Sketches

[MrPresident]

Here is a thread for you to showcase (nice word) your sketches to the world...civfanatics forum world that is...not a very big world I admit but still a world. Well, here goes.

The Narrator



Guy A: “Did you hear that?”



Guy B: “Hear what?”



Narrator: There was a sudden cracking noise similar to that produced when a foot is pressed down on a fallen twig.



Guy A: “That!”



Guy B: “What was that?”



Guy A: “I don’t know.”



Guy B: “It sounded like a foot being pressed down on a fallen twig.”



Guy A: “That was exactly what I was thinking.”



Narrator: “Same here.”



Guy B: “Who are you?”



Narrator: “The narrator.”



Guy A: “The who?”



Narrator: “Narrator. I am the one who narrates your story for the readers.”



Guy B: “Well what are you doing in the story?”



Narrator: “It is not fun being the narrator. You don’t get any of the fame. No one ever remembers the narrator.”



Guy A: “If you hate being a narrator so much why don’t you quit?”



Narrator: “I can’t. My wife would never let me. She says I have to have a job with a steady salary. Think of the kids she says.”



Guy A: “If you don’t want to be a narrator, what do you want to be?”



Narrator: “A squirrel.”



Guy A: “Excuse me?”



Narrator: “A squirrel.”



Guy B: “It sounds like you are saying a squirrel.”



Narrator: “I am.”



Guy A: “Why would you want to be a squirrel?”



Narrator: “They are majestic creatures. Running from tree to tree in search of nuts for the winter…”



Guy B: “Yes but there is a slight problem with you being a squirrel.”



Narrator: “What’s that?”



Guy B: “You are a human.”



Narrator: “So?”



Guy A: “You kind of lack the necessary attributes to be a squirrel.”



Narrator: “I don’t understand.”



Guy A: “Well, humans don’t have the same tree-climbing ability of a squirrel.”



Narrator: “I could learn.”



Guy A: “Yes I suppose you could.”



Guy B: “Okay what about your lack of a bushy tale?”



Narrator “I can grow one.”



Guy B: “Grow one?”



Narrator: “Yes.”



Guy A: “You can’t grow a tail.”



Narrator: “Why not?”



Guy A: “It is physically impossible.”



Narrator “They said the same thing about the man who wanted to grow an elephant trunk.”



Guy B: “And he couldn’t.”



Narrator: “Yes but that is not the point.”



Guy A: “What is the point?”



Narrator: “The point is that I can grow a tale if I put my mind to it.”



Guy B: “That is a pretty stupid point.”



Narrator: “Don’t call my points stupid.”



Guy B: “What else should I call a point that says a man can grow a tale?”



Narrator: “You may disagree with me but there is no need to resort to name-calling.”



Guy B: “If I can’t ridicule a man who thinks he can grow a tail then I don’t know if you can ridicule anyone.”



Narrator: “Why would you want to ridicule someone?”



Guy A: “Comedy.”



Narrator: “Comedy?”



Guy A: “Yes, making people laugh.”



Narrator: “Never heard of it.”



Guy B: “Where you from?”



Narrator: “Germany originally.”



Guy B: “That explains it.”



Narrator: “Explains what?”



Guy A: “You don’t know what comedy is. You are from Germany. Do we need to spell it out?”



Narrator: “You are ridiculing Germany?”



Guy B: “I suppose in a way.”



Narrator: “How do you sleep at night?”



Guy B: “Face down, why?”



Narrator: “Part of my tax form.”



Guy A: “Really? You still fill in your own tax form?”



Narrator: “Yes, don’t you?”



Guy A: “No. No one does any more. You just fill in your personal details and then send the tax form to the government and they sort it out for you.”



Narrator: “Doesn’t that mean they can charge you pretty much any amount of tax that they want.”



Guy B: “Yes. But government abuse of personal freedom is a lot easier than filling it in by yourself.”



Narrator: “The moral of this story is this, don’t let your comedy writing team look out the window when they should be working. It leads to rushed stories that make no sense, that aren’t funny and invariably involve squirrels in some way.”



Guy A: “That was pretty good; I don’t know why you would want to give up narrating.”

