Would you accept being the 'alternate boyfriend'?

[JerichoHill]

Dude, find yourself a single girl. Why even bother with one that is not?

22 and you're 28? Come on man, you know how immature they are. Hell I know how I was back then at your age. Seriously...

 

[Lotus49]

boyfriend = committed relationship w/ open flirting w/ other guys = girl you do not want to get to know further.

seriously, is this a tough lesson to learn? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, same on me.

If there is anything that I have learned, it is that the hot girl with a boyfriend has plenty of near clones who are single, somewhere in the same city, and you prolly know a few.

So, why insert yourself?

Perhaps I should come clean. I was engaged once. I also went out of state for graduate school. In that time, a guy got friendly with her, and then did exactly what many of you advocate, a few months before the wedding. While I am immensely glad that she revealed her non-moral self before i married her, thus saving me heartbreak when children were present, THATS the other side of the coin, and alot of bad sh*t happens.

So if you want to advocate him trying it out, I cannot support that. Period.

Yes... BUT, my rationale was that (bearing in mind she's a bit younger than me), her potential might be worth giving a chance, thus it would be worth sticking around to explore the possibilities a bit. I.e., it seemed to me that if you could wipe out a certain amount of immaturity (particularly in the relationships department), the finished, polished product at my side might be worth it.

I'd tend to have that effect. Once/if we were in a relationship, I'd boost her maturity and long-term outlook pretty quick (and I would expect progress, otherwise...). I have that effect on people, I make them more down-to-Earth, and focus more clearly on things that matter, and that you should live your life for an honorable, respectable purpose, and not waste your time here, getting caught up in foolish crap.

My own potential is not (even close to) fully realized, and I'm far from perfect. I guess I see the same in her. And MAYBE... she saw the same in me, which is why she kept eyeballing me, consistently, for some time. -Plus using every opportunity available to interact a little (though unfortunately, I tend to be a bit cold towards people I don't know well... but, I tried!)

So, the soap opera goes on...

But most importantly, life is too short to worry, or stress. So, it's not exactly "getting to me". Only thing is, it would be nice if fate could just make up it's mind, and get it over with.

 

[Neonanocyborgasm]

But, that's where the fairy tale ends, and cold hard reality begins. As it would seem, she's got a boyfriend already (and he's nothing special, IMO), but using your highly calculating brain, you deduce that what's really going on here, is she's esssentially building a 'reserve pool' of 'backup boyfriend(s)'. Quite the social butterfly. Nothing bad about that - perhaps to be expected, for such a woman.

There is no such thing. Women are not so calculating as to collect a boyfriend reserve in case the current one doesn't work out. What she is doing is exploiting her attractiveness in order to collect lackeys, not boyfriends, and you are her next sucker. You will be the one doing errands for her, listening to her complain, and being the shoulder to cry on. But one thing that you can be rest assured that you'll never do is hit that.

If she is as attractive as this story suggests, she is never concerned about a lack of a warm body next to her. She knows that she can have any man she wants, and is definitely not concerned enough to build a reserve pool of boyfriends "just in case."

You can turn this around by simply ignoring the existence of the boyfriend, and indicating, whether overtly or subtly, that you'd like to hit that yourself. If you are not fond of the direct approach, simply flirt with her intensely. She will get the message loud and clear, whichever way you choose, and will either respond by either taking you up on your offer, or ditching you. Either way, you would have done yourself a favor.

Moral of the story: don't let women control the situation. You're the man, so it's up to you to do that. Don't be shy about what you want and what you expect out of the woman. If you stand firm, it will be its own reward because women like a man who knows what he wants, and goes after it.

