1. We have added a Gift Upgrades feature that allows you to gift an account upgrade to another member, just in time for the holiday season. You can see the gift option when going to the Account Upgrades screen, or on any user profile screen.
    Dismiss Notice

The Tale of William of Slacker

Discussion in 'Civ3 - Stories & Tales' started by Tribute, Apr 20, 2006.

  1. Ansar

    Ansar Détente avec l'été

    May 20, 2005
    Ithaca, NY (soon)
    For the production benefit of William's hometown, Amsterdam, why dont you mine the oasis, you are getting enough food as it is...:rolleyes:
  2. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    Shhh. He doesn't know that. And he doesn't care :eek: ! He's so lazy! :rolleyes:
  3. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    So you are here to listen again. As you very well know, a coward is about to appear in the midst of our heroes.

    Records found dating 1200 BC
    William: And then, we were all like "yeah!"
    Pippin: Yeah!
    Kindle: Yeah!
    Nobel: Oh what entertainment! Yes!
    Knarl: (halfheartedly) Yeah.
    Janet: (everyone looks at Janet) ... what?
    ???: (cue crack of thunder and flash of lightning) Greetings my king.
    Nobel: Uh, who is there, lurking in the shadows?
    William: He was talking to me! ... well, who's there?
    ???: Your worst nightmare. I, Captain Sham of the 1st Dutch Spearman Brigade, challenge you, William of Orange, to a duel. My brigade will act as referees.
    William: What's a duel?
    Nobel: A duel is where two people have a fight and they want to have another bigger fight to settle the initial fight. The bigger fight normally consists... *continues talking*
    Pippin: You have to fight him to the death, sir.
    William: What?! I'm too tired for even that!
    Pippin: But sir! You have to salvage your honor!
    Sham: Me, and my DSB await you.
    Nobel: And it occurred in one of the many books I've recently studied. It was a fine piece of American literature detailing how a succession of administrative assistants, namely the Vice President and Secretary of State shot at each other. You know, the bows they used were developed by the Aztec warriors, who in turn share our farming abilities. They say that food surpluses lead to higher growth rates. And growth leads to money. The richest people in the world are normally aristocracy-
    Janet: We get it!
    (Spearman built and sent to Amsterdam as MP. Amsterdam gets an entertainer.)

    Records found dating 1150 BC
    William: I don't wanna go!
    Pippin: He said he'd take over the city himself if you didn't do it.
    Janet: My dear Pippin is quite right in this matter.
    William: *whines* No! I don't wanna!
    Knarl: (threatening) Go, or else I'll tell them what I saw you do that day.
    Pippin: He did what on what day?
    Nobel: I don't believe it. What sort of scandalo-, scanda-, Scandinavian story would be true if it came from a mutant baby.
    Knarl: (angrily) I thought I told you not to call me that! *lunges towards Nobel*
    Nobel: Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *runs and hides behind Janet*
    Janet: Ugh, get away from me. *pushes Nobel off who clings onto her leg* No, no! Get off! *shakes her leg and farts loudly*
    Kindle: Ewww! *starts flapping her arms and accidentally knocks over the slider*
    Nobel: Oooooh, pretty colors.... *faints*
    William: You've killed the doctor!
    Janet: *blushes* Well, it would've happened anyway.
    William: You don't understand! Without him, I can't create an invention that will help me escape this nightmare of a world and your ugly, ugly faces, except for Kind- ... I said that out loud, didn't I? *everyone looks at him*
    Pippin: Sir, you think we're ugly? *starts to cry*
    Knarl: *moves over and hugs Pippin) I don't. *everyone looks at him, horrified (No offense is intended to anyone)*
    Pippin: Knarl, likes .... *faints*
    Janet: You idiot! You did that on purpose! *slaps Knarl*
    Knarl: Ergh, get offa me. *pushes Janet off*
    Kindle: Don't damage my precious Knarl! *begins to catfight with Janet*
    Sham: *enters* Hello again. You've got 1 minute to accept my proposal. Resist it, and I'll knock down your walls! If you survive for an hour, then I'll join you and your ... people.
    William: You wouldn't want that; it's a fate worse than death!
    Janet: *looks up* (imperiously) What's that supposed to mean?
    William: *looks determinedly at Sham* Okay, I'll duel you. *clings onto Sham's legs* Just get me away from here.
    Sham: Okay, we'll go with these people. *they leave*
    Janet: Darn. Men are stupid. Now get offa me you (self-censored word)!
    (William and Captain Sham go with the settler southeast just as the spearman enters Amsterdam. 50% science 20% luxury +3gpt Philosophy in 2 turns.)

    Records found dating 1125 BC
    Knarl: Hmm, now that William's gone, I guess I he won't mind what I'll do.
    Ragnar: Ho ho ho! Give me a scroll!
    Knarl: Um, why?
    Ragnar: Because I said so. And I might ask you to have a duel with me if you don't. What do you say?
    Knarl: No.
    Ragnar: Am I being denied by a mere child?
    Knarl: *twitches*
    Ragnar: Tell me, do you still believe in Santy Claus, you big baby?
    Knarl: Die! *leaps at Ragnar*
    Ragnar: You'll get coal!
    (Ragnar comes knocking for Mysticism. Knarl tells him to shove it.)

