Roleplaying Challenge: Dubya

[slobberinbear]

Round 4: to 1320 A.D.

"Give 'em hell boys," Dubya said, teeing off from the box of the 11th hole on the Burning J Ranch.

"You may want to stop playing golf during the war to show you're in solidarity with the troops," Rove whispered.

"Good point, Karl. Nothing says that I'm in lockstep with the nation like giving up golf."

"Spanish are counterattacking Atlanta," Petraeus warned.

"Well Dave, push 'em out. Can't have them illegals swarmin' the borders like that."

"Our troops are all engaged in the destruction of Valencia."

"Hey. I'm the Decider here. Get them back over to Atlanta and stop them illegals!"

"They overran Atlanta?" Dubya asked, incredulous.

"Just a temporary battlefield negative outcome," Petraeus intoned.

"Now that we're at war, are we gonna train some soldiers around here?"

"That is the eventual plan, sir, as soon as we finish these monasteries and Freedom Labor Force Involuntary Volunteers ..."

"But .."

"The plan is to infiltrate our kosher operatives into the heart of the Spain, to win the hearts and minds of the Spanish People," Big Dick interrupted.

"So that our overall Shock and Awe attack will overwhelm them," Petraeus agreed.

"Just give those rabbis some armor and a blade, Dave. I don't want them goin' into battle with the illegals with nuthin' but a briss knife."

"We need to learn how to ride horses into battle, sir," Chertoff explained.

"But ... we don't have any horses around here! Unless you count Al's wife ... just kiddin' Al."

"Don't worry about the lack of mounts, Mr. President," Petraeus chimed in. "We're working on an all-longhorn cavalry regiment presently."

"That'll be the finest tasting regiment ever fielded," Big Dick said hungrily.

"Great job on takin' back Atlanta, Dave."

"Thank you Mr. President, but we're now looking at New York."

"Great town. Strong baseball teams."

"The Spanish have ten corps headed there, through the northern jungles."

"Not on my watch! Get some men over there. And Petraeus, I want you personally involved."

"Whooo hooo!" Dubya cheered.

"Yessir, the Spanish have been driven out," the general said.

"Who are you?"

"Powell, sir. Petraeus' replacement here."

"Well get out there and join him. Tell Petraeus it's next stop, Tijuana!"

"Madrid, Mr. President," Rove whispered.

"Whatever."

Spoiler :

The war started going much better, as all of the cities were building troops per the military advisor, a mix of swords and axes with the occasional spear and archer. I rarely was forced to build a worker or building. I should have warred sooner!

I got two great generals. Petraeus is an uber-swordsman and Powell is a healing axeman (I had no spearmen at the time to make him a spear medic).

After we finished HBR, here were our choices.

Yes, we weren't starting researching writing until 1100 A.D. I don't think I've ever seen FEWER tech choices so early in the game ... once that finished, I started on Alphabet (it was a tossup between that and sailing, growth and science advisor stuff)

"So this is good stuff, eh Winnie?"

Churchill nodded silently, filling his pipe.

"Done. We don't need this northern stone anyway."

"Hey! I thought we were pals, Sal!"

"May the crotch of your mother be infested with the fleas of a thousand camels!"

"I think ol' Isabella will be singin' a new tune the next time ol' Georgie comes calling."

"Damn straight," Big Dick agreed.

"Get Dave and Powell over to Chicago. We need those pork rinds!"

Spoiler :

At this point, I decided in the interest of keeping the game going, that we had punished Spain enough. This is a slight change to the rules, though we had made her submit.

"Good news and bad news, Mr. President."

"Gimme the good news, Mikey. Damn," he cursed, landing in the sandtrap near the treacherous 8th green.

"We have retaken Chicago."

"About time. Give the men a full ration of beer and brisket, and send those Spanish honeys over to show 'em a good time."

"The bad news, sir. The Arabian main assault force approaches."

Spoiler :

Yes, the AI all have most of the medieval war techs on me. *gulp* As the worker force (it was obscenely large now) had been finally chopping and cottaging, the slider was still hovering in the 20% range. The only way I could catch up on techs was to take them as spoils of war, since nobody wanted to trade and my advisors wouldn't build a spy.

 

[Zanttu]

This is really entertaining to read, thank you for that. BTW, you have posted wrong screenshot in the first spoiler. You're doing ok I guess, hope you can fend off the arabian assault.. Can't wait for the next update!

 

[slobberinbear]

This is really entertaining to read, thank you for that. BTW, you have posted wrong screenshot in the first spoiler. You're doing ok I guess, hope you can fend off the arabian assault.. Can't wait for the next update!

