Civ4 humor

[The 777 Hoax]

My Civ4 humor:

Tokugawa's face!! HAHAHAHAHAHA


Okay... I really need to get to bed.

 

[Jayhawk_Colin]

Atleast it's not as bad as Abe Lincholn in Civ 3

 

[Caradoc]

Napolean just showed up and demanded a Hit Musical. (How could I refuse.)

 

[redradish]

I hope it was 'Les Miserables' !

 

[ownagehamster76]

Having just gone to war with the Aztecs, I mobilized my country's massive military. Tanks charged down the feeble Aztec defenses as jet fighters intercepted dozens of bombers. Inevitably, my modern armor horde was within firing range of Tenochtitlan. I decided to witness the defeat of my foe from the field. Of course, my advisor tagged along. After he was done suggesting to build a settler, observatory, courthouse, market, and bank in that order, he decided to suggest that I review my civic options.

"Advisor, we went to this war over NOT embracing representation. Besides, it will take the edge off our military."

"Fine. By the way, we just gained access to our first luxury resource, gold."

"Advisor, what have the spies reported about the city's defenses?"

"Bad news. The city is defended by Longbowmen, and the city has a 100% defense bonus."

"I have modern armor. My military advisor said the chance of victory is 100%. I'm charging now."

"But sir, that culture defense bonus will destroy us!"

His words came too late. As my modern armor rushed the city, the longbowmen held up paintings from the Hermitage as shields. The shells bounced off of them and onto the tanks, destroying them. They then sniped the tank commanders and retreated back to the city to learn City Defender tactics.

"But, my chance of victory was 100%!"

"No, it was 99.9998%, we just wanted to save paper."

"99.9998%! Then why didn't I win!"

"Well, you know, when you fight enough battles, you lose some against better odds. Don't worry, eventually you'll win one against better odds."

"Why would I fight with .0002% chance of victory?"

"I don't know, you tell me. By the way, the Spanish Empire just declared war on us. They don't like it that you declared war on their followers in the faith."

"No worry, they have nothing but axemen."

"Actually, they just upgraded them to infantry."

"They're still an ocean away. They can't attack us with caravels"

"Well, now they're transports. It's amazing what a little gold can do. They even started up a new show about it, Pimp My Ship."

"But they don't know Mass Media."

"And your modern armor can't lose against longbowmen."

When the invasion came, I had made my preparations.

"Sir! the enemy has been sited near the capital! Sir, the enemy has been sited near..."

"I know, and my nukes are waiting."

I fired off five nukes at the enemy ships. Suddenly, a huge beam appeared and shot them down.

"Oh yeah, the Spanish just signed a Permanent Alliance with the English. They built SDI."

The ships landed their cargo and began the assault. The ships bombarded my capital, so the paintings from the Hermitage that my soldiers had been using as shields were destroyed. The infantry, despite having no amphibous training, destroyed my mech infantry and marched towards the palace. The capital was in flames, and people were chanting "War...what is it good for? Absoulutely nothing!" instead of fighting.

"How did I lose! I had them fortified here for 10 years! They had +25% defense, CIty defender, culture bonus..."

"You still don't know anything about war, do you?" the Great Merchant Harkuf said just before he was shot in the head. I then looked over to the surrounding hillside. My advisor was standing triumphantly on the peak, surrounded by catapults. They unleashed a massive bombardment that killed off the remaining Spanish units.

"Silly Mansa. Catapults get collateral damage, use enough of them and you can kill anyone!"

"But they only have 5 strength."

"Remember, fight enough battles and you will lose some against better odds and win some against worse odds. Besides, after we found that gigantic stone quarry..."

"Oh, silly me."

"By the way, Gandhi was wondering if you could sell him the lyrics to "Oops, I Did it Again" in exchange for his incense."

"Only if he gives me 3 gold per turn."

"He just accepted your proposal. Oh, by the way, our great civilization is ready to expand..."

 

[ToV]

I have gathered a collection of diplomacy quotes from the XML file. You should get a few laughs out of these.

REFUSE TO TALK: FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT
America does not negotiate with terrorists.

REFUSE TO TALK: LOUIS XIV
Forget it. I have wigs that are smarter than you are.

REFUSE TO TALK: KUBLAI KHAN
Hello, this is Kublai Khan. Mongolia is not at home right now: please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you when pigs have wings.

REFUSE TO TALK: PETER
Guards! Toss this villain out into the snow before I commit a diplomatic incident!

REFUSE TO TALK: CATHERINE
I find you strangely unattractive, [CT_NAME]. Do not return until you are better-looking.

NO PEACE: MONTEZUMA
No. We have not yet sacrificed enough [CT_CIV_ADJ] warriors to slake the gods' unending thirst for blood. Try back later.