    Records found dating 1100 BC
    Kindle: *fiddles with the slider* And this one over here. And that one over there....
    Nobel: *enters* He does believe he's done it!
    Kindle: *looks up* (guiltily) What have you done?
    Nobel: Doc-tor Nobel has discovered the meaning of life!
    Kindle: And that is not to say anything while you do parts of someone else's job, right?
    Nobel: Wrong you dunderhead! The meaning of life is *builds suspense* ... aqueducts!
    Pippin: *pops up* Woo woo woohoo! Woo woo Woohoo!
    Nobel: Now that you are sufficiently impressed by Doc-tor Nobel's mental capabilities, would you like to take an incursion into his fortress of solitude?
    Kindle: How about instead of lighting your fire, I just burn you up?
    Nobel: That vould be vonderful. Vhat? Is he finding an axont? One as great as him deserves vun. Now zen, his dearie. Let's go.
    Kindle: *picks up a match* Yes, *lights it* let's.

    Sham: (meanwhile) I hereby declare this hill to be mine!
    William: But I'm the king!
    Sham: Wanna fight?
    William: I thought that's what we came out here for....
    Sham: Err, right. Shall we get started?
    William: (carelessly) Okay.
    Sham: Um, shouldn't we get out our weapons? Maybe give them a good shine first?
    William: Nah, I'm good.
    Sham: ... well. *starts to sweat* Um, we can't fight today.
    William: Why?
    Sham: (a bead of sweat trickles down his cheek) Err, because.
    William: Because why?
    Sham: Because because.
    William: Because because why?
    Sham: Because because because.
    William: Because because because why? (Time passes.)
    Sham: Fine! I give up! I'll join you. We've been at this over an hour anyway.
    William: That's it? That's all that a duel was? *teleports*
    Sham: Hmm. He's a worthy opponent. *teleports*
    (We got Philosophy and Construction. Currency in 30. Sliders adjusted.)

    Records found dating 950 BC
    Pippin: Look sir! A horse!
    William: You're right! This board is so cool!
    Janet: Yes. You know, we need someone to supervise these things. I don't have time.
    Kindle: Yeah. You're so busy making (disgustedly) speeches.
    Janet: That's right. And I'd have more to do too if you didn't always move the sliders for me!
    Kindle: Well, that's because someone isn't being very cultural! Love is supposed to roam free in my dreams! *looks dreamily into space*
    Janet: Well, in the meantime. Clear off!
    William: Hey, Pippin. Catfight! *starts to drool at the two*
    Pippin: Sir, I'm not sure if that's a good idea.
    William: *starts to yell* Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
    Sham: *enters* Did someone yell about a fight? Okay, the rules are. The first to lose all their clothes wins! (pause) I'm sure you'd like to indulge a war veteran such as me. *grins*
    Knarl: *enters* Ugh! Pipe down, there! I'm trying to concentrate! *exits*
    Nobel: Concentration is key to success. Anyone who halfheartedly tries too-
    Sham: Old man, you talk too much.
    Nobel: Eh, er. Silence!!! Now, eh, vat vas I talking about?
    William: Hey. You haven't always had that accent! And I thought that you were the spokesperson for the great Doc-tor Nobel!
    Nobel: Vell, never mind zat zen!
    Janet: *whispers to Kindle* Hey, Kindle?
    Kindle: (in a loud voice) Yeah?
    Janet: Shh! Why do you think they're all staring at us like that?
    Kindle: (still in a loud voice) They are?
    Janet: Shut up! I've got a plan! We need to show them what pigs they are?
    Kindle: Hey! Look at me! *starts to undress; the men start to goggle and drool*
    Janet: Hmph! I need a hot bath. *exits*

    Wang Kon: (meanwhile) Now, my dearie, time for your bath!
    Kon's Kid: Dad, I said I don't want to. It's people like you that make me so mad! The world hates me....
    Wang Kon: The world does not hate you! Remember the time when I got that black bleach for your hair?
    Kon's Kid: Yeah. So what? You probably wanted my hair to die from the poison in there.
    Knarl: *teleports in ending up with his fangs on Wang Kon's neck.* Wang Kon!
    Wang Kon: Woah! *jumps* Ow. *frees himself* You know, you really shouldn't sneak up on someone like that.
    Kon's Kid: Who's the cool freak?
    Knarl: You know, I was very goth when I was younger. (with relish) Have you ever killed a man?
    Kon's Kid: (smaller voice) Uh, no.
    Knarl: It's an enjoyable experience. To drink the blood of mine enemies... *grins evilly*
    Kon's Kid: Daddy, he's scary!
    Wang Kon: Er, what do you want Knarl?
    Knarl: You know what I want.
    Wang Kon: ... well, what do you want?
    Knarl: Hand it over.
    Wang Kon: *picks up his daughter and gives it to Knarl* Here.
    Kon's Kid: Hey!
    Knarl: You know what? I'll get it myself. *exits*
    Wang Kon: Wait! That's stealing! *trips and falls*
    Kon's Kid: Dad, I wanted you to know. *stands over him* I hate you. (Cue "Dun! Dun! Dun!")
    Knarl: Got 'em. I'll just leave these here. *drops some scrolls and teleports*

