SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you
are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal
days a year. For the selcet few that work bankers hours here,
they are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at
the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25, with the exception of all white
male employees over the age of 18, who get none.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an
excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is
your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose
names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they
need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take
a diet pill.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should
be directed to Fathead, who will take immediate, direct,and persuasive
action to have you teminated immediately.
Have a nice week.
Management
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you
are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal
days a year. For the selcet few that work bankers hours here,
they are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at
the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25, with the exception of all white
male employees over the age of 18, who get none.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or
coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an
excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is
your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose
names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they
need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take
a diet pill.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should
be directed to Fathead, who will take immediate, direct,and persuasive
action to have you teminated immediately.
Have a nice week.
Management
