jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

[Ancient Grudge]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
Yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
The toy... if you explain the kids."

 

[Switch625]

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!" Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[Turner]

There was once a Russian, a Cuban, an American Businessman, and an American Lawyer, riding on the Orient Express.

After a while, the Russian gets thirsty. He takes out a bottle of Fine Russian Vodka, gives everyone a drink, takes one himself, and throws the bottle out the window.

"What are you doing? That's a $40 bottle of Vodka!" shouts the Buisnessman.

The Russian shrugs, and says "In Russia, we have a lot of vodka."

After a while, the Cuban pulls out a Fine Havana Cigar, and gives one to each man. After taking a couple of puffs on it, he throws it out the window.

The Businessman screams "Why did you do that? That was a $20 cigar!"

The Cuban shrugs, says, "In Cuba, we have a lot of Cigars.

The Businessman thinks about this, thinks about what the Russian said, opens the window and throws out the Lawyer.

:rimshot:


Little Johnny was having problems. He was getting kicked out of every school. He would make it a week, two weeks, once a month he went to the same school. Finally, in desperation, they went to the last school in town. St. Leonards Catholic school.

They waited, but nothing happened.

One week, still enrolled. Alright, they said, we can deal with this.

Two weeks, still enrolled. Well, they said, it's happened before.

One month, still enrolled. I don't understand what' going on, they say to each other.

Finally, after two months, they go to his teacher.

"Sister, what's going on with Johnny? How is he doing, really?"

"Well," she said, "Fine, really. He's such a good pupil. So polite."

"Not Johnny! He's been kicked out of every school!"

So they go to the principal. "Sister, how is Johnny doing, really."

"Johnny is doing quite well, really. In fact, we're going to put him on the honor roll he's doing so good."

The parents don't believe it. Well, they say, he could have fooled the sisters. Let's go talk to the priest.

"Father, how is Little Johnny doing?"

"Johnny is a good boy, you should both be proud of him."

"Father, we have a hard time believing that. Johnny got kicked out of school after school for mischievous behaviour. Really, how is he doing?"

"You should be very proud. He is a fine young man. In fact, we're going to make him head alter boy."

The parents just can't believe it. So they go home, and find Johnny.

"Johnny," they say, "What's going on with school."

"I like it, it's fun."

"Johnny," they say, "You've been kicked out of school after school. How come you haven't been kicked out of this one yet?"

"Well," Johnny says, "When I walked into class, that first day, and saw a guy nailed to the post on the wall, I knew they meant business!"

 

[K-Man]

I've heard that last one, but in a different context. The boy was failing math class, and instead of seeing "the main nailed to the post", it was the man "nailed to the plus sign" at the front of the room that got him to smarten up.

 

[Turner]

A Blind man goes into a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Matrix]

"I just met a man who I haven't seen in 20 years!"

"But I just met a man I haven't seen at all before!!"

 

[Fr8monkey]

A man wants to become a monk. He goes to the Monistary and goes to the Abbots office.
"I want to become a monk." he says.
The Abbot replies that a vow of silence is required; but is allowed 2 words every five years.
The man finally gets his robes and 5 years later he goes before the Abbot and says; "Food cold." and is dismissed.
Five years go by. He returns to the office and flatly states; "Bed hard." He is again dismissed.
5 more years go by. He marches in and yells; "I quit!"
The Abbot looks up at him and says; "I'm not surprized, youv'e been complaining since you got here!".

 

[Civanator]

Originally posted by allhailIndia
Hitler and Mussolini die and meet their maker. God asks Hitler first how many wives he had and Hitler replies "one and only one". God is very happy and says, "Excellent you will drive the latest BMW in hell". Hitler is overjpyed.
Mussolini is next and God puts the same question to him. He replies " I was a womaniser and had 6" , with a laugh. God gets angry and tells him" Take this Mini and go to hell!!".

A few years later, on the highways in hell, Mussolini, in his Mini spots Hitler, leaning on his BMW, roaring with laughter. He thinks the joke is on him and confronts Hitler with it. Hitler, wiping his eye replies, "It's not you my dear Duce, but I just saw the Pope whiz by on roller-blades"

I have one like that. Here it goes:

3 men were waiting to get into heaven, and God asks the first one, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"10 times" replies the man

"You get to drive a compact car around heaven, goodbye" god says

God asks the next man, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"4 times" he replies.

"You get to drive a convertable around heaven, goodbye" God says

Then god asks the last man, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"never" replies the man

"That is great, you get the biggest limo in the world with a spa in the back, enjoy."

Well, when that man was driving around heaven, he rolled down his window and watched his wife go down a hill on a skateboard.

 

[Civanator]

ok another one:

A priest is caught in a flood and is on the roof of his church when a man in a rowboat comes and asks, "do you want to be saved?"

The Priest replies "No, I have faith in God."

The water rises, and the priest moves to the steeple, when a man in a motorboat comes and asks, "Do you want to be saved?"

The priest replies, "No, I have faith in God."

The water rises still higher and the priest moves to the top of the steeple, when a man in a helicopter comes and asks, "Do you want to be saved?"

Again the priest says, "No, I have faith in God."

Eventually the water rises over his head and he drowns. In heaven the Priest asks God, "God, why didn't you save me, I had faith in you?"

God Replies, "What are you talking about? I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter."

 

[Civanator]

I have a ton of jokes, here is another:

Three women are waiting to get into heaven, and St. Peter tells them, "there are doves all over the ground, if you step on one you will be chained to an ugly man for eternity."

So the first woman enters heaven and soon steps on a dove and is chained to an ugly man

The second woman goes into heaven and steps on a dove after a couple hours and gets chained to an ugly man

The third woman doesn't step on any doves, but along comes a man with St. Peter and she get's chained to him.

She asks the man, "what is happening?"

The man replies, "I don't know about you, but i stepped on a dove."

Some people might not get it, but i think it is hilarious.

 

[Crimson Sunrise]

Don't hit me for this one.

A Russian, an American, and an Israeli order hamburgers at a diner. The waiter returns and informs them, "Excuse me, we don't have any hamburgers today. There's a shortage of meat." The American says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" The Israeli says, "What's excuse me?"

I didn't make it up. My uncle's Israeli! I have nothing against them.

 

[G-Man]

Do you think Israelis don't know we're impolite? It was our chief weapon when we fought the British

 

[wtiberon]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b**** is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a b**** is nine." His mother
heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

 

[GenghisK]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men...

 

[GenghisK]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....

 

[Civanator]

Originally posted by GenghisK
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....

 

[Sir John]

Its just hillarius...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

 

[Sir John]

Roses are red, violets are blue
I have to puke, when I se you...

O so romantic....... ;D

 

[Sir John]

Things Mama Told Me...

Not to cuss.

Not to cohabitate.

Not to use that language.

Not to go in the first place.

Not to invest in Telecom stocks.

Not to date sluts.

Not to eat with my hands.

Not to drink from the filthy bucket.

Not to train octopi.

Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.

Not to mix plaids and stripes.

Not to wiggle.

Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.

Not to save and collect my empty enemas.

Not to smell my feet.

Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.

Not to lick the poison mushrooms.

Not to unlock the closet.

Not to wear her bras.

Not to “tickle the gator”.

Not to play with the children under the stairs.

Not to juggle the plutonium.

Not to smoke her cigars.

Not to seethe.

Not to let the dogs out, because she’ll know who did it.

Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.

Not to dance dirty.

Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.

Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.

Not to tap on my brother’s iron lung.

Not to take candy from strangers.

Not to let Dad out of the closet.

 

[Sir John]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"