Janice. Who is she? How does she relate to one of our known characters? Hmm? That's right, you don't know. My foolish readers, let us continue the Tale of William of Slacker. Hopefully, you'll enjoy our new budget cuts-- hey!
Records found dating 925 BC
William: It's like a cycle.
Janet: (hysterically) That's what I've been trying to say! *starts to gasp and exits*
William: Wow, Janet, you're so smart! Perhaps you could "teach" me sometime?
Pippin: Sir, how come you said "teach" differently?
William: Oh, "did" I?
Pippin: You did it again!
William: How dare you "accuse" me of such things? *someone enters*
???: Well, that was a lot of people who just left Amsterdam. Maybe their in search of some luxurious goods!
William: Janet. Come here.
Janet: *enters* (curiously) What?
Pippin: *faints*
William: (deliriously) Ah, two Janets. My life is now complete. *faints*
Janet: *looks at Janet-look alike* You!
(Amsterdam is on a settler cycle of 4 turns. A settler is sent out.)
Records found dating The End of 925 BC
Knarl: *enters* William!
William: *stirs slowly* Ugh. (nasally) What? What is it?
Nobel: *enters* Oh yes! If I do zey zo myzelf!
William: Oh good, you brought my physician.
Knarl: (bored) I try. *moves to William* Let's go, my "king."
Nobel: Eh? What's zat? Are you making fun of my axont? Vell, I am at least much more intelligence than you.
Knarl: Oh yes, you are intelligence.
Nobel: Confirmed!
Knarl: *mutters* isn't it 'affirmed'? *looks towards William* Let's go. *William tries to snuggle back to sleep* NOW! *takes William and teleports*
Nobel: Eh? Espe'ranme, chiquitos. *teleports*
Hannibal: Hello. My pretties. Come to feast?
Knarl: Yeah, I doubt that. Now we-, woah! What's that? *points behind Hannibal*
Hannibal: What? *turns around*
Knarl: *hits him over the head with a scroll* That's what.
Hannibal: Why you little-
Nobel: I vouldn't say that.
Knarl: (congratulating) So you're finally learning, Nobel! *pats him on the back*
Nobel: Learning vat exactly?
Knarl: *frowns*
Hannibal: Hmph, I declare war on you! (Cue: Dun! Dun! Dun! and flash of lightning and boom of thunder)
William: ... those sound effects suck. I'm gonna need a nice rest. *teleports*
Hannibal: Guards seize them.
Guards: Yes, sir! *they rush towards Knarl and Nobel foaming at the mouths*
Nobel: Vat is zer problem? *takes scroll from Knarl and hits some on the head*
Knarl:
Give me that. *takes scroll from Nobel and hits the rest on the head* (Cue sound of falling silverware)
Hannibal: And I wanted to
feast tonight! *exits*
Knarl: As long as nobody's here.... *starts to loot the palace*
Nobel: Okay,,,, vell, hurry up zen! *teleports*
(Carthage demands Mysticism and is rebuffed. Oops, we're at war!)
Records found dating 900 BC
Sham: (commandingly) Keep it moving people. Keep it moving!
Soldier: Aren't you coming with us, Captain?
Sham: (flatly) No.
Soldier: (curiously) Why not?
Sham: I'm the captain and I say 'no'!
Soldier: ... uh, 'no' to what?
Sham: Dah! Just go. *motions them away*
Janet: *fiddles with the board* And that's right. Make a spear, and WE won't lose.
William: *whines* Janet! What about that new town over there? *points*
Janet: (confused) New town?
William: Yeah, the one that, er, someone sent over there to get horses....
Janet: And (really loud on "who") WHO was that?
William: Meep! *quietly* Uh, Pippin.
Pippin: (enraged) WhaaAAt?!
Janet: ... hmm, another worker.
Sham: (meanwhile) *sneezes* Oh.
Nobel: *pops in* You know, a sneeze eez a sign zat somezing vill go wrong. *imitates Indian accent* (please, don't be offended. Longer on 'ver' short on 'ry') Very, very, wrong. *opens mouth and face at an odd angle on 'wrong'*
Sham: Whatever. Wanna fight?
(Troops prepare. At least Carthage is far away.)
Records found dating 825 BC
Pippin: Say, Janet?
Voice: (in the shadows) Yeah?