 

[JerichoHill]

@@Lotus49

Yes... BUT, my rationale was that (bearing in mind she's a bit younger than me), her potential might be worth giving a chance, thus it would be worth sticking around to explore the possibilities a bit. I.e., it seemed to me that if you could wipe out a certain amount of immaturity (particularly in the relationships department), the finished, polished product at my side might be worth it.
--So, in other words, you think you can change someone. Newsflash here buddy, you cannot change someone. Drugs can, but people are people and they stay that way. Love is not a stock market, where you can buy low and sell high, so to speak. Low stays low, so you have to start off high.


I'd tend to have that effect. Once/if we were in a relationship, I'd boost her maturity and long-term outlook pretty quick (and I would expect progress, otherwise...). I have that effect on people, I make them more down-to-Earth, and focus more clearly on things that matter, and that you should live your life for an honorable, respectable purpose, and not waste your time here, getting caught up in foolish crap.
--Really? Are you sure? If that's so, why hasn't it worked out before. Here's what's going on. In the beginning of a relationship, partners tend to absorb the characteristics of the other, becoming more alike. After a period of time, which varies from person to person, the underlying personalities re-emerge (hence, the honeymoon phase ends).


My own potential is not (even close to) fully realized, and I'm far from perfect. I guess I see the same in her. And MAYBE... she saw the same in me, which is why she kept eyeballing me, consistently, for some time. -Plus using every opportunity available to interact a little (though unfortunately, I tend to be a bit cold towards people I don't know well... but, I tried!)
--You have to be okay with who you are, which from your quote, you're not. Who cares if you're far from perfect? Obviously you do, since you mention it. Popeye says : I ams what I ams. Think about it.
--Also, she is NOT single. So you want to put time and resources into a commodity which is already spoken for. Doesn't make sense, better to expend said resources on commodities with higher returns, aka single people. Focusing on non-available people is a psychological defense mechanism to cope with one's fears or inabilities to attract a mate.

But most importantly, life is too short to worry, or stress. So, it's not exactly "getting to me". Only thing is, it would be nice if fate could just make up it's mind, and get it over with.
--Fate has. You are not recognizing it. Find a single girl.

 

[JerichoHill]

There is no such thing. Women are not so calculating as to collect a boyfriend reserve in case the current one doesn't work out. What she is doing is exploiting her attractiveness in order to collect lackeys, not boyfriends, and you are her next sucker. You will be the one doing errands for her, listening to her complain, and being the shoulder to cry on. But one thing that you can be rest assured that you'll never do is hit that.

If she is as attractive as this story suggests, she is never concerned about a lack of a warm body next to her. She knows that she can have any man she wants, and is definitely not concerned enough to build a reserve pool of boyfriends "just in case."

Moral of the story: don't let women control the situation. You're the man, so it's up to you to do that. Don't be shy about what you want and what you expect out of the woman. If you stand firm, it will be its own reward because women like a man who knows what he wants, and goes after it.

Aside from that middle paragraph where NanoCy seems to be okay with going after non-single people, these three paragraphs are pretty money

 

[Bozo Erectus]

Assuming you're a heterosexual male (the majority here, I suspect), let me paint a scenario:

Suppose at your work, (though it's important to note, she works in an entirely different office - so while one might say 'you work with her', you have to go as high as the Secretary of Defense before the two of you have the same boss) there's this incredibly attractive chick, and she regularly makes eyes at you.

First, a more detailed description - she's fairly tall, a good height. Which is fitting, because you are tall as well. Also, she's a looker - pretty glamorous. And then, below the face, everything in that department is just about all you could hope for. As for personality, she's got a good intellect, and self-confidence. She's a bit younger than you - but hey... that's ideal. Also, she's pretty sociable (*cough* more so, than you are). You listen intently when you can, to hear how she interacts with her coworkers, to get an idea of what being around her would be like. Ahh, it all seems perfect.

Is she too good for you? Hmmm, it would seem not. Looks like a pretty good match, in all honesty.

