Zcylen
Moonlight Rambler
those little things can be really nasty
jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!
- Thread starter andyo
- Start date
those little things can be really nasty
Bose
Antipodean
It was Christmas at the Skywalkers and Darth Vader says to Luke "Luke... I know what you got for Christmas"
Luke replies "No you don't Darth"
Darth says "You got a new Lightsabre and a new droid"
"How did you know?" asked Luke
"I felt your presents"
Luke replies "No you don't Darth"
Darth says "You got a new Lightsabre and a new droid"
"How did you know?" asked Luke
"I felt your presents"
Wolfe Tone
Which Way Did He Go?
I just heard that joke today and I was going to post it here, I guess you beat me to it.
Bose
Antipodean
It happens... but thanx for the story anyway
What do you call a Eskimo's house without a toilet?
An Ig
Alex the Great
or maybe just semi-great
Speaking of arctic peoples
Two polar bears are standing on an igloo. It is broken open and one bear says to the other "Man, I just love these things. A cruchy outside with a chewy center."
Two polar bears are standing on an igloo. It is broken open and one bear says to the other "Man, I just love these things. A cruchy outside with a chewy center."
Perfection
The Great Head.
That's a Gary Larson Cartoon!
Bose
Antipodean
Here's a stupid joke that makes drunk girls laugh and mistakenly think you are funny...
Ask them: "What's green and invisible?"
Then put out an open palm and say "This lettuce"
Note: In event of said girl not laughing, do not blame me... girl obviously not drunk enough.
Ask them: "What's green and invisible?"
Then put out an open palm and say "This lettuce"
Note: In event of said girl not laughing, do not blame me... girl obviously not drunk enough.
GenghisK
...
Hehe, a French wisdom says "fille qui rit, a moitie dans ton lit", that means girls who laugh, half way in your bed. Something like that 
Mariusz
happy to go blind
One Indian had a problem: his pennis was way too long. So he went to a Shaman in his village, and asked him for help.
Shaman said: "I can't help you, but I know someone who can. Go west for 7 days, and on 7th day you'll see a hill, on top of it there will be a tree, under the tree there will be a stone.
A troll is sleeping under the stone. Move the stone, wake the troll and ask him to marry you. If he refuses, your pennis will get shorter."
So the Indian went there, found the hill, the tree, and the stone. He moved the stone , woke the troll and asked him to marry him. The troll said "no" and fell asleep again. Indian looks in his pants, and his pennis has actually got shorter, but is still too long.
He did the same thing again, the troll again said "no" and again his pennis got shorter. It was almost as long as the Indian wanted, but he decided wake the troll one last time.
So he woke the troll and asked him to marry him. And the troll said: "No, no, no, and once more No!"
-------------------
-How many skin-heads do you need to screw in a light-bulb?
-Five, one is standing on a chair screwing the bulb, and others are kicking the chair.
--------------------
-How do you call a blonde girl with hair color changed to black?
-Artificial Intelligence.
Shaman said: "I can't help you, but I know someone who can. Go west for 7 days, and on 7th day you'll see a hill, on top of it there will be a tree, under the tree there will be a stone.
A troll is sleeping under the stone. Move the stone, wake the troll and ask him to marry you. If he refuses, your pennis will get shorter."
So the Indian went there, found the hill, the tree, and the stone. He moved the stone , woke the troll and asked him to marry him. The troll said "no" and fell asleep again. Indian looks in his pants, and his pennis has actually got shorter, but is still too long.
He did the same thing again, the troll again said "no" and again his pennis got shorter. It was almost as long as the Indian wanted, but he decided wake the troll one last time.
So he woke the troll and asked him to marry him. And the troll said: "No, no, no, and once more No!"
-------------------
-How many skin-heads do you need to screw in a light-bulb?
-Five, one is standing on a chair screwing the bulb, and others are kicking the chair.
--------------------
-How do you call a blonde girl with hair color changed to black?
-Artificial Intelligence.
GenghisK
...
And if it says yes will it go longer?
yes yes yes yes yessssssssssss
yes yes yes yes yessssssssssss
Yoda Power
✫✫✫✫✫✫✫
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2002
- Messages
- 13,870
Bose
Antipodean
Two chocolate bunnies were sitting on a supermarket shelf when one noticed that the other had the end of it's ears nibbled off. So he turns to the other chocolate bunny and says "I don't mean to be rude, but did you know that you have the end of your ears nibbled off?"
The other bunny replies "What?"
The other bunny replies "What?"
Bose
Antipodean
Police have arrested two kids, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
A duck walks into a store and says, "Got any grapes?" The cashier says, "No. Sorry."
The duck comes back the next day and says, "Got any grapes?" The man says, "I told you no!"
The duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?" The man replies, "NO!!! AND IF YOU COME BACK AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!"
The duck returns saying, "Got any nails?" The man says, "Nope. Sorry" The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The duck comes back the next day and says, "Got any grapes?" The man says, "I told you no!"
The duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?" The man replies, "NO!!! AND IF YOU COME BACK AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!"
The duck returns saying, "Got any nails?" The man says, "Nope. Sorry" The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
I thought that looked familiar. . . .
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?postid=877800#post877800
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?postid=877800#post877800
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Steve Winer
Shock the monkey...
I don't know if this has been posted already, it was on a American commercial.
"I know of only two ugly people, and you are both of them."
"I know of only two ugly people, and you are both of them."
Steve Winer
Shock the monkey...
Edit: double post
America444
Coming Back To Life
a chinese man a japanese man and a blonde are in a sauna. when all of a sudden the chinese man's hand starts beeping and the blonde says, "what's that!?!?"
"it's my cell phone that's implanted in my hand" says the chinese man.
"cool wish i had one of the those" says the blonde. then the japanese man's foot starts vibrating and the blonde asked, "what's that!?!?"
"it's my combination PDA TV built into my foot. when it tells me when the cartoon channel is on that's why it vibrates" says the japanese man.
"WOW i wish i had a foot that tould me when the cartoon channel was on!" says the blonde. so the chinese guy is talking into his hand and the japanese guy is watching the bottom of his foot and the blonde is thinking 'man i need to think of something good' and she leaves for the bathroom and comes back with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of her butt.
"hey nice butt!" says the japanese guy.
"hey you got toilet paper sticking out of your butt!" says the chinese man
"no i don't!" says the blonde "i'm just getting a fax!"
"it's my cell phone that's implanted in my hand" says the chinese man.
"cool wish i had one of the those" says the blonde. then the japanese man's foot starts vibrating and the blonde asked, "what's that!?!?"
"it's my combination PDA TV built into my foot. when it tells me when the cartoon channel is on that's why it vibrates" says the japanese man.
"WOW i wish i had a foot that tould me when the cartoon channel was on!" says the blonde. so the chinese guy is talking into his hand and the japanese guy is watching the bottom of his foot and the blonde is thinking 'man i need to think of something good' and she leaves for the bathroom and comes back with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of her butt.
"hey nice butt!" says the japanese guy.
"hey you got toilet paper sticking out of your butt!" says the chinese man
"no i don't!" says the blonde "i'm just getting a fax!"
TimTheEnchanter
I...am...an Enchanter!
It's actually "...your momma is both of them"
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