Suleiman's Harem

[Flouzemaker]

Honey? There's some kind of oozing liquid all over your beard...

I know...

And something smells funny.

I got TMI from Hatshepsut, and now I need a bath. Urgently.



2400 BC:

Are you done bathing, dearest?

Sure am! Clean as a whistle! Now, not only am I the epitome of all male hotness, I smell good, too!

That's right, honey, that's right. We've trained our first Settler.

Ah! Well it was about time! Send him to that spot where we want to found Edirne... and where a Warrior is already conveniently waiting for him.

Right away, my studly Sultan!


2360 BC:

My dear Sultan...

OMG! What is it? Did our Settler get ambushed? But it really seemed like there were no obstacles on the way...

No, that's not it. Do you remember our Scout?

Our what, now? Oh, yeah... the Scout... yeah, yeah, I remember.

Well, it was fully healthy. And on a jungle infested hill.

That's not bad. Good for the little guy!

A Lion ambushed him and he got his incompetent weak-[BLEEP] killed!

Surely you meant to say a bear.

No. A lion. And while he was defending from a jungle hill. I feel so much shame!

As you should, Beste, as you should.

 

[Flouzemaker]

On the other hand, our Settler arrived on location!

Yeah! Make it build Stonehenge! We've got to try!


1960 BC:

We've now discovered Archery. I strongly recommend we research Alphabet, so we can trade our way to a tech lead!

I concur.

So do I. A tech lead means troops that are more modern than our enemies'.

Oh, all right, all right!


1880 BC:

The Visual Phone rings...

Ah! My favorite big man!

Cathy!

Listen, I feel like we should be free to EXPLORE OUR BODIES of land without restrictions. What do you think?

Want to open your borders with me?

Hm? Yeah. Sure. Why not? You still South-east of Wang Kon, right? How do you like him?

He's, like ~sigh~, OK, I guess. But I like you way better, you handsome you!

You're turbo-hot yourself!

Really? You think so? Even if someone can't draw and butchered my face?

He may have butchered your face, but he gave you bigger jugs!

That's hot. See you soon, Suleiman!

 

[·Imhotep·]

If I could only draw one tenth as good as that I'd be happy. Combined with your talent for story-telling that makes...a damn good read ! Keep it going, that's great stuff !

 

[Flouzemaker]

1920 BC:

Yess! Although... I really don't like the fact that the filthy, degenerate Koreans have founded Pyongyang right behind the word "Settlement" in that image. It's really, really too close to Ankara.

We'll have to raze it.

It certainly appears so.


1800 BC:

Manny-bunny, I hear that Hatshepsut has converted to Hinduism.

So?

Well, she didn't found it, so it pretty much means that she has a neighbor that we haven't met that has done so.

Makes sense. I shall try to avoid meeting that individual, then.


1760 BC:

The Visual Phone rings...

Hello?

Suleiman, my slightly too close for comfort neighbor!

Oh, it's you.

Disappointed?

I figured there was a 60% chance of a good looking leader-chick calling and 40% odds of an ugly dude calling. Thank the gods I didn't place a bet 'cause I lost, it seems.

Nevertheless, our close borders would be less annoying if they were open. Do you not agree?

Yes, I do. Let's open 'em. Everybody shall Wang Kon tonight.

Excellent!

I shall even refrain from making phallic puns with your name for a limited time!

Even better!

Goodbye Wang Kon, don't call too often, now!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1720 BC:

Guess what, Suly-honey!

What, Roxolana?

In Edirne, we chopped two forests and erected:

Teh Awesomeness! Now, our Copper is safer! We do need to upgrade the culture in Ankara to fight off Pyongyang's, though. Something to think about, anyways.

Can I build the Great Ottoman Wall in Edirne? Oh can I? I'll give us a Great Spy for sure!

What about the army to invade Korea?

Well, the copper isn't hooked up yet, Beste. So I think we might as well give the Great Wall as shot.

Oh, alright. I'm not opposed to a Great Spy, anyways...

