The Larryphomorphic Principle:
One Larry Atkinson, the owner of the barber shop in my neighborhood, is a rather special man. Just looking at the odds of him being here is prove of that. See, Larry was a single, particular sperm among no less than 30 millions sperms that his father the late Mr. Atkinson shot at Miss Atkinson in the night of their romantic honey moon. Now, Mr. Atkinson, a well known alcoholic, had his doubts about getting married, drunk a lot, and entered on a bus to run away from his commitment, having by pure chance met an old friend in the same vehicle, that convinced him to give up that foolish act.
He got married, all right; but when drunk, Mr. Atkinsons usually were unable to, well, perform. It was by chance, again, that Miss Atkinsons sister a doctor specialized in fertilization had gotten a Viagra sample inside her purse, and having noticed by Mr. Atkinsons behavior (she was aware of his fame), and fearing for the happiness of her loving sister, she managed to, very quietly, administer him the medicine.
Anyway, the medicine worked, and Mr. Atkinson had a very remarkable performance but oh dear. So passionate were his moves, that eventually the condom he was wearing during the actual intercourse busted, being my good friend Larry the special very existence, living proof of the poor quality of that specific brand.
You have to agree with me that one have to be special to beat such odds; I mean, it was one against 30 millions to begin with; not to mention that, should Mr. Atkinson have bought the condom that were two inches to the left of the one he got, we cant tell for sure if it would also have busted, and perhaps Larry, still a sperm, would have ended up in the trash can, the sorry fate of all sperms that flew in the 50 intercourses the couple have had in the last 2 and a half months. Now, should ANY of the 50 condoms used in any of these also had busted during her fertile period she would have been a pregnant bride, hence her honey moon would not have been fertile, and my friend, Larry the Special, would not have come to be.
Not to mention that the wedding almost didnt happen I mean, what if Mr. Atkinson hadnt found his good friend in the bus? He would have walked, and I quite doubt that the couple would have had proceeded with the plans that night should something like this happened. But Larry is too Special, and apparently, fate has conspired to his birth altogether. Because, really, on top of that, a wedding maid that happened to have a Viagra pill to spare? The only explanation for this astounding set of coincidences is that Larry, being the special man that he is, is favored by a higher power. I mean, look at the odds, its like one in a billion that the senior Atkinsons have had met and married, and have beaten all this odds, and have engaged intercourse in the exact precise day and the exact precise instant that the exact precise sperm met the exact precise egg so that my good friend Larry managed to get born. Odds here dance in the house of one to one billion. Now, have I mentioned that, for all that, I consider undeniable that my friend that owns the barber shop is rather special?
Oh, but so far its very superficial, I mean, when we look down at that, things go much, much further.
I mean, lets spare the long run of tales and histories of the proud Atkinson family, that would bring chances twice as smaller for each of his fore relatives, which would also have to go through a marathon of being born and meeting their better halves in the exact precise time to bring to the world the exact new Atkinson that would pivot a new generation of the family through the centuries of centuries, again and again, and culminating with the birth of my very Special friend Larry, the owner of the barber shop and lets look at the numbers:
- 1/30.000.000 is the chance of the exact sperm that turned into good Larry meeting the egg due to a particular intercourse;
- Considering the average of 50 intercourses per birth (what is a rather conceding number from my part), we get that odds of Larry being born in the sexual behavior of that family to be 1/30.000.000 X 50, that means 1/1.500.000.000
- Well, if we extrapolate the same pattern to the last 1000 generations of the Atkinson family, we than get that odds of Larry (the special) being born after millennia of family relations is about 1/1.500.000.000.000. This means, one in a trillion and half. Bad odds, huh? But its just more prove that there is something very SPECIAL about Larry.
Things get even trickier when we remember that only each specific couple would create the necessary people to create the necessary sperms and eggs that would meet generation after generation until we reach the birth of good Larry so, considering that we have an average of 50% of each sex in each generation of humanity, we have to multiply the odds, at each generation, by half the population of the world, as each of the partners could have chosen someone else to have children with. This here puts the chances of Larry being born in the house of one to trillions of trillions, likely far worse than that.
Still, Larry is in the barber shop every day, proving that something was in for his help
after all, there is no way he could have beaten those odds if he were not Special.
And all this, after something has designed the entire universe, so the stars were in the correct place, so Earth could exist and be what it is, so there could have come been life, and life could generate the human species and this, spawn the lovely Atkinson family, which purpose culminated in the birth of Larry, being Larry, than, of such astounding specialty in beating all the odds of entire existence, irrevocable proof that everything exists with a magnificent purpose that is, bringing up the conditions necessary to give birth to that adorable barber shop owner, Larry Atkinson, a very special man, as I proved above.
And that, my friends, is The Larryphomorphic Principle in a nutshell.
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