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The Tale of William of Slacker

Discussion in 'Civ3 - Stories & Tales' started by Tribute, Apr 20, 2006.

  1. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    Joined:
    May 4, 2005
    Messages:
    1,186
    Location:
    Pacific Time Zone
    Author's Note: So I've lost my save. It's okay! I'll just finish this substory and leave the rest up to you, the readers.

    And so, William's advisors slowly disappeared. Where did they go? Who holds them hostage? Who is whisking them away from the Netherlands? Hmm? Hmm? Oh that's right, you don't know.

    Records found dating 450 BC
    William: ... Something's off. Does anyone know what's wrong? Janet?
    Pippin: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Pick me! Pick-
    Janice: ... (considering the possiblilities) hmm, no. Nope. I don't think so. What about you, Captain Sham?
    Pippin: Oh! I know. Pick Pippin! He knows what-
    Sham: (thoughtfully) ... no. I don't believe that anything is wrong. What do you think is going on William?
    William: Something is off.
    Pippin: Pick-
    Sham: (loudly) Shut UUUUUUUUUUUUP! *shakes his head violently while saying that*
    Pippin: *eyes widen in shock* (quietly) me. *slowly walks out*
    William: Ah well. It's probably just my imagination.
    Sham: Yeah. Good night then, sir. *exits*
    Janice: Yeah, yeah. Good night. *exits*
    William: ... ... ... ...?
    Pippin: *enters* My lord William, I know what is wrong!
    William: Yeah? Let me guess.
    Pippin: Hmm?
    William: Everyone is disappearing. You don't feel safe anymore. Janet doesn't seem to like you at all. And Knarl isn't taking advantage of you. Like that last time when he had you digging through the ground for buried treasure, which really turned out to be my old gym socks.
    Pippin: *scowls* Well, yeah. Basically that's what I think's wrong. Uh, okay then, good night, my lord. *exits*
    William: ... heh, and I just figured it out too. *smiles*

    Records found dating 430 BC
    Sham: Any one of us could be a murderer. Or, it could be someone from the outside. Personally, I'm not taking my eyes off of any one of you. Not only is this for your own safety, *lowers voice* but mine too.
    William: (confused) Huh? What'd you say?
    Sham: I didn't say anything.
    Pippin: (innocently) But then why did you start out by saying "Not only is this for your own safety"?
    Sham: And your point is ...? *stares down Pippin*
    Janice: Well, I agree with Captain Sham. We should stay in this room together so that nobody can pick us off one by one and none of us will kill anyone else.
    Pippin: (dazed) Kill? *clutches head and moans* Ohhhhh.
    William: *pouts* Well, I want some gummi bears. *sits down and crosses his arms* Why don't you go Janet?
    Janice: Well, alright then. *exits*
    Sham: Shouldn't we all go with her?
    Pippin: (eagerly) Janet can take care of herself! She's a scary lady. *nods*
    William: Yeah, Sham. She'll be fine. Lighten up why don't you.
    Sham: Wanna fight?
    William: Now, I don't think that- (Cue: Scream offstage) ... what was that?
    Pippin: *wails* Oh no! Janet! *runs out of the room*
    Sham: Quick let's save her! *charges out of the room with a war cry*
    William: Uh, okay. *nonchalantly walks out of the room*
    Janice: (meanwhile) Heh heh. Here they come. *hides*
    Pippin: *runs by* Aaaaaaaaaagh Jaaaaaaaaaanneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
    Janice: Mmm hmm. *blinks a few times* Right.
    Sham: For chivalry!
    Janice: Boo! *jumps out of her hiding place*
    Sham: Waaaaah! *trips and falls on his face* Owwww....
    Janice: So. You thought that a girl needed saving.
    Sham: ... yeah, basically. *gets up*
    Janice: Well, you thought wrong.
    Sham: ... what?
    Janice: Turn around, fool. *points behind him*
    Sham: *turns around* What am I supposed to be seeing? *turns back around*
    Janice: Oh. Wait. I was supposed to run away, wasn't I? Ah well. Hey. Look behind you now. *points*
    Sham: Oh, no. I'm not falling for that again. *wags his finger in front of her.
    William: *enters with a pot in one hand* Surprise! *hits Sham on the back of the head*
    Sham: (woozily) I guess I lose.... *falls unconcious*
    Pippin: *enters running* Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Their after meeeeee- *trips over Sham* Ack!
    Janice: Ah. Pippin. It's about time you came.
    Pippin: Huh? What happened to Captain Sham?
    Janice: There's been a little accident. Come along, Pippin.
    Pippin: Where are we going, Janet?
    Janice: We're going to where all the cool kids hang out.
    Pippin: (innocently) The cool kids, Janet?
    Janice: Yeah, we're going to go right now. William'll come later too.
    Pippin: Uh, okay. What about Captain Sham?
    Janice: Oh, he'll be fine. Well, let's go.