    Abe: You failed to come to the meeting on time. Alexander Hamilton, you're fired. (Cue: Slow motion head movements and a song of defeat) I love that song of defeat. It makes it all so worthwhile. *sighs*
    Knarl: I heard you got multiple gods.
    Abe: I know you've got the maths and the writes. Our schools have funding but they need something to teach. Let's trade.
    Knarl: Wow. You're eager *lowers voice* to die.
    Abe: I never waste time. I'll deal with anyone. Even-
    Knarl: You don't want to call me that.
    Abe: What, advisors of rivals?
    Knarl: ... never mind, then. I'll give you both scrolls and you tell me how these many gods theory works.
    Abe: I warn you though, this is incompatible with your theory on life.
    Knarl: For that cheek, I now ask for all your gold.
    Abe: Fine. Don't wet yourself with excitement though.
    Knarl: Aha! I knew it! You think I'm a baby!
    Abe: No, I don't.
    Knarl: Explain yourself then.
    Abe: I still ... wet the bed?
    (We see horses. Korea gives Map Making for Ceremonial Burial and Mathematics and 14 gold America gives Polytheism and 25 gold for Mathematics and Writing)

    Tribute: The sixth installment. It seems like people just hate a play format.
    Janice: Neh, neh. Heheh. That's not true. *burps*
    Tribute: Then why does nobody reply?
    Janice: ... yeah, you suck.
    Tribute: ... Say, are you drunk?
    Janice: ... Nope.
  4. Ansar

    Ansar Détente avec l'été

    May 20, 2005
    Ithaca, NY (soon)
    More please!:bounce:
  5. carmen510

    carmen510 Deity

    Feb 22, 2006
    NESing Forums
    Awww, u need to fix that disk. Still, good story.
  6. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    For all this time that has passed, I believe my (rather small) group of audience members deserve another installment.

    Janice, the Trade Advisor, will be making an appearance. Maybe you can guess how she relates to another of the characters....
  7. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    Janice. Who is she? How does she relate to one of our known characters? Hmm? That's right, you don't know. My foolish readers, let us continue the Tale of William of Slacker. Hopefully, you'll enjoy our new budget cuts-- hey!

    Records found dating 925 BC
    William: It's like a cycle.
    Janet: (hysterically) That's what I've been trying to say! *starts to gasp and exits*
    William: Wow, Janet, you're so smart! Perhaps you could "teach" me sometime?
    Pippin: Sir, how come you said "teach" differently?
    William: Oh, "did" I?
    Pippin: You did it again!
    William: How dare you "accuse" me of such things? *someone enters*
    ???: Well, that was a lot of people who just left Amsterdam. Maybe their in search of some luxurious goods!
    William: Janet. Come here.
    Janet: *enters* (curiously) What?
    Pippin: *faints*
    William: (deliriously) Ah, two Janets. My life is now complete. *faints*
    Janet: *looks at Janet-look alike* You!
    (Amsterdam is on a settler cycle of 4 turns. A settler is sent out.)

    Records found dating The End of 925 BC
    Knarl: *enters* William!
    William: *stirs slowly* Ugh. (nasally) What? What is it?
    Nobel: *enters* Oh yes! If I do zey zo myzelf!
    William: Oh good, you brought my physician.
    Knarl: (bored) I try. *moves to William* Let's go, my "king."
    Nobel: Eh? What's zat? Are you making fun of my axont? Vell, I am at least much more intelligence than you.
    Knarl: Oh yes, you are intelligence.
    Nobel: Confirmed!
    Knarl: *mutters* isn't it 'affirmed'? *looks towards William* Let's go. *William tries to snuggle back to sleep* NOW! *takes William and teleports*
    Nobel: Eh? Espe'ranme, chiquitos. *teleports*
    Hannibal: Hello. My pretties. Come to feast?
    Knarl: Yeah, I doubt that. Now we-, woah! What's that? *points behind Hannibal*
    Hannibal: What? *turns around*
    Knarl: *hits him over the head with a scroll* That's what.
    Hannibal: Why you little-
    Nobel: I vouldn't say that.
    Knarl: (congratulating) So you're finally learning, Nobel! *pats him on the back*
    Nobel: Learning vat exactly?
    Knarl: *frowns*
    Hannibal: Hmph, I declare war on you! (Cue: Dun! Dun! Dun! and flash of lightning and boom of thunder)
    William: ... those sound effects suck. I'm gonna need a nice rest. *teleports*
    Hannibal: Guards seize them.
    Guards: Yes, sir! *they rush towards Knarl and Nobel foaming at the mouths*
    Nobel: Vat is zer problem? *takes scroll from Knarl and hits some on the head*
    Knarl: Give me that. *takes scroll from Nobel and hits the rest on the head* (Cue sound of falling silverware)
    Hannibal: And I wanted to feast tonight! *exits*
    Knarl: As long as nobody's here.... *starts to loot the palace*
    Nobel: Okay,,,, vell, hurry up zen! *teleports*
    (Carthage demands Mysticism and is rebuffed. Oops, we're at war!)

