Trouble Family problems
- Thread starter itsmelisa
- Start date
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
In the old wild west, there were two blonde cowpokes, krish and jack. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "i hate indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "if any man brings me the head of an indian, i'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; jeff threw a rock which hit the indian right on the head.
The indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, jack said, "krish, take a look at this." Krish replied, "not now, i'm busy."
Jack tugged him on the shoulder and says, "i really think you should look at this."
Krish said, "look, you can see i'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But jack was adamant. "Please, krish, take a look at this."
So krish looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red indians.
Krish just shook his head and said, "oh . . . My . . . God . . .. We're going to be millionaires!"
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
The barman shakes his hand and says, "i hate indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "if any man brings me the head of an indian, i'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; jeff threw a rock which hit the indian right on the head.
The indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, jack said, "krish, take a look at this." Krish replied, "not now, i'm busy."
Jack tugged him on the shoulder and says, "i really think you should look at this."
Krish said, "look, you can see i'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But jack was adamant. "Please, krish, take a look at this."
So krish looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red indians.
Krish just shook his head and said, "oh . . . My . . . God . . .. We're going to be millionaires!"
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
Swedishguy
Deity
Do you understand the contradictive part of what you just said?
Spambots add nothing to the content of a post (QFE). Jokebots are at least humorous
Hey Lisa, do you do anything else other than posting jokes?
Yep, I do watch u guys being irritate by my jokes and posting like a mad.
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Jack: Newton's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Jack: That was Newton's skeleton when he was child .
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
Jack: Newton's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Jack: That was Newton's skeleton when he was child .
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
Can delete this if its posted already!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Franklin and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" fromcv the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.9! 9"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints...]
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
--------------------------------------------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Franklin and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" fromcv the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.9! 9"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints...]
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as president clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "now, there's the biggest horse's ass i've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, hillary clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" The man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, hillary clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" The man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
One night, a delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above new jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, michael jordan, bill gates, the dali lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "i have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in new jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and i have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "i am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill gates rose and said, "gentlemen, i am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The dali lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the dali lama spoke. "My son," he said, "i have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of true enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and i will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
"Gentlemen," he began, "i have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in new jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and i have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "i am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill gates rose and said, "gentlemen, i am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The dali lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the dali lama spoke. "My son," he said, "i have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of true enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and i will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He
went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would
start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?"
A little teeny voice came out of the box... "I heard you the
first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would
start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?"
A little teeny voice came out of the box... "I heard you the
first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes.
Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and hes sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesnt smell very good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He cant believe it, then it hits him. The pope wont talk to him, hes concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones.
Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says,
I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and hes sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesnt smell very good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He cant believe it, then it hits him. The pope wont talk to him, hes concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones.
Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says,
I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
1) It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
2) A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
3) A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
4) The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
5) A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
2) A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
3) A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
4) The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
5) A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady,
was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.
Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady,
was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.
Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
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- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
----------
- Lisa
Only The Best Funny Jokes:
http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