Ooh! And you should know that Judaism has been founded in a distant land.

Should I? Really? Because I really don't care. Sarila, I love you cuz yer my wife and all, but you really have to stop feeding me useless information, here.

But religions greatly affect world relations...

Yes. They either follow my faith or slowly, painfully die alone. I know.


1600 BC:

The Visual Phone rings...

Yo?

Brother Suleiman!

Dang it, I lost again!

Would you like t-

Yes, I'll have those Open Borders! Now go away you ugly, ugly man!

I swear it's a rendering issue! If you saw me in person, you'd see I'm really quite stunning!

Sure, pal. Goodbye!

 

[Barry Bonds]

Hahaha! I love this! I'll be reading!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1480 BC:

The Visual Phone rings...

Hello, please don't be some ugly dude!

Greetings. I'm not an ugly dude, Suleiman. I'm a mighty woman.

Yes, and quite cute, so long as you never ever mention anything that has to do with your marital life ever again.

Why? I'm not ashamed of my brother.

And don't ever mention your brother either!

Your Ottoman customs are queer indeed, Suleiman.

What do you want, you incestuous cuteness?

Open Borders.

Well, you got 'em!

Fantastic!

Goodbye, Hatty!



1400 BC:

We have discovered Alphabet, Manny-bunny! May I suggest we attempt to trade some Technologies to foreign Civilizations?

Hm. There's very little on the market right now, but it's something. I'm dialing as we speak!

Suleiman dials the VP...

Hello? How can Egypt be of service?

My lovely Hatshepsut! How your eyes seem to get a tad bit bigger every time I see you! How would you like to get Masonry in exchange for your Pottery?

That would suit me fine, actually. I just so happens I'd need some for-

Hatty, dear. That Tech is like your body. Don't tell me what you do with it in your spare time, I don't wanna know.

Um.. yes... well, goodbye, I guess, Suleiman.

 

[Churchill's Hat]

Kill Wang Kon ASAP. After that, kill Hatty's brother. *shudders*

 

[Flouzemaker]

1200 BC:

You guessed it, the VP rings

Yes?

Greetings, Suleiman.

Hey! My favorite twosome!

How would you like Open Borders with Celtia?

I'd like that just fine!

Excellent!

Too bad Hatshepsut already gave me Pottery, 'cause I'd like me some of your jugs, Boudica!

Well, maybe we'll get to trade some other time.

Huh-huh...

Wait a minute... you weren't even talking about my potter's jugs! Why you... that's it! I'm going, now.

Wait!

Goodbye!



1160 BC:

Suly-honey, guess what we have built in Edirne!

Oooh! I think I know what it is!

Yay!

And I've been working on the Pyramids in Istanbul for a while now! Man, I'm such a wonder whore!

You're not even allowed to achieve a Cultural Victory!

Well, I still like to have a Great Engineer every now and then, to built really important and useful wonders. Besides, I can't help myself.

 

[Flouzemaker]

975 BC:

We've got Math! We know how to add and others don't!

Groovy!

Plus, as an added bonus, St.Augustine, the Great Prophet, was born Edirne.

I have no clue what to do with him, so make him sleep on it.

It would be a good idea to see if we can't make some more Tech trades.

Sure. Again, barely nothing on the market, but still... always better than nothing!

Suleiman dials...

Everybody have fun tonight?

Everybody Wang Kon, tonight.

What do you want? The fact that I took the time to convert Ankara to Buddhism and yet, you haven't converted saddens me, Suleiman.

Ankara is my least important city, Wang Kon. Get your priorities straight when you try to convert your neighbors, it'll help. What I want, is your Meditation for my Writing. That's a very generous offer.

True! I'll take it!

Then our business is done. Adios!


850 BC:

Unsurprisingly enough, the VP rings...

Stop trading with that filthy hussy Catherine!

That was to the point.

She's a whore that totally sleeps around.

And how is that worse than sleeping with your brother, exactly?

You've got a one track mind, don't you? I am mighty, Suleiman. It is in your best interest to stop trading with the wench this instant!

