got a five-year-old daughter. She’s going to be making a model of the solar system sooner or later. I don’t want to work with 50 Styrofoam balls, all right? Can’t a man be satisfied with eight?!”
The scientific community of Pluto is largely unwilling to accept Fernández’s reasoning. “If Fernández doesn’t like our hydrostatic equilibrium, he can take it and shove it up his ass,” says Yerlareoj Uewarljefa, a professor of astrophysics at the Pluto Institute of Technology.
Experts are worried that the Pluto-Earth conflict might extend beyond mere verbal slings. Steven Hawking, famed author of
A Brief History of Time, laments, “If we’re not careful, we could have a full-scale inter-orbital war with Pluto. No one is certain what kinds of weapons they have. I’d like to keep things that way.”
Hawking concludes, “The definition of ‘planet’ is, all things considered, every bit as central to the survival or destruction of our species as the definition of ‘human being’ is central to such complex ethical issues as abortion. I can only hope that one day we resolve this.”
I love the one about the dictatorship's name change.
Thank you, sir!
