Assuming you're a heterosexual male (the majority here, I suspect), let me paint a scenario:
Suppose at your work, (though it's important to note, she works in an entirely different office - so while one might say 'you work with her', you have to go as high as the Secretary of Defense before the two of you have the same boss) there's this incredibly attractive chick, and she regularly makes eyes at you.
First, a more detailed description - she's fairly tall, a good height. Which is fitting, because you are tall as well. Also, she's a looker - pretty glamorous. And then, below the face, everything in that department is just about all you could hope for. As for personality, she's got a good intellect, and self-confidence. She's a bit younger than you - but hey... that's ideal. Also, she's pretty sociable (*cough* more so, than you are). You listen intently when you can, to hear how she interacts with her coworkers, to get an idea of what being around her would be like. Ahh, it all seems perfect.
Is she too good for you? Hmmm, it would seem not. Looks like a pretty good match, in all honesty.
Alright, that's the description... now to the chain of events that have unfolded:
Like I said, she's been making eyes at you... quite a bit, actually. And not only that, but sometimes when you're in (your work space), she'll come over, lean against the counter, and pretend she's watching the TV. But in reality, it's more than obvious she's hoping you'll break the ice. Unfortunately, you're horrible at that sort of thing. But, she persists, giving you more opportunities. For example, when you go on your break, to a lounge down the hall, she 'conveniently' uses that time to stroll down there, doing something routine - but as soon as she walks in (and it's just the two of you) she seems extra-friendly, and attempting to get to know you further.
Plus, when you see her in passing, she gives you this more-than-just-the-average-friendly smile (for sure).
You've been racking your brain, trying to figure out if she's just naturally this friendly with everyone, or if she thinks you're something more special. But, it seems like she does. Plus, you only live once. So, one evening, after a few successful -professional/typical- interactions, including her ordering a pizza, and then going out of her way to give you some of it, you decide to leave a note for her that evening, just to say thanks... plus you compliment her in such a way... that is arguably open to interpretation. I.e., if she's attracted to you - she'll know you feel the same. But on the other hand, if you've made a mistake, she could take the note to her boss, attorney, etc. and they would not find you guilty of saying anything remotely inappropriate, or unprofessional. Basically, you just go out on a limb a bit, and hope for another sign that your 'advances' are welcome.
But, that's where the fairy tale ends, and cold hard reality begins. As it would seem, she's got a boyfriend already (and he's nothing special, IMO), but using your highly calculating brain, you deduce that what's really going on here, is she's esssentially building a 'reserve pool' of 'backup boyfriend(s)'. Quite the social butterfly. Nothing bad about that - perhaps to be expected, for such a woman.
So, you have no expectation of 'taking the slot/position' any time soon. But if it becomes available, she'll keep your résumé on file, and will contact you if/when the time comes.
Now see, I'm not exactly used to this - and I don't particularly like it. It's a blow to your pride/ego, especially if you're someone that thinks highly of himself. But then it dawned on me, maybe "this is how it works!" -for these types of women, once you reach a certain age (post-college years). Damn, this sucks. So just how aggressive am I supposed to be anyway? Maybe she wants me to compete, and may the best man win. However, I've never played this 'game' before. Not sure it's 'me'.
Not sure I should be the 'alternate'. I'd like to think there's too many other fish in the sea, that would actually be available, and jump at the chance to enter a relationship with me, immediately. Maybe I expect too much.
So, do I "stay in the fight", and risk doing something inappropriate & opening a giant can of worms, meddling in 'other peoples' affairs', or do I be the gentleman, and back down, remaining purely professional?
But keep in mind, I never would have considered any of this, if she didn't telegraph me the 'go ahead' signs in the first place (all before I knew she was already in a relationship). Though, I'm really not interested in being 'the alternate'. In fact, the mere idea of it pisses me off. How would she like to be my 'alternate girlfriend'?! Ha, I think not. So why is it I'm supposed to be the one, with crushable and re-inflatable pride & self-esteem? I maintain there must be better waters, elsewhere... but that's a much more long-term plan.
Best I can figure, I expect things too happen for me too easily, and I don't think I should have to fight. But it's a double-edged sword... once I do get engaged and start 'battling', I can get pretty determined. But, I can honestly say I've never actually had to apply this in the 'relationships arena' before, and this whole thing seems beneath my dignity. But BLAST, it dawns on me that this may be what I should come to expect, from here on out...
Also, another problem is - my personality is rough around the edges, when it comes to getting to know new people (I am not 'light hearted'). It would be easier for me to take her away Viking Berserker style, than smoothly & cunningly steal her away out of her current relationship (I'm a MUCH better writer, than speaker...) But once you get to know me, it's fine. It's the initial phase of 'courting' that I'm not so good at. I'm perceived as unfriendly, because I'm not really into small talk with (quasi-)stangers; a critical deficiency when it comes to this type of thing.
Oh well, there it is. I'm just wondering if I'm the only man around that is 'too good' to be the 'alternate'. But, it seems like the old joke is really true - "Women are like parking spaces; all the good ones are taken, the only ones available are handicapped." -Thus, this inevitable predicament. My problem is, my testosterone is to high to play the smooth, slick, 'Knight in shining armor' game. I'm too rough around the edges. Seriously.
So, what am I going to go do? I'm going to go pump some iron. Then play some computer games. Damn it all to H3ll. Oh well, if I get any more 'signals', I'll act accordingly - maybe.