Alright, that's the description... now to the chain of events that have unfolded:

Like I said, she's been making eyes at you... quite a bit, actually. And not only that, but sometimes when you're in (your work space), she'll come over, lean against the counter, and pretend she's watching the TV. But in reality, it's more than obvious she's hoping you'll break the ice. Unfortunately, you're horrible at that sort of thing. But, she persists, giving you more opportunities. For example, when you go on your break, to a lounge down the hall, she 'conveniently' uses that time to stroll down there, doing something routine - but as soon as she walks in (and it's just the two of you) she seems extra-friendly, and attempting to get to know you further.

Plus, when you see her in passing, she gives you this more-than-just-the-average-friendly smile (for sure).

You've been racking your brain, trying to figure out if she's just naturally this friendly with everyone, or if she thinks you're something more special. But, it seems like she does. Plus, you only live once. So, one evening, after a few successful -professional/typical- interactions, including her ordering a pizza, and then going out of her way to give you some of it, you decide to leave a note for her that evening, just to say thanks... plus you compliment her in such a way... that is arguably open to interpretation. I.e., if she's attracted to you - she'll know you feel the same. But on the other hand, if you've made a mistake, she could take the note to her boss, attorney, etc. and they would not find you guilty of saying anything remotely inappropriate, or unprofessional. Basically, you just go out on a limb a bit, and hope for another sign that your 'advances' are welcome.

But, that's where the fairy tale ends, and cold hard reality begins. As it would seem, she's got a boyfriend already (and he's nothing special, IMO), but using your highly calculating brain, you deduce that what's really going on here, is she's esssentially building a 'reserve pool' of 'backup boyfriend(s)'. Quite the social butterfly. Nothing bad about that - perhaps to be expected, for such a woman.

So, you have no expectation of 'taking the slot/position' any time soon. But if it becomes available, she'll keep your résumé on file, and will contact you if/when the time comes.

Now see, I'm not exactly used to this - and I don't particularly like it. It's a blow to your pride/ego, especially if you're someone that thinks highly of himself. But then it dawned on me, maybe "this is how it works!" -for these types of women, once you reach a certain age (post-college years). Damn, this sucks. So just how aggressive am I supposed to be anyway? Maybe she wants me to compete, and may the best man win. However, I've never played this 'game' before. Not sure it's 'me'.

Not sure I should be the 'alternate'. I'd like to think there's too many other fish in the sea, that would actually be available, and jump at the chance to enter a relationship with me, immediately. Maybe I expect too much.

So, do I "stay in the fight", and risk doing something inappropriate & opening a giant can of worms, meddling in 'other peoples' affairs', or do I be the gentleman, and back down, remaining purely professional?

But keep in mind, I never would have considered any of this, if she didn't telegraph me the 'go ahead' signs in the first place (all before I knew she was already in a relationship). Though, I'm really not interested in being 'the alternate'. In fact, the mere idea of it pisses me off. How would she like to be my 'alternate girlfriend'?! Ha, I think not. So why is it I'm supposed to be the one, with crushable and re-inflatable pride & self-esteem? I maintain there must be better waters, elsewhere... but that's a much more long-term plan.

Best I can figure, I expect things too happen for me too easily, and I don't think I should have to fight. But it's a double-edged sword... once I do get engaged and start 'battling', I can get pretty determined. But, I can honestly say I've never actually had to apply this in the 'relationships arena' before, and this whole thing seems beneath my dignity. But BLAST, it dawns on me that this may be what I should come to expect, from here on out...

Also, another problem is - my personality is rough around the edges, when it comes to getting to know new people (I am not 'light hearted'). It would be easier for me to take her away Viking Berserker style, than smoothly & cunningly steal her away out of her current relationship (I'm a MUCH better writer, than speaker...) But once you get to know me, it's fine. It's the initial phase of 'courting' that I'm not so good at. I'm perceived as unfriendly, because I'm not really into small talk with (quasi-)stangers; a critical deficiency when it comes to this type of thing.