    Records found dating 410 BC

    Janet: (in a cell) So. You got captured too, eh Nobel?
    Nobel: *enters with Guard* Yes, vell, so did you, my zittle munchskeen! *is pushed into another cell and locked in*
    Guard: (foreign sounding voice) Okay, okay now, shut up now. Okay. Please.
    Janet: Hey! Guard!
    Guard: *approaches Janet* Yes?
    Janet: I could give you a good time.... *winks* Just come a little closer. *giggles*
    Guard: Hmm, you know, I would, but I'm straight.
    Knarl: Mmph???
    Nobel: (shortly) Vat?
    Janet: Are you implying that I am a-
    Kindle: *wakes up* Huh?!
    Guard: *hits Kindle on the head* Geez, people! *shouts* I'M FEMALE!!!
    Nobel: *snickers*
    Guard: Oh? What's so funny old man? *approaches Nobel* Huh? Got some sort of mental problem? Huh? ********. *laughs deeply* Hurr hurr hurr. *lowers voice dramatically and lengthens the next word* Retar-ded.
    Janet: Hmmmm. ... Hey, Nobel?
    Nobel: Vat is it, voman?
    Janet: I would like to hear one of your more recent lectures if you would oblige.
    Nobel: Ah, yes, vhere vas I? Ah, right- *head droops and starts to snore*
    Janet: ...
    Guard: ... And that was your amazing plan, wasn't it?
    Janet: Yeah, pretty much.
    Guard: Well, I wouldn't do that again, you female dog! *nears her and hits her with a wooden stick*
    Janet: Ouch! Hey! *slaps Guard*
    Guard: *steps back and untwists her neck* Huh. ... Okay.
    Kindle: Ughhh. *stirs*
    Guard: *hits her on the head* I never get tired of this.
    Janet: ... Hey, guard?
    Guard: Yeah?
    Janet: Shouldn't we be being debriefed by the evil mastermind of this plot with its genius plot twists and connections, already?
    Guard: Just hold on for a moment. ... (Cue: Slamming Door and Echoing, Approaching Footsteps) I think they're here.

    Tribute: Oh noes! The cast will have a final showdown! And then, game over. It has been a fun run. Be sure to check out the last installment as well as my next story that will update more often after this one ends. ... So wait. You're female?!
    Guard: Yes! (hysterical) They get it already!!!
    Tribute: Sure. If you really wanna be one.
    Janet: *appears behind Tribute* (menacingly) And what's that supposed to mean?!
    Tribute: (small voice) Mommy. *runs away*
    Janet: *chases* Get back here!
     
  2. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    Joined:
    May 4, 2005
    Messages:
    1,186
    Location:
    Pacific Time Zone
    Ha! So the group will finally reunite after being removed from each other for so long. What role do Janice and William play? How will Pippin save the day? Will Pippin even save the day? And finally, the question we've all been waiting for, (pause) when do I get a raise?