 

[puglover]

That's hillarious Mr President! One of the best jokes in the Humor and Jokes section!

 

[G-Man]

 

[MrPresident]

Two Guys And A Tall Building.
Caution: This contains possibly offensive words and jokes about God. Also I think at one point there is a word that if you rearrange the letters it would become a naked lady.


There was a man sitting on the ledge of a tall building.



Man: I’m going to jump! Don’t try to stop me!



Guy: Go ahead.



Man: Excuse me?



Guy: I said go ahead.



Man: Shouldn’t you be trying to stop me from jumping?



Guy: No, you’re thinking of the other guy. I’m here to encourage you to jump.



Man: What?



Guy: You know how there is a good angel and a bad angel?



Man: Yeah.



Guy: Well there is a guy who stops people from jumping and there is a guy who encourages them.



Man: And you encourage them?



Guy: Yep.



Man: Why?



Guy: It’s God’s way of keeping the number of stockbrokers down.



Man: That’s a pretty stupid reason.



Guy: He’s a pretty stupid God.



Man: You can’t say that.



Guy: Why not?



Man: They’ll never let us broadcast it.



Guy: I don’t know the BBC is pretty liberal nowadays. They broadcast that show about giant killer arses (not sure if I can use that word...oh well).



Man: What show?



Guy: You know, there was an accident a nuclear power plant and several giant killer arses were created. They proceeded to terrorise the local area by sucking people up inside their rectums (medical term).



Man: Are you sure the BBC broadcast this show?



Guy: Come to think of it I might not have seen it on the telly.



Man: Anyway as I was saying you’ll never be allowed to say that about God.



Guy: Why?



Man: Think of the mail we’ll get.



Guy: We always get mail.



Man: Yeah but this will be from religious nuts.



Guy: What’s the difference between religious nuts and normal nuts?



Man: The religious nuts think they are doing what God tells them to do.



Guy: And the normal nuts?



Man: I’m sorry.



Guy: The normal nuts, who do they think is telling them what to do?



Man: The voices in their heads.



Guy: That doesn’t sound much of a difference.



Man: Let me put it this way, would you rather listen to, the voice in your head or God?



Guy: Would it be a female voice?



Man: Okay, I going to have to stop this sketch right now.



Guy: Why?



Man: It has gotten too silly.



Guy: No it hasn’t.



Man: What are you talking about? Killer giant arses? Calling God stupid?



Guy: That’s nothing. The writers next door are writing a sketch about a stealth fighter pilot being trapped in an underground cave with two of the three tenors, the people who write the Oxford English Dictionary (Hi guys, told you I could get you into one of my sketches), and a crate full of table salt, three melons and a hyperactive Irish settler.



Man: That’s pretty ****ed (definitely couldn't use that one) up.



Guy: It just goes to show you silliness is all relative.



Man: Like intelligence.



Guy: Hey that reminds me. Are you coming with us to America next week?



Man: No, I have a doctor’s appointment.



Guy: Can’t you reschedule?



Man: Yeah but three years from today I have a dentist appointment.



Guy: Too bad.



Man: Yeah.



Guy: So where were we?



Man: You were trying to convince me to jump.



Guy: Oh yeah, go on its not that far. You might survive.



Man: Is that the best you can do?



Guy: Yeah sorry my heart isn’t really in it.



Man: Why not?



Guy: I got passed over for promotion last week.



Man: Really?



Guy: Yeah, you see that really tall building over there? Well they gave it to a 25-year-old. There doesn’t seem to be any room in the encouraging people to jump off building business for an old relic like me.



Man: Don’t say that. I’m sure you are just as good, even better, than anyone else in this business.



Guy: Really?



Man: Sure, why the hell not. What you need to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself, stand up on your feet and convince me to jump off this building.



Guy: You’re right. I’m not that old. I have my whole career ahead of me. I’m going to do it.



Man: That’s the spirit.



Guy: You know your newly married wife?



Man: Yeah?



Guy: She’s having an affair.



Man: What?



Guy: With your brother and best friend.



Man: Those people born out of wedlock.



Guy: And that stock you just put all your money into.



Man: Yeah?



Guy: It has collapsed. The company had been cooking the books for the past ten years.