Thank you, and fixed.

 

[PaulusIII]

Thank you, and fixed.

Let's just hope Big Dick will finally advise Dubya to build some spearmen to ward off the Arabs... and let's just hope Dubya has a proper exit strategy for the war against Arabia. Oh no wait, it wasn't that Dubya.

Everybody who follows advisers and automates workers should be redirected to this particular game.

 

[IronCrown]

I'm surprised that Saladin is attacking with mostly chariots and cats in 1300 AD, in a Monarch game. That's pretty weak.

 

[kazapp]

I'm surprised that Saladin is attacking with mostly chariots and cats in 1300 AD, in a Monarch game. That's pretty weak.

Perhaps he too is following his advisors...

 

[Frankthetank]

They likely purchased our latest releases from Lockhead/Martin and other defense contractors instead of researching their own.

 

[slobberinbear]

My guess is that these are Sal's obsolete units. I'll be seeing the good stuff shortly, including camel archers, pikes, and trebs.

 

[sylvanllewelyn]

I'm totally shocked that you are still alive at this point, by playing like the AI. Like, wow.

 

[slobberinbear]

I'm totally shocked that you are still alive at this point, by playing like the AI. Like, wow.

Well, I am in control of the military and the whip. That counts for something.

But it's 1320 A.D. and I don't have currency, code of laws, construction, or calendar. Let alone ANY of the medieval war techs. Fortunately, I have alphabet, so I may be able to get techs through trades/force, or steal them if the AI would just build a spy.

 

[IronCrown]

Hm... you're right! Doesn't that mean that players who lose on Warlords are actually playing a lot weaker than they would if they just did what the computer tells them? That's quite a shocking thought.

 

[Bostock]

Well, the computer, for all its stupidity, at least knows the rules to its own game. A warlords player, for all their intelligence, doesn't necessarily know the rules yet.

 

[Jaaboo]

Yeah when I first started playing I played like this (well not quite AS slavish to the advisors as Dubya, but I did automate my workers *shame*), but it was easier to avoid war at the lower difficulties. I played 'land grab' often when I played on Chieftain and Warlord. *cry*

This is a hilarious game to read though. Glad to see even the O.G. Dubya gave up golf for solidarity of the troops. Gotta keep those presidential traditions alive boyos.

 

[noto2]

This is the most entertaining thread ever. Please keep it up

 

[civ4legs]

Hm... you're right! Doesn't that mean that players who lose on Warlords are actually playing a lot weaker than they would if they just did what the computer tells them? That's quite a shocking thought.

Don't forget that the AI controlled Civs are getting LOTS of bonuses that the American Civ is not getting in this game...

 

[Lekdevil.NL]

Dear Mr. President,

We, the League of Business Leaders Organized Against Taxation (BLOAT) are quite dismayed with the current state of affairs regarding the war effort. Not only do we see our lands pillaged by foreign invaders, we do so with the knowledge that none of our troops are provided by our illustrious free market corporations!

Why squander our money on inefficient Department of Defense bureaucrats when our finest mercenaries guns for hire Private Military Companies can give you so much more bang for the buck?

In order to turn the tide of battle and to ensure the continued growth of our economy, we present you with our three shining stars on the military business firmament:

• Executive Downfalls, Inc. ("Toppling Evil Regimes Since 1989"),
• Bluewater Inc. ("When The Only Answer You Need Is Silence")
• Dyn-no-mo' Corp. ("Relegating Evil Dictators To The Realms Of History -- Rapidly")

Together, these fine examples of free enterprise will deliver the best shock and awe that public money can buy.

But, you might ask, what about the lands we are about to liberate? How can the free markets reign there when our glorious corporate liberators have shocked and awed everything to rubble?

Well, fear not, Mr. President. In this special one-time offer, we will provide you with the services of our most valued Liberation Reconstruction corporations: Hechtel, Corp. ("We Build Stuff Like There's No Tomorrow -- Where We Go There Usually Isn't") and Balliburton, Inc. ("You Bring The Food, We Bring The Energy"). Our package deal now features a 50% discount on all oilfield restoration projects. A real bargain considering our current war with Arabia, wouldn't you say?

All this can be yours for just a few billion dollars of taxpayer money, and the formality of signing a few no-bid contracts -- a great deal, since we all know that these funds would otherwise just be wasted on inefficient government bureaucracy and $10.000 toilet seats.

So don't delay, Mr. President. Call now! Our operators are standing by.