Suppose at your work, (though it's important to note, she works in an entirely different office - so while one might say 'you work with her', you have to go as high as the Secretary of Defense before the two of you have the same boss) there's this incredibly attractive chick, and she regularly makes eyes at you.
First, a more detailed description - she's fairly tall, a good height. Which is fitting, because you are tall as well. Also, she's a looker - pretty glamorous. And then, below the face, everything in that department is just about all you could hope for. As for personality, she's got a good intellect, and self-confidence. She's a bit younger than you - but hey... that's ideal. Also, she's pretty sociable (*cough* more so, than you are). You listen intently when you can, to hear how she interacts with her coworkers, to get an idea of what being around her would be like. Ahh, it all seems perfect.
Is she too good for you? Hmmm, it would seem not. Looks like a pretty good match, in all honesty.
Alright, that's the description... now to the chain of events that have unfolded:
Like I said, she's been making eyes at you... quite a bit, actually. And not only that, but sometimes when you're in (your work space), she'll come over, lean against the counter, and pretend she's watching the TV. But in reality, it's more than obvious she's hoping you'll break the ice. Unfortunately, you're horrible at that sort of thing. But, she persists, giving you more opportunities. For example, when you go on your break, to a lounge down the hall, she 'conveniently' uses that time to stroll down there, doing something routine - but as soon as she walks in (and it's just the two of you) she seems extra-friendly, and attempting to get to know you further.
Plus, when you see her in passing, she gives you this more-than-just-the-average-friendly smile (for sure).
You've been racking your brain, trying to figure out if she's just naturally this friendly with everyone, or if she thinks you're something more special. But, it seems like she does. Plus, you only live once. So, one evening, after a few successful -professional/typical- interactions, including her ordering a pizza, and then going out of her way to give you some of it, you decide to leave a note for her that evening, just to say thanks... plus you compliment her in such a way... that is arguably open to interpretation. I.e., if she's attracted to you - she'll know you feel the same. But on the other hand, if you've made a mistake, she could take the note to her boss, attorney, etc. and they would not find you guilty of saying anything remotely inappropriate, or unprofessional. Basically, you just go out on a limb a bit, and hope for another sign that your 'advances' are welcome.
But, that's where the fairy tale ends, and cold hard reality begins. As it would seem, she's got a boyfriend already (and he's nothing special, IMO), but using your highly calculating brain, you deduce that what's really going on here, is she's esssentially building a 'reserve pool' of 'backup boyfriend(s)'. Quite the social butterfly. Nothing bad about that - perhaps to be expected, for such a woman.
So, you have no expectation of 'taking the slot/position' any time soon. But if it becomes available, she'll keep your résumé on file, and will contact you if/when the time comes.
Now see, I'm not exactly used to this - and I don't particularly like it. It's a blow to your pride/ego, especially if you're someone that thinks highly of himself. But then it dawned on me, maybe "this is how it works!" -for these types of women, once you reach a certain age (post-college years). Damn, this sucks. So just how aggressive am I supposed to be anyway? Maybe she wants me to compete, and may the best man win. However, I've never played this 'game' before. Not sure it's 'me'.
Not sure I should be the 'alternate'. I'd like to think there's too many other fish in the sea, that would actually be available, and jump at the chance to enter a relationship with me, immediately. Maybe I expect too much.
So, do I "stay in the fight", and risk doing something inappropriate & opening a giant can of worms, meddling in 'other peoples' affairs', or do I be the gentleman, and back down, remaining purely professional?
But keep in mind, I never would have considered any of this, if she didn't telegraph me the 'go ahead' signs in the first place (all before I knew she was already in a relationship). Though, I'm really not interested in being 'the alternate'. In fact, the mere idea of it pisses me off. How would she like to be my 'alternate girlfriend'?! Ha, I think not. So why is it I'm supposed to be the one, with crushable and re-inflatable pride & self-esteem? I maintain there must be better waters, elsewhere... but that's a much more long-term plan.
Best I can figure, I expect things too happen for me too easily, and I don't think I should have to fight. But it's a double-edged sword... once I do get engaged and start 'battling', I can get pretty determined. But, I can honestly say I've never actually had to apply this in the 'relationships arena' before, and this whole thing seems beneath my dignity. But BLAST, it dawns on me that this may be what I should come to expect, from here on out...
Also, another problem is - my personality is rough around the edges, when it comes to getting to know new people (I am not 'light hearted'). It would be easier for me to take her away Viking Berserker style, than smoothly & cunningly steal her away out of her current relationship (I'm a MUCH better writer, than speaker...) But once you get to know me, it's fine. It's the initial phase of 'courting' that I'm not so good at. I'm perceived as unfriendly, because I'm not really into small talk with (quasi-)stangers; a critical deficiency when it comes to this type of thing.
Oh well, there it is. I'm just wondering if I'm the only man around that is 'too good' to be the 'alternate'. But, it seems like the old joke is really true - "Women are like parking spaces; all the good ones are taken, the only ones available are handicapped." -Thus, this inevitable predicament. My problem is, my testosterone is to high to play the smooth, slick, 'Knight in shining armor' game. I'm too rough around the edges. Seriously.
So, what am I going to go do? I'm going to go pump some iron. Then play some computer games. Damn it all to H3ll. Oh well, if I get any more 'signals', I'll act accordingly - maybe.
Which my answer to that is screw that...