NO PEACE: MAO ZEDONG
There can never be peace in the unending war between the people and the bloodsucking bourgoise capitalist opressors who seek to enslave them! That would be you, punk.

NO PEACE: GANDHI
I may be a pacifist, [CT_NAME], but I'm not an idiot. India declines your request.

NO PEACE: GENGHIS KHAN
Now? While everybody's having so much fun? I don't think so!

NO PEACE: CATHERINE
I must refuse, [CT_NAME]; peace is not in our best interests at this time. Besides, I think that men in uniform look totally yummy, don't you?

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FRIENDLY: MAO ZEDONG
On behalf of the great and glorious Communist Party of China and of all of her horrible little peasants - I mean, "glorious workers" - greetings!

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FRIENDLY: CATHERINE
Welcome, [CT_NAME]. Is that a treaty in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: SALADIN
What a surprise! I did not realize it was locust season once again.

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: MAO ZEDONG
It is people like you, [CT_NAME], who give ruthless dictators a bad name. Why are you here?

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: TOKUGAWA
Greetings, [CT_NAME]! Japan is honored by your visit. You can be sure that we will be coming to your country very soon now.

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: GENGHIS KHAN
And they call US barbarians?

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: CYRUS
I wonder, [CT_NAME]: how many hanging chads did it take to get YOU into office?

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: CATHERINE
Remarkable: a politician who even I won't sleep with.

GREETINGS ATTITUDE FURIOUS: ISABELLA
I'm glad you're here, [CT_NAME]. My Grand Inquisitor would like to have a word with you.

DEMAND TRIBUTE POWER EQUAL: BISMARCK
"Blackmail" is such an ugly word, [CT_NAME]. I prefer to call it, "extortion."

DEMAND TRIBUTE POWER STRONGER: MAO ZEDONG
For too long have the glorious [CT_CIV_ADJ] workers put up with your contemptible bourgoise insolence! It's time for an immediate redistribution of wealth!

 

[Lord_Iggy]

Nice stuff.

 

[ToV]

Ownagehamster76, you did a good job! You showed all the little things that don't make sense in the game.

 

[ownagehamster76]

Thanks for the compliment. It's annoying things like these that make me feel no shame when I use the Assassins mod. I know, I know. By adding random chances the game developers merely wanted to make the game more fun so that there can be David vs. Goliath victories. What they forgot was that the entire ordeal wasn't so pleasant for Goliath, who actually had to spend years fighting to get all the way to his Combat 5 promotion, only to be destroyed by a lowly Warrior. I don't care if David had a Woodsman 2 promotion, a one-in-a-million killer head shot with a pebble really just makes you wonder what the point was in firing the other 999,999 shots. I guess God must have one sweet Worldbuilder program, and when he wants someone to win, he doesn't bother messing with some XML files.

 

[The Sleepy Vike]

I was playing with my buddies when we decided to declare on Frederick. When I clicked the "Your head would look on a pole." my brother ran to go get one for me.

 

[Red Door]

ToV, I love those. My favorite is

And they call US barbarians?

 

[GeneralGrievous]

HaHa! I could not imagine a army of what you call a "Horse" or a "Catapult" I have never heard of those things before!

 

[Xtream_Rockstar]

OMG this is funny stuf

 

[wiseguy101]

ToV, I haven't heard any of those yet, but I promise to look out for them when I start a new game.

 

[Pickaboo]

Hehe Really funny stuff.. though I wonder if I would change those statements to somewhat more insulting.

 

[sirtommygunn]

and when the modern armor attacks the city the power of their attacks shall bounce right off the mona lisa that a longbowman had been holding

 

[Tulx]

best i have ever read

 

[Stylesjl]

How about these funny lines

AI_DIPLO_NO_PEACE_LEADER_BISMARCK_1

Your request is denied. Welcome to total war

AI_DIPLO_DEMAND_TRIBUTE_POWER_STRONGER_GENGHIS_KHAN_1

When you find a hungry tiger at your door, commen sense says that you feed him.

AI_DIPLO_DEMAND_TRIBUTE_POWER_STRONGER_SALADIN_1

It is only proper that the vassal states provide tribute to their lord and protector. That would be me.

AI_DIPLO_DEMAND_TRIBUTE_POWER_STRONGER_WASHINGTON_1

Don't think of this as a demand for tribute, [CT_NAME]. Think of it as an investment in world peace.

