jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

[Sir John]

You're so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

For those who are not american (like me): 911 is the emergency number... 411 is the information number..

 

[Sir John]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

[Sir John]

"You remind me of a famous movie star."
"Really? Which one?"
"Lassie."

 

[Sir John]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 

[Sir John]

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

 

[Sir John]

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".

 

[Sir John]

Why do birds fly upside down over Iowa?
Because it ain't worth a crap.

 

[Sir John]

''Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?''

''Yes.''

'' Yeah, I thought so.''

 

[Sir John]

Bumper Sticker Sayings


1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

 

[Sir John]

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

 

[Sir John]

Close Enough For Government

3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

 

[Sir John]

A Cruel one:

What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer!

 

[Sir John]

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
(8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''
(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''
(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''
(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''
(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''
(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''
(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''
(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''
(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''
(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''
(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''

 

[Sir John]

What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

 

[Sir John]

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra…

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You’d think I miss it, but I don’t

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some ******* telling you knock, knock jokes. .

 

[Sir John]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

 

[Sir John]

Coming to America

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

 

[Sir John]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I am a congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

 

[Sir John]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

[Sir John]

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.