Sincerely,
The League of BLOAT.

 

[Khan Quest]

This is the funniest challenge I've read!

Maybe you do follow games with Join McSurge and Barracks O-drama.

Join McSurge: All troops but one per city are sent into enemy lands during war.

Barracks O-drama: Always end wars at the earliest opportunity; Withdraw half of all deployed troops after five turns.

 

[NintendoTogepi]

Wonderful, best challenge ever.

 

[Crunchtime]

Political satire and Civ IV? I think I've died and gone to heaven. This is one funny read and I'm enjoying it quite a bit. It does go to show how stupid the AI can be though. The recommendations are horrible.

Is it just me or did the AI suggest an all out REx? Scout *everything*, colonize colonize colonize until you bleed at 0% taxes, a massive worker force and to hell with the military. I don't think i ever want to look at AI suggestions again.

 

[slobberinbear]

Round 5: to 1400 A.D.

"That's right Izzie. We're takin' it to ol' Camel Head. You feel my power, doncha?"

"I am feeling your hand on my leg!" she said, slapping it away.

"Touchy touchy. More sangria, mi corazon?" Dubya cooed boozily.

"What would your wife say?"

"Mmmfph?" he said, swigging the bottle.

"We need to discuss your filthy American religion. Convert to Buddhism and we can talk."

"Shure!"

"We're at war, and you want to train another group of Irradiated Rectum Excavators?" Dubya asked, holding an ice pack to his head.

"The Arabs won't suspect a thing," Big Dick said, rubbing his hands together. "While they're expecting us to build up our army, instead we plan on sending these liberals into the unexplored northern wasteland."

"It's a brilliant political move too. Get all those BLOAT people out of Washington!" Rove added lustily.

"Ow! Keep the noise, down Karl. My head is killing me."

"Sangria, Mr. President."

"Yeah, that and First Lady's shoe. Ow!"

"Where's Dave sendin' the Army, Mikey?"

"Yamama."

*SMACK*

"Come again, Homeland boy?" Dubya said, hefting his 3 iron for another strike.

Spoiler :

I ended up keeping Yamama, which turned out to be a good thing.

"It's really easy when you get the hang of it, Izzy," Dubya said, hoisting her by the rear onto the back of the Longhorn steer.

"Where do you hold the lance?"

"Just kinda lay it over the horns. Helps you brace it for better aim. They don't move fast, but they pack a wallop!"

"I hear ol' Sally has some new weapons."

"Yes, Mr. President. Crossbows. Pikes. Camel Archers."

"I'll tell you what he's missing though. He's missing the American spirit. Determination. And a love for slow-smoked beef. You just can't replace that, Ash," Dubya said, misty-eyed. "Dave'll get 'em."

Spoiler :

Saladin ended up attacking from the position in the first screenie above, losing nearly all of his stack ... we lost one unit and retreated to Chicago to heal. Money was starting to be a major concern. I did this deal with Izzy just to get some shekels in the coffers:

"Tell Dave to stop pussyfootin' around and go knock some Arab heads," Dubya said, waggling the club head behind the ball.

"Damn straight," Big Dick said.

"And make sure those liberals are on the front lines. Fore!"

"Come back to the Burnin' J with Lonesome Georgie," he slurred, arm around the Spanish Queen.

"Can't I just pay you off instead?"

"YES!" Greenspan and Big Dick shouted in unison.

"General Petraeus' message, Mr. President," Ashcroft said.

"Read it to me. Havin' a hard time focusing through the black eye. Ow!"

"He says he is concerned about superior Arab firepower."

"Hey, I'm the Decider here, Ash. What about the hearts and minds? What about Shock and Awe? What about good old fashioned American asskickery?"

"You can't argue with that," Big Dick said.

"Look, you tell Dave that I wouldn't be Commander in Chief if I didn't send our best and brightest to face an uncertain, violent fate on foreign soil. It's the American way. It's how we do things."

Spoiler :

We couldn't hold Aden, and we needed the cash, so I razed it. We lost 2/3 of our stack taking the city, but I was trying to hurt Saladin enough to get a peace treaty.

"Saladin says he'll take peace for Yamama," Chertoff said.

"That's it, Mikey!" Dubya leapt out of his chair and had to be restrained by the rest of the advisors.

"We'll take the deal," Big Dick yelled to Ashcroft through the mayhem.

Spoiler :

Ok, it was another slight rules tweak, but we just gave him back one of his cities. The homeland was intact and we razed one of his cities and kept afloat.