Man: Oh my God.



Guy: And your dog was run over.



Man: No little poochie.



Guy: Yes little poochie.



Man: Oh God. [Starts crying]



Guy: There is nothing left for you here. Go ahead jump. Put yourself out of your misery. Just jump. It’s only one small step and then it’s all over.



Man: Just a small step?



Guy: Just a small step.



Man: It’s not like I have anything to live for.



Guy: Nothing.



Man: You’re right. I’m going to do it. Good job by the way, very convincing.



Guy: Thanks. If you want my advice don’t shout aagh on your way down.



Man: What should I shout?



Guy: I don’t know. Something memorable



Man: Memorable? Okay I got it. It has been nice talking to you.



Guy: You too. Good luck.



Man: Thank you.



[Man does a running jump off the building]



Man: I’m Gayyyyy!



Guy: Interesting choice.



[Massive thump]



Guy: Ouch! This job never gets any easier.



[Another man appears out of the roof door]



Guy: Hey you, have you ever thought about jumping?

 

[puglover]

Guy: Hi there! I'm Guy and this is my show!

[fat man stumbles in]

Guy: Hey! What are you doing here this is my show!

Fatty: So?

Guy: I have rights! One of them is if I have a show nobody can interfere!

Fatty: But Mr Network Guy said MY show comes on at 6:00!

Guy: It's 2:30!

Fatty: I can rehearse can't I?

Guy: What is your show anyway?

Fatty: Star Wars

Guy: Star Wars?

Fatty: Yes Star Wars. I play Darth Vader

Guy: You? Darth Vader?

Fatty: Yeah! You want to hear me breathe?

[Fatty makes a pathetic Darth Vader breathing impersonation]

Guy: I've seen Star Wars and you are nothing like Darth Vader!

Fatty: But I'm Darth Vader's clone!

Guy: Huh?

Fatty: We're making a new Star Wars. And Darth Vader gets cloned!

Guy: What about Han Solo?

Fatty: Who?

Guy: Han Solo! The pilot of the Millenium Falcon!

Fatty: Falcon's are an endangered species! He can't pilot them!

Guy: They aren't endangered they're just threatend!

Fatty: No. There are just a few Peregrine falcons left and they live in the Sahara Desert

Guy: No they don't! The Sahara Desert was where the Americans attacked Nazi North Africa!

Fatty: Not so.

Guy: Yeah huh!

Fatty: North Africa is in Asia!

Guy: Where did you hear that?

Fatty: Civ 3!

Guy: But that's imaginary!

Fatty: No it isn't! Like Santa! He's real. Just people THINK he isn't!

Guy: What are you? A conspiracy therorist?

Fatty: Yeah! It's my career!

Guy: Oh brother! You and me are like apples and oranges!

Fatty: Milk and Chocolate!

Guy: No! Apples and Oranges!

Fatty: Oats and Grain!

Guy: I QUIT!!!! I'M GONNA MAKE MY SHOW ELSEWHERE!!!!

[Guy runs screaming out of the studio.]

Fatty: Ahem. Hi folks! And welcome to Star Wars Remake!

 

[MrPresident]

I think you forgot the funny.

 

[puglover]

What do you mean?


No offense I don't want to start a flame war but I think that last one you made was more sad than funny.

 

[MrPresident]

What do you mean?

I didn't find it funny, sorry.

I think that last one you made was more sad than funny.

Sad? I didn't even think of that...interesting...

 

[Hitro]

Yeah flame each other about who's more funny!

That'll certainly produce funny elements.

 

[Aphex_Twin]

This reminds me of Antoine de Saint Exupery's "Little Prince". The style is very similar... Innocent and straightforward, yet funny...

 

[MontyPythonRule]

Brilliant!

 

[puglover]

Which one?

 

[MontyPythonRule]

Which one?

The first one.

 

[MrPresident]

If you ever wondered how, where and why I came up with the whole giant radioactive monkey concept then wait no longer and read the following;

Animal Experimentation

“So, what have you created professor?”

“Giant radioactive monkeys.”

“Giant radioactive monkeys?”

“Yes, giant radioactive monkeys.”

“Why giant radioactive monkeys?”