Ain't happening, Hatty.

You chose the wrong side, Suleiman. You'll see, you chose the wrong side!

Bye, now.

 

[Barry Bonds]

One bad thing about this is that you don't give me enough screenshots. I need them to check out the strategy aspects.

 

[dazman92]

lol everybody wang kon tonight.

classic literature here, man. classic.

 

[Flouzemaker]

775 BC:

If I told you the Visual Phone rings, would you believe me?

You've reached the Ottoman Empire, the hottest man on the face of the earth speaking!

Hi.

Well, well. Look who's back! You sure call a lot, missy!

Yeah, well, I happen to have Sailing available for trade, and you have Writing, see?

That deal favors you, Hatshepsut.

Just a tad bit. But really, it favors us both. You do get a Tech out of the deal, after all.

Yeah, alright, I'll do it. See ya later, Hatty!

Manny-bunny. I've just learned that Catherine has converted to Buddhism.

Hmm. I'm sure Hatshepsut's gonna like her even more after this one!


725 BC:

Guess what, honey!

Score! ANd now, on to the Hanging Gardens! Mou ha! ha! ha!

What about our defenses, huh? And the invasion force?

We're well defended by Axemen, right now. Sure, The Power graph only shows Boudica and myself, but if Ottoman and Celt are equally powerful, it's a good sign, isn't it? You said she was a warmonger!

~grumbles~ I guess so.

And our growth is stunted by Korea's existence, so we'll take them out soon, I promise. Kisses?

No in front of the readers, that's indecent!

Meanwhile, Boudica has also converted to Buddhism. Since both Ankara and Edirne have been converted to that faith, we should consider joining the Buddhist ranks to please some of our neighbors.

Yeah. We've got enough cities that follow the frikkin' faith to justify a revolt. Let's do it!

 

[Barry Bonds]

TEH REVOLT!
YAYZ!
Anyway, keep it up.

 

[Flouzemaker]

One bad thing about this is that you don't give me enough screenshots. I need them to check out the strategy aspects.

Yeah, I know. They never seem important to me in-game, yet it turns out even the most innocuous of screen-shots would help complement the story.
There's also that I don't like interrupting the game with screen-shots too much - it breaks the rhythm. Which is possibly the main reason why I only grab those that seem especially essential.

 

[Flouzemaker]

625 BC:

So, we're Buddhist and we have discovered Currency. What next?

Code of Laws, babe.

But were already Buddhists!

I want it for the Courthouses more than the religion, but I'll have both if they'll let me.

And, I submit that you-

Check for possible trades. I'm already on it, hon!

Suleiman dials the VP...

Yes? Who is it?

It's Sully, your best buddy!

Erm, yeah, I guess that's somewhat true.

You know, I finally realized who you remind me of! Remember, a long long time ago, they made a G.I. Joe movie, right? And in it, Cobra Commander get a face full of "spores." Remember?

No.

Oh. Well, you remind me of Cobra Commander as he was mutating into a snake.

How kind of you. I sure am glad I have a best buddy like you. Is that why you called?

Oh, no. How about you give me Iron Working and 40 gold and I'll hand over Mathematic to ya.

Yeah, OK.

Groovy! Bye, Suryavarman!

Ooh! There's some Iron South of Edirne and some more North of Istanbul! I think we'll be set in terms of metals!

Score!

Affirmative!

 

[Flouzemaker]

525 BC:

Don't let the surprise make you jump too high: The Visual Phone Rings.

Yellow?

Greetings, oh wise ruler of the Ottoman peoples! Persia is strong - shall we count you among our friends, or among our enemies?

Ah! So you founded Hinduism, huh?

And I see you've unwisely chosen the wrong faith to follow. But let that not come between us and our future trades!

Well, OK, then. We'll have peace!

Excellent! Now, on to the trades!

You're not wasting time.

One can never trade quickly enough. Ô, if Mansa was here, he'd understand...

What do you have in mind?

How about Open Borders?

