A guy walks into a bar...

[John Bull]

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint. 'Sorry,' the barman says, 'we don't serve food.'

A guy walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. 'A pint of bitter please,' he says, 'and one for the road.'

A bear walks into a bar and says, 'A pint of stout please .......... and a packet of pork scratchings.' 'OK,' says the barman, 'but why the big pause?'

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!

Any more?

 

[The Person]

My compliments for adding to my daily cheer-up at Humor&Jokes.

And my usual praise:

 

[Pirate]

A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve your kind here." And the mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

 

[Wolfe Tone]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third ducks.

 

[Achinz]

This was in the "Out of the Bar" thread but should be here instead.

An Aussie prospector walks into a bar with a cat and an emu.
He buys a round of beer, then the emu buys the next round. He buys a second round and the emu the next and so on for some 4 rounds.

"What's with the cat?" the bartender asks.

"It's a long story but to cut it short. I've been prospecting for gold in the hills for 6 months and found this bottle which I rubbed and out comes this genie asking me for a wish. Well not having been with a woman for this length of time, I just said 'I'd like a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

 

[kcwong]

Originally posted by Achinz
This was in the "Out of the Bar" thread but should be here instead.

An Aussie prospector walks into a bar with a cat and an emu.
He buys a round of beer, then the emu buys the next round. He buys a second round and the emu the next and so on for some 4 rounds.

"What's with the cat?" the bartender asks.

"It's a long story but to cut it short. I've been prospecting for gold in the hills for 6 months and found this bottle which I rubbed and out comes this genie asking me for a wish. Well not having been with a woman for this length of time, I just said 'I'd like a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

Reminds me of the "12 inch pianist" joke...

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

 

[Achinz]

Which reminds me of another pianist in the bar joke:

A man in a piano bar buys a beer and put it on his table. Then a monkey comes along and squats over the glass and dips his testicles into the beer to cool off. Quite disgusted, the man goes and complains to the barman who says the monkey is not his responsibliltiy but the pianist's. So the man goes over to the pianist who's looking a bit worse for wear from indulging in the amber fluid.

"Do you know your monkey's got his testicles in my beer?" the man asked.

"No," the pianist replied, "but if you hum the first few bars I'll pick it up."

 

[brandonbowler]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "got any grapes?" the tender says "no" and the duck walks out.


the next day the duck walks back and says "got any grapes?" and once again the bar teder says no. so the duck walks out.

The next day he walks back in and says the same thing and the tender says "If you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak AND your feet to the floor.

so the next day the duck comes back and asks the tender got any nails? he says no so the duck says "got any grapes?"

 

[Achinz]

Perhaps the above story is not quite finished- here's the punch line:

And the duck never moved or said another word again as he finds his feet stuck down with tacks and his beak forked.

 

[Mrogreturns]

An old knotted piece of string walks into a bar. The barman says "get out we don't let string in here". The string looks indignant and says "So whay are you throwing me out?
"Well you're a piece of string aren't you?" he asks.

"No" replies the string, "I'm a frayed knot".

 

[John Bull]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. He's at the bar when the monkey runs over to the snooker table and swallows a snooker ball. The amn is thrown out, but comes back several months later, again with his monkey, which takes an apple out of the fruit bowl and shoves it up its arse. it then proceeds to pull it out again and eat it. The bartender is disgusted, and asks what's going on. 'Since last time,' the man says, 'he always checks if it'll fit first.'

 

[brandonbowler]

O i never heard that part sorry.

 

[MikeLynch]

John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender says, "why the long face?"

We need a rimshot emoticon. Perhaps this will suffice:

 

[Achinz]

A man walks into his regular bar beaming with happiness.

"Why the smile, Joe," asks the barman of his regular who he knows is miserably henpecked.

"My wife's gone for a holiday in the Caribbean," Joe says.

"To Jamaica?" the barman asks.

"No, it was all her own decision," came the reply.

 

[Achinz]

Have you heard of the one about the giraffe who walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me" ?

 

[Matrix]

A guy in a bar buys sixteen beer for him and his friend. "Why so many?" the friend asks. Then the guy points to a sign that says: "No alcohol under 16!"