Nation Jokes

[America444]

A Japanese man, a Chinese man, and Polish man are in a sauna when the Japanese man's hand starts playing music. The Pole asks the Jap, "Why's you're hand playing music?" and he replies, "I've got a built in radio in the palm of my hand." Then the Chinese guy's foot starts ringing so he puts it to his hear and starts talking to it. The Pole asks, "What's that?" adn the Chinese guy says, "I put a phone into my foot so I never miss a call." The Pole starts to feel stupid and tries to think of a clever gadget for himself. He leaves for the bathroom and returns with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his butt and the Japanese and Chinese say, "Hey you got a piece of toilet paper stuck to your butt." and the Pole replies, "No I don't. I'm just getting a fax."

 

[philippe]

a german a Dutchman and A belgian are in a swimming pool.
then there comes this faerie she says: you may have one wish:
So the Dutch man says:I want the entire pool with wine
So it happens The Dutchman drinks and drinks and gets home drunk
Same with the Belgian but then with beer
And the German wants to be spectacular : he runs to the pool but suddenly he slips out falling on the ground into the pool scraming:SCHEISSE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BassDude726]

Heehee... this is actually real:

Ad campaign for tourism in Hong Kong just before the SARS epidemic:

"Hong Kong. It'll take your breath away."

 

[Serutan]

A Pole was asked : "If your country was attacked simultaneously by
German and Russia, how would you fight?"

Without the slightest hesistation, the Pole replied, "First, we would fight
the Germans, then the Russians".

Questioner : "Why"

Pole : "Business before pleasure"

 

[Cullyn]

The Pope and the Queen were standing on a balcony in front of thousands of people.


The Queen turns to the Pope and says "I bet you I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."


So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their Union Jacks and cheering, basically going balistic.


So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,


"I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."


The Queen goes "No way, can't be done."


So the Pope headbutts her.

 

[Cullyn]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a
famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch..
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

 

[Johann MacLeod]

So anyway these two Irishmen leave a pub.... it could happen.

 

[Serutan]

... on the castaway joke. Extra nationalities in this one, and they aren't
rescued.

In a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 English men and 1 English woman
- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
- 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
- 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
- 2 American men and 1 American woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands
in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

-One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage-a-trois.

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.

- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

-The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

-The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in
order to supply employees for their store.

-The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body,
the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do,
the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they
do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how
at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

-The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the
English aren't having any fun.

 

[blindside]

HAHA! There was another version of that joke but this one was better. I especially like the last sentence.

-----

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

------

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

 

[Johann MacLeod]

...so anyway there was and Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman in a pub. All 3 order a Guiness and subsequently a fly lands in each. The Englishman is just disgusted by this, pushes his beer away and leaves, sickened. The Scotsman just sort of flicks the fly away without caring. The Irisman glared at the fly, grabbed it by the wings and shouted "ALLLRIGHT!! I SAW YA TAKE A BIT!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

 

[Gnarfflinger]

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".

Our version is talking about Canada, and dumping on the Americans...

 

[Gnarfflinger]

Q: What's the first phrase an American learns in a foreign language?

A: Don't Shoot! I'm Canadian!

 

[Pariah]

... on the castaway joke. Extra nationalities in this one, and they aren't rescued.

Yeah! Mine was the original castaway joke in this thread - but I'm going to have to remember your extended version, especially the American part! Thanks.

 

[MjM]

A American man, a Mexican man, and a Chinese man are all on a little boat.

It begins to sink, so they each throw something overbord.

The Mexican takes some beans and says "I have enough of this in my country" and throws it over.

The Chinese takes some rice and says "I have enoguh of this in my country" and throws it over.

The American picks up the Mexican and says "I have enough of this in my country" and throws him over.

 

[Serutan]

A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans are riding in a train.

The Russian pulls a bottle of vodka out of his jacket, takes a swig, and
throws it out the window. He says, "In my country, good vodka is so plentiful,
we can affort to take just one drink from a bottle, and throw it away".

The Cuban pulls a cigar out of his jacket, lights it, takes one drag, and throws it
out the window. He says, "In my country, good cigars are so plentiful, we can
affort to take just one drag off one, and throw it away."

One of the Americans grabs the other one, and throws him out the window.
He says, "In my country, lawyers are so plentiful, we can afford to use them
just once, and throw them away".

 

[Pariah]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America.....are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.....do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America.....do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do they use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poll' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[MaisseArsouye]

We have lots of jokes about flemishs Sorry if the translation is not real good english...

This is a belgian scientific study :

Flemishs drink more alcohol than Japaneses and have more cardiac problems BUT Frenchmen drink more alcohol than flemish and have less cardiac problems.

Flemishs eat fatter than Japaneses and have more cardiac problems BUT Frenchmen eat fatter then Flemishs and have less cardiac problems.

Conclusion : eat and drink wathever you want and as many as you want. It's speaking dutch that kills !

 

[Chukchi Husky]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are riding in a Jeep across the desert, when it then breaks down. They decide to salvage it.
The Englishman takes the water container, to carry water.
The Scotsman takes the petrol container and empties it, to carry water.
The Irishman takes the door, so when it gets hot, he can wind down the window.

An one man plane crashes in an Irish cemetary. They have found over a hundred bodies and are still looking for the pilot.

An Irishman walks into an igloo and is asked to put his things in the corner.

 

[KoRnEa]

i'm not sure if this belongs here or the funny pics thread..

 

[Dann]

What? I don't get it.