    Records found dating 900 BC
    Sham: (commandingly) Keep it moving people. Keep it moving!
    Soldier: Aren't you coming with us, Captain?
    Sham: (flatly) No.
    Soldier: (curiously) Why not?
    Sham: I'm the captain and I say 'no'!
    Soldier: ... uh, 'no' to what?
    Sham: Dah! Just go. *motions them away*
    Janet: *fiddles with the board* And that's right. Make a spear, and WE won't lose.
    William: *whines* Janet! What about that new town over there? *points*
    Janet: (confused) New town?
    William: Yeah, the one that, er, someone sent over there to get horses....
    Janet: And (really loud on "who") WHO was that?
    William: Meep! *quietly* Uh, Pippin.
    Pippin: (enraged) WhaaAAt?!
    Janet: ... hmm, another worker.
    Sham: (meanwhile) *sneezes* Oh.
    Nobel: *pops in* You know, a sneeze eez a sign zat somezing vill go wrong. *imitates Indian accent* (please, don't be offended. Longer on 'ver' short on 'ry') Very, very, wrong. *opens mouth and face at an odd angle on 'wrong'*
    Sham: Whatever. Wanna fight?
    (Troops prepare. At least Carthage is far away.)

    Records found dating 825 BC
    Pippin: Say, Janet?
    Voice: (in the shadows) Yeah?
    Pippin: How come you hugged me in front of everyone at the party?
    Voice: Did I?
    Pippin: Yeah. You did.
    Janet: *enters* I would never do that! I hug you when you sleep.
    Pippin: That doesn't account for the drool marks though.
    Janet: Oh yeah. You're the one who drools whenever I hug you. I call it the Salivation at his Side Effect!
    Pippin: *blushes* Woops.
    William: (meanwhile) So Janet. What's up with that board. How come the Americans look like they're boxing us in?
    Voice: I don't know. I'm just trying to get to the luxurious goods. That's all.
    William: Could you bless me with your luxuries?
    Voice: Hmm, let me think ... (a more girlish voice), okay!
    Janet: (meanwhile) *sneezes*
    Pippin: Bless you.
    Janet: *sneezes*
    Pippin: Bless you.
    Janet: *sneezes*
    Pippin: Bless you again.
    Janet: Ugh. *sneezes and snot flies all over Pippin*
    Pippin: Ugh. Eww! *starts flailing*
    Janet: Oh, I'm sorry! *Pippin's arm hits her face* So cute but so stupid! Ow....
    (Nothing much. Just notice Americans are boxing us in. Settlers are moving out and Spearmen go east.)

    Records found dating 800 BC
    William: Wow Janet! That was fun!
    Janet: Exactly (nasally) what was fun?
    William: You teaching me how to make gummi bears, of course!
    Janet: Eh, what? I don't know how to cook.
    William: Oh, stop being so modest. They were great! *puts an arm of Janet's shoulder* (confidentially) You know, you can teach me any-
    Janet: *pushes William away* Ugh! What is your problem? Men! And there testosteronific problems!
    Nobel: *enters* I know, Janet. Maybe a few sessions vith me, and you'll be veeling much bezzer. *winks*
    Janet: *slaps Nobel* Not you too! You're supposed to be a doctor!
    Sham: *enters* And I'm a captain. Surely, if you hate politics and knowledge, you like the muscles? Hmm?
    Janet: *kicks him*
    Sham: Ha! You missed!
    Janet: *kicks him again*
    Sham: (voice becomes small) Yeah, you got it. *collapses*
    (Something's wrong in our little community. Surely you can guess who's behind it.)

    Records found dating 775 BC
    William: Oh, Janet, I'm sorry I insulted you.
    Janet: You did?
    William: Do you have amnesia? Any blackouts recently?
    Janet: *burps* Nope.
    William: Really? I'll get Doc-tor Nobel to look you over.
    Janet: Oh, please do!
    William: Okay, now I know something's wrong.... *exits*
    Janet: *exits*
    Pippin: *enters* Janet?
    Janet: *enters* What?
    Pippin: Wha? Buh? You were-
    Janet: (to audience) I just love it when he blubbers! He's so cute when he does that!
    Kindle: *enters*
    Janet: Just where have you been? I've had to use the sliders all by myself for a while. (whimsically) A change for the better I must say. But still....
    Kindle: You know, we've got a lot of gods to pray to. We really need to narrow it down a bit.
    Janet: How many?
    Kindle: I lost count.
    Janet: Oh that's right. We haven't taught you any mathematics.
    Pippin: Buh? Huh??? *whines* Janet! My head is bleeding!
    Janet: Run along there Pippin. *pushes him out*
    Kindle: Janet? Do you know where Knarl is?
    Janet: I think he's ... you know what? I really don't know.
    Kindle: Well, thanks anyway, *lowers voice* commoner.
    Janet: (loses control) What's that?!
    Kindle: Oh, nothing. Just ... young love! *skips out*
    (What's going on? Two Janets? And only William and Pippin have the slightest inkling of this!)