    Records found dating 390 BC
    Janice: *enters* Hi, sis! *burps* I've been waiting to see you for SOOOOO long!
    Janet: Janice! You, you traitor!
    Nobel: You know, I've met many traitorious chipmunks in my life. Are you a chipmunk, uh, Janet?
    Janice: (indignantly) I'm Janice ... right? *burps*
    Nobel: The chipmunks vere quite intoxicated, are you intoxicated?
    Janice: I'm not drunk! *trips and collapses onto a wall* (shakily) I'm okaaaay! ... Ughhhh.
    Nobel: In my studies, I haff alvays seen ze results of ze intoxicationism-
    Janet: Drunkeness.
    Guard: *holds her head* NNNN!!!
    Nobel: -ze hangover. *gestures towards Janice*
    Janice: *clutches head* Oww. The pain! The agony! *stands up* The nothing! I'm not drunk. *twitches and makes a grimace*
    Janet: Though our sibling bond will never be broken, for now, (beat) I wish it were.
    Janice: Ow! My head. *runs around the room*
    William: *enters* Hi guys! *waves* Pippin's dragging Captain Sham in right now.
    Guard: NNNN-? (enraged) WhaaaaAAAAAAAAAAT?!
    William: What?
    Guard: ... Do you [I}know[/I] how much trouble you have caused you stupid, stu-pid man. Get over here! *moves towards William*
    William: You know what? Why don't I just summon Pippin, uh great lord of evil darkness?
    Guard: *whispers* Ssh! You'll ruin everything!
    William: (out loud) What? What am I going to ruin?
    Guard: *slaps a hand on her forehead* Ow!

    Records found dating 350 BC
    Guard: Okay, now that everybody is here... Hey! Where's Kindle?
    William: She went to the bathroom.
    Guard: Ugh, whatever. Get her now. Janice, get Hannibal and Wang Kon over here. *they leave* And just one thing left to do...-
    Janet: (cynically) You're going to rant, aren't you?
    Guard: ... maybe.
    Janet: Hmph, well carry on. *moves over to Pippin*
    Guard: *rants* First things first, who am I? (silence ensues) ... well? Anyone? ... Okaaaaaaaay, I'm Kon's kid. (Cue: OOOOWEEEEEOOOOOH) *wiggles hands in the air mysteriously*
    Janet: *whispers* Hey Pippin. Hand me that string on your pants.
    Pippin: *whispers back* My loose string?
    Janet: (furiously) Pluck it out already!
    Pippin: Yes, maam. *pulls out a string.* ... Oops.
    Janet: ... wow.
    Guard: Hey, is anyone listening?
    Janet and Pippin: NO!!!

    Records found dating 310 BC
    Guard: And to reveal my true form. (Cue: Magical eerie transformation sequence)
    Janet: ... That was cheesy.
    Janice: Yeah, I know we're supposed to be on opposite sides here, but I've got to agree.
    Nobel: So, how vas ze medicine zat I gave you?
    Janice: That was ... water.
    Nobel: Are you implying somezing? Vat are you trying to say?
    Kon's Kid: So I'm a just a teenager. And the world hates me. But the world did not count on the fact that I hate it too!
    Janet: Yes. (Cue: Click!) We're free! *runs out of her cell to Knarl*
    Knarl: Ow. (The handkerchief removed was red.) *he looks at the Kon's Kid and jumps toward her* (Cue: Smack)
    Janet: You do NOT under any circumstances attack a female being! Just cause you think you're so tough. But you're not. *slaps Knarl again*
    Pippin: Janet, what about me?
    Janet: Hold on Pippin. I'm coming. *she walks over to Pippin's cell but it drops down and reappears on the other side of the room.* (At the same time, more bronze bars drop down from the center of the room.)
    Pippin: *appears* (wide-eyed) That was one convoluted elevator.
    Janet: Wait a minute. That prison room was ersatz!
    Knarl: We do not have time to tell tales about ersatz elevators....
    Nobel: Hellooo? Does anyone care about me?
    Knarl and Janet: Shut up!
    Knarl: Baldy.
    Janet: Fool.
    Kon's Kid: Hahahahaha! Though you are free, I still have all my lackeys and Pippin!