Sounds reasonable. I've recently trained another Scout, so I guess it's a pretty good deal...

Fabulous!

Well, goodbye, then!



450 BC:

Like you didn't know it would happen, the VP rings again.

'Sup?

Suleiman, have I a trade for you!

really?

How about my Polytheism for your Meditation and 60 gold?

Err... yeah, OK. Deal. Bye, now!

 

[Flouzemaker]

So, you've met Cyrus, Manny-bunny?

Yeah. He seems harmless enough.

I concur. Given the remoteness of his extreme north Empire, and his mostly pacifist ways, I'd rate him as one of our lowest threats.

He is a trade-whore, though. If left unchecked, he could develop an important Technology lead. If not, he can be a serviceable trading partner.

I'll keep that in mind.


350 BC:

The ole VP rings once more...

Moi, Charles De Gaulle, détenteur du plus grand nombre de mentons de l'histoire humaine, je vous souhaite la bienvenue chez les français!

What?

I, Charles De Gaulle, possessor of one of the largest and most prolific chins in human history, welcome you to glorious France!

Ah! On the upside! I finally meet you, De Gaulle! Awesome! Now that I've seen yourself and Boudica in this game, I can officially say I've played against everybody! On the downside... I just can't get rid of the French, it seems.

You can't get rid of us indeed, so why not have peace instead?

Sounds good! Says, did your chin have babies that refuse to leave the nest?

Yes. And I have a large schnoz. And big flappy ears.

Well, congratulations. I assume you want Open Borders?

No. Only Hindus are allowed in France. Now, go away.

Fine. Ciao, loser!

We have founded Confucianism in Edirne, Suly-honey! Yay!

Score!! Where's the screen-hot?

You apparently forgot to take one, even though you were sure you did take one.

Oh. Then, wake up St. Augustine and have him build the Kong Miao. And Research Priesthood, while you're at it.

 

[Flouzemaker]

325 BC:

So. Now that, one turn later, we have finally discovered Priesthood, what do we research?

I want Construction to create a gigantic pile of Catapults. I'll need 'em to defeat a protective foe like Wang Kon.

Ah! Now you're talking!

The Great Prophet Naraya Guru was born in Edirne, my dear husband! Yay!

As I have nothing planned for him, have him sleep a while, babe.



300 BC:

Something Great has happened in Istanbul!

Score!



150 BC:

Christiani-

Tut! Tut! Tut!

Oh, right. I'm sorry. I forgot. Never mind. Answer the ringing Visual Phone instead, it could be important.

Yes. It's ringing. Of course it's ringing!

Sexiest Man Alive, speaking?

How would you like a no expenses paid trip to France thanks to our pending Open Borders agreement?

I probably won't like it much, but I'll nab the Open Borders anyway.

Fantastique!

I'm glad one of us is happy! Goodbye, Chuck!

 

[Flouzemaker]

To change up the routine, Suleiman dials the phone...

Hello?

~CLICK!~

Suleiman redials...

Yes?

~CLICK!~

Suleiman dials yet again...

OK, who keeps hanging up before I finish my elaborate turning around animation?

Hanging up, dear Catherine? Well, this is my first call, so it definitely wasn't me!

Suleiman! What a pleasure!

Isn't it?

I hear that, like, you've treated yourself to a few large erections, recently.

You... ~Sputter! what? How did you know? You can see that on the Visual Phone?

I admit it, I'm quite impressed by the Pyramids. Truly an epic erection if there is one!

Oh, oh, THAT kind of erection! Oooh... Heh! Heh! Yeah, I'm a wonder-whore. Sue me!

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Right, um, I want your Monarchy and Monotheism. What do I need to give you to get 'em?

How about Currency and 45 gold?

~sigh~ OK. Deal. Thanks!



125 BC:

The Visual Phone rings.

Stop trading with that harlot Catherine!

What? No! Stop annoying me with this, Hatshepsut!

Stop trading with her, I'm pretty sure sure has STDs!

Drop the subject, Hatty. Goodbye!