 

[unscratchedfoot]

Thanks for the compliment. It's annoying things like these that make me feel no shame when I use the Assassins mod. I know, I know. By adding random chances the game developers merely wanted to make the game more fun so that there can be David vs. Goliath victories. What they forgot was that the entire ordeal wasn't so pleasant for Goliath, who actually had to spend years fighting to get all the way to his Combat 5 promotion, only to be destroyed by a lowly Warrior. I don't care if David had a Woodsman 2 promotion, a one-in-a-million killer head shot with a pebble really just makes you wonder what the point was in firing the other 999,999 shots. I guess God must have one sweet Worldbuilder program, and when he wants someone to win, he doesn't bother messing with some XML files.

Goliath was a big target so David got a bonus to attack with a ranged weapon. You also have to appreciate that slingshot projectiles fly at speeds so fast they completely negate any agility bonus of a target, despite how many promotions, unless the target is already jerking and jinking in a spasmodic way at the time of launching which Goliath was far too proud to do. And that was the only time in the 2000 year history the bible covers as well as in known history that anyone scored a fatal hit on a top commander using a slingshot despite slingshots being used by skirmishers in many major battles all the way until the end of the Roman Empire and further. Putting all those factors into the equation, plus adding in any godly favor accorded to David as perceived by anyone observer's particular religious alignment, gives David a very fair chance of doing what he did.

Similarly, England's royal heritage was decided by a single arrowshot from an average joe with a bow hitting a commander who had been promoted all the way to king.

Take it.

 

[Öjevind Lång]

Having just gone to war with the Aztecs, I mobilized my country's massive military. Tanks charged down the feeble Aztec defenses as jet fighters intercepted dozens of bombers. Inevitably, my modern armor horde was within firing range of Tenochtitlan. I decided to witness the defeat of my foe from the field. Of course, my advisor tagged along. After he was done suggesting to build a settler, observatory, courthouse, market, and bank in that order, he decided to suggest that I review my civic options.

"Advisor, we went to this war over NOT embracing representation. Besides, it will take the edge off our military."

"Fine. By the way, we just gained access to our first luxury resource, gold."

"Advisor, what have the spies reported about the city's defenses?"

"Bad news. The city is defended by Longbowmen, and the city has a 100% defense bonus."

"I have modern armor. My military advisor said the chance of victory is 100%. I'm charging now."

"But sir, that culture defense bonus will destroy us!"

His words came too late. As my modern armor rushed the city, the longbowmen held up paintings from the Hermitage as shields. The shells bounced off of them and onto the tanks, destroying them. They then sniped the tank commanders and retreated back to the city to learn City Defender tactics.

"But, my chance of victory was 100%!"

"No, it was 99.9998%, we just wanted to save paper."

"99.9998%! Then why didn't I win!"

"Well, you know, when you fight enough battles, you lose some against better odds. Don't worry, eventually you'll win one against better odds."

"Why would I fight with .0002% chance of victory?"

"I don't know, you tell me. By the way, the Spanish Empire just declared war on us. They don't like it that you declared war on their followers in the faith."

"No worry, they have nothing but axemen."

"Actually, they just upgraded them to infantry."

"They're still an ocean away. They can't attack us with caravels"

"Well, now they're transports. It's amazing what a little gold can do. They even started up a new show about it, Pimp My Ship."

"But they don't know Mass Media."

"And your modern armor can't lose against longbowmen."

When the invasion came, I had made my preparations.

"Sir! the enemy has been sited near the capital! Sir, the enemy has been sited near..."

"I know, and my nukes are waiting."

I fired off five nukes at the enemy ships. Suddenly, a huge beam appeared and shot them down.

"Oh yeah, the Spanish just signed a Permanent Alliance with the English. They built SDI."

The ships landed their cargo and began the assault. The ships bombarded my capital, so the paintings from the Hermitage that my soldiers had been using as shields were destroyed. The infantry, despite having no amphibous training, destroyed my mech infantry and marched towards the palace. The capital was in flames, and people were chanting "War...what is it good for? Absoulutely nothing!" instead of fighting.

"How did I lose! I had them fortified here for 10 years! They had +25% defense, CIty defender, culture bonus..."

"You still don't know anything about war, do you?" the Great Merchant Harkuf said just before he was shot in the head. I then looked over to the surrounding hillside. My advisor was standing triumphantly on the peak, surrounded by catapults. They unleashed a massive bombardment that killed off the remaining Spanish units.

"Silly Mansa. Catapults get collateral damage, use enough of them and you can kill anyone!"

"But they only have 5 strength."

"Remember, fight enough battles and you will lose some against better odds and win some against worse odds. Besides, after we found that gigantic stone quarry..."

"Oh, silly me."

"By the way, Gandhi was wondering if you could sell him the lyrics to "Oops, I Did it Again" in exchange for his incense."

"Only if he gives me 3 gold per turn."

"He just accepted your proposal. Oh, by the way, our great civilization is ready to expand..."

I can't bear to snip any of this brilliance. It's the funniest thing I've read in these forums. Kudos!

Öjevind