    Records found dating 290 BC
    Pippin: Janeeeeeeeetttt! Help meeeeeeeee!
    Janet: Calm down, Pippin. It looks like she still wants something from you. (fearful) You're safe for now. *frowns*
    Kon's Kid: And release the prisoner ... Oh my gods!
    Janet: Oh dear....
    Knarl: *drools*
    Janet: *raises an eyebrow* Are you alright Knarl?
    Knarl: Yeah. Fine. *continues staring at Pippin*
    Janet: (very seriously) Knarl, ... are you gay?
    Knarl: Yeah, sure whatever.
    Janet: *farts* Oh. Heehee. *blushes*
    Janice: *enters* Okay, we're here. *Hannibal and Wang Kon enter*
    William: *enters* Kindle, what's taking you so long?
    Kindle: *enters* A girl's gotta look good, ya know!

    Records found dating 270 BC
    Kon's Kid: So it all began when, Knarl visited me and my father in our palace. (Cue: Flashback, Grayscale, and Fuzzy Edged Perspective)

    Wang Kon: (meanwhile) Now, my dearie, time for your bath!
    Kon's Kid: Dad, I said I don't want to. It's people like you that make me so mad! The world hates me....
    Wang Kon: The world does not hate you! Remember the time when I got that black bleach for your hair?
    Kon's Kid: Yeah. So what? You probably wanted my hair to die from the poison in there.
    Knarl: *teleports in ending up with his fangs on Wang Kon's neck.* Wang Kon!
    Wang Kon: Woah! *jumps* Ow. *frees himself* You know, you really shouldn't sneak up on someone like that.
    Kon's Kid: Who's the cool freak?
    Knarl: You know, I was very goth when I was younger. (with relish) Have you ever killed a man?
    Kon's Kid: (smaller voice) Uh, no.
    Knarl: It's an enjoyable experience. To drink the blood of mine enemies... *grins evilly*
    Kon's Kid: Daddy, he's scary!
    Wang Kon: Er, what do you want Knarl?
    Knarl: You know what I want.
    Wang Kon: ... well, what do you want?
    Knarl: Hand it over.
    Wang Kon: *picks up his daughter and gives it to Knarl* Here.
    Kon's Kid: Hey!
    Knarl: You know what? I'll get it myself. *exits*
    Wang Kon: Wait! That's stealing! *trips and falls*
    Kon's Kid: Dad, I wanted you to know. *stands over him* I hate you. (Cue "Dun! Dun! Dun!")


    Pippin: Dun. Dun. Dun?
    Kon's Kid: Shut up, cutie.

    Kon's Kid: *eyes glow red and back to brown*
    Wang Kon: ... Master. What is my name?
    Kon's Kid: You will be called 'Wang Kon' and you are to fetch King Hannibal of the Carthaginians for me. Understood?
    Wang Kon: Understood. I will be referred to as 'Wang Kon and you are to fetch King Hannibal of the Carthaginians for me' And what is my mission?
    Kon's Kid: ... what are you, an idiot?
    Wang Kon: Accepted. I am to be an idiot.
    Kon's Kid: *slaps hand on forehead* Ow.


    Kon's Kid: And then, I brought Hannibal over to my palace.

    Hannibal: Hohoho! Fresh meat! *leers at Kon's Kid*
    Kon's Kid: Do you want a taste? Come here, if you please.
    Hannibal: *leans forward*
    Kon's Kid: *eyes flash yellow and back to brown*
    Hannibal: Mistress, you taste horrible. I suggest taking a bath.
    Kon's Kid: *bawls and runs out of the room* The world hates meeeeeeeeeeeeee!