“Well after creating a small cheese-eating pig, giant radioactive monkeys seemed the next logical step.”

“I see. And exactly how giant are the giant radioactive monkeys?”

“You know King Kong?”

“Not personally.”

“You should, nice fellow. Well imagine him having a child with a giant radioactive monkey. Are you imagining it?”

“Yes.”

“Horrible isn’t it?”

“Yep.”

“I mean the sheer logistics of King Kong and a giant radioactive monkey having se…”

“Professor!”

“Yes?”

“You seemed to have gone off on a tangent.”

“I have? Sorry, I do that occasionally. I start talking about giant radioactive monkeys then it moves onto King Kong having se…”

“Professor!”

“Yes?”

“How about answering the question?”

“There was a question?”

“Yes. It was how giant are the giant radioactive monkeys?”

“On a scale of giantness they are an eight. That goes up to a nine if you count their wings.”

“They have wings?”

“Of course.”

“So they can fly?”

“Unfortunately nope.”

“Why?”

“Well you see the genetic material for the wings comes from a fruit fly.”

“They have fruit fly wings?”

“Giant radioactive fruit fly wings.”

“There is something that bothers we about this project Professor.”

“What’s that?”

“Why make the giant radioactive monkeys, radioactive?”

“How else would you make them giant?”

“Stretch them?”

“We tried that but the animal rights people were all over us.”

“They don’t mind you making the monkeys radioactive?”

“Oh they mind, it’s just that the monkeys simply eat them now.”

“Well, that’s lucky.”

“Not really.”

“Why?”

“They don’t seem to like the taste of taxmen.”

“That’s a pity.”

“I know, imagine the market for giant radioactive taxmen-eating monkeys.”

“Indeed. So will you be working on a future model which does eat taxmen?”

“No, we thought about doing that but the moral implications were considered too high.”

“By moral implications do you mean mass-murder?”

“No, I mean forcing the monkeys to eat tax-men.”

“Ahh…that is a moral problem.”

“We just couldn’t do it to the monkeys.”

“I understand. So what is your next project?”

“My next project is to create a squirrel capable of playing Beethoven’s 9th symphony.”

"Why the 9th?”

“We have found that the 9th is the easiest of the symphonies for the squirrels to play.”

“Are you having much luck?”

“Not at the moment, the squirrels seem to prefer gangster rap.”

“Are they any good?”

“The majority aren’t but one or two are showing promise. If they developed at the rate they are developing then we are hopeful we can have a single out by Christmas.”

“Well a gangsta rapping squirrel sounds like the material for Christmas number one. [Turns to camera] So that is it from me, Bill Ijustfarted, at the genetic experimental labs in the Liverpool Street London Underground station.”

 

[philippe]

Very funny especially the nrp ones

 

[puglover]

THAT was funny!

 

[MrPresident]

Gaining My Religion

“I believe in a vengeful God.”

“Why is that?”

“God created humans, didn’t he?”

“God also created dung-beetles.”

“He has a sense of humour.”

“I suppose that would explain the platypus.”

“So, do you want to join my religion?”

“What would I have to do?”

“Nothing.”

“No sort of church service?”

“Nope, I figured God is everywhere and so you can worship him anywhere you want and at anytime you want.”

“How do you worship?”

“You don’t.”

“You don’t worship?”

“I figured that God is like this really powerful thing and so doesn’t need us lowly humans saying how great he is.”

“What about prayers?”

“Useless, God can’t interfere with the universe.”

“It’s not much of a religion, is it?”

“He’s not much of a God.

“In fact the only thing separating your religion from atheism is a belief in a higher power.”

“To be honest I am considering phasing out that belief.”

“So it’s not really a religion at all.”

“It must be. It ends in ism.”

“Not all isms are religions.”

“Yeah they are it’s just we don’t call them all religions. Capitalism is the worship of capital. Communism is the worship of communes. Vegetarianism is the worship of vegetables. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the worship of long words. Think about it.”

“Do I have too?”

“Not if you join my religion.”

“Okay I’ll give it a go. Where do I sign?”

“Nowhere. We don’t believe in signatures.”

“That’s a little unusual.”

“You have to have a gimmick.”

“Yes, yes you do.”