    Records found dating 710 BC
    William: I'm confused. What's going on?
    Pippin: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Why are there two Janets?
    Knarl: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where's all the loot?!
    Hannibal: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where are the battles?
    Sham: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where are his troops?
    Nobel: (meanwhile) I'm confused. How do you spell that? C-U-R-R-E-N-C-Y? Coinage. Okay. Got it.
    Janet: (meanwhile) I'm confused. I seem to be sneezing a lot lately. And I've already dusted the whole place.
    Kindle: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where's Knarl?
    Janet: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Why aren't those horses connected yet?
    (Confusion mania. And our southern border has been reached. Lux down to 10%)

    Records found dating 690 BC
    Knarl: Finally.
    Hannibal: *enters* Oh you're still here are you.
    Knarl: Yeah. There was no loot. But there was a lot of food.
    Hannibal: My soldiers! Without their blood, how can I feast on their... oops.
    Knarl: Aha! You are a cannibal!
    Hannibal: Uh, no I'm not!
    Knarl: Don't try to deny it!
    Hannibal: Now, hold on there little missy!
    Knarl: I'm a boy.
    Hannibal: We all know that you're a vampire!
    Knarl: Woops. I mean, uh, duh! Everyone knew that already.
    Hannibal: I have blackmail against you. For peace, you will surrender your empire!
    Knarl: How 'bout just mysticism?
    Hannibal: I am insulted by your insolence! Food should not be so rude!
    Knarl: Gotcha. *winks and teleports*
    (That's right. We can't get peace yet. And Hannibal is a cannibal. And Knarl is a vampire. But they won't tell anyone, right? Lux up to 10%)

    Records found dating 630 BC
    Janet: Oh my gods!
    Pippin: *waddles in* What is it, Janet?
    Janet: Oh, Pippin. It's just that I'm claustrophobic. And we're being boxed in to the north too!
    Pippin: Those darn Vikings! *pauses* Wait, we're looking at a board. How does it work?
    Janet: ... I don't know. A wizard did it.
    Tribute: (from above) That's darn well right, and you know it!
    Pippin: ... (scared) Janet, I'm scared. *hugs her*
    Janet: (confused) What just happned?
    Kindle: (meanwhile) Lalalalala! Oh! There you are Knarl!
    Knarl: (tied to a chair with a handkerchief over his mouth) Mmph!
    Kindle: Well, there's no reason to be so rude. I'm happy to see you too! *moves closer*
    Knarl: Mmph! Mmph!
    Voice: *knocks Kindle out* Sleep tight precious.
    (Oh no! Someone has knocked out Kindle and is holding Knarl hostage! We are being boxed in to the north by the Vikings. Just about only the east is left....)

    Records found dating The End of 630 BC
    Abe: William. *shrieks* I said 'William'!
    William: *teleports* (tiredly) Yeah? What? *yawns*
    Abe: We need to know what life is all about. Why are we here? You know. Please tell us.
    William: Life is for gummi bears. Yeah that's right.
    Abe: George Washington, you're fired.
    George: Whaaat?
    Abe: You said that life was for the destruction of the English. Well, you're wrong.
    William: Wait, who're the English?
    Abe: None of your beeswax. You get what I'm sayin'?!
    William: Uh, can I go now?
    George: Aagh! *runs away from Abe with a whip* Not the money! Anything but my money! Aaaaagh! *runs to exit*
    Abe: Get back here slifer scum!
    William: ... okaaaaaaay. *teleports*
    (Lincoln asks for Philosophy and we give it to him to prevent another war)

    Records found dating 610 BC
    Voice: *cackles* Yes, yes! Excellent! Horses for everyone!
    Janet: *enters* (coldly) I'm afraid that's not the case. Sister.
    Janice: Yes, Janet. That's right. *burps* I'm Janice, your twin sister. I love you. *hugs her*
    Janet: I know that already. *pushes her off* Say, that's an odd smell.
    Janice: What is?
    Janet: ... are you drunk?
    Janice: Um, nope. *burps*
    Janet: (seriously) No. Really.
    Janice: Now why do we have to talk about such silly things, sister? Let's discuss my new ponies!
    Janet: *yells* Janiiiiiiiiice! *tackles her*
    Pippin: *enters* Oh ... my ... gods. *faints*
    Kindle: (meanwhile) So you guys just decided to build a huge naked bronze statue in your capital city.
    Ragnar: Yeah, that's about right.
    Kindle: (simply)I like it.
    (Horses connected to Groningen. BTW, do you all get it, now? Colossus built by the Vikings.)

    Tribute: The seventh installment. Not too good, but not too bad, huh?
    Janice: I didn't get to reveal my character traits! *burps* Mm, 500 proof alcohol.
    Sham: I didn't appear that much! What's that all about?
    Kindle: *whines* I'm knocked out!
    Knarl: (cynically) I'm being held hostage, Kindle.
    Janet: My twin sister is ruining my life!
    Pippin: (deliriously) Two Janets? I'm in the heavens....
    Nobel: *enters* Okay, zat's right. So zese coins veigh how much? (to Tribute) I'm a senile old fool!
    Tribute: Just shut up, already!
    William: (meanwhile) Why does nobody think of me, anymore? Oh, that's right. I'm too lazy to care.
  8. Ansar

    Ansar Détente avec l'été

    May 20, 2005
    Ithaca, NY (soon)
    2 Janets?! :eek: Double the pleasure, then! :beer: :groucho: :bounce:

    Must have more updates! :goodjob:
  9. Sashie VII

    Sashie VII Balance of Power

    Apr 11, 2004
    Where people build cat statues
  10. carmen510

    carmen510 Deity

    Feb 22, 2006
    NESing Forums
    U know what's wrong with da disk? Maybe put it in technical problems forum?
  11. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    @ carmen510 I know what's wrong. And if you can read .pcx files, you could easily help me fix it. That's right; the 'you' means anyone who reads this! All you need to do is take screenshots of every single folder with the screenshots, file names, and folder name showing. My graphics problem is due to an image mixup that with a bit of matching, can be solved. I'll just save a backup file if anyone is kind enough to do so.

    At any rate, a surprise update!
  12. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    Janice has arrived on the scene. Being the twin sister of Janet, how will the others react to the news? Will they ever find out? What deviousness is Doc-tor Nobel scheming? Where the heck is Captain Sham? And why is Knarl tied to a chair? One thing is known, however: things will not be made clear, at least for this chapter. I'll answer one question. Why was Kindle both knocked out and able to see the Colossus? Well, um, she dreamed about it! That's the ticket! Anyway, my dears, please enjoy the next edition of The Tale of William of Slacker!

    Records found dating The End of 590 BC
    Janice: *whines* Janeeeet! Pleeeeease?
    Janet: (curtly) No.
    Janice: But but but but but but butts?
    Janet: Don't you 'butt' me! Just because I have that condition....
    Janice: (curiously) What condition? *has a moment of recognition* Oh, right! That condition! *snickers*
    Janet: *eyes widen* No. (admonishingly) You would not dare!
    Janice: Tee hee! *burps* Now I've got you!
    Janet: *groans*
    Janice: First order of business, (girlish voice) let's find a pony! *exits flapping her arms behind her*
    Janet: A real beauty queen that one. *exits*
    Nobel: (meanwhile) *enters* Huzzah! Un tree-umf for our civilizay-shun! A coin making machine!
    William: That's great, Doc-tor Nobel. You can put next to all the other coin making machines.
    Nobel: Ah, but zis vun vorks *uses the accent: fast for the first and third ... syllables then short for second and fourth ... ones* very, very, reli-able.
    William: (cynically) It vorks very very reliable, huh? Whatever. *signals for it to be put away*
    Nobel: Watch. *puts some metal in the contraption he holds and pushes a button*
    William: Ooh. *watches as a metal coin shaped with Nobel's face comes out* Very nice. But that's a very ugly face.
    Nobel: *starts to redden* (annoyed) Sure, but-
    William: No, I'm serious. I've never seen such a hideous lookin' face!
    Nobel: *reddens further* (angered) Vell-
    William: And in all my life too!
    Nobel: *steam leaves his ears* Mesa no *shakes his head making saliva fly everywhere* carin' what you think!
    William: *looks around* ... yuck. I think you better fix that. *calls loudly* Pippin! I've got another mess you can clean!
    (Science lowered as Currency will come in soon. Horses will be connected to the rest of the empire.)

    Records found dating 570 BC
    William: You know, I think we need a rulebook around here. Pippin hasn't cleaned up all this saliva. I can't keep inventing punishments all day! I need rest! *yells* Pippin! Where the heck are you? ... Hmmm..., oh Nobeeeelllll!
    Sham: (meanwhile) Okay, they're here. Two Cathaginian brutes are nearing our gates. I approximate that they will arrive at Arnhem in 40 years.
    Soldier: Sir! We lack both defenses and morale! The troops feel that they are outnumbered.
    Sham: And why shouldn't they be? I've been through worse than this and look at me! The biggest winner of all battles. Skewering foes near my spear.
    Soldier: *mutters* More like, the biggest whiner of all battles. Shrieking when foes near my spear.
    Sham: *whispers* ... what are you whispering for? *moves closer*
    Soldier: *raises voice* Nothing, sir!
    Sham: *jumps back* Ah! My ears, private! Insubordination!
    Soldier: No, sir! I would never-
    Sham: *interrupts* Siiiileeeeeeence! (pause) To my office. And as you very well know, people who go into my office don't get meals. In fact, you are assigned to my office for the rest of your days.
    Soldier: But-
    Sham: No 'but's! Move private!
    (Two Carthaginian Warriors appear. Currency in and Code of Laws will complete in 7)

    Records found dating 550 BC
    Knarl: Mmph! Mmph!
    Kindle: *slowly starts to stir* Uunnnn....
    Knarl: Mmph!
    Kindle: Owww. My heeadd. *slowly rises*
    Knarl: Mmph! Mm-mph!
    Kindle: Naked bronze men....
    Knarl: Mmph?
    Kindle: Knarl? Is that you? *a hand hits her on the head* Owww. *falls unconcious*
    Voice: So I've got nothing better to do than stay here. Sue me!
    (Two Carthaginian warriors are in our territory. An American spear nears one of our settlements ... scary. Two settlers move out.)

    Records found dating 530 BC
    Sham: Defense! Defense!
    Soldier: We're defending already. If you haven't noticed, we're being slaughtered, commander!
    Sham: But I don't wanna fight. I need ... to paint my nails.
    Soldier: I thought you did that last week!
    Sham: Um ..., a pedicure then.
    Soldier: Yesterday.
    Sham: Hmm, what's that? *points behind Soldier*
    Soldier: Nothing, sir.
    Sham: Darn. *punches Soldier who falls knocked out and runs away!*
    Soldier: Let's push these buttons men! *pushes buttons* Ooh, 20/100. That's good. Better than the 90/100 we kept getting. Charge men!
    Generic Spearman: Stab, stab, stab! *stabs*
    Generic Warrior: Smash, smash, smash! *smashes*
    Carthaginian Soldier: Oh no! I've fallen down!
    Generic Warrior: Oh, no! Our commander has fallen. *all the warriors run away, trampling the soldier*
    Carthaginian Soldier: Dah! Agh! Oh, the pain! Oh, the burrrrn!
    Soldier: Charge! Stab all you can! *they overrun the retreating warriors*
    Generic Warrior 2: Commander, let's go!
    Carthaginian Soldier 2: Sure. Whatever. Oh my gods! (hysterically) Is that ... blood?! *points*
    Generic Warrior 2: We should find the source!
    Carthaginian Soldier 2: Yes, let's go men! Drop our weapons and pick up the silverware for it's chow time!!! *runs towards Generic Spearmen*
    Generic Spearman: You know, I don't only stab! I'll soon learn to ... impale! *impales Carthaginian Soldier 2*
    Generic Warrior 2: Chow time! *jump onto their fallen commander's body*
    Generic Spearman: *stabs*
    Sham: *enters* What?! The battle's already over?!
    Soldier: Uh, yeah, ... sir.
    Sham: Uh, if you don't mention that I wasn't there, I'll give you a promotion. *grins*
    Soldier: And what about working in your office?
    Sham: *waves his hands in front of him* Alright, you don't have to anymore!
    Soldier: Deal.

    Records found dating The End of 530 BC
    William: *sings* Celebrate! Celebrate! Come on and celebrate...!
    Pippin: *joins in singing*
    Janice: *enters* Hello boys! (She is dressed scandalously)
    Pippin: Janet. *eyes widen* Wooooo.
    Nobel: *enters* Ah, Villiam. Look at zis. Our (accented on very) very first law shall be-
    Janice: *nears Nobel* Oh, Doc-tor, you look so (with emphasis) good.
    Nobel: I knew you would come around, Janet. *takes her by the arm*
    Janice: *burps* Come to my room, if you dare.... *they exit*
    Pippin: *gapes with mouth open* Ock. *faints*
    William: Why does everyone besides me get to faint? I wanna go back to bed, (lengthens in an annoying voice) tooo-ooooo.
    Janet: (meanwhile) I do not know why I have to go through with this! I mean, it is my room! *notices something* Hmm? Who's there? *is knocked out*
    Voice: Excellent. My lord, we've got Janet....
    (Carthage attacks! 1st battle. 3/3 Spear vs 3/3 Warrior -> 1/3 Spear vs 0/3 Warrior 2nd battle. 1/3 Spear vs 3/3 Warrior -> 2/4 Spear vs 0/3 Warrior. The RNG was in my favor! For once.... Palace expansion! And the American Spearman goes away, whew....)

    Records found dating 490 BC
    William: *skips* Lalalalala. Hi, Pippin.
    Pippin: Hey, sir?
    William: *stops* Yeah?
    Pippin: How come nobody is around anymore?
    William: What do you mean?
    Pippin: Um, well, I haven't seen Knarl and Kindle for quite a while....
    William: I'm sure they'll turn up, alright? *pats Pippin on the back* You're doing good work. Now carry me back to my bed. I'm tired. *stretches and yawns*
    Pippin: (weary) Yes, sir.
    Sham: (meanwhile) What the heck? What are they doing near Groningen?
    Soldier: Sir, apparently they want our ponies.
    Sham: But I love my little pony. *starts to sing* My little poneeeeee, my little pony, my little pony, hey, it's a new day. My little-
    Soldier: Okay, sir. We'll just ask the Groningener's to whip up a little archer group for us.
    Sham: Haha, Groningen. It sounds SO bad. Heehee, Groningen.
    (Whip Groningen for an Archer. The Spear will keep the warrior from the good lands and protect the archer. The other spear will guard the other mountain.)