    Nobel: By joves I've got it! It's ridiculously simple! Any old fool could have-
    Kon's Kid: And then, I met up with Hannibal's servant, Janice.
    Janice: Hey guys! *hiccups*
    Kon's Kid: And we all know what color my eyes flashed then.
    Pippin: The same as before?
    Kon's Kid: No! The first was red, the second was yellow. And the third was?
    Pippin: Green?
    Kon's Kid: No! I can't believe I want to marry you.
    Pippin: Waah! I'm colorblind.
    Janet: (seriously) Pippin, we were watching in grayscale.
    Pippin: Oh. Wait, you wanna marry me! I can't get married. (hysterically) I'm not even of age. I'm not royalty. And I've got no pants!
    Kon's Kid: That's okay. I don't either. (Cue: Cheesy Transformation Sequence 2)
    Pippin: Holy cows!
    William: *snorts and wakes up* Eh what? I wasn't sleeping!
    Janice: *steps in quickly* I wasn't drinkin' the beer! *burps*
    Sham: (still sleeping) Stab 'em. Harder, faster. Harder, faster!
    Nobel: Yes, it's so perfect, if it vere female, I vould hug it and kiss it!
    Kon's Kid: Moooo.
    Janet: I'm not afraid of you. I've milked cows before.
    Pippin: I'm gonna marry a cowwww!
    Knarl: I feel your pain Pippin. And not that way either, Janet!
    Janet: *snickers* Right. *farts and blushes*

    Records found dating 250 BC
    Knarl: (cynically) So basically, we've got to stop the creature from marrying Pippin.
    Janet: Exactly, anything girl that has only one big saggy boob that pisses anywhere she wants, lactating all over the place-
    Knarl: Enough!
    Janet: With its three stomachs, and no manners-
    Pippin: Janet! Ewwww! I don't wanna. *starts to cry*
    Janet: Don't worry, it's probably vegetarian.
    Knarl: *picks up a skull* (sarcastically) My, what a curiously shaped pebble this is.
    Kindle: Well, this is so not chic, I'm leaving. *exits*
    Sham: Okay, troops, first plan of action. Save your commander! Aaaah! *runs out the door*
    Cow: Get them.
    Wang Kon: Get who?
    Hannibal: I'm on it. *grins devilishly and exits*
    Cow: Noowwwww!
    Wang Kon: Instruction denied. Only one big moo was heard.
    Cow: *kicks Wang Kon out the door*
    Wang Kon: Aagh! (shakily) 'm okaaay.
    Cow: So, Pippin. It's time.
    Pippin: How ironic. The hero is now so helpless.
    Nobel: Iron is a tough material. Some people are so hard-headed too. Did you know that being stubborn is bad for you health? I've read once that being healthy makes you smart. That means that I'm healthy and smart and physically active-
    William: Pippin. Don't talk like that. It's not like I've betrayed you or anything.
    Pippin: Haven't you?
    William: Uh, no. *looks the other way and whistles*
    Janice: Ooh! Wouldja lookat that! Our first iron export. Everyone gets a piece. One for you... *hands out iron swords to everyone*
    Janet: *takes her piece* Wait a minute. How ironic.... Pippin, are you just acting stupid or something?
    Knarl: I bet he is.
    Pippin: Look what I can do! *rides the cow*
    Cow: Get offa me! *tries but fails to buck off Pippin.*
    Knarl: ... or not.
    Janet: Knarl, help me. You too Nobel. *they start hacking at the bronze bars*
    William: *starts hacking too* Ooh, this looks fun!
    Cow: MOOOO! Stop! You're ruining everything.
    Janice: I hic never knew iron could be so luxurious. *starts cutting too* (Cue: Clang!)
    Cow: MOOOOO!
    Janet: Yes!
    Knarl: Rock!
    Cow: Grrr.... *gallops, leans forward, and kicks Pippin back*
    Pippin: *falls off* Aaaaah. Ow. *lands on William*
    William: My spleen....
    Nobel: Now, vould be a great time to tell you, my lord of ze vonderful discoveries zat ze Doc-tor Nobel have made. Did you know zat our ideas of ze Code of Laws and our Philosophies can be brought together for a new government style?
    William: I am in pain. Tell me more.
    Nobel: Yes, vell....
    Janet: (meanwhile) Pippin! *hugs him*
    Pippin: Janet! *hugs her*
    Kindle: *screams running in and jumps on Knarl*
    Knarl: Get offa me, woman! *pushes her off*
    Wang Kon, Hannibal, and Cow: *enter*
    Cow: You thought you could escape me.
    Janet: Well, yes, considering how you ran away from us....
    Cow: Well, I was only running away to get ... this! *reveals Sham ready to be chopped up by Janice*
    Janet: Janice! No!
    Cow: You may be wondering, why is William not under my spell.

