Suleiman's Harem

[Flouzemaker]

Hello, there!
Officially, this story is a sequel to Gilgamesh's Court, although you don't need to have read it to "enjoy" this one.

Our hero:
Suleiman the Magnificent, Sultan of the Ottomans

Difficulty: Prince
Map: Big & Small, Small, Low Sea Level, Rocky, 8 opponents.
Other notes:
- Diplomatic victory disabled.
- Though the AI can, Suleiman can't win a Cultural victory (That's how I won 12 of my 13 BTS games).

Welcome back, Gilgamesh- Err, I mean Suleiman!

Thank you Spirit of Random Events! Got a mirror? I want to know what I look like.

It's 4000 BC. Mirrors haven't been invented yet.

Dang it! Do I look like a goat?

No.

Alright! Excellent! I probably look better than I used to, then! Where's my council?

You called, Suly, honey?

Hey, there! Um... who are you?

I'm Roxolana, your wife! I'm also your domestic adviser.

Did you accidentally say your were my wife?

I did, but not accidentally, honey.

It's just that... you're not ugly. With my usual luck, I would have imagined that I'd be stuck tying the knot with some barnyard animal of some kind. It's... I'm surprised, that's all. I really didn't think I'd ever land a good looking wife!

Why thank you honey! But I'm sure our readers would be grateful if we were only intimate in our private quarters.

Readers? Oh yeah... those guys.

Anyhow, I'll always be here to give you advice on scientific research and building suggestions.

Don't worry about me, I'm a pro, babe. Still, if I won't get me some sugar, I guess I might as well meet my other advisers...

 

[Flouzemaker]

Hello, dear Sultan!

Hi! Um, you. You know, I haven't talked to Roxolana about this, but I think my wife would be suspicious of a female adviser... no offense intended.

Why would I be suspicious of a female adviser?

Well, because... Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, here. I just met my wife just moments ago.

I'm Beste, your other wife.

So we're married.

Correct.

But you wear pants!

It's part of the Janissary uniform. It's only fitting since I'm your military adviser.

And you're my wife. Like my other wife.

That's right.

You don't look too happy about it.

Only because I know you'll basically ignore anything I have to say for the entire game, dear Sultan. I hear from reliable sources that you ALWAYS ignore your military adviser.

Yes. Right... well, maybe I possibly won't ignore you this time, I guess. Is there another adviser I should meet?

Of course! You should meet Sarila, your Foreign Adviser!

And I assume that would be you!

I'm quite blessed to have such a perspicacious husband.

I have a sweating problem?

Perspicacious means "shrewd."

I knew that.

 

[Flouzemaker]

So if I understood you correctly, you're my wife.

You certainly are astute, Manny.

Man, this is really going well! None of my wives are fugly!

My husband is too kind!

And I have THREE wives!!

You have way more than three wives, Manny.

MORE? How many more?

More than I can count. But only three of us are also advisers.

A mere detail. Man... I have, like, a palace full of wimmins!

It's called a harem.

Dang! This is awesome! I'm frikkin' pimpin'!

Totally!

I've been reincarnated as a stud! Man, I must be so dang hot!

Quite.

Certainly the handsomest there can be.

Hottest man alive, bar none!

Man! Why would I even bother playing this game? I've already won!

You have to defend us!

And wives like gifts.

Right. I'll do my best, then.

 

[Flouzemaker]

4000 BC:

Alright! Let's get things rolling, here, I wanna see our starting location.

Hmm. That's not too shabby. Lots of ocean, but there are tasty clams aplenty. I also see gold and silk nearby. Right on a riverside plains hill, I'm liking it.

The hill will give us a defense bonus when under attack, but invading armies won't be lacking for cover themselves.

Whatever.

We'll have good early production if we settle here, and, after building a pair of fishing boats, our capital should grow at a decent pace.

True. I don't see a reason to move. Let's found Istanbul right here!

Great! I suggest we research Fishing first, for we'll stagnate too long without it.

