Another story poll

[Kyriakos]

I am working on something, which i am thinking of expanding, although it already can be seen as somewhat complete as a very short story (8 pages).
It is about someone who has been confined in his bedroom, since each time he tries to leave the room, though the corridor which connects it with the living room, he becomes paralysed, and so he cannot go into the corridor.
The food supplies he had taken into the room are nearly all used up by now, and the story begins with his attempt to organise how he will use the remain food supply, and on the other hand what remains to be done about the paralysis before the corridor. The impression is that his failure to move into the corridor is down to problems with his way of thinking, but desperation is slowly kicking in. The period of more energetic attempts to move in the corridor has passed, and the story already begins in a low note.

This is a variation of an older theme i had in mind, again with paralysis and rooms in the house.

I am asking if you find this theme interesting

(ps: please do not spam/troll, since this is a dark story thread )


This is the first sentence:

"This night, or at the latest tommorow morning, according to my calculations the suplies of food i had transfered the day before yesterday in my bedroom will be used up, and therefore i will be made to cope with this issue as well, which may not be as frightening as the other one however it remains to be a real issue, and moreover one which due to its nature does not lay open to solutions which have been found for the other issue, since this one is not anything of the mind."

 

[punkbass2000]

Sounds interesting. I haven't read fiction in quite some time now, but I would read this.

 

[Kyriakos]

I couldnt imagine a more encouraging statement; thank you

 

[Urederra]

It is a nice starting point for a story. But I still think you tend to build too long sentences.

Is the main character of the story a hikikomori?

Is he going to perform a teleturgy?

 

[Kyriakos]

Interesting reading, Urederra.

About the sentences: this isnt a long sentence; obviously you havent read Kafka You are right however that attention may be lost in very long sentences, but sometimes they are needed to present a thought.

About the teleturgy: Thats another story

 

[CartesianFart]

Interesting reading, Urederra.

About the sentences: this isnt a long sentence; obviously you havent read Kafka You are right however that attention may be lost in very long sentences, but sometimes they are needed to present a thought.

About the teleturgy: Thats another story

Yeah,metamorphosis is surley a good read.Sorry Urederra,but this story will too much resemble it.

 

[Birdjaguar]

I am asking if you find this theme interesting

This is the first sentence:

"This night, or at the latest tommorow morning, according to my calculations the suplies of food i had transfered the day before yesterday in my bedroom will be used up, and therefore i will be made to cope with this issue as well, which may not be as frightening as the other one however it remains to be a real issue, and moreover one which due to its nature does not lay open to solutions which have been found for the other issue, since this one is not anything of the mind."

I read the first sentence befoe I read your explanation and thought it was interesting; the spider illustation was equally interesting and I wonder how much it influenced my liking the text. I don't mind long sentences, but your use of the passive voice is disconcerting and awkward. Overall: nice.

 

[Kyriakos]

Ty BJ The painting is "the smiling spider" by Redon Odilon. It doesnt have anything to do with my story, i just looked for a dark image to post

 

[Dreadnought]

I like it. Leaves you wanting for more... good job

 

[Mise]

I didn't read the story because I'm terrified of spiders >_<

 

[conquer_dude]

Long first sentence but it does sound interesting.

 

[Sidhe]

Sounds a bit like the tower in Kafkas book: the trial, the one with the guard on the door that you can't get past, a sort of allegorical metaphore. I'd read it

 

[Rambuchan]

I've said before that I'm one of those who isn't a fan of your long sentences. But in this passage you've hit it really well. There's one comma lacking in the passage but I liked this flow. You've got a convert on the sentence issue over here!

The other aspects of the passage are commendable. It is very readable and quite enticing. Unlike a previous piece in which you mentioned a terror in a town which we never found out about, somehow this issue (not the food issue, the other one) is more tangible and hence effective in unsettling us.

This is good work sir!

Any apes in this one?

 

[Kyriakos]

Sounds a bit like the tower in Kafkas book: the trial, the one with the guard on the door that you can't get past, a sort of allegorical metaphore. I'd read it

Although at the past i had at times only been reading Kafka- read everything there is by him, stories, novels, letters- and still do, the similarity between the corridor and the door of the Law in that parable is mostly due to the image of a frontier that inevitably creates similar situations Moreover in my story the character is of the view that, in theory, he could rush inside the corridor, however he wouldnt be able to control his moves there at all, and this could lead to violent death by his head being crushed to the walls. Iirc there is a similar guess by the person standing before the door of the Law, that he might have been able to just move past the guard, and the guard might not stop him, however there is nothing about a fear of being destroyed there.
The story revolves around the need of the character to accept only a peaceful, or at least normally paced, walk into the corridor, but this cannot happen due to the paralysis infront of it, caused by an unknown reason, which he is trying to examine by thinking while siting on top of his bedroom study, opposite the corridor

 

[Kyriakos]

I've said before that I'm one of those who isn't a fan of your long sentences. But in this passage you've hit it really well. There's one comma lacking in the passage but I liked this flow. You've got a convert on the sentence issue over here!

The other aspects of the passage are commendable. It is very readable and quite enticing. Unlike a previous piece in which you mentioned a terror in a town which we never found out about, somehow this issue (not the food issue, the other one) is more tangible and hence effective in unsettling us.

This is good work sir!

Any apes in this one?

I am honoured to partially convert a fellow-writer

No apes here; only the unknown cause of the paralysis

 

[Lambert Simnel]

It didn't work for me. The plot sounds derivative. And the first sentence ought to be interesting in terms of "what is the other problem, the one of the mind", but I end up just fixating on "how did he get the food in there in the first place ? Why would you carry food supplied into your bedroom ? Are you suggesting that somehow the narrator knew he would be paralysed and prepared for this in advance ?" Maybe that's what you intend the reader to fix on, but I doubt it.

 

[Rambuchan]

Ever the tough critic is Lambert. But worthy comments there.

 

[punkbass2000]

Interesting reading, Urederra.

About the sentences: this isnt a long sentence; obviously you havent read Kafka You are right however that attention may be lost in very long sentences, but sometimes they are needed to present a thought.

Personnally, I tend to enjoy writing that deviates from the norm. Run-on sentences, sentences which end abruptly, etc.

 

[Moss]

Completely agree with Lambert, and I also think the first sentence is WAY too long and not properly punctuated. Long sentences are great, especially once you get into the flow of a story, but it is never wise to start with one right off the bat, for most readers will be lost and bored before they ever reach the end of that sentence.

Also, the plot seems unimaginative, and purposeless I guess. Also, the question of how and why the guy is paralyzed every time tries to leave his room is up in the air. I really hope the answer isn't "just because."

 

[punkbass2000]

Long sentences are great, especially once you get into the flow of a story, but it is never wise to start with one right off the bat, for most readers will be lost and bored before they ever reach the end of that sentence.

I disagree. Also, you say it is never wise, but I think what you mean is that it is never wise if your main interest is the audience. Which isn't to say I agree with that, either.

Also, the plot seems unimaginative, and purposeless I guess.

Some of us prefer that. In all seriousness, the main reason I don't read fiction any more is that I'm a bit tired of plots.