    Records found dating 230 BC
    Knarl: (louder and louder) Will-i-am!
    William: (resignedly) What did I do this time?
    Janet: You took false lessons from Janice?
    William: We made really good gummi bears too. And she talked about a weird game where I capture you guys and stuff so that Pippin could marry a bovine. I don't know what a bovine is, but I was happy that Pippin would be getting married-
    Knarl: The only bovine that Pippin will be getting married to is Janet.
    Janet: ???
    Knarl: Now, let's save Sham. *dashes off to Hannibal*
    Janet: *waits a while* Was that a compliment or an insult? *rushes Wang Kon*
    William: Uh huh. And then what do the people do?
    Nobel: Vell, you see....
    Pippin: Wait Janet! *runs blindly*
    Cow: MOOOO! *Pippin runs into Cow and knocks it onto its head* How did you know how to defeat me? ... *disappears*
    Pippin: Aaaagh! *runs to exit*
    Janet: ... I guess that turned out well.

    Records found dating 170 BC
    Janet: I don't think anyone likes you, William. They say you did this out of your own free will. And they also disapprove of your appointing Janice as your Trade Advisor.
    William: *raises his arms in the air* (innocently) Can I help it if I love gummi bears?
    Janet: Well, can I help it if I just accidentally slap you silly?
    William: ... uh oh. *runs*
    Nobel: Ve vill call zis ze Republeek of ze people! Viva el Rey!
    Pippin: Doesn't that mean we're a communist society with monarchs?
    Nobel: You obviously haff no idea vat in ze vorld you are talking about. Okai-ee?
    Pippin: *edges away slowly eyeing Nobel, then rushes to exit*
    Sham: Are you sure you're not impressed?
    Janice: Oh I am. But you gotta try my gummi bears first!
    Sham: *groans*
    Kindle: Come on, Knarl. Cheer up! I know a game we could play.
    Knarl: I know a game too. It's called Shut-The-Underworlds-Up. You can go first.
    Kindle: ...

    Tribute: And that's the end of what I can do without the save. Obviously, every ten chapters or so would be an age. But that cannot occur. Please read my next story that has already started "The Fiery French" linked in my signature.
    Janet: You're just a lazy unimaginative bum. Was that plaigarism in there?
    Tribute: Uh, no. So don't sue me. *runs off*
    William: Does this mean I can go to bed now?
     
  3. Tribute

    Tribute Not Sarcastic

    Joined:
    May 4, 2005
    Messages:
    1,186
    Location:
    Pacific Time Zone
    I obviously would've won this one without any difficulties. Of course.

    But without the saves, the tale is over. There's so much more I would've been able to write....

    But thank you readers for enjoying my tale.
     
  4. carmen510

    carmen510 Deity

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2006
    Messages:
    8,125
    Location:
    NESing Forums
    I read them and its kinda funny.
     
  5. Sashie VII

    Sashie VII Balance of Power

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    2,370
    Location:
    Where people build cat statues
    Tribute, I read them. But I've been kinda busy and so I just saved them and read them at home so I couldn't post my comments..sorry :(
     

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