I agree. We have oceans on two sides, and that's frequently seen on the islands typical of a "Big & Small" map. Since it looks like the odds of us being on an island are rather high, researching the prerequisite to Sailing sounds good to me.

Meanwhile, may I suggest we build a Warrior? Better be safe than sorry.

Sure. We'll do that.

We will?

Sure!

I... I... I'm flabbergasted! You've listened to my counsel!

Just don't get too used to it, babe. OK. Now that Istanbul is founded, let's send our current Warrior north. I'm curious to see where the Eastern river goes but... well... the Warrior is already north of us, and, well, I'm lazy.


3880 BC:

Looks like our Warrior has stumbled upon a "Goody Hut," Manny.

Ooh! Goody! Goody! What do we get? What do we get?

A free Scout!

That's pretty good. Send him east of Istanbul. Looks like the "we're on an island" predictions might've been wrong, and I want to see how big our continent is!

 

[Scarredroman]

How do they fit into one small hut? Manni, as you are calling him, will have to have a big army to bring back lots of gifts for his wives.

 

[Flouzemaker]

3800 BC:

The Visual Phone rings!

Manny-bunny, this is the Visual Phone. That means a foreign Leader is calling you. To answer just-

It's alright, babe, I know how it works. Lemme answer it for ya!

Welcome, Suleiman! Mighty Celtia seeks peace with your weak little civilization. For the moment, that is.

Ooh! Well, hello, there!

Yes. Hello. Listen, let's skip the pleasantries and just tell me if you'd rather have peace or war.

Uh-huh...

Either is fine with me, really.

Right...

So, maybe you have a preference. It's your choice.

Mmm, mmm.

Um... Up here.

Yes...

My face is up here.

What? Right! Sure!

So what will it be?

Um, peace.

Good. I suppose I'll see you later, Suleiman.

I'll see you two later for sure!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Manny, dearest, I suggest you be quite weary of Queen Boudica.

Why? You're jealous?

No. With the number of wives you have, I've gone crazy a long time ago if I was jealous.

That's believable.

You should be weary of her warmongering ways.

A sweet little lass like that?

You've never played against her, have you?

Nope. Played 13 BTS games, and I never met De Gaulle or Boudica. Well, until now. I met Boudica, and I don't regret it. In fact, I may needlessly call her for reasons that have nothing to do with her large bosom as often as I can.

Her reputation as a warmonger is well established. And the fact that she's probably our closest neighbor doesn't bode well for long-term peace.

Come on, gals! You seem to forget how frikkin' hot I am! She'll be eating out of the palm of my hands in no time!

1760 BC:

The Visual Phone rings again...

I am pleased to meet you, Suleiman, and I look forward to many years of peace and friendship between our two great nations.

GHAAAH!

Ah, yes. I don't normally look like this, you know. It's just that, for some reason, your computer can't see me right... the rendering is all messy. It doesn't help my image, I can tell you.

I'm not sure that's the problem...

Seriously, look at the game box, you'll see. It's not normally that bad.

You're not on the game box. I suspect sales would drop dramatically if you were.

I swear, it's just a rendering bug, OK?

 

[RockTheCazbah87]

Great start Flouzemaker!

 

[Flouzemaker]

How big is you harem?

I don't have a harem.

My point exactly.

Whatever, whatever. Want peace or what?

Let's go for peace.

Excellent. Goodbye!

Ciao, dude!

Well, looks like Suryavarman is settled just north of Boudica. There's little real-estate in that section of the continent so I suppose there will be a lot of friction between Celtia and the Khmer Empire.

M'kay.

Remember that Suryavarman seems to enjoy waging war on Civilizations that do not follow the same religion he does. At least, that's what he did in previous games. If you'd rather avoid war, make sure the Khmer have the same religion we do. If not, I'll be happy to wipe him off the map.

There's no need to do that just yet, I think. After all, Civilization isn't a beauty contest!

Suly, honey, since we've discovered Fishing, can I research Mining so we can get us some gold?