Pippin: How come you hugged me in front of everyone at the party?
Voice: Did I?
Pippin: Yeah. You did.
Janet: *enters* I would never do that! I hug you when you sleep.
Pippin: That doesn't account for the drool marks though.
Janet: Oh yeah. You're the one who drools whenever I hug you. I call it the Salivation at his Side Effect!
Pippin: *blushes* Woops.
William: (meanwhile) So Janet. What's up with that board. How come the Americans look like they're boxing us in?
Voice: I don't know. I'm just trying to get to the luxurious goods. That's all.
William: Could you bless me with your luxuries?
Voice: Hmm, let me think ... (a more girlish voice), okay!
Janet: (meanwhile) *sneezes*
Pippin: Bless you.
Janet: *sneezes*
Pippin: Bless you.
Janet: *sneezes*
Pippin: Bless you again.
Janet: Ugh. *sneezes and snot flies all over Pippin*
Pippin: Ugh. Eww! *starts flailing*
Janet: Oh, I'm sorry! *Pippin's arm hits her face* So cute but
so stupid! Ow....
(Nothing much. Just notice Americans are boxing us in. Settlers are moving out and Spearmen go east.)
Records found dating 800 BC
William: Wow Janet! That was fun!
Janet: Exactly (nasally) what was fun?
William: You teaching me how to make gummi bears, of course!
Janet: Eh, what? I don't know how to cook.
William: Oh, stop being so modest. They were great! *puts an arm of Janet's shoulder* (confidentially) You know, you can teach me any-
Janet: *pushes William away* Ugh! What is your problem? Men! And there testosteronific problems!
Nobel: *enters* I know, Janet. Maybe a few sessions vith me, and you'll be veeling much bezzer. *winks*
Janet: *slaps Nobel* Not you too! You're supposed to be a doctor!
Sham: *enters* And I'm a captain. Surely, if you hate politics and knowledge, you like the muscles? Hmm?
Janet: *kicks him*
Sham: Ha! You missed!
Janet: *kicks him again*
Sham: (voice becomes small) Yeah, you got it. *collapses*
(Something's wrong in our little community. Surely you can guess who's behind it.)
Records found dating 775 BC
William: Oh, Janet, I'm sorry I insulted you.
Janet: You did?
William: Do you have amnesia? Any blackouts recently?
Janet: *burps* Nope.
William: Really? I'll get Doc-
tor Nobel to look you over.
Janet: Oh, please do!
William: Okay, now I know something's wrong.... *exits*
Janet: *exits*
Pippin: *enters* Janet?
Janet: *enters* What?
Pippin: Wha? Buh? You were-
Janet: (to audience) I just love it when he blubbers! He's so
cute when he does that!
Kindle: *enters*
Janet: Just where have you been? I've had to use the sliders all by myself for a while. (whimsically) A change for the better I must say. But still....
Kindle: You know, we've got a lot of gods to pray to. We really need to narrow it down a bit.
Janet: How many?
Kindle: I lost count.
Janet: Oh that's right. We haven't taught you any mathematics.
Pippin: Buh? Huh??? *whines* Janet! My head is bleeding!
Janet: Run along there Pippin. *pushes him out*
Kindle: Janet? Do you know where Knarl is?
Janet: I think he's ... you know what? I really don't know.
Kindle: Well, thanks anyway, *lowers voice* commoner.
Janet: (loses control) What's that?!
Kindle: Oh, nothing. Just ... young love! *skips out*
(What's going on? Two Janets? And only William and Pippin have the slightest inkling of this!)
Records found dating 710 BC
William: I'm confused. What's going on?
Pippin: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Why are there two Janets?
Knarl: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where's all the loot?!
Hannibal: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where are the battles?
Sham: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where are his troops?
Nobel: (meanwhile) I'm confused. How do you spell that? C-U-R-R-E-N-C-Y? Coinage. Okay. Got it.
Janet: (meanwhile) I'm confused. I seem to be sneezing a lot lately. And I've already dusted the whole place.
Kindle: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Where's Knarl?
Janet: (meanwhile) I'm confused. Why aren't those horses connected yet?
(Confusion mania. And our southern border has been reached. Lux down to 10%)
Records found dating 690 BC
Knarl: Finally.
Hannibal: *enters* Oh you're still here are you.
Knarl: Yeah. There was no loot. But there was a lot of food.
