I was going to hold off till I thought of a nice long list of good ones... but it turns out I am no longer very talented at making up REAL bad jokes that aren't topical, and are work safe.
This thread is for making any jokes you possibly can that are in the FfH universe. I prefer Question/Answer jokes myself for the third-grade nostalgia and simplicity, but anything goes!
Under Kuriotates leadership it is you vote that counts.
Under Calabim leadership it is your count that votes.
What do Barbatos and the Sidar Palace have in Common?
Spoiler:
--They both have a Saff of Souls
Why do Dwarves drink such thick Mead?
Spoiler:
--So the taste stays in their beard longer.
How much do Lanun pay for their Earrings?
Spoiler:
--A buccaneer
How do you catch the Unique Beast Margalard?
Spoiler:
--Unique up on it.
How do you catch a Tamed Margalard?
Spoiler:
--Tame way, unique up on it.
What goes ha, ha, ha, squish?
Spoiler:
--A Drown laughing
Why did the Svartalfar cross the road twice?
Spoiler:
--It was a double-crosser
The last few are re-writes of jokes from our own world. When I realized I wasn't thinking of new material and just trolling for jokes I can re-write I realized my creative well was all dried up, so I stopped.
Ok, so all I really did was adapt a joke to FFH, but still.........
Spoiler:
Once upon a time, Faeryl Viconia was sitting near a secret consort, who was splayed out on his deathbed. With some of his last strength, he props himself up on his elbows, and, with difficulty, forms breath into words.
"I have something to confess to you, my queen."
All smiles and sugar, she responds, "there there, it can wait until you recover. Save your strength."
He slumps back onto the pillows, and a few minutes later he speaks again. "I won't live out this night. I have to confess, a month ago, I betrayed you, on this very bed."
She smiles a bit, and responds softly. "Silly, I knew all about that. You can't hide things from a favored of Esus. Why ever else would I have poisoned you?"
This next one is *long* so I'm not going to wrap it in spoilers.
Once upon a time, there was a small Lanun boy named Jimmy. For the Lanun, Jimmy was a strange sort, not at all that interested in the salt and sails. Instead, he would tell anyone who would listen about his ambition to become a performer, especially a clown, in a travelling Balseraph show. No amount of dissuading, from it being untraditional, or even dangerous, from his parents or friends could quench his interest, and he spent days and days reading on clowning techniques and the Balseraphs in general.
One day, when Jimmy was about fourteen, Jimmy got a break that he was looking for. A Balseraph carnival was travelling to Innsmouth, and this time, the town leaders were allowing them to stay, albiet outside of the city walls. Gathering together his meager funds, Jimmy managed to scrape together enough copper to attend for a day. He felt that if he could see a real clown in action, he could manage to take that final step and join himself. Ticket in hand, he watches the show. He sits through performances of gorillas and tigers, impatient. He sighs through the bawdy poetry of one of the courtesans. Finally, a young clown steps up into the ring, and begins telling jokes, throwing sheep bladders, and insulting people in the audience. Spying young Jimmy, the clown addresses him over the rest of the din.
"Young man, are you the front end of an ass?"
"Err, no sir."
"Are you the rear end of an ass?"
"Not at all!"
"Then you must be no end of an ass!"
And as the clown went on to his next target, everyoen laughed at poor Jimmy, who retreated from the carnival in tears, his dreams shattered. He signs up as a deckhand at sea, and begins a long and rather obscure career as another able body aboard deck.
Twenty years go by, and on shore leave in an obscure town, Jimmy hears about not just any Balseraph carnival coming to visit, but the very same show that had humiliated him so, was going to be visiting in two days. Finding out with the captain that they need to stay a week to do business on land, he gathers up some of his pay to buy a ticket, and spends his time in his cabin, trying to think up of a retort to humiliate the brash clown.
The day of the show comes, and Jimmy is ready. He has a list of retorts in mind, a life's worth of experiences, and he sits down and watches the Balseraph show. He actually manages to enjoy the wolves playing with the elephants, and the acrobatics of the dextrous psychotics. And then, the moment of truth arrives. The clown, now in middle age, comes out, and his eyes lock with Jimmy's in recognition for a bare instant. Smiling maliciously, the clown tells a few jokes to warm up, and then stumps up to the audience ring, shouting to Jimmy.
"You, over there. Are you the front end of an ass?"
"Not at all, paintface."
"Are you the back end of an ass?"
"Nope, rubbernose."
"Than you must be no end of an ass!"
And in the howls of laughter of the crowd, poor Jimmy forgets his clever retort, and retreats from the show in tears.
He goes back to his ship, but his spirit is broken, and he can only go about his duties mechanically. Never a brilliant worker to begin with, Jimmy is let go from the ship when his advancing age proves him to be too much of a hindrance. He is given a small pension, and spends most of his greybearded days in a cheap tavern back at his home in Innsmouth, drinking away his sorrows.
One day at the tavern, Guybrush Threepwood steps in, and is talking with a few of his pirate friends, talking about this Balseraph Carnival that is going to visit Innsmouth, the first one to do so in forty years. In half a stuper, Jimmy gets up ang goes on a harraunge about the evils of the Balseraphs and the horrors their shows inflict. Touched, Guybrush goes to console the old salt, and eventually coaxes out of him Jimmy's past experiences with the carnivals.
"Here here elder. Listen, when I was on Monkey Island, I learned the secrets of all sorts of insults. I know taunts to which there are no defense or responses. Why don't we go to the carnival together, and I'll avenge your humiliation." Jimmy, now a broken man with nothing left to lose, agrees.
The day comes, and they go to the carnival. Guybrush is calm, relaxed, while the much older Jimmy is barely able to hold his seat. He trembles through the fight between a lion and a bear. He is barely able to hold himself together when a young mageling summons a small azer. Finally, as the last act, an old, now limping clown comes out, with a young apprentice by his side. Before he begins his act, he talks about the loving years he spent performing, and how much amusement it has brought him. And then, wonder of wonders, he spies his perfect target, sitting like a fat partrige in the audience. He tells some routine cracks, building his own personal suspense, before moving to the aged Jimmy.
"Hey, old timer? Are you the front end of an ass?"
Jimmy mumbled some incomprehendible denial.
"I guess that means no. Are you the rear end of an ass?"
"No."
"Then you must be no end of an ass! Hahahahahahaha"
Just then, Guybrush leaps out onto the ring, and bellows at the clown. "Is that the best you got? Well, F*** you clown!" He then bows, and strides out to the applause of the audience.
Alexis and her new lover are standing at the edge of dark forest late at night. The young man looks into the woods and says "Im scared to go in there." Alexis responds, "Your scared? I have to come out alone."
Balseraph:
Question: How many dwarves does it take to build a wall?
Answer: Tomato.
I think it's called an "Un-Joke," or something along those lines, where the real joke is that you've been sitting through the long story only to get a punchline that's either irrelevant to the rest of the setup or far too cheesy to actually be funny.
Those are always hilarious. Ha, ha, you just sat through ten paragraphs expecting an actual joke!
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Kael, those rocked!