Sure, babe, whatever you want.

Thanks, honey!



3680 BC

Manny-bunny?

What is it, babe?

Buddhism has been founded in a distant land.

It sure wasn't going to be founded here!

Guess not...

 

[Ozbenno]

Excellent. Can't wait to see how the Harem Protection business ends up.

 

[Flouzemaker]

3640 BC:

The Visual Phone is at it again...

Welcome, Suleiman, ruler of the mighty Ottomans! Deal faithfully with Korea and we will deal faithfully with you. Betray us and your life will be both short and full of excitement...

You know, I usually don't respond too kindly to threats, veiled or not.

We'll, I'm just trying to nudge you towards peace.

Because you're scared of war?

Not necessarily.

Alright, let's give peace a chance, then.

Excellent!

Goodbye!

Uh-uh, Manny... Wang Kon is settled a short distance east of Istanbul. He definitely is our closest neighbor.

That's not cool.

Worse yet, he founded Buddhism. Which means culture in Seoul will most likely be strong.

I say we liberate Seoul from it's Korean oppressors!

I wholeheartedly agree!

You... you do?

Yes. Seoul will totally block our expansion, and it's culture will impede on our future cities in it's vicinity. I can smell it from here. Seoul is nothing but trouble!

That rimes, honey!

Yay!

Shall I start building a gigantic stack of Warriors?

No. When we get Mining, we'll research Bronze Working and see if there's any copper nearby. Meanwhile, we'll found one or two extra cities and THEN we'll be ready to create our stack... Ideally, a stack of axemen!

 

[Eikka]

Love your humor, you got BIG updates (in your previous game) and those pictures are great.

I'll be reading this.

 

[Flouzemaker]

3600 BC

Suly-honey! A Warrior has stumbled upon a Goody hut south of Istanbul! Shall we get it?

By all means, babe! What do we get? What do we get?

112 gold! Yay!

Yay! I usually don't even get half of that! That's awesome!



3560 BC

Girls! We need to muster some sort of development plan here. We can't just wing it for the whole game, now can we?

But that's what you usually do, Suly-honey.

No time like the present to change my habits! OK.. anyone has a map?

I do. Look here:

Hun, it might be a little early to call the Celts "psychopathic" and the Khmer "evil."

My bad. I'm happy that you have no objection to calling the Koreans "degenerates."

I aim to please. OK. Girls, here, you see where I want to found Edirne. Stone, Wine, Sheep, Silk... on a plains-hill. It's looking good to me. I wish the land next to that river was a little more fertile, but it's the best we're gonna get.

Looks good to me.

And then, well, I guess we can found Ankara somewhere North, especially if copper appears there later on.

Yeah. There's corn, but otherwise, it's pretty [BLEEP]y.

I know. Maybe our Scout will find something better in his travels. You never know. We're still quite a few turns away from our first Settler anyhow.

But we are going to be researching Bronze Working, right?

Absolutely! Metal ores will be extremely important to us!

 

[Flouzemaker]

3440 BC

The Visual Phone sings "Oops, I did it again."

Having songs on your phone is a little anachronistic, Suly.

So is the rest of the contraption, Roxolana.

Good point.

Who is it?

Well hello there, Suleiman. It is a pleasure to meet you at last! I'm always looking for CLOSER relations with other leaders, if you get my drift...

What drift?

You know... close "relations."

I'm not following.

Close as in intimate, and relations like the sexual kind. Get it now?

Oh! Oooh! THOSE kinds of close relations! Right! Ha! Ha! Ha! I get it now! Pretty clever! Subtle innuendos!

I really didn't think I was being that subtle.

I'm sure there's room in my harem! You'd certainly be the jewel among my wives!

Wives? As in plural? Errr... I already lead my own Civilization, so I'll be alright. I'll just keep on teasing you every few turns and not put out. So, you want a peace?

A piece of what?

Of my treaty.

Wouldn't the treaty be better if it was whole.

Like, ~sigh~, you want peace, as in: not war?

