Governments - the Bovine Explanation

[Clito]

World Ideologies in Relation to Cows

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism
You used to have two cows. Your cows are cared for by ex-chickenfarmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Mafia
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, so you shoot them.

Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

[Gelion]

Awesome! More!

 

[Paradigne]

That was GREAT

 

[Erik Mesoy]

Rotflmfao!

 

[nonconformist]

Seen all iof them, usually in the humour forum. You can find more on Wikipedia.

 

[~Corsair#01~]

There's a seperate forum for this. Here's a slightly different version I seen a while ago:

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

 

[Tassadar]

The one i remember about capitalism, from my old memory.


You have 2 cow.

You sell share at wall street.

A few month later you have theoricaly 5 cow, and the shareholder ask for the milk of 10 cow.

 

[Gelion]

Shouldn't this be moved to Humour Forum?

 

[IglooDame]

Shouldn't this be moved to Humour Forum?

I would think that it is political enough to stay here. Not all hilarity needs to get moved to Humor.

 

[Fetus4188]

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

So true!

 

[stratego]

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

KANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. One of them is kinda cute.

 

[Mathilda]

You want more?
Here's some more, or at least different versions.

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows.
The state takes one and gives it to someone else.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the army.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, kills one and spills the milk in the sewerage system.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY:
You have 2 cows.
The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed animals in an apartment.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president.
The cow sues you for breach of contract.
Your legal bills exceed your annual income.
You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.

MEXICAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

RUSSIAN DEMOCRACY:
You are still queuing for the first cow.

IRAQI DEMOCRACY:
You cannot inspect the 2 cows.

MALAYSIAN DEMOCRACY:
The cows are now controlled from grazing and you are jailed
for being unfit to rear cows.

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY:
You have 2 cows.
You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask awkward
questions about who you are giving the milk to.

CAPITALISM:
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

HONGKONG CAPITALISM:
You have 2 cows.
You sell 3 of them to your publicly-listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping 5 cows.
The milk rights are transferred via a Panamanian
intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned
by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows'
milk back to the listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with
an option to purchase one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the 2 bloody cows because the 'Feng Shui' is bad.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. You are
torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment
center. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.

COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man.
Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer
shur, it's awesome, man.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

[Boleslav]

These are all pretty funny, but I've found an actual historical attempt to understand government by using bovines.

I found it in the book 'Russia after Lenin' by Vladimir Brovkin. The bolsheviks were trying to convert the peasants to communism and one of the ways they tried to do this was by having communist guest speakers give lectures in village meetings. Afterwards, the peasants were allowed to ask questions. Of course, the questions they asked were all written down and compiled in a secret list for Stalin - that's how we know about them. Anyway, here's the gem, asked by a peasant to a soviet official:

"When we arrive in socialism, will there be one cow, two cows, several cows, or no cows at all?"

History doesn't tell us what the answer was, unfortunately.

 

[YNCS]

CALIFORNIA:
You have several million cows, many of whom are there illegally.
Arnold likes the cows with the big udders.

 

[Tomoyo]

French Democracy:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.