jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

[Sir John]

What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream??


A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.

Not quite good enough Sir John, you must aggregate those mediocre, short, and old as the corn on my feet jokes. Also please shorten you signature to 5 lines. Lefty

 

[Sir John]

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

 

[Sir John]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[Sir John]

Why should I shorten it to five lines?? When did that become a rule??

 

[anarchywrksbest]

Originally posted by Sir John
Why should I shorten it to five lines?? When did that become a rule??

A while now

 

[Lefty Scaevola]

Originally posted by Sir John
Why should I shorten it to five lines?? When did that become a rule??

From the forum rules, link at the botton of the forum page:

"Keep your signature brief.
This forum has a signature feature that allows you to "sign" your posts with a customized block of text. However, large signatures that take up more than 5 lines are not permitted. Everyone would agree that people are much more interested in reading your ideas than looking at your signature. It's annoying to see posts that have signatures that are much bigger than the messages in the post. Please keep your signature brief."

Note: the FAQ at the top in standard information that comes with the VBB. The rules written by the site owner and admin are separate. You should manage to squeese it all into 5 lines, either by deleting a word or two, or by reducing font size.

 

[Sir John]

ok srry... i will do so..

 

[Sir John]

BTW: its a lot of people who have over 5 lines..
for exampel philippe who posts a lot here.. why dont you say that to him to???

 

[Perfection]

Because He uses a small font size

 

[Lefty Scaevola]

Originally posted by Sir John
BTW: its a lot of people who have over 5 lines..
for exampel philippe who posts a lot here.. why dont you say that to him to???

Yes I see now that it is six lines, it shall be reduced.

 

[philippe]

But why does Lzfty only take it on me??????
most of the poeple have more then 5 lines......
guess im the black sheep.

 

[Panda]

Three guys in a bar

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having
a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye
buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir
third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice-a bar, but where I
come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's dis place,
Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drinka, Vincenzo buys you a
drinka. You buy anudda drinka, Vincenzo buys you anudda drinka."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come
from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they
boi you your first drink, dey boi you yer second drink, den dey boi
you yer tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you out de back
and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that
actually happen to you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister"

 

[Civanator]

Originally posted by anarchywrksbest
A Chinese Man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

Bar man asks: "That's interesting where did you get it?"

Parrot says: "China there's bloody millions of them "

That's used alot like this one:

A Black man wlaks in a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The Barkeep asks, "Hey, where'd you get that little fella?"

The parrot says, "I got him in africa, they're runnin all over the place."

 

[Zcylen]

Originally posted by Panda
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice-a bar, but where I
come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's dis place,
Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drinka, Vincenzo buys you a
drinka. You buy anudda drinka, Vincenzo buys you anudda drinka."

I know a italian who speaks the same way, you caught the picture just perfec panda

 

[GenghisK]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95....

 

[GenghisK]

Read on the net...

A Las Vegas Story

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this:
(And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Las Vegas, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh; they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!

Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and dove to the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to actually hit the floor, ma'am."
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed; Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan.

 

[Matrix]

Cool!

How come she didn't recognize Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan?!?

Oh, what a shame that they don't have The Late Show on Dutch TV anymore. (It's about the only good American show. )

 

[col]

That story has been going round for a lot longer than the fame of Michael Jordan and Eddie Murphy. I heard it almost twenty years ago about Sonny Liston with his dog called lady. "hit the floor, lady" and etc...

Urban myth.

 

[Turner]

Originally posted by GenghisK
Read on the net...

A Las Vegas Story

Dude. . .I've heard this story in so many different places with so many different people. . . I think it's just a cool, urban legend type story.

My first g/f's mother told me a simular story with a friend of hers. . . same situation, a woman in an elevator with three black men. They said 'Hit the floor' and she startedscreaming 'Don't rape me, heres my purse please don't hurt me!' They laughed and said 'What floor are you going to.' Embarrased, she hit the floor and ran out of the elevator when the doors opened. When she checked out, there was a note saying 'Thanks for the laugh, lady. Lionel Ritchie' and her bill was paid for.

 

[Matrix]

Ok, but still a cool story.