Oh, I'm sorry, I was busy staring - I mean drooling - I mean, err... thinking about, um, researching Bronze Working. Peace it is!

Excellent! See you later!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Be weary of Catherine, dear!

Jealous again, huh?

Of course not, Manny-bunny! It's just that Catherine has a richly cataloged habit of betraying just about anything that breathes.

And she doesn't just betray a little. She betrays with two or three Stacks of Doom.

As my wives, how can you possibly underestimate the ultimate hotness that is me?

Aww, we're not underestimating your hotness, honey!

Of course not. You've seen it, Catherine couldn't get enough of me! As she very subtly hinted.

She does that to every single Civilization leader.

Even, say... Boudica.

Yes. Even Boudica.

Holy mackerel! That's worthy of it's own PPV! A whole series of PPVs, even! Man, I'd bankrupt myself any day ordering those!


3320 BC

Suly-honey, we've finished our worker in Istanbul!

FINALLY! Jeez! Weren't we supposed to build two Work Boats first?

Err, yes. Well, here's what happened. We finished training our Warrior, but were one turn away from discovering Fishing, see? So since we knew we wanted a Worker after those boats, we preemptively started training the worker. But, when we discovered Fishing, you forgot to switch production to Work Boats.

I forgot? But aren't YOU the Domestic Adviser, Roxolana?

Yes, but when it comes to those types of delicate operations, you still have to do it.

Right. Well, turns out the Worker can make himself useful now my hooking up that gold for us, so it's OK, I guess. But let's build our Work Boats, now.

 

[Scarredroman]

A couple of stacks of doom. Very Russian, apt for Catherine and very funny. The Celts and Khmer are almost certain to go at each others throats. That will leave plenty of time for Silly man to finish off the Koreans.

 

[Izipo]

Good luck with the game with the bunch of warmongers you've got.
Off to an excellent start (story-wise), Keep it up

 

[Flouzemaker]

3280 BC:

Manny-bunny?

What is it, Sarila?

Hinduism has been founded in a distant land.

And I care because?

Err... never mind, then.


2760 BC:

Suly-honey! We've discovered Bronze Working!

Alright! Any copper nearby?

Yes. Just south of Seoul, in the fat cross of where Edirne will be (knock on wood).

I'm not excatly clear of where that is. Got a map?

No.

What? Why not?

Because someone didn't think it was a worthwhile screen-shot at the time.

Oh.

The good news is that we'll have access to Copper. The bad news is that it's really very close to Korea's cultural border, and it'll be hard to keep it.

Can I suggest researching Mysticism? That way, if we hook up that Stone, chop a forest or two, we could maybe build Stonehenge in Edirne. That would certainly offset Seoul's massive degenerate culture.

Why don't we just take Seoul now?

I'm sorry, Beste. I agree with Roxolana, here. The Copper source won't be safe unless Edirne produces strong culture. When our Copper will be safe, we'll be able to wage war.

Fine.

 

[Flouzemaker]

2640

We've finished our second Work Boat and will now start training a Settler in the art of-
The Visual Phone rings

Hello? Uh-Huh. Mm, OK. Suly-honey, it's for you!

Surely the gods have smiled upon you, Suleiman - for they have led you to me!

Surely, the gods must have! Aren't you the cutest little thing around! I just want to sqwoosh you!

I'm mighty. Not cute. Mighty!

Come on! Look at you! You're, like, tiny and... well, CUTE!

At least, no one calls me Suly-honey!

Yeah, I hear ya. Although it's kind of sad, in a way. Not married, huh?

Yes, I'm married to my half-brother.

Oh. ...

He is dear to me.

Hopefully, our union will produce an heir.

What? Helllo?

Let there be peace! Let there be peace!

Excellent! Goodbye!

 

[Scarredroman]

You just need Elizabeth and Isabella to complete the set of female rulers. Suleiman the Magnificent will be wanting to add those women to his harem.
He'll need a magnificent army to do that.