Hannibal: My soldiers! Without their blood, how can I feast on their... oops.
Knarl: Aha! You are a cannibal!
Hannibal: Uh, no I'm not!
Knarl: Don't try to deny it!
Hannibal: Now, hold on there little missy!
Knarl: I'm a boy.
Hannibal: We all know that you're a vampire!
Knarl: Woops. I mean, uh, duh! Everyone knew that already.
Hannibal: I have blackmail against you. For peace, you will surrender your empire!
Knarl: How 'bout just mysticism?
Hannibal: I am insulted by your insolence! Food should not be so rude!
Knarl: Gotcha. *winks and teleports*
(That's right. We can't get peace yet. And Hannibal is a cannibal. And Knarl is a vampire. But they won't tell anyone, right? Lux up to 10%)
Records found dating 630 BC
Janet: Oh my gods!
Pippin: *waddles in* What is it, Janet?
Janet: Oh, Pippin. It's just that I'm claustrophobic. And we're being boxed in to the north too!
Pippin: Those darn Vikings! *pauses* Wait, we're looking at a board. How does it work?
Janet: ... I don't know. A wizard did it.
Tribute: (from above) That's darn well right, and you know it!
Pippin: ... (scared) Janet, I'm scared. *hugs her*
Janet: (confused) What just happned?
Kindle: (meanwhile) Lalalalala! Oh! There you are Knarl!
Knarl: (tied to a chair with a handkerchief over his mouth) Mmph!
Kindle: Well, there's no reason to be so rude. I'm happy to see you too! *moves closer*
Knarl: Mmph! Mmph!
Voice: *knocks Kindle out* Sleep tight precious.
(Oh no! Someone has knocked out Kindle and is holding Knarl hostage! We are being boxed in to the north by the Vikings. Just about only the east is left....)
Records found dating The End of 630 BC
Abe: William. *shrieks* I said 'William'!
William: *teleports* (tiredly) Yeah? What? *yawns*
Abe: We need to know what life is all about. Why are we here? You know. Please tell us.
William: Life is for gummi bears. Yeah that's right.
Abe: George Washington, you're fired.
George: Whaaat?
Abe: You said that life was for the destruction of the English. Well, you're wrong.
William: Wait, who're the English?
Abe: None of your beeswax. You get what I'm sayin'?!
William: Uh, can I go now?
George: Aagh! *runs away from Abe with a whip* Not the money! Anything but my money! Aaaaagh! *runs to exit*
Abe: Get back here slifer scum!
William: ... okaaaaaaay. *teleports*
(Lincoln asks for Philosophy and we give it to him to prevent another war)
Records found dating 610 BC
Voice: *cackles* Yes, yes! Excellent! Horses for everyone!
Janet: *enters* (coldly) I'm afraid that's not the case. Sister.
Janice: Yes, Janet. That's right. *burps* I'm Janice, your twin sister. I love you. *hugs her*
Janet: I know that already. *pushes her off* Say, that's an odd smell.
Janice: What is?
Janet: ... are you drunk?
Janice: Um, nope. *burps*
Janet: (seriously) No. Really.
Janice: Now why do we have to talk about such silly things, sister? Let's discuss my new ponies!
Janet: *yells* Janiiiiiiiiice! *tackles her*
Pippin: *enters* Oh ... my ... gods. *faints*
Kindle: (meanwhile) So you guys just decided to build a huge naked bronze statue in your capital city.
Ragnar: Yeah, that's about right.
Kindle: (simply)I like it.
(Horses connected to Groningen. BTW, do you all get it, now? Colossus built by the Vikings.)
Tribute: The seventh installment. Not too good, but not too bad, huh?
Janice: I didn't get to reveal my character traits! *burps* Mm, 500 proof alcohol.
Sham: I didn't appear that much! What's that all about?
Kindle: *whines* I'm knocked out!
Knarl: (cynically) I'm being held hostage, Kindle.
Janet: My twin sister is ruining my life!
Pippin: (deliriously) Two Janets? I'm in the heavens....
Nobel: *enters* Okay, zat's right. So zese coins veigh how much? (to Tribute) I'm a senile old fool!
Tribute: Just shut up, already!
William: (meanwhile) Why does nobody think of me, anymore? Oh, that's right. I'm too lazy to care.