Oh well, there it is. I'm just wondering if I'm the only man around that is 'too good' to be the 'alternate'. But, it seems like the old joke is really true - "Women are like parking spaces; all the good ones are taken, the only ones available are handicapped." -Thus, this inevitable predicament. My problem is, my testosterone is to high to play the smooth, slick, 'Knight in shining armor' game. I'm too rough around the edges. Seriously.

So, what am I going to go do? I'm going to go pump some iron. Then play some computer games. Damn it all to H3ll. Oh well, if I get any more 'signals', I'll act accordingly - maybe.

Wow. Way too much thinking here. Sounds like just a little harmless flirting to me. I dont know about all this white knight stuff, but if you want to have sex with her at some point, you could try flirting back at her and see if it leads anywhere.

"Women are like parking spaces; all the good ones are taken, the only ones available are handicapped." Thats a good one.

 

[Little Raven]

--Also, she is NOT single. So you want to put time and resources into a commodity which is already spoken for.

Wait a second: she's married? I thought she just had a boyfriend...

If she's said "I do," then she's spoken for. Until then, all's fair in love and war.

@Lotus: I haven't read the entire thread...but I did read the original post. And from what you lay out, I seriously doubt she's wanting you as an 'alternate boyfriend.' More likely, she just wants a friend.

That's not a bad thing, so long as you adjust your expectations accordingly. Assume she's not trying to get in to your pants and don't try to get in to hers, and see how it goes. If you find you don't want to be her friend without being more, then being more would never have worked in the first place. And if you do like being her friend, then bully for you, and you remain in the picture (in a good way) in case things with her current beau don't work out...but no matter how much you may hope for that, DON’T let it dictate either your relationship with her or with others, else you’re doomed from the start.

 

[JerichoHill]

I'm sorry, but I don't respect that opinion Little Raven. You have no problem actively trying to break up a couple.

"Taken" = "In an exclusive relationship"

I mean, seriously, why would you chase after something that's already spoken for. Where's the respect for other people there?

 

[Bozo Erectus]

I'm sorry, but I don't respect that opinion Little Raven. You have no problem actively trying to break up a couple.

"Taken" = "In an exclusive relationship"

I mean, seriously, why would you chase after something that's already spoken for. Where's the respect for other people there?

I hate to sound PC, but its not about a 'something', its about a 'somebody'. Might suck for her boyfriend, if she's as hot as the OP says, but she's free to get involved with another guy if she wants. She isnt 'spoken for', like a car

 

[CartesianFart]

Women are overrated.Especially the way guys overvalue of wanting to stay with one for the rest their miserable lives!

If everybody lived nextdoor by a state-controlled and clean brothel,we would never have these threads.

 

[Little Raven]

I'm sorry, but I don't respect that opinion Little Raven. You have no problem actively trying to break up a couple.

Whether or not I had a problem with it would depend on what I thought of the couple. But as a general rule I don't consider it dirty pool to go after a girl just because she has a boyfriend. Until the couple ties the knot, it's all just practice. (after that, she really IS spoken for, and it's VERY dirty pool to try anything)

I mean, if the relationship is fragile enough that one of the two parties can be distracted by a rival at that stage, then you certainly don't want it going any farther anyway. And I say this as one who has been on the losing end of this arrangement. Yes, at the time, I thought it sucked, but the benefit of hindsight has convinced me that it was a VERY good thing. I shudder to think what life would have been like if I had actually ended up with any of those girls...

 

[Little Raven]

Women are overrated.Especially the way guys overvalue of wanting to stay with one for the rest their miserable lives!

Nonsense. There is no decision you can make that will have a greater impact on your overall level of happiness than whom you choose to marry. The right woman is worth fighting for to the last.

Course, it's not always easy to find the diamond in the rough.

 

[Whomp]

I'm going to have to agree with Little Raven here. I've been on the losing and winning end of that as well. Until someone is in a commited relationship and sends off those signals it's all fair game.