    Records found dating 470 BC
    Sham: Attack!
    Soldier: Uh, sir?
    Sham: What is it now?
    Soldier: The archers are over there. *points* We're the spearmen.
    Sham: ... (quickly) I knew that. *walks over to the archers*
    Soldier 2: I'm the head of this archer squadron. What is it you want me and my boys to do General?
    Sham: Okay, you know what? I'm Captain Sham. Got that? *takes Soldier 2 by the collar*
    Generic Archer: Okay we routed them.
    Sham: How did you do that?!
    Generic Archer: Well, instead of walking up close to the warriors as other archers do, we chose to shoot from afar.
    Sham: *nods* Ahhh. Okay, soldier, you get a promotion. You Groningeners aren't half bad.
    William: (meanwhile) Where is Knarl? Pippin, you've got to take his place.
    Pippin: Alright. Let's see. *mocks Knarl* I'm a vampire boy! And my name is Knarl! *teleports*
    William: Teehee. I'm not coming. *exits*
    Pippin: Trust William to leave me to deal with a cannibal all alone.
    Hannibal: (behind Pippin) Hello, Pippin. *brandishes a knife*
    Pippin: *turns around and jumps back* Aah!
    Hannibal: *smiles* Your friends aren't here to help you....
    Pippin: Um, peace please!
    Hannibal: Oh? Wadda ya want? The rulebook?
    Pippin: Uh, sure.
    Hannibal: Not a chance. I want some gold! If I can't have you, I'll need some to buy someone else! *stands over Pippin*
    Pippin: *leans back* (small voice) Okay. *takes the scroll and teleports*
    Hannibal: Hey! Where's my money? (Cue: Slam) Oww, its like a brick fell on me.... (Cue: Slam) Oww. (Cue: 8 more slams while fading to black)
    Nobel: (meanwhile) Hmm. Now that I've got the rules, I just need to write them down. Hey, what's this?
    Pippin: *appears* Here. *hands Nobel a scroll*
    Nobel: Oh! It's just you. It doesn't matter if you see me without my ridiculous accent. If you tell anyone though, I'll make your life miserable!
    Pippin: Uh, okay. *exits*
    Nobel: Now then, I guess we could always have a new governing style. I think *takes out a big poster* that I'll research The Republic. *traces two lines that point toward The Republic* ... *notices something* Huh? Who's there? Ugh! *falls*
    Voice: We've got Nobel.
    (Archer beats warrior 3/3 to 4/4. Approach Hannibal for peace. We can get CoL for only 10 gold. But that's cause we had 1 turn left on it. However, peace would be free in our favor by a little otherwise. We enter the Middle Ages and start on The Republic. Oh noes! We're losing all our cast!!!)

    Tribute: I like the eighth chapter.
    Sham: We're victorious! Thanks to my bravery, of course.
    William: We pwned those Carthaginians!
    Pippin: What's wrong with Janet? *looks concernedly at Janice*
    Janice Hmm, I wonder where everyone is... *burps*
    Tribute: I don't know what'll happen next. Maybe one of you do? *they shake their heads* I was talking to them. *points out towards the audience*
    Everyone Else: (confused) Who?
    Tribute: Never mind.... Enjoy the show people!
    Everyone Else: No really, who are you talking too???
  13. Sashie VII

    Sashie VII Balance of Power

    Apr 11, 2004
    Where people build cat statues
    Nice update :) Sorry about the graphics though, I lack expertise on these areas :sad:
  14. Ansar

    Ansar Détente avec l'été

    May 20, 2005
    Ithaca, NY (soon)
    :woohoo: continuous updates! :rockon:

    You know, there is room south of Howlerd for you to expand. :mischief:
  15. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    Updating tomorrow or Saturday at the latest. Also, my graphics problems may just be ending....
  16. Marsden

    Marsden Keeper of the HoF Annex Hall of Fame Staff

    Apr 19, 2005
    Good, then I can come out from under the bedsheets. Scary pictures, good story. You sit in the dark and read it with a flashlight.
  17. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    I'm really sorry people, but my save got deleted!!! :cry: However, my graphics are fixed!!! No more Bismark, finally can use F4.... :D I apologize for not being able to finish the story, but if anyone wants to know what would have happened, I could continue it without pictures.... ;)
  18. carmen510

    carmen510 Deity

    Feb 22, 2006
    NESing Forums
    Darn! Awww well. Hope ure next story is even better!
  19. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    May 4, 2005
    Pacific Time Zone
    It probably won't be quite as good. The Fiery French will be more tragic rather than comedic. Sadly, paragraph format, though including more descriptions, is harder to write, possibly lowering my writing capacity.

    I'll continue this comedy; however, it will kinda have a corny ending as I don't have the save anymore. I was planning on many extra subplots. Ah well. And I liked this one too. :(
  20. Sashie VII

    Sashie VII Balance of Power

    Apr 11, 2004
    Where